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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Original poster

Allowing Trans son to go out in "girl mode"

233 replies

Nowayhozay · 30/03/2021 12:10

I say Trans but to be honest I am still not sure that he is, he has always preferred all things typically girly and has always loved to dress in girls clothes.
We as a family have always given him the freedom to express himself, never tried to stop him and have over the years bought the occasional thing that he has asked for, along with hand me downs from his sister he has accumulated a small wardrobe.

He will be 15 in a couple of months and over the last year mainly due to lockdown he has been been spending long periods in "girl mode" 24/7
I have asked him if he ever wishes that he was a girl but he says no and that he is happy being a boy.
Maybe he is somehow in denial?

Anyhow I am really looking for advice or opinions on taking him out whilst dressed as a girl.
He has asked several times and I feel it is really important to him.
Other parents must have dealt with this at some point?

Once restrictions allow I am thinking of driving to a seaside town a few miles away for a walk along the Prom maybe sit in a coffee shop for a while just to see how it goes. See how he feels about it and if it is something he would actually want to do more of.

Am I doing the wrong thing?

OP posts:
pickaxer · 01/04/2021 11:16

"Something like skinny jeans, make up and a pink top would be quite unremarkable to me. That wouldn’t scream fetish, but certain other styles would."

Exactly like how drag queens over exaggerate. Being a women isn't wearing a dress, I love wearing dresses, but I mostly don't as not practical for dog walking, scrambling around in my practice job or playing with my young DC.

If he looks like a boy in a dress then he might get noticed, skinny jeans and a top doubtful.

WallaceinAnderland · 01/04/2021 11:28

OP says he doesn't want to get noticed and his clothes are his sisters' hand-me-downs so I expect they are more jeans and t shirt style. But OP has never clarified this.

pickaxer · 01/04/2021 12:07

I was an indie kid and boys had long hair, wore skinny's and eye liner. I wore trainers, had a short bowl cut and got my clothes from the seventies 😂 I think the point of being teenager isn't dressing like your parents.

It's comments about how the OPs underwear choices made me suggest maybe it more fetish. But OP said it isn't as he's done it from a young age. It's a tricky one, I don't know really, but thing are boys and girls from a young age.

Original poster
Nowayhozay · 01/04/2021 19:35

@toffeebutterpopcorn

I was wondering if this thread 40 years ago would be ‘my son wants to go out in public with a purple Mohican, pin through his nose, kilt and DMs’.

Clothes are clothes - they don’t change your DNA. People will react - in this case some people will make assumptions and (for whatever reason) try to push these.

Girl mode is an odd phrase though. How will he react if someone starts telling insults? ‘Girl’ mode (cry) or ‘boy’ mode (punch them on the nose)?

Girl mode / Boy mode are just descriptive words we use, always have used.

Within our family they are not meant to sexist, hurtful or affirming......
" We are going to Tesco soon, if you want to come you better get in boy mode"

Just a way of acknowledging how he happens to be dressed, nothing more at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nowayhozay · 01/04/2021 19:45

@Branleuse

my teenage dc is female but presents andro/masculine and has done for a few years (ids as NB) Isnt it odd that noone really bats an eye, but really do when its a male kid dressing a bit feminine. Admittedly I dont call it boy mode because its just clothes, but we are still much more threatened by feminine male children, than masculine female ones. In my opinion, if this is just the clothes hes into and hes not trying to say hes a girl or asking you to redefine reality, then his non conformity is fine. He just needs to be able to handle himself and own it. If this is going to be a part of his life, and he wants to dress in this style more and more, he needs to be open with his more accepting friends, because he would probably be safer going out somewhere close to home and in his own community, no?

I think as he gets a bit older and his confidence grows that he will indeed dress in his preferred style when he is with people he can be himself with.
Not necessarily fully dressing or presenting as a girl but more a mix of fashions.
He has a limited window of opportunity to be able to pass as female, in reality probably less than a year,I don't fully understand why anymore than anyone else but this is something he wants to experience and I am happy to help

OP posts:
Original poster
Nowayhozay · 01/04/2021 19:48

@WallaceinAnderland

OP says he doesn't want to get noticed and his clothes are his sisters' hand-me-downs so I expect they are more jeans and t shirt style. But OP has never clarified this.

Yes just the ordinary run of the mill teenage fashion.
Probably more usually in a skirt than jeans although he does wear jeans.

OP posts:
Nowayhozay · 01/04/2021 20:01

This reply has been deleted

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kowari · 01/04/2021 20:07

I don't see how an almost 15 year old boy could be comfortable in women's underwear?

Original poster
Nowayhozay · 01/04/2021 20:19

@kowari

I don't see how an almost 15 year old boy could be comfortable in women's underwear?

Certain styles and cuts work better than others, ironically he prefers boy shorts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nowayhozay · 01/04/2021 22:01

@pickaxer

I was an indie kid and boys had long hair, wore skinny's and eye liner. I wore trainers, had a short bowl cut and got my clothes from the seventies 😂 I think the point of being teenager isn't dressing like your parents.

