Allowing Trans son to go out in "girl mode"

[Nowayhozay]

I say Trans but to be honest I am still not sure that he is, he has always preferred all things typically girly and has always loved to dress in girls clothes.
We as a family have always given him the freedom to express himself, never tried to stop him and have over the years bought the occasional thing that he has asked for, along with hand me downs from his sister he has accumulated a small wardrobe.

He will be 15 in a couple of months and over the last year mainly due to lockdown he has been been spending long periods in "girl mode" 24/7
I have asked him if he ever wishes that he was a girl but he says no and that he is happy being a boy.
Maybe he is somehow in denial?

Anyhow I am really looking for advice or opinions on taking him out whilst dressed as a girl.
He has asked several times and I feel it is really important to him.
Other parents must have dealt with this at some point?

Once restrictions allow I am thinking of driving to a seaside town a few miles away for a walk along the Prom maybe sit in a coffee shop for a while just to see how it goes. See how he feels about it and if it is something he would actually want to do more of.

Am I doing the wrong thing?

What is 'girl mode'?

If he's happy being a boy, I'd just let him crack on with it. As long as he's clear he should be using the men's loos/changing rooms etc.

Eh? I don't get what "girl mode" is.

I wouldn't call him Trans if he's happy being a boy, but likes dressing as a girl.. thats more gender fluid/queer.

Let him be himself, this is more about your feelings than his.

Of course he can go out dressed like a girl! He can wear whatever he feels comfortable in.

Just take your son out in a dress. It's not a big deal. If people "misgender" your son by saying "here's her ice cream" or whatever just shrug it off, or if you're bothered say "my son is a he".

Also, by the way at aged 15 I was pretty much going out by myself to meet my friends all the time? Can't he go out on his own?

Does he spend a lot of time on the internet?

Yes let him. I like the idea of trying somewhere different first so he can try things out before he sees his mates. As the mum of a non binary teenager I'm more than happy for them to explore their identity in this way but have had really serious talks about the dangers of medication, operations and sterilization. Fortunately my teenager absolutely doesn't want to go down the medical route and can enjoy experiencing and experimenting. Good luck OP

Just let him be himself. If he wants to dress in traditionally female clothes, then it won't hurt anyone. Don't make a big issue of it, and I have no doubt he will work out what he is comfortable with.

Gosh this would worry me too OP. I would be very worried that he would get some very negative attention and naturally we want to protect our children from this wherever we can.

I think though you just need to let him lead on this. Suggest the day out and let him feel whatever he feels conformable wearing. Then support that decision.

What is 'girl mode'? Do you mean dressing in dresses/ skirts and wearing make up and jewellery? If so, when I don't do that (most of the time!), am I in 'boy mode'? Not trying to be difficult but I think language is very important here in order to not reinforce stereotypes.

It seems you may have a son who likes to experiment with clothes? Great, let him crack on. And I think an outing to the promenade with you is a great idea - my DD always says that when I am with her, she feels more comfortable to feel brave and try different things.

He sounds more like he's gender fluid/ queer. Or he might simply not gender stereotype clothing/makeup/accessories. Let him experiment safely, be cautious about letting him go out alone in this 'girl mode' as he is at risk of harassment and assault. It's an excellent idea to go for a short trip out with him though.

Alot of people are gender fluid expressive now with their clothing it doesn't make them trans. Just let him go out if he's comfortable the seaside thing sounds nice but if he doesn't want going out dressed as he wants to be a event then don't push it. If he wears a skirt/ dress make sure he wears shorts underneath I'm sick of seeing blokes underwear lol

yes, try not to use girl mode/boy mode.

my 12yo dd isn't fluid/queer and dresses almost exclusively in boys clothes 100% of the time, and no-one bats an eyelid.

He likes 'female' clothes, doesn't want to be a girl. Is he attracted to girls?
He may just like wearing dresses & skirts, not trans or queer.
We all say crack on but the reality may be different in public.

It doesn't mean anything. It's just appearence..

Make sure he understands that just because he's in a dress or whatever "girl mode" he chooses, it doesn't mean he can use women's same-sex spaces. Personal expression and freedom is great. I'd encourage it. With that one caveat.

Obviously the OP is using ‘girl mode’ as a euphemism for ‘dressed in clothes more commonly seen on girls. Ie skirts/dresses and one might also assume make up.

OP I’m not sure how I would feel. I think I would leave it up to him. If he wants you to take him somewhere to see if he ‘passes’ then I guess it would depend on the situation. If it was merely down to the park wearing a pink top I wouldn’t flinch.

Is he possibly gay and in denial?

They are just clothes. My boyfriend when i was 16 wore eyeliner and had longer hair than me. I had a short crop and wore biker boots. We didn’t know we were being “ gender fluid” or “ queer ” we just thought we were expressing our own style? Of course he should wear what he likes, as long as its not too revealing and covers the important bits! Maybe not round the rougher parts of town, but thats just common sense.

This thread is full of nonsense.

He is a male wearing clothes that he wants to wear. Simple.

All these presumptuous names are extremely unhealthy

Is that not cross dressing? (I’m old so not sure if that’s the correct term)

Does he change his behaviour, affect mannerisms or anything like that or does he just want to wear different clothes?

Op my youngest son often wears female clothing in the house and to family events etc. So did my eldest son. Both have claimed to be trans at one point but this was directly linked to the content they were accessing on the internet. Please please please review your internet settings and make sure your son is not accessing digiporn, Sissification, Hentaii etc. I thought I was savvy but I had no idea what my sons were doing on the internet. By the time I discovered it it was sadly too late as the police had come through my door and arrested them both for suspicion of sharing images of a shocking nature. Basically anime porn with teens in it.

It's been 15 months and we are still waiting to find out the outcome after my eldest son admitted to sharing the drawn images he had found on the net- but not knowing they were illegal. He is autistic and says he had no idea they were wrong as they aren't real people. Our lives are in tatters, he has been suicidal in and off for years and it all started at 15 when he found the portal to this awful world. Then he showed his brother. My world will never be the same again and I've got to live every day knowing what my eldest son did and listening to my 17 year old banging on about how trans he is . He isn't trans. The transgender community with teenage boys that "feel" female is a cesspit of immoral filth that would make you want to claw your own eyes out and bleach your brain.

Please, make sure your son isn't accessing this sort of stuff.

I think the fact he is certain about his gender but just wants to explore his expression is kind of wonderful.

I’m of the belief that many youngsters who embark on the trans path are actually just rebelling/exploring how they choose to express themselves. Obviously not all, some genuinely feel as if they’re in the wrong body and go on to have surgery. But certainly for some, declaring themselves as trans but not wishing to have surgery/meds etc seems to be more about exploring societal roles and identity than truly being in the wrong body. It’s almost like punk rock of the past - a rejection of traditional expression and a journey to find something new and revolutionary.

I think supporting your child to dress how they choose without insisting on slapping them with a label or forcing them down a path is exactly the right thing to do. They’ll figure out who they are and how they want to express themselves as they mature.

He is a male wearing clothes that he wants to wear. Simple.

Yup. That.