19-year-old came out as non-binary

[MitchmumR]

Hello - please excuse the double post, I didn't see there was a specific page for LGBTQ+ children. I've only just made an account, and am not the most tech-literate woman out there!

Anyway, my 19-year-old came out to me as non-binary a few days ago. I love them so much, and am delighted that they felt comfortable enough to tell me - obviously I want to support them as much as possible, I was just wondering if any other parents whose children have come out to them (or trans/non-binary people themselves!) had any good resources I can use to make sure I'm as supportive as possible. Thanks 🤗

for them to feel they have to come out as non binary does make me question if they’ve had stereotypes forced upon them so they felt girls had to act one way, boys another. Not saying it’s your fault op, it’s the media too. It’s important to teach children and young people that gender being on a spectrum means boys can do stereotypical girls things and vice versa. Doesn’t make you less of a boy/girl at all. Many young people think that because they don’t conform to stereotypical behaviours then they can’t possibly be that gender which is sadly a result of social pressures and expectation.

i would just ask them what it means to be non binary. If they say they don’t feel like a girl because eg they don’t like pink/ dancing whatever or a boy because they don’t like cars/football maybe work with the to remove those stereotypical ideologies which can be quite harmful.

You're right - it's very old-fashioned! "There are only two genders and Pluto is still a planet!" 🤣

They will grow out of it. Declaring oneself non binary requires very little effort and allows you to mix it with the alphabet soup mob and not be a boring cis person.

When your children come out - or similar most parents need to talk.

You worry that things will be different to most of your friends' experiences with their 'normal' straight children.

The op seems a decent parent and doesn't want to get things wrong, wants to be supportive.

It has to be said that some parents are total arses - my children can testify to that. Some of their friend's parents have been terrible.

So talking to others - whether it's on here or specific support groups can help.

Been there, done that. 3x gay children. (+ helped other parents at the start of their own journeys.)

I don't imagine DT would be at all bothered by what your teenager wants to call themselves. They're entitled to refer to themselves as whatever they want - but can't compel or require others to do the same.

That chimes with how they explained it - they said it's nothing to do with their personality, but something more 'inherent'. The way they described it was if they had no body, they wouldn't see themselves as either gender, whereas if I had no body I would still think of myself as 'a woman'. So it's nothing to do with their interests, just who they are as a person

What does your adult child mean by non binary ?
What do they want you to do to support them?

OP you seem to be confusing the concept of gender with sex in some of your posts. We know there are only 2 sexes - people who believe they have some sort of innate sense of “gender” suggest there are lots of genders.

That aside non binary has always baffled me as I don’t think you need to have certain traits to be a man or a woman. I’ve never felt that way- for example - you needed to like pink to be a woman.

Very stereotypical. I feel saying you are “non binary” makes out that you are somehow “other” if you are a woman who doesn’t perform femininity which only reinforces the stereotypes really.

I think most peeps would agree with you User It just comes across as another trend to be different, except so many others are doing the same.
A few years ago after the bipolar character was featured on Eastenders, that became 'fashionable' [annoyed me because I actually have the condition. Then being gay became the new thing, then non binary and other labels peeps just had to give themselves.
It's a bit like saying I'm vegeterian but I eat fish sometimes. You are not veggie if you do that.
Everyone seems to want a label.

Yes, they know one trans person whose parents have cut them off completely - like you said, total arses! 🤬

Agree with others, they’ll grow out of it. It’s the equivalent affectation that ‘going vegan’ was in the 00s. Or shaving your head in the 90s. Just a way for a struggling teen to feel important and special. Same as it ever was. Nod and smile. They’ll have forgotten about it soon

Their sex does actually matter because there are different outcomes to the support you offer and females tend to come off worse.

If she is female she is very likely not happy with her body being seen as sexual. There may have been sexual assault or other unwanted behaviour directed at her because of her sexed body. This is one of the primary reasons that young women try to hide their sex.

Another is ASD. You haven't mentioned this so I assume not relevant but there is a high cohort of young women with autism who identify as trans simply because they feel like they don't fit in.

The other possible concern is that your daughter does actually start taking testosterone so that she grows facial hair and becomes generally more hairy and her voice deepens. I know two non binary young women who do this even though they are not wanting to transition.

Even more alarming and very on trend is that these young women have their breasts removed, again, even though they only claim a non binary gender and do not intend to transition to male.

So by supporting her now, you could lead her to that.

If he is male it is much more likely that he will want to transition. Males tend to start non binary just as a stepping stone to coming out as a transwoman. They are much less likely to have surgical intervention. They will take hormones as they want to grow breasts. There is a very high chance that this is driven by sexual fetish.

You might want to consider whether you would support this.

Either way, they will get their hormones on the black market.

So you could be encouraging that as well.

Overenthusiastically approve of it and get her a cake. Soon she will think it's uncool and then quietly drop it

That makes no sense. I am female because my body is. If I had been born with no body (somehow) I would not be either. My personality is my personality, my sex is my sex. I do not ‘feel’ like women- I simply am one.

Amazed at how quickly some people have jumped to calling my child attention-seeking or acting like I should infantilise them. They're 19! An Adult, living away from home! They can do what they like!

I simply asked a question to see if there were any parents in the same situation as me, and all sorts of people seem to have crawled out of the woodwork telling me that I should reject my child for some sort of political grievance which they assumed I had. If that's how you see your children then I hope you all have a long look in the mirror.

Then maybe you're non-binary?

This is a supremely weird response. I asked how I can support my child and you started talking about black market hormones like a conspiracy theorist

How? I am a women and so female . That’s it. That is the beginning and the end of the discussion

Well played, now we know you are on a piss-take. Arent the Easter hols over yet?

What thought went through your brain when you decided to call the child of someone you've never met 'deluded'? What a cruel, spiteful way to spend your time.

Which practitioner is prescribing your child's drugs then OP?

Absolutely no on has told you to reject your child.

That would make the majority of people non binary wouldn’t it ?

Most people do not feel a sense of discord with the sex they are born - so aren’t trans - and they dont particularly feel it is responsible for their personality traits either.

Okay, if that's how you see things! Live and let live 😊