Transgender child, very offensive dh

[Starlightgazing]

Morning all. When my child was about 13, they came out to me as transgender. We have a fantastic relationship now that they are comfortable in who they are. The issue is my DH of 22 years. Ex military, very strict upbringing. He will sit watching telly, and if there is a same sex couple on an advert or something, there’s comments such as “ ooh, which ones the man, oh, both of them”, or “ oh ffs, here we go again”, or “box ticked”, if there’s a mixed race family or the such. My child will get up and leave the room when he starts on this, as they are offended, but he will then make a comment about that. He just doesn’t get how offensive he is.
The thing is, we have 3 children, and I would love to scream at him that out of his 3 kids, 2 of them aren’t straight and he has no idea.
Also, it’s not my news to tell him, that has to come from my child, but at the moment, they are not comfortable in telling him how they are, due to his disgusting attitude.
I am delighted that they told me, as there were some issues that I could to quite put my finger on, but now I know they are transgender, it explains everything and they are much happier now.
What do I do about my DH? Nothing? Wait for my child to tell him? It’s very hard for me not to just blurt it out! if only for shutting him up.

Jesus wept at the PPs blaming the OP for marrying him in the first place (I assume he wasn't fully displaying these unpleasant behaviours at the beginning of their relationship) or "allowing" him to say these things (yeah, lets make it the woman's fault).

I'm not sure what to advise, OP, it's a difficult situation. Clearly the number one priority is to make sure your DC feel fully loved and supported by at least one of their parents, which is sounds like you've done, so well done. I'm assuming they know that you firmly disagree with him.

Beyond that - obviously you can't change him, and his his deeply unpleasant views aren't your responsibility. What happens if you challenge him in a general way, not specifically in relation to your children? Have you done this, or are you worried it would just escalate things to the point he says something unforgivable?

I don't think you would be unreasonable for looking to end the marriage for this, if that helps. But only you can know what the practicalities of this might look like. One thing to consider is that while you remain living together, you may find that your children are very reluctant to come and visit once they have left home, and you may see a lot less of them as a result, which would be really sad.

This is so not helpful. OP this situation with your dh is just a fragment of what is wrong with you marriage and husband. He doesn’t want to learn, grow, or live with you in a loving way. He is deliuchoosing a stunted life. You can either leave him or be stunted with him and force your children to live inauthentic cramped lives too.

Have you not told him that his comments are offensive?
If not, why not ?

Why though? Who honestly wants to live "in the closet", hiding their true self and pretending to be something they are not. No-one really wants that. Home is meant to be our safe space, a place where you can be your true authentic self. If you can't be yourself in our home, well where can you?

So you have to ask why they don't want their dad to know, deeply consider why they would rather hide themself. If they are in fear of the reaction, then you need to consider if this is a safe and happy home for your child to be in.

I'm amazed you haven't mentioned this before OP. Why haven't you asked him to knock off the comments and that you find them upsetting?

Sorry, I don't believe he's only been like it for the last few years (unless he's had a bang to the head or something).

A logistical question: how would your husband not know that your child is transgender? Do they just present as their biological birth sex?

I agree that it sounds like you should leave. This doesn't sound like a happy life for you.

So you're staying with him not calling him out whilst watching your children suffer?

This is a very good question?

Your husband sounds a complete arsehole I would have to leave him.
Personally I would hate it if one of my children were transgendered though but it's going to be very tricky to navigate with Mr Bigot around.

I've had 4 serious lesbian relationships in my life and I react the same was as your DH to adverts. It is all box ticking. I hate pride, the shop signs adding the rainbow, the diversity hire. It's all bollocks.

I don't really believe the whole trans thing is real either. Especially non binary and all that.

So I don't think he's awful. His views are his own and if your child's offended then leaving the room is the right thing to do.

We can't all have the same opinions on things.

Your poor kids.
I understand your money concerns, but people do cut their parents off for things like this. And if you stay with him, and unless you leave him now while you are working you might find it a lot harder to leave him once you are retired, you might lose your children in your lives. You need to make a choice here. How long has the marriage been bad for? How old are the kids? Please tell me they havnt been listening to this shit for years. Does he do it in front of family/friends?

Do I understand correctly that he knows about neither the bisexual child nor the transgender one? Is the transgender one having to act and dress differently than they would wish in order to hide this from their father?

The few times DH has ever said something I don't agree with, I've spoken to him about it.
Surely you also find these sorts of comments offensive, so why aren't you speaking up? Are you afraid of him?

I wouldn't sit in a room with someone being so openly racist or homophobic without challenging it. You're basically showing your kids that it's okay for people to say things like that without consequence.

Your DH is either a deeply unpleasant person or has been brain washed into thinking this way. I'd be amazed if this behaviour was brand new.

