DD wants to “pass” as male at sixth form - how to handle this?

[speckledgreenfrogs]

Hey everyone, made a throwaway account for this.
For simplicity, I’ll be using sex based pronouns when talking about my DC, forgive me if I word anything wrong here.

So about 2 years ago, my daughter (14 at the time) came out to our family as trans. We (me and DH) asked her what exactly that meant to her, and she said she’d like to be called a new male name and be use male pronouns, DH and DS11 bless them, have abided by this but for me as her mother it’s not that easy, I remember the day we found out we were having a girl, I was so happy, especially because I don’t have any sisters, only 2 brothers (which of course I wouldn’t change for the world, but it would have been nice to have a sister) and the memories of me and DH picking her name and middle names, honestly these memories almost make me cry now. (After many times of DD screaming she hates her birth names, and saying DS “doesn’t realise how lucky he is” (I was NOT happy with that comment at all, what the hell???)

Apologies if this is coming off as a rant, I don’t know what to do. Apologies again if this is the wrong place to post this.

Anyway, she’s due to start sixth form in September, managed to snag a place at this really great private sixth form (which is costing an arm and a leg to afford 😅 )(not trying to sound like a twat by saying that it’s private, will edit it that out if that’s a problem) However, we have one (not) tiny issue.

I believe her aim is to join this new 6th form and pose as male (again, forgive me for my language if that’s rude) As she turned 16 earlier this year, she was able to get her name legally changed.

To put it bluntly, how fucked are we? I mean it’s going to come out eventually isn’t it? And I know it’ll be sooner than later. My fear isn’t that she’ll get bullied/made fun of/won’t be respected, more of that she’ll get “outed”/her birth sex will be noticeable, despite her short haircut, and masculine suits (they have to wear smart/business clothing).

She refuses for us to have any communication with the school to let them know, even though we’ve explained to her (many times) that it would be so much better for her if we did.

Even though I honestly am struggling with her transition, I still (and will always) love her more than life itself, and me and DH (who has also expressed his concerns about this) don’t want her to be upset/be in for a “big shock” when it all goes to shit (pardon my language).

She’s also trying to convince DH to get her passport changed? Please tell me you need both parent’s consent for that? I will never say yes to that and she knows it.

Thanks in advance everyone, hope you’re all having a great Sunday. ❤️

What name do the sixth form hold for DC?

My DD (was DS) told us she wanted to transition at the age of 19 so things are a little different in terms of needing parental permission etc.

Sixth form will need to know what name is preferred otherwise there’s going to be so much repetitive explaining to be done, which your DC may be ok with, but it will draw a lot of attention for peers.

I know mumsnet is very anti trans, or at least the parts I have seen, but honestly, I have never seen my child so happy than this summer, which is quite sad really as they are 22 in a few weeks.

With regards to passport, I don’t know, but driving license was changed with just a deed poll.

Mumsnet isnt "anti trans" at all. They are supporters of supporting women's rights. And the 2 should never ever be conflated. They do have a lot of gender critical supporters, but again that isnt being "anti trans" at all.

What name have you registered her as at school?
what name will be on her GCSE certificates this week?
what gender have you put on the admission forms?

OP, is your daughter autistic?

OP is posting in good faith, no need to derail the thread

Of course the school needs to know your daughter’s sex, for all kinds of reasons- respect for other pupils, medical records etc. This is a non starter.

What is her plan for going to the toilet? Waiting until she gets home?!

She can't turn up at 6th form pretending to be a boy, There are legal ramifications for a start around toilets.

As the mother of a teenage boy I would not want your DD in the boys toilets where my son and others are standing at urinals with their penises out. Women deserve single sex spaces and not to have men in there, but equally so do men/boys.

Ask her how she would feel if it was a boy wanting to be a girl and joining the school, or maybe not.
the school will know surely, they must know her results from gcses?

The school do need to know. She could well be getting changed for sports with the boys - not safe for her and isn’t fair on them either. Schools toilets and changing rooms are single sex, she is still (and always will be) female.

Does the 6th form have a house system and is it split by sex (a lot of boarding schools do and are). She needs to be in the right house.

How ‘passing’ is she? She shouldn’t be in cross sex hormones, so won’t she just look like a16 year old girl wearing a suit?

as she a gender neutral name? what is her name on her gcse results?
i would inform the school. her preferred pronoun is He

This - it is really hard to have anything other than your full name on the gcse certificates and she will need to have them

it also isn’t fair on anyone for her to present as male rather than a trans man which she is and frankly could cause a whole set of issues

They need to know her biological sex because she is a child and they have to be able to safeguard her and all the children in their care.

She refuses for us to have any communication with the school to let them know, even though we’ve explained to her (many times) that it would be so much better for her if we did.

You must already be in communication with the school, to enroll her, sort fees etc? She’s under 18, you’re still her legal guardians.

The school will need to know her biological sex from a safeguarding perspective for both her and other students, she can’t just rock up and pretend to be a boy, it’s a silly idea.

What about changing for sports, or if there’s a school residential? It’s unfair on the other students to have a person of the opposite biological sex changing or sleeping in the same space.

Unfortunately, the sixth form hold the new male name.

She will not pass.
People may say nothing to 'be kind' but everybody will know.

The school will know her true details because they will receive her GCSEs
and your application has hopefully told the truth.

She can be a non conforming girl who dresses in an androgynous manner
and hangs around with the boys
but please do not allow her to take drugs that could destroy her fertility and bone density in ways that she may regret when she is 30.

Well she can't change with the boys or use their toilets. If you are UK based that is the law.

If she is demanding her own toilet and changing room that is not going to go down well on Day 1 at a private school. They may pander to that nonsense in a state school but not so much a private school surely? They can pick and choose who attends their school.

This is tricky - I would think it is highly unlikely that she will 'pass' and I do wonder how people are going to react to her both male and female.

What is her voice like? Is it unusually deep for a girl?

Is she planning on wearing a packer? Does she use a binder?

What is she going to do about periods?

The school has to know - for medical reasons if nothing else. If she were to faint and they did not know it would be problematic.

i agree with PP it’s a safeguarding issue, your DC is a minor and school have to know. Unfortunately this is not a choice your DC has.

How? Surely they’ve had her gcse certificates to enroll her?

We’ve had to register her with the new male name as she argued that now it’s her legal name, we have “no choice” I’ve been in contact with the secondary school and the new name will be on the GCSE certificates, and they are fulfilling her request to remove the sex on them.

We’re in such a mess, I know. The thing is DH has been practically manipulated into giving the green light for this, and I feel like I am out numbered my voice just gets ignored every single time.

presumably the school will tell the sixth form, as you should

she is not a He

You could let her, and prepare to deal with the fallout, only if you have talked through all the likely scenarios first. Some of those are quite unpleasant.