Thread for those who have a parent with cancer?

[Fhortu]

I'm just wondering if there is a general one that I've missed, or, if not, if there's any interest in making one?
(I know there's Still the storm for people who have partners with terminal cancer.)

My mum was recently diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer, and I'm sure there are other people here struggling with a parent's diagnosis.

Mum's reached her 6 weeks post op this week. Her medics say she is probably as well as she ever will be now. She can walk a km but gets out of breath easily, is tired a lot, and finds standing difficult. She's not yet on any pain relief but may be able to stand for longer of she were. Her stoma has settled and she sleeps quite well at night.

She will now have a small op to see if any palliative chemo can be offered and the likely advantages and disadvantages, but depending on what they say, she may not go for it and just move onto palliative care.

I don't think she wants to lose any good days to chemo unless she finds out that there is very good reason. Especially now the days are getting longer and brighter.

@Kezzie200 I completely understand not wanting to lose days, to want to just enjoy time and try and not make it all about the illness for a day. How are you feeling about that?

I want her to be comfortable with her choices and not make them for me but for herself.

I completely see her choice of biopsy because it's described as a straightforward outpatient procedure. It will allow her to see an oncologist (so far she hasn't) and be better informed, so make a decision based more on fact than on gut feeling. This whole process including results isn't quick, and so the time lapse of a month might also inform her decision.

How is everyone holding up? I'm with my DF daily now, and hold you all in my thoughts regularly.

Just woken up and , once again, realise the nightmare is real.

Also heard yesterday that a local lad who went to school with my son (in his 20s) has died in an accident.

I feel so sad.

Yesterday I arranged for a week very soon for my children and us to stay locally to Mum and Dad for about a week. So we can come and go and spend time with her.

Hi @Lotsofpots, it's tough here. Mum has really suffered with the chemo, she's had to be hospitalised a couple of times. Just hoping she stays strong enough to see it through to the end of the schedule. I now have Covid so can't go near her or give her the support she needs. It's so hard.

Oh @Lotsofpots I've just realised I recognize your username from the other thread sorry ❤️ how are the days with him? Have you got other family there too?

@kezzie200 I'm so sorry. The mornings I actually find the hardest when it hits you like a punch in the stomach and you have no choice but to get up and put one foot in front of the other to get by. That's a great idea to spend some time together for the week. How old are your DC?

Oh @dwightshrutesgirlfriend that's just awful I'm sorry. COVID has taken away too much time apart from everyone already it's so hard to deal with having it and not being able to give the support. I hope you feel physically ok and I'm sure she will be looking forward to seeing you soon

My daughters 25 and son is 23. We all live some distance away in opposing directions. Daughters the furthest and has a 7 hour train journey. Sons three hours away. We are two and a half.

My parents looked after them a lot during school holidays and they are close. My daughter has found it particularly hard and so have I, having to tell her over the phone rather than in person.

@dwightshrutesgirlfriend

Hope you recover very soon.

Hello, I'm so sorry read your struggles, I have lurked on this thread now and again. My DM has stage 3 melanoma and I find that nobody really wants to talk about it and she herself has not always been honest about it with me too. I don't blame her or anyone else for this of course but I just feel that I have this huge scary dark hole in my life and all I do is squash it down and it just pops up and makes me feel sick and anxious. Anyway from what I've seen most/all of you have parents with stage 4/terminal diagnoses so I don't want to derail the thread given that this isn't the case for my DM (or not now...not yet?!). That being said can anyone recommend somewhere that might be a good place for me to speak to someone or get some support? I am open with friends about it but understandably people dont know what to say to me. And I kind of feel scared to even verbalise my worries in case that will make them come true...if that makes any sense. Thanks to anyone reading. For some context I am only in my twenties and have two very young children and my DM is only in her 50s as well.

I thought I recognised you too @Wallawallakoala - and thank you so much for your lovely message. How are you coping with your little ones during this?

@Kezzie200 I find the sadness of my DC really tough. V different ages, but DS7 is particularly close to my dad as we lived with them for a year when he was littler, and my parents are hugely involved in his and DC3s lives.
I also find that all other sad things just hit me much harder, so the accident you heard about must have been awful for you.

@DwightShrutesgirlfriend how much longer of the chemo schedule does your mum have to go?

We're at the very end with my lovely dad. He is having an awful death - not straightforward or comfortable, and he's scared and bewildered and desperate to die now. Which for a man whose thirst for life and curiosity are/were defining features, is particularly telling of just how agonising and undignified his experience is. Hopefully a drug regime chance will bring more peace from tomorrow. I desperately hope your wonderful parents don't have this experience (we are told this is uncommon).

