Thread for those who have a parent with cancer?

[Fhortu]

I'm just wondering if there is a general one that I've missed, or, if not, if there's any interest in making one?
(I know there's Still the storm for people who have partners with terminal cancer.)

My mum was recently diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer, and I'm sure there are other people here struggling with a parent's diagnosis.

@parchedjanuary I’m so sorry. It sounds like you were a great comfort to your dad in his last moments, and I’m certain he will have been reassured by you being there. You and your family are in my thoughts.

@parchedjanuary I'm so sorry for your loss. what a wonderful gift you gave your dad of knowing he was loved and cared for right until the end. Sending you lots of love as you navigate through the next few weeks.

I posted mid January about my mom's endometrial cancer and subsequent Recurrence and mets.
I'm so sorry @parchedjanuary and everyone else who's parents have passed or are really unwell.
I've just come back from my home country after my mom's passing. I got there on 20th January and she was lucid but very anxious and in a lot of pain. Clinicians reckoned that she had multiple bowel blockages plus liver and lung mets so she went for 6 weeks without eating. She was so swollen with oedema that you would never know how much weight she'd lost. I was able to spend 2 weeks with her before she died but the last week she wasn't coherent or lucid and had what they call terminal dementia. It was heartbreaking. She kept crying out for her mom and dad or waking up and yelling for help. She was finally moved to hospice where they were able to keep her sedated and pain free. I just can't believe how fast it went. I still haven't caught up.
They found the recurrence in September, started chemo in October and operated successfully in November. It moved so fast that she was too unwell to have more than two chemo cycles. By January they said it was incurable and on 3rd February she died.
I'm reeling with it all and keep breaking down in tears. I usually Skyped with her while I cooked dinner. Yesterday was my first day back home cooking again and I lost it. My son found me sobbing in the kitchen. I don't think I've ever been so tired in my life. I could sleep for 100 years but I've still got raging insomnia. Part of me is relieved that she isn't suffering anymore but I'm also angry that they couldn't cure her. And I'm so sad that I've lost my best friend.
Sending love and understanding to all of you out there.

I'm sorry to see so many of you in the same position as us my Dad had his first chemo nearly 2 weeks ago and hasn't responded well to it at all, physically or emotionally.

When I visited yesterday we noticed he seemed not altogether there. He finally admitted he couldn't go to the toilet and we took him to hospital. He's got sepsis. So I'm just sitting around waiting to see what's next. He's on palliative chemo only and very weak so it's hard not to feel negative about what's to come... He's 70 but seems to have turned into an old man so quickly

I have no words to make things better @FoofOfTheWalkingDead, but wanted to acknowledge your Mum's death.

@DwightShrutesgirlfriend

I have no words to make things better *@FoofOfTheWalkingDead*, but wanted to acknowledge your Mum's death.

Thank you.

I am so so sorry @FoofOfTheWalkingDead

I'm so sorry that is awful news.

It's so cruel.

Mum had an appointment confirming the cancer has spread to lymph nodes and I had my 3 month ds in a sling on me I nearly fainted. Another massive op and hospital stay and unpredictable outcome and treatment plan, that's the last surgery they can do. I hate that I'm making this about me but I dont know how to be ok for her and cope for my 2 DC. I'm terrified now and for the future. Selfishly I still need my mum and can't get over the fact I could be an orphan at 33 I naively think how unfair that is.

I hate that we are all going through this

@Wallawallakoala that is huge news to take in. And so hard to be facing losing your mother at a time when you have just become a mother yourself. Being able to express how you feel here and to friends might help you find the ways to support your mum too. You can focus on you and her in different ways - you probably need to in order to get through

Thank you @Fluffythefish I think today I realised that this probably is actually one of my greatest fears coming true.

Isn't it horrible how anything you should be enjoying is just ruined by this devastating force. I just want to be there for mum as much as possible but I guess I need time for myself to give her the best possible version of me at this time.

When my children do something lovely I just think how she will miss out on this and how they won't remember her. It's too much.

@Wallawallakoala I’m so sorry, that’s massive and terrifying news to have to take in. I’m in a similar positive, have a three year old, am eight months pregnant with our second and just found out my mum has incurable cancer. Like you, I feel absolutely too young to deal with it - I think that my mum dying seemed so inconceivable that I’d never even considered it, she’s super healthy so I just assumed she had years left. Now that seems very unlikely.

I too am blindsided by the kids growing up without their granny and her not seeing them grow up. A friend was in a weirdly similar position and said that if often hits her when she goes to send a photo/video to her mum of the kids and realises she can’t, which is heartbreaking. I’m waffling a bit now, sorry, but just to say I understand your position and how difficult it is to be positive, strong and supportive when this is having such a devastating impact on you.

@Guineapiggiesmalls that is so hard, how is your mum day to day? Does your 3 year old see her regularly or aware of anything going on?

It's cruel and unfair. I'm sorry I'm struggling to focus on positives today!

