Transgender child, very offensive dh

[Starlightgazing]

Morning all. When my child was about 13, they came out to me as transgender. We have a fantastic relationship now that they are comfortable in who they are. The issue is my DH of 22 years. Ex military, very strict upbringing. He will sit watching telly, and if there is a same sex couple on an advert or something, there’s comments such as “ ooh, which ones the man, oh, both of them”, or “ oh ffs, here we go again”, or “box ticked”, if there’s a mixed race family or the such. My child will get up and leave the room when he starts on this, as they are offended, but he will then make a comment about that. He just doesn’t get how offensive he is.
The thing is, we have 3 children, and I would love to scream at him that out of his 3 kids, 2 of them aren’t straight and he has no idea.
Also, it’s not my news to tell him, that has to come from my child, but at the moment, they are not comfortable in telling him how they are, due to his disgusting attitude.
I am delighted that they told me, as there were some issues that I could to quite put my finger on, but now I know they are transgender, it explains everything and they are much happier now.
What do I do about my DH? Nothing? Wait for my child to tell him? It’s very hard for me not to just blurt it out! if only for shutting him up.

Why are you in a relationship with this homophobic racist?

How is your marriage in general?

do you have 2 gay children and one trans?

(just trying to set the scene)

Your husband sounds dreadful regardless.

@TemuSpecialBuy
In general? Shite. He works away from home though, so is hardly ever here. We have 1 transgender, 1 bisexual and one straight.
I always have to bring things up first, though, so he is never the instigator, and I look like the bad guy. I’m very close to retiring, and the financial side worries me.
@DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum He wasn’t like this initially. It’s just over the last few years.

So your DH isn’t the kids father I’m assuming?

I wouldn't stay married to a racist homophobe, personally. Your kids deserve better.

Um. This is a shit show. Why on Earth did you marry him and have children with a homophobe?

Isn't it highly likely that your child isn't transgender at all, but actually gay, but darent say that because of their homophobic father?

Poor kids.

Well the first rule of therapy is you can’t change other people…

it’s a miserable way to live for everyone. Even your DH believe it or not…
I think you need to prioritise the kids well being and then yours…

id be looking at how you can separate and if financially that stacks up / the cost-benefit makes it a viable option.
then I’d look at timings youll have to bare in mind exams and retirement plans - that effects settlements. If you are retired and he isn’t you may benefit more but you need to check specifics with a solicitor

if you think it’s best to stay together until the kids are at uni you need to work on minimised contact and medium chill. it’s not ideal but possible it’s what my mum did with us.

Because separate to the issue at hand right now (ie his views upsetting the kids) you need to think about what your life will look like when you are 65+ now because if you don’t you might sleep walk into a home situation where you are very unhappy.

You have to leave him. You’ll be sacrificing a relationship with your dc for him if you don’t.

I’m very close to retiring, and the financial side worries me.

This is not a good enough reason for staying with him. Money and a nice house don't buy happiness.

Agree with PP, how can you stay married to man like this?

This. You are allowing this behaviour

I don't know why you're shocked OP not everyone is on board with how quickly society is changing . I worked with a man last year who said he'd rather his son turned out a serial killer than gay . Was the first time I'd ever heard such vitriol .
FWIW I don't think it's healthy for your children to hide their true selves . Husband needs to know and he either deals with it or not .

This is where mn can be incredibly unrealistic at times, whilst you’re absolutely right that being miserable is not worth it and neither is being In an abusive relationship but financial constraints can’t just be dismissed especially in this day and age, esp if OP can’t support herself.

The thing is, we have 3 children, and I would love to scream at him that out of his 3 kids, 2 of them aren’t straight and he has no idea.
Also, it’s not my news to tell him, that has to come from my child, but at the moment, they are not comfortable in telling him how they are, due to his disgusting attitude

I never understood this attitude, why does your child have to announce to their dad they are gay? Why can't you say it? Does your heterosexual child also have to announce that they are heterosexual? Sorry, but my mother always made me tell my dad news that I knew he wouldn't necessarily approve off because it's "not her business to tell him" even though they are married etc. it always caused a lot of unnecessary anxiety, and made me feel very alone and hurt that she couldn't support me by helping share the news. Sorry to derail but that just really triggers me and I find it a horrible attitude.

Your dh is a prick though and I couldn't respect or love or even like someone who had those views. It would definitely give me the "ick" and I'd be making arrangements to leave

@DustyLee123 Yes, father to all 3.

@fiddleleaffig My child has specifically asked me not to tell him, and I have to respect their wishes.

I understood the op's child doesn't want the dad to know.

What do you do about him? Erm, you fucking leave him!!

Well no you don't tell him until your dc are ready to share.

However be prepared that they may never want to share with their father, and long term, once they've left home, they may never return. Which would obviously impact your relationship with your DCs.

So you may have to choose between a comfortable retirement with little contact with your children, or one where finances are tough, but you have a lovely relationship with your children.

And I'm afraid that's up to you to choose. You'll get MN support either way.

If no one has told him, then no one has educated him!

My ex was homophobic! And it took my DD many years to tell him she was Bi.

As soon as he knew, he made an effort to change!

If no one challenges your DH the. He probs doesn't realise he's upsetting people in the family home?

Sadly not everyone is on board with all of this, doesn't mean they are bad people, just set in their ways... its not right but it is what it is

I don't know what advice you are looking for here. I couldn't be married to someone with such utterly repellent views 🤢

That’s the issue.

Does he watch GB news? I have had to stop associating with many middle aged male friends who have become homophobic and racist over the years, and all of them watch this channel.
I would have to end the marriage for the sake of my children. I did do this, as my 2nd husband was also like this, amongst other issues. Out of his 4 children, 2 are gay.

So you are going to spend your retirment with this man?
Is this what you want?
Because he won't always be 'away'.
Eventually he will be home .. with you.. 24/7.
And your kids will be grown up and away.
And they may well feel that since you didnt fully support them against his views and behaviour they wont need to support you.
So you will lose them.

Start thinking about your future, what you want it to be. Who you want to spend it with.

This might give you the courage to make changes that will, in the long run, support and protect your kids.

A long marriage being ended might leave you with more assets than you think... get advice/facts before you say no!!