19-year-old came out as non-binary

[MitchmumR]

Hello - please excuse the double post, I didn't see there was a specific page for LGBTQ+ children. I've only just made an account, and am not the most tech-literate woman out there!

Anyway, my 19-year-old came out to me as non-binary a few days ago. I love them so much, and am delighted that they felt comfortable enough to tell me - obviously I want to support them as much as possible, I was just wondering if any other parents whose children have come out to them (or trans/non-binary people themselves!) had any good resources I can use to make sure I'm as supportive as possible. Thanks 🤗

You sound like such a lovely mum so ignore any negativity. It says a lot about your relationship that they were able to discuss this with you.
Keep on just being you! X

Have you lost your way?

If I believed in gender bollocks I'd probably be described as non-binary, not sure when I last wore anything other than trousers but I'm not 19 and feeling the need for a label.

But as people are now saying, the thread is probably goady bollocks.

@MitchmumR, I'm not sure if you're still here, but my DD also told me she was non binary a couple of months ago. Also age 19, ND and with MH conditions. I am being quietly supportive but she is very introverted and doesn't want any fuss or even change - she isn't even bothered about changing pronouns (as yet). I would change pronouns if this was important to her. For some years she has hated her female body, wears a binder (I have been unsuccessful in talking her out of this) and dresses very androgynously. She uses they/them for some of her friends, but currently isn't bothered whether we use they or she for her. So we are basically carrying on as normal but with the awareness that is how she now identifies. She has friends that are young trans men and says she definitely doesn't want to go down this route because she doesn't feel male or female. I honestly believe that what she is really saying is that she doesn't like stereotypical boys stuff or girls stuff (just 'stuff'), and because of that doesn't identify with either gender. And I get that completely, because it is an attitude that she is surrounded by in college. There definitely seems to be an idea around her age group that if you don't like stereotypical female stuff you can't actually be female, and similar for male 'stuff'. In DD this is combined by a strong dislike of her female body. We are navigating this as best we can. I want to be supportive enough that her MH is not at even more risk, whilst leaving the option open for her to quietly forget it if she chooses. It's up to her. I just wanted to say hi if you are still here and let you know that there are others on here who are trying to be supportive to their teens whilst also trying to safeguard them from interventions that might actually be harmful.

Sorry about the multiple duplicate posts. I'll report.

What attracted you to mumsnet @MitchmumR ?

They are not happy with their gender surely that’s why they’re now non binary. Do you mean sex? If they wanted to change sex

can you can explain non binary to me, and can they explain it to you?

It’s ok op they will grow up and grow out of this phase

don't let the naysayers wittering on about how "transphobic" MN is put you off. There are a LOT of very knowledgeable people here, and several parents have trod this path before you.

Your child has expressed what most of us feel. we don't have a "gender" as such, it is a social construct. In different societies gender - say "male" for eg - has different stereotypes. Female has very different stereotypes and "norms" depending on where you are. Female in Afghanistan has a very strict set of behaviours attached to it, and in the UK they are very different.

Most of us don't conform to narrow rigid gender stereotypes. They can be harmful, and as 2nd wave feminists showed - they are largely irrelevant.

The best thing you can do? is carry on being you and your child can carry on being them. Non-binary, IMO, is meaningless because nobody conforms 100% to all the stereotypes of gender. So love your child, keep on with your excellent realationship and just get on with your lives. Support really isn't needed i think.

I say this with love - Mumsnet isn't the place for you.

Mumsnet is not generally supportive of trans people and is more for parents who love their children but are gender critical and want to continue loving their children while maintaining their own beliefs.

It's lovely that you want to support your child and I think you are doing the right things.

Don't be too supportive, i.e. make it so they can't change their mind should they feel differently in a few years. Similarly, don't say "you'll change your mind in a few years" or you you'll isolate them and potentially lose them. Sounds like you are doing a great job though.

OP, I really commend you for being such a thoughtful and supportive mom. I agree with another poster who mentioned that MN might not be the best place to bring something like this. I love this community and it has helped me through many things, but this is one topic I personally wouldn’t bring here either.

As a mother of two bisexual daughters, my biggest advice is to continue living your life with them just as you did before. Respect them, support them, and stay open and curious. Ask honest questions and let them guide you when you’re unsure. Kids understand that many of us grew up in a different world and that we’re still learning. If you say or do something “wrong,” they won’t be upset as long as they know it comes from a place of love and not harm.

You both sound like wonderful people, and I’m confident you’ll navigate this beautifully moving forward.

Jesus, what a nasty, hateful post.

this is someone’s child you’re talking about

@AStonedRose I think there’s a huge difference between taking the piss and being ‘hateful’. Personally I think that affirmation of delusions is far more harmful in the long run.

Fair enough.

do you spend a lot of time taking the piss out of confused children?

OP. MN is not the place for any sort of support. This thread and the snarky replies you have received tells you all you need to know about MN.

Perhaps some on the thread missed this...

'This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space'

This.
Everybody is gender non binary, it’s a nonsense term.

Hi folks

Just a reminder - troll hunting is against talk guidelines.

Please don't post in this way on the thread. You're free to report your concerns to us using the report button.

Thanks.

OP if you are still reading this - you’ve said your child is 19 and living away from home, are they at university or has just moved away following a job?

If they are at university, the only advice I would give is to hold off any legal name change until they’ve graduated so that their GCSEs, A Levels and Degree are issued to the same name, it just makes life easier for background checks for job applications later on.

Most universities would accept something like “my legal name is Fiona Smith, but I would like to be known as Finn Smith.” (And also makes life easier if their new name has the same fist initial as their birth name if at all possible.)

Previous posters are right that a significant portion of those who decided they are non-binary at late teens aren’t still identifying as NB by mid to late 20s, don’t make a thing of that to your child now, but keep it in mind that you might have to help them walk this back later. If all qualifications are in their birth name, this won’t cause questions in 20 years time if they are back to using their birth name then, but if they’ve already got GCSEs and A levels, they’ll have to explain to any potential employer they are NB and changed their name so might as well be all qualifications not just the pre-19 ones.

Your child isn’t ’non-binary’ because that is a meaningless statement. All humans are either male or female. That is a fact and cannot be changed. So anyone who is claiming to be ‘non-binary’ might as well claim to be a fish! It’s impossible.
Would you be a ‘proud mamma’ if your 19 year old told you they were now a fish?