It's comments about how the OPs underwear choices made me suggest maybe it more fetish. But OP said it isn't as he's done it from a young age. It's a tricky one, I don't know really, but thing are boys and girls from a young age.

I meant he is pushing the boundaries by wearing typically female underwear more often.
Regularly wearing it under his male clothes.
I didn't mean to suggest anything that he wears is inappropriate, it's all very age appropriate.
Sorry if I confused

OP posts:
Millie2008 · 02/04/2021 00:19

@TubeOfSmarties

He has told you clearly that he's happy being a boy.

There is no such thing as "girly" activities. You have let him do whatever he enjoys. Good. Why are you forcing labels on it?

As if he's happy as a boy, he's not dressing "as a girl". He's dressing in clothes which he likes, which happen not to conform to accepted stereotypes for his gender.

Let him do him and stop trying to think for him.

This
SD1978 · 02/04/2021 00:25

As a 15 year old I wore jeans, a tee shirt and a checked shirt. What is it he wants to wear? Most of the girls round here seem to wear shorts or joggers.

GNCQ · 02/04/2021 08:19

O yes! As a teen I regularly dressed as "a lumberjack" wearing I can't remember the name of the brand but they were these thick sand coloured lace up boots, with jeans and a checked soft cotton shirt. How cool was I. I'd forgotten that style!

The trend now is all about "gender bending" etc. There's tons on it on Instagram/Tumblr.

toffeebutterpopcorn · 02/04/2021 09:06

Big country?

pickaxer · 03/04/2021 16:30

"
Probably more usually in a skirt the jeans "

Ahhh ok so he can pass whilst he doesn't have too much facial hair I'm guessing? Are skirts not allowed in Tesco or is this something generally most people are school wouldn't be kind about. That's tough.

Frogartist · 03/04/2021 16:33

@MrsHusky

I wouldn't call him Trans if he's happy being a boy, but likes dressing as a girl.. thats more gender fluid/queer.

Let him be himself, this is more about your feelings than his.

Isn't it just preferrring to wear clothes that are sterotypically female in this time and place?
Original poster
Nowayhozay · 03/04/2021 23:06

@pickaxer

" Probably more usually in a skirt the jeans "

Ahhh ok so he can pass whilst he doesn't have too much facial hair I'm guessing? Are skirts not allowed in Tesco or is this something generally most people are school wouldn't be kind about. That's tough.

Yes, facial hair as well as height and build.
I'm sure it wont be long before he couldn't possibly be taken for female.

As I said I just feel it would be more relaxing and less of a worry a bit further from home.

I hope when he is a little older he will be able to be more open with his with his friends, I think in general they would be fine but as we all know school can be a cruel place.

OP posts:
Imasoulman · 06/04/2021 10:19

I think you doing exactly the right thing.

Sounds like you have done a great job letting him grow up and be himself.

It's a much more tolerant world for our youth these days and I am sure he will have plenty supportive friends if and when he chooses to dress more openly.

In the meantime helping him to get out and enjoy the experience whilst he truly can pass is a wonderful thing to do.
Whatever his future holds any trips like this will give him wonderful memories instead of regrets.

Original poster
Nowayhozay · 07/04/2021 13:32

For those who took an interest, there has been a development.

My sister invited us all round for a coffee tomorrow weather dependant of course, she suggested that my DS could make this his first trip out.
If he is comfortable there is a park that we could walk to.

Although she is used to him cross dressing she has never actually seen him try to present as female in the way he has lately so her opinion will be valuable.

OP posts:
JustDanceAddict · 07/04/2021 13:37

Hope that goes well ^ great idea!

Saltyslug · 07/04/2021 13:47

By boy and girl mode you mean girl and boy stereotypes? It’s quite bizarre thing to label behaviour according to sex stereotypes. My own children don’t adhere to traditional stereotypes and I would never consider telling my daughter that she is behaving like a boy or tell my son he is behaving like a girl. I want my children to be authentic and unlimited by preconceived stereotypes.

Saltyslug · 07/04/2021 13:50

Personally I’d let him take the lead and not suggest anything.

Original poster
Nowayhozay · 07/04/2021 14:00

@Saltyslug

By boy and girl mode you mean girl and boy stereotypes? It’s quite bizarre thing to label behaviour according to sex stereotypes. My own children don’t adhere to traditional stereotypes and I would never consider telling my daughter that she is behaving like a boy or tell my son he is behaving like a girl. I want my children to be authentic and unlimited by preconceived stereotypes.

I dont think my son could be anymore unlimited by stereotypes !
He is exactly who he wants to be

OP posts:
Original poster
Nowayhozay · 07/04/2021 14:02

@Saltyslug

Personally I’d let him take the lead and not suggest anything.

I agree with that, this is something he wants to experience and has asked for help with.
Just trying to find safe ways for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nowayhozay · 07/04/2021 14:03

@JustDanceAddict

Hope that goes well ^ great idea!
Thank you
OP posts: