19-year-old came out as non-binary

[MitchmumR]

Hello - please excuse the double post, I didn't see there was a specific page for LGBTQ+ children. I've only just made an account, and am not the most tech-literate woman out there!

Anyway, my 19-year-old came out to me as non-binary a few days ago. I love them so much, and am delighted that they felt comfortable enough to tell me - obviously I want to support them as much as possible, I was just wondering if any other parents whose children have come out to them (or trans/non-binary people themselves!) had any good resources I can use to make sure I'm as supportive as possible. Thanks 🤗

People don’t use pronouns about themselves and are never present when someone is using pronouns instead of their name. Think about it, do you use ‘they/them’ when talking to your child?
“Hey Sam, what would you like for lunch?”
”hey they, what would you like for lunch?”

Can you see how ridiculous it sounds?

You sound lovely and supportive - ignore the nasty anti trans people on here.

😂

Do you realise how old fashioned the notion of gender actually is? It’s the belief that males and females have to fit into certain boxes - girls have long hair, like pink, flowers, dresses and want to be nurses or teachers. Boys have short hair, like blue, mud, track suits and want to be astronauts or engineers. It’s purely about stereotypes. it’s a performance. One where boys and girls who don’t fit the stereotypical boys/girls list is made to feel odd and must therefore be ‘non-binary’.
There are many of us who don’t subscribe to a notion of ‘gender’ at all because we can see it for what it is - harmful and reductive. We use pronouns to indicate sex - nothing at all to do with ‘gender’. We know that a ‘she’ can be what used to be called a ‘tomboy’. I was always a tomboy as a child and probably still am. But I was always female, didn’t need to pretend that I was neither male or female, didn’t need to force others to pretend I was neither male or female.
Those who have fallen for this harmful ideology expect others to also believe it too - that’s as narcissistic as it gets!

Not just narcissistic, but also cringeworthy IMO. That’s my overriding feeling when people spout this regressive stuff. I feel embarrassed on their behalf. Who on Earth measures themselves against a daft, old-fashioned scale of socially constructed stereotypes nowadays? It’s like measuring how far the hem of your skirt is above your knees to see whether you’re A Good Woman or A Bad Woman. It’s cringeworthy and laughable.

The idea that intelligent people sit there earnestly pondering over exactly where they are on a ‘gender spectrum’ constructed by sexist, conservative farts centuries ago is just utterly astounding.

Sex is a biological fact and binary/non-binary is about ideas and beliefs. I haven't yet spotted any other differences between a "binary" person and a "non-binary" one so I'm not sure why you're concerned. You can support your child with being non-binary whatever you think of it, just as you can can support your child becoming a Christian while you're still an atheist.

My reaction to being told that someone is non-binary is usually "yes but are they a non-binary man or a non-binary woman?" (Obviously you already know that about your DD.) More generally it's like asking if someone is rich or poor and being told "they're a socialist"- yes, but I wanted to know are they a rich socialist or a poor one? Being non-binary is just having some particular ideas about sex and gender and it doesn't change what sex she is, just like being socialist means have particular ideas about money and it wouldn't change how much money she has.

What's with the "I'm so glad she feels comfortable to tell me"? Obviously it's nice that she still shares her opinions with you but do you think something more is going on? Do you think she's got serious issues, that she doesn't want to be a woman any more?

Sex has practical and social consequences, just as wealth and poverty have consequences. There are vulnerabilities that your DD has from being female, as well as social expectations placed on her because she's female, just as there are vulnerabilities from being poor and social expectations about class.

So "non-binary" might just be a way round annoying social expectations but the worry is that your DD could be trying to escape or deny some real vulnerability that she feels as a woman.

Also you used the term "coming out". That suggests there's going to be more than pronouns. "Coming out" is a process and your DD has only just started. So buckle up, you've got a ride ahead!

(edited to fix typo)

You have really, unfortunately, come to the wring place here as mumsnet is extremely anti nonbinary/trans. Just treat it as you would if your child changed religions and chose a new name to reflect that. Its not hard—your child hasn’t changed who they are to you. Just changed how they relate to the way the world forces choices on people because of rigid and outdated ideas about conformity.