I may be being thick here but how can your DH not have noticed that one of his kids is now identifying as the opposite sex - surely it's pretty obvious?

The fact that you are enthusiastically self abnegating is hardly proof that this fucking guy is ok.

That's not it at all. I'm attracted to women. That's not my personality. That's not my whole life. I don't need a badge to show anyone that. I don't need a march or parade or special treatment. It's 2024, it shouldn't even be an issue. It shouldn't be remarkable at all. It's shouldn't be any different to being straight. But people treat it like some fucking circus and something special. It's not. It's normal and mundane.

Pride is insulting. Diversity plugging is insulting.

@MyMomLovedViolets
Well put

Agree.

Have you always known he was a racist bigot?

But how has he not noticed your child is transgender?

I've unfortunately seen another side to this too.

In two local families where multiple siblings are becoming various parts of the rainbow, it usually is a cry for help.

In one case the parenting has been lax to the point of neglectful. The dc have had unsupervised access to the Internet from a young age, and have clearly been raised by social media and tiktok. The things they say are clearly coming from adults.

As long as there have been people, there has always been gay people. But that is pretty distinct from confused children who are trying to fit into a group, making it their whole identity.

In the other family the first child who came out was given lots of special attention and praise by the mother, who went all in on the pride rainbow badge championing. Unsurprisingly the two other dc who were missing out on all this special attengion started to announce they were LGBT too.

Most gay people I know wouldn't be seen dead at a pride parade (or a 'sparkly fetish march' as one calls it.

To be honest, my dad would have said similar, rudely, about the box ticking and diversity. But he's been nothing but welcoming to his lesbian niece and partner, his bisexual granddaughter and his gay grandson. It's (just!) possible that your DH might be the same -- grumbling about artificially forced diversity but welcoming of it in real life.

This isn’t a healthy family dynamic at all. Keeping secrets from one parent when they still live in the same home is wrong on so many levels.
When your DC told you they were gay, that’s the point where you should have said ‘That’s nice dear - hey hubby, Sam here says they’re gay, isn’t that nice?’
Now it’s become a massive issue and all very hush hush, which is not fair on anyone. If your DH is as bad as you say he is, why on earth are you still with him?

The well being of the ‘transgender’ child / teen is all important . They need help to understand what is going on. They may be or not be transgender.
Your DH Attitude must not prevent them from having counselling and the support of adults around them.

Morning all. Well that’s a lot of responses to get through, I’ll try to answer them now.
Firstly, to those that say that I should “ just leave” my DH, I would think that is your stock answer to most issues posted on here. So I’ll just wait til you’ve got my new home ready, found me a job that pays bills and some left over, and then I’ll leave. I am also pleased that either all your relationships are perfect ( or you’re all single which gives you the luxury of dishing out advice to others without a care in the world ), if they are not, don’t forget, you can always “just leave”.
Also, if you are going to leave comments such as, “ they are probably not really trans”, or similar, don’t bother. This is my child’s life, and they can navigate it how they see fit.
To those of you that offered more constructive advice, Thankyou.
My child was born female, and initially, when this all came out, was non-binary. They are very slightly built, about a size 8, and wear oversized male clothes. There have been no physical changes as yet, but we have chatted about it, and this will be something they consider later on .
They do, however, have a relationship with their dad, recently, they’ve started sea fishing together and they both really enjoy it. They also go on walks together. They are not scared of him at all, they just don’t like his attitude. My other children are older, have already both left home, and have their own family set ups.
As for my DH, I don’t know why he is like he is. I have asked him about his behaviour numerous times and his answer is usually, “ I don’t have a problem with it, I just don’t want it rammed down my throat on the telly”. He comes from a military family, and had a strict upbringing men were men, and women were to be married. I am aware that it doesn’t fit into this modern life we have now, but at the time, it’s just how things were.
For me, it’s the fact that he openly makes the comments. I don’t care what his opinion is of it all, but he could keep the comments to himself.
And, no, he honestly wasn’t always like this. There is a conversation to be had, as I do feel that we are both stuck in a rut with neither one wanting to make the first move. We are both working hard, I have 2 jobs, he does 13/14 hr days away, home for a day or so every few weeks, gets his washing done then he’s off again.
It has been on my mind recently to start looking into what my options might be.
Anyway, that aside, my main concern is my child, and since they told me this news, their confidence has leaped ahead, they are comfortable in themselves, and they are a much more settled, happy person, and we have a fantastic relationship.
I think someone made a comment that if my DC tells him, his attitude may change, this is a good point and something I will chat to my DC about, maybe when they are walking or fishing would be a good time.
Thankyou for all your comments. They are all appreciated.x