Transgender child, very offensive dh

[Starlightgazing]

Morning all. When my child was about 13, they came out to me as transgender. We have a fantastic relationship now that they are comfortable in who they are. The issue is my DH of 22 years. Ex military, very strict upbringing. He will sit watching telly, and if there is a same sex couple on an advert or something, there’s comments such as “ ooh, which ones the man, oh, both of them”, or “ oh ffs, here we go again”, or “box ticked”, if there’s a mixed race family or the such. My child will get up and leave the room when he starts on this, as they are offended, but he will then make a comment about that. He just doesn’t get how offensive he is.
The thing is, we have 3 children, and I would love to scream at him that out of his 3 kids, 2 of them aren’t straight and he has no idea.
Also, it’s not my news to tell him, that has to come from my child, but at the moment, they are not comfortable in telling him how they are, due to his disgusting attitude.
I am delighted that they told me, as there were some issues that I could to quite put my finger on, but now I know they are transgender, it explains everything and they are much happier now.
What do I do about my DH? Nothing? Wait for my child to tell him? It’s very hard for me not to just blurt it out! if only for shutting him up.

I don’t have a problem with it, I just don’t want it rammed down my throat on the telly

I'm bisexual, and I don't want that either tbh. This is how I feel.

How is a mixed race couple on an advert ramming anything down anyone’s throat?

what exactly is it ramming?

Yeah, I wondered that.

Dh and I are a mixed race couple. I wonder if people think we're ramming it down their throats when we walk down the street?

I honestly can't understand why anyone would get upset about seeing a mixed race couple in an advert unless they have a problem with mixed race relationships in general. Which some people do, of course, for reasons that I will never be able to fathom!

Yeah I am mixed race. I never feel like see a couple of the same race (any race) on an advert is shoving anything down my throat tbh. Despite my parents being of different races and my Dp being white.

I would like to add that I do not have an issue with anyones race, colour, sexual persuasion or anything else. They were my DH words, not mine.

Your husband sounds awful, as others have said. I’m not clear on whether you are wanting relationship advice or advice about your transgender child. You mention age 13, how old are they now?

Sounds like your DC (esp if male) have absorbed their father’s toxic masculinity and now have internalised homophobia. You need to deal with this as trans if the gay away is really a thing. My DS is gay and came out to me at 16. He tells me about male ‘trans’ friends who have internalised homophobia due to toxic fathers openly being homophobic about their sons. Put your DC first, I’m divorced and my new partner is very supportive of my DS life but that hasn’t stopped bullying happening in life, he didn’t need fathers snide comments too.

I’m not quite sure how it would be obvious?

I understand you can't just up and leave him op.

But, can you not verbally challenge him? Or even just, when he makes these comments, call him out directly so at least your children know that SOMEONE is standing up to him? Or, in a slightly different way, COUNTER his comments with poisitive, don't care what you think DH, comments of your own? "I love that we can mostly live in a society now where people can be free to be togther like that....I remember the days when gay people were beaten in the street just for holding hands by homophobes...oh, wait, homophobes still do that...", or, "It's good to see representation, there must be people in the minority who really resonate with that". I don't know, more positive comments to overlay his negative ones.

Same!

👏

people do cut their parents off for things like this.

In the old days parents used to cut their children off for "things like this" but now the children get in first. So the OP's stuck in the middle, worried about her husband's reaction and her child's.

OP you need to have serious words with both of them - with all of them. Bollocks to being the family secret keeper! Adulting is hard and you can't do it for your children. If the kids are old enough to announce their sexual orientation or gender identity then they're old enough to tell both their parents.

I mean, that was very clear in your op.

But I am asking, what does he mean by it being shoved down his throat.

how does a mixed race family in an advert equate to something being shoved down his throat. And what is it that he feels is being shoved?

I totaly agree with you on this, many women have to plan to leave, can't afford to.It's unpleasant but with the cost of living and lack of housing a fact of life.

Hello op.
Firstly, I would encourage your DC to tell him the truth. His love for them may change his outlook.
Secondly, go to a specialist family solicitor and ask for free legal advice. You DH will have a good military pension which will need to be taken into consideration if you do divorce him and will provide an income for you unto your old age

So has at least one of the older ones set up home in a same sex relationship? Surely your H has noticed?

This is a ticking time bomb because there may ck e a time when you are forced to choose, if your D.C. decide to go no contact because he won’t accept or be civil about their adult independent family.

In your shoes I would start planning for a single future.

It can be done. Smaller house, for sure. More frugal retirement, for sure. But happier with your life and a stable close relationship with your Dc? Only you know how sure that is and how important.

He sounds tevoting. Me and my children would find this revolting and we are all straight so not sure your children’s sexuality or “gender identity” has anything to do with it. You have said that you won’t/can’t leave so other then calling him out every time he says something unacceptable I’m not sure what you can do

This is an older thread, I hope things are going better for you and your DC OP.
My guess is that despite his comments, your DH loves his DC. If he knew the hurt he was causing them he might change his ways? Might even be mortified? He has spent a lifetime in a very hyper macho environment that has probably affected /fucked up his world view.
I'd start by challenging every single homophobic comment he makes ask him how, you don't have to out your DC but you could start to ask him how he'd feel if they weren't straight. Tell him that racism sickens you and that you will leave him if it doesn't stop.

Bullshit. I don't have any gay children (or any children at all), but I still manage not to be homophobic. It's not a valid excuse.

This is who he is - a homophobic racist. And yes, homophobia and racism do make someone a bad person.

Because it is her child who gets to decide who knows their business and when.

Outing isn't acceptable.

And by the sounds of the situation that child could be in severe danger of emotional or worse abuse. Poor kids.

You have two issues:

• your partner is homophobic and racist
• your partner does not care that what he is saying is hurting your child and making them feel unwelcome in their own home.

You need to leave that waste of space...

Hello @fiddleleaffig
I hope you have got somewhere with this situation in the last few months.
I have a ftm (21) but she is changing. Not sure about gender now.
My father was military but I can honestly tell you he wouldn't have shunned her.
My husband is black and I'm very white.
It is good to see different people on ads. My husband tells me it was rare in the 1970s when they were growing up. They used to rush in to see it. Heinz was one of the first brands to use POC.
We always had a mixed bag of visitors, my god parents were south Asian as the chap had served with my father in the Gurkas.
The military isn't like this, why do you think your husband is? Was his father the same?
I do think you need to challenge him or he's going to lose your DC. We have many fights in our house, yesterday it was Eddie Izzard. Daughter said NB I said transvestite. No permanent changes there. We can beg to differ.
My husband is a really balanced man but he was adamant he wouldn't do new names at home. Our daughter had been attacked and only we believed her. We got nowhere with the school. The transideolgy came swiftly after this event.
I would also suggest your husband starts reading up on gender issues. Knowledge would not be a bad thing.

My DC are straight and I couldn't stay married to a man with such awful attitudes

What an odious man. I do question why you are not exploring leaving him. It is hard to do but I wouldn’t want to spend my retirement with such an awful person who is likely to get worse over time. Take the financial hit now for longer term happiness.