Please do use us and this thread @SecondhandTable - no hierarchy of misery here, it's collectively shit and many will have been through what you're experiencing.
The sick and anxious feeling is one I know all to well. It does become easier, more familiar in time. When was your mum diagnosed?

It's so unfair to be dealing with this with young kids too.

Hi I was wondering if I could join this thread , my father was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer in 2017 at the time it had already spread to his liver , at the point of his diagnosis the doctors weren't really very optimistic as to chemo really helping or if he'd tolerate it but he surprised everyone and ended up having chemo ,radiation , bowel and liver resections and numerous other procedures. The cancer was never gone but it was held at bay . In Dec 2019 we were told that the cancer had spread to his lymph nodes and there was nothing left to do and he had 3 to 12 months . After that Christmas the doctors said if he was willing they'd try a weaker course of chemo to see if that would hold back the tumours the cancer has since spread to his lungs so it's been swings and roundabouts since but about a month ago he started getting confused and having episodes where he doesn't know the day or time or what's going on , he'd come around hours later and have no recall of anything happening. Two weeks ago he got covid and although he didn't have any covid symptoms he's deteriorated rapidly .The confusion has been terrible not being able to find words and getting frustrated , the oncology triage said to bring him straight to a&e and we are now on a Pallative care suite he's had brain scans and we are waiting on the results . No one is able to tell us what is going on , he's sleeping most of the time . The hospital we are in doesn't have an oncology team as we live rurally and hospital he has treatment in is in the city . The hospital as said to have someone with him at all times so I'm assuming it's not good . I don't even know why I'm posting and I apologise for the epic novel I've posted

Hi @secondhandtable please join us. Its all absolutely heartbreaking.

So, so, sorry to hear these updates. It's such a cruel disease.

My Mum had a lovely day today as a school friend was staying locally so she met with him.and his wife and two other school friends. She's 77, so that's some friendship history. They sat in the sun and talked. I am so grateful that she still has days like this.

We are popping up on Sunday for Mother's Day. Then again next week on Wednesday for the start of our weeks family holiday. Lots of running around but I know if we don't do it now, she won't be well enough for us to. Plus my inlaws live close by so we will see them too. This has brought it home to us how precious time really is.

Also @secondhandtable the McMillan Online Community are great and have specific areas for specific cancers and access to expert advice as well.

mammymammymammy
Of course you can join the thread. It's good to have somewhere to vent where other people understand. It sounds like your dad has defied expectations at every turn. I'm sorry about what you're all going through now. I hope you can get some answers soon from the scans.

SecondhandTable
Yes, please do feel free to post here. As Lotsofpots says, there's no hierarchy. And you're so young to be dealing with this. I know what you mean about not being able to talk about it with people. A few people have brought it up with me, and then tried to play down the seriousness of it. I'm stuck between wanting to say, "it's stage 4. There's not going to be a happy ending here" and just agreeing that it might all be fine so as not to upset them. I think people don't understand until it's happened to them - I know I didn't.

Lotsofpots and Dwightshrutesgirlfriend, I'm sorry it's so shit at the moment.

My dad has renal carcinoma. The doctors have said he's too old and his heart is too weak for him to have surgery so they are doing nothing. Dad is in complete denial. Doesn't believe he has cancer and says god is looking after him. He's refusing all scans and will not talk about it. Selfishly I wish he would let them track the progression so we have an idea of how much time we have.

I found this thread and just blurted everything out. I'm sorry for what everyone else is going through.

Thank you @Fhortu.

@Lotsofpots she has one more session to go then a break, thank goodness, her poor body needs one.

Just been having a FaceTime with her as I’m still holed up with covid. Thank goodness for technology.

Hello to new posters and sorry you need to be here.

My darling dad died this morning. After a dreadful week they got his meds right (one nurse commented in 30 years she'd never seen such high levels of sedation!) and we had a peaceful night together and he died at home.

He was an incredible man. He made the world a better place for so many people, particularly those who were vulnerable. So vital, and generous, and curious. He has so much more to give. This disease is a bastard.

Thinking of you pots.

Those people he helped will have had better lives because of him. What a wonderful legacy.

No words @Lotsofpots, but I'm glad that his last night was peaceful and you spent it with him.

@Lotsofpots I'm so sorry thinking of you x

I'm so sorry

So sorry, Lotsofpots