EvenLess07
I'm sorry your dad isn't responding well to the chemo. I hope they've at least sorted out the sepsis by now.

FoofOfTheWalkingDead
I'm so sorry about your mum.

@Wallawallakoala @Guineapiggiesmalls your description of how sad it makes you thinking about the impact on your DC really resonates. My 3yo today asked me when we'd do something and I had to say we couldn't do it until after papa died, and he simply said "I will really miss papa" and I felt like splitting in two. It's so cruel that I had four grandparents until I was an adult, and he loses his fabulous papa so young.

@Lotsofpots I was literally just thinking the same thing, about how I grew up into my 20s with my grandparents and what a massive part of my life they were. That is honestly so sad, I don't know how you kept it together.

Just practically, how do you actually keep it together for the DC? I'm trying to be happy and normal but not being able to fall apart is taking its toll and I feel sick all the time. Had lovely day with my mum and the DC today but I just want to break down and tell her how much we love her.

[quote Wallawallakoala]@Lotsofpots I was literally just thinking the same thing, about how I grew up into my 20s with my grandparents and what a massive part of my life they were. That is honestly so sad, I don't know how you kept it together.

Just practically, how do you actually keep it together for the DC? I'm trying to be happy and normal but not being able to fall apart is taking its toll and I feel sick all the time. Had lovely day with my mum and the DC today but I just want to break down and tell her how much we love her.[/quote]
I wish I had the answer to this.

My "not keeping it together" around the kids basically looks like me being ratty and short tempered, and then full of guilt (currently reading "how to be a calm parent" in the hope of managing this better). I wrote a post last month where I listed some things that have helped me cope - therapy, doing one thing that I really enjoy at least weekly, doing whatever I can to get good sleep.
Two other things that the last few weeks have taught me are:

• letting yourself be sad in front of the kids. My eldest thought he was sadder than everyone as he hadn't seen us cry, and was worried about his feelings as a result. I'm deliberately letting them see my cracks.

• if you can, see you parents without the children from time to time so you get quality time with them. It's been wonderful having those moments recently.

You will cope @Wallawallakoala - it's just going to be utterly rubbish along the way. Sending strength.

Thank you for this thread. I can't believe I am writing this. I took my Mum into A and E on Wednesday at 12pm after she had been complaining of a constant headache on one side of her head, she was finally admitted to the ward at 9pm. By Thursday afternoon a consultant wanted to speak to me and my Dad. A melanoma that we had thought had been previously treated a few years ago has spread to her lungs and into the brain. Going forward I am trying to identify support for my Dad as well.

@havanesehope I’m sorry you’re here, that sounds nightmarish. Is your mum still in hospital? There’s lots of good advice on this thread, or it’s here if you need to unload. Thinking of you, I’m only a few weeks ahead of you in terms of diagnosis but it’s the first time I’ve genuinely felt in actual shock about something so hopefully you’ve got some good support around you.

Yes, she is still in hospital. My teenagers are struggling a bit. It helps to write it all down. Thank you.

Hi, my DM has lung cancer, she has had chemo and radiotherapy. Recent scan showed the tumor hasnt changed in size, however the Drs have detected a new suspicious looking "something", too small at the moment for them to say whether it is a new tumour. She has an appointment with her oncologist in a couple of weeks for the results of her recent scan. Through all the treatment she has continued to smoke, i have spoken to her oncologist about it and he said its a battle not worth having. Yesterday i saw her and she was smoking one cigarette after another, she has ashtrays full of dogends around her house. It is so heart breaking to see, i wonder what further damage she is doing to herself

I'm really sorry, havanese.
The shock is awful in those first days. And awful that that melanoma was meant to be dealt with. Rant away here whenever you need to, and I hope the doctors are supporting you.

sandwiches, that must be so upsetting, that she still can't stop smoking. I imagine she's also stressed about getting the scan results so smokes more to deal with that. I'm sorry you find yourself on this thread too.

Not had a good week here. Saw my mum and we had such a nice time, so I left feeling happy and then within a couple of minutes was crying on the drive home because I don't want to lose that.
Also in process of moving house to a new area, so nothing feels stable and am getting 4 hours' sleep a night if I'm lucky.

@Fhortu such a familiar feeling having good times then the incredible sadness that follows. You've got so much on with a move too...put yourself first and take whatever rest you can get

Thanks, Wallawallakoala. It's disorientating, isn't it, how you can think you're okay one minute and then be in bits the next? My mum's friend visited her and said to me later, "She told me she just really wants to still be here." And while I obviously already knew that she really wants to live, just hearing it put into words upset me a lot. It's always a nagging ache in the background but there's the occasional blunt force trauma of it.

How are you and your mum coping with it all at the moment? Do you know what treatment she'll be having?

The nagging ache is feeling very familiar it's awful. Hearing that must be so so hard.

I'm actually not going to ask her about it this week but I know she's waiting on an appointment to discuss

I hope the appointment goes as well as it can, Walla.