DD wants to “pass” as male at sixth form - how to handle this?

[speckledgreenfrogs]

Hey everyone, made a throwaway account for this.
For simplicity, I’ll be using sex based pronouns when talking about my DC, forgive me if I word anything wrong here.

So about 2 years ago, my daughter (14 at the time) came out to our family as trans. We (me and DH) asked her what exactly that meant to her, and she said she’d like to be called a new male name and be use male pronouns, DH and DS11 bless them, have abided by this but for me as her mother it’s not that easy, I remember the day we found out we were having a girl, I was so happy, especially because I don’t have any sisters, only 2 brothers (which of course I wouldn’t change for the world, but it would have been nice to have a sister) and the memories of me and DH picking her name and middle names, honestly these memories almost make me cry now. (After many times of DD screaming she hates her birth names, and saying DS “doesn’t realise how lucky he is” (I was NOT happy with that comment at all, what the hell???)

Apologies if this is coming off as a rant, I don’t know what to do. Apologies again if this is the wrong place to post this.

Anyway, she’s due to start sixth form in September, managed to snag a place at this really great private sixth form (which is costing an arm and a leg to afford 😅 )(not trying to sound like a twat by saying that it’s private, will edit it that out if that’s a problem) However, we have one (not) tiny issue.

I believe her aim is to join this new 6th form and pose as male (again, forgive me for my language if that’s rude) As she turned 16 earlier this year, she was able to get her name legally changed.

To put it bluntly, how fucked are we? I mean it’s going to come out eventually isn’t it? And I know it’ll be sooner than later. My fear isn’t that she’ll get bullied/made fun of/won’t be respected, more of that she’ll get “outed”/her birth sex will be noticeable, despite her short haircut, and masculine suits (they have to wear smart/business clothing).

She refuses for us to have any communication with the school to let them know, even though we’ve explained to her (many times) that it would be so much better for her if we did.

Even though I honestly am struggling with her transition, I still (and will always) love her more than life itself, and me and DH (who has also expressed his concerns about this) don’t want her to be upset/be in for a “big shock” when it all goes to shit (pardon my language).

She’s also trying to convince DH to get her passport changed? Please tell me you need both parent’s consent for that? I will never say yes to that and she knows it.

Thanks in advance everyone, hope you’re all having a great Sunday. ❤️

I am not speaking in the behalf of gay people….where did I say I was? I am saying that I (straight female) find it offensive….I am allowed an opinion?

Absolutely. It is fascinating how keen some gay men and others are to derail a thread asking for help for a troubled teen.

I mean she isn’t. But in your black and white world I am sure it feels like that.

”I find it offensive that you chose to use she and her in your reply”

As opposed to your world where there can be no protection from discrimination based on sex because you do not even recognise the category ‘sex’? Where the word ‘woman’ includes men? Where women find themselves locked up in prison with male rapists, where nurses are told to undress in front of men, where child safeguarding flies out the window?

You stated that certain groups of people weren’t gay . That’s your opinion . It is not fact.
If you’re not gay perhaps you should stay in your lane.

I hope that OP had a good response from the school
that the contract legalities have been sorted out

and that her daughter enjoys her time being as androgynous as she fancies
without the constraints of either
femininity
or
gender ideology
while also
respecting the rights of the boys
to single sex spaces

Absolutely not. This is bullying. Op does not have to go along with this and the child is still a minor. The choice to “afirm” is not a neutral one and can entrench a position that is just a passing phase and cause untold damage further down the line. Whether you agree with this or not I do hope you’re not trying to goad op into lying about the sex of her child because this is very clearly illegal.

Gay is very clearly defined as homosexuality usually used for men as lesbian is for homosexual women and bi for those attracted to both sexes.

claiming to be the opposite sex, transgender etc is an entirely different issue.

This

Yes very much this.

I don’t actually think any of those things. I just think you are very lacking in empathy.

this is the only measured sensible response

Where's your empathy for the women forced to share a prison cell with a rapist or forced to undress in front of male-bodied people? Isn't empathy a two way street? Where is the empathy of those male-bodied people for the feelings of the women?

This

I have huge empathy for the girls harmed by this insidious movement.

This story from Charlie Bentley-Astor who was encouraged to ‘transition’ by her GP at university (archive link to the article in the thread - she has given more detail of the doctors involvement elsewhere but I can’t find it atm).

When these girls realise the enormous damage do done to them before they were old enough to understand there will be huge fallout.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4600181-charlies-story

Oh give it a rest. You know nothing of the pain a parent goes through when their child is trans. Do you think I rejoiced? I spent years privately grieving. My SON is my only child, of course I support him, I am his parent. What did you expect me to do, kick him to the kerb. My entire family, neighborhood, his friends, the local barber etc etc also support him.
His mastectomy was not only done for trans reasons it was also for a health reason which I do not need to go into with you.
The problem is you have never gone through the experience of having a child who hates the body they were born with, the severe depression that comes with that. My SON spent years and years having counselling at the Tavistock and then under UCLH and despite what the Daily Mail lead you to believe, they do not force kids to change gender in fact they tried to do the opposite.
No He does not invade male spaces and you make a lot of assumptions as to what HE does do such as suggesting he is so stupid he does not realize he is biologically female. .

Sadly for all those involved, Tavistock wasn’t shut down due to Daily Mail misrepresentation on what their practices were.

I wish the best for you and your child but think the ‘support’ offered by this clinic has been very widely questioned and I truly hope your family will at some point be able to find peace with what has happened, on many levels.

I do understand actually. I know what trans does to families. It's like a grenade that destroys everything.

There are many others here who also understand because they are parents.

Don't presume you are the only one with direct family experience on this thread. I am aware there are a number of other posters who absolutely do understand but have handled it differently because they see the harm this creates and sought to prevent it.

Your daughter sadly will find it a lot more difficult to recover from her delusions if all those around her indulge them. She has already suffered permanent harm as a result of affirming this destructive ideology. I hope she recovers and accepts her sex before she suffers even more harm in the arms of this pernicious industry.

@Loobylu66 I am curious as to what you and your daughter would have done if there had been no affirmation and no surgery?
Because that's what evidence based medicine recommends - there's no evidence either of these help mental health, and surgery with no benefits is completely unethical.
Surely it's better for her to live as an androgynous woman than expect everyone else to agree with her mental imbalance?

Anorexic children beleive they are overweight, when they clearly aren't. Affirming any delusion is dangerous.

Are you ok OP and have you spoken to your family about moving forward re sixth form? X

This