Allowing Trans son to go out in "girl mode"

[Nowayhozay]

I say Trans but to be honest I am still not sure that he is, he has always preferred all things typically girly and has always loved to dress in girls clothes.
We as a family have always given him the freedom to express himself, never tried to stop him and have over the years bought the occasional thing that he has asked for, along with hand me downs from his sister he has accumulated a small wardrobe.

He will be 15 in a couple of months and over the last year mainly due to lockdown he has been been spending long periods in "girl mode" 24/7
I have asked him if he ever wishes that he was a girl but he says no and that he is happy being a boy.
Maybe he is somehow in denial?

Anyhow I am really looking for advice or opinions on taking him out whilst dressed as a girl.
He has asked several times and I feel it is really important to him.
Other parents must have dealt with this at some point?

Once restrictions allow I am thinking of driving to a seaside town a few miles away for a walk along the Prom maybe sit in a coffee shop for a while just to see how it goes. See how he feels about it and if it is something he would actually want to do more of.

Am I doing the wrong thing?

He's a boy who is happy in his boyhood and enjoys wearing feminine style clothing. Who cares?

There was a time when some of my male friends wore women's skinny jeans because they fit tighter, dyed their hair and wore eye makeup and nail varnish. They weren't trans, or a girl, they were boys dressing how they wanted to in their subculture.

Thank you everyone for your comments and opinions, I am sorry if I appear rude by not answering every comment as they were posted. I am a busy working single mum to two teens. As I said its not my intention to be rude here.

Probably easier now to answer some of your questions and points here.

Several of you seem to object to "girl or boy mode" well our family were using these phrases long before Eddie Izzard ever did! My son spends time dressed and behaving like a boy and also time dressed and behaving as a girl hence the different modes, I can not see why that is a complicated concept or would offend anyone.

The last thing I want to do is give him a label or push him down any particular path.
I get tired of the constant nit picking over what I should label him or describe him as, oh your using the wrong name or label...... Least of my worries to be honest.

Maybe this is just crossdressing more than anything deeper. But still this is going to be a part of who he is for ever and I feel hat as he goes through life he will need support with this at certain stages and this is one of those milestones.
I did say that although I used "Trans" I am not sure and not convinced that it applies to him.

Yes I am bloody confused and uncertain of my actions in the past and now.

Yes he has friends and yes is able to meet with them, but I would not be happy if he was going out in girl mode on his own, I honestly don't think that he would at the moment.

He has always had a preference for girls clothes, and would spend the odd day or even a few hours in the evening dressed in something.
Over lockdown he was dressing a lot more, days on end. I even posted on here for advice as I was worried about him adjusting back to normal life.
He still spends a lot more time in girl mode than he ever did, and has been pushing boundaries when he has to be in boy mode, underwear choices etc.

The main reason to chose a town further away is really just to minimise the risk of meeting anyone we know, it would just be nice to enjoy the experience without having to explain or risk him feeling uncomfortable.

I have no worries at all about him "passing" there is absolutely no way that you would think he was anything other than just another teenage girl, he wouldn't want to stand out but just blend in with everyone else.

I don't think we need to worry about changing rooms for his trip out but if he needs a wee I have to agree with another poster that the Ladies would be the safest and best option.
Remember his sister and I will be with him all the time.

This isn't about a boy putting on a dress for a walk, he will be presenting as a girl, that's what he wants to experience, just to be out and about without a care.

As I said thank you all for your comments, but particularly the more encouraging ones, you are helping my confidence and in turn his.

Taskmaster last night had Noel Fielding in high heels, and Joe Lycett in nail varnish, it felt like a flashback to my youth when people (male people in particular) could wear clothes without it having to mean they had to sign up to anything. It seems more acceptable for women to wear whatever they fancy and to change that from day to day.
Thinking back to being 15 we pretty much wore whatever, but our parents had limits. My brother had a t shirt with swearing on that my dad made him take back. I lived in a German army shirt and also volunteered at the old folks home, my mum had a gentle word the day I was unthinkingly going to combine the two. I didn't have time to change so put a jumper on! I don't see an issue, OP, just go where you go while he's wearing what he wears.

He’ll be fine. People will stare at least, be rude /aggressive at worst if he knows this. With regards to loos - sorry but it’s the men’s for him, not the ladies. It’s not fair on women and girls of he uses them just because he is ‘dressed as’ female and doesn’t want grows from other males.

Grows - aggro

also time dressed and behaving as a girl

How does he behave like a girl @Nowayhozay

Can you explain what 'behaving like a girl' means?

And yes, mens toilets for him, wearing a dress and 'behaving like a girl' doesn't take away the right of females to have single sex spaces.

‘Behaving like a girl’ that would have been an insult when I was a kid.

I definitely wouldn’t encourage him to use the women’s toilets.

It’s not about what he wants. It’s about the right of women and girls not to have men - even young adult men - in their toilets.

Gosh I have no idea if I've 'behaved like a girl' today. I'm wearing jeans and I kicked a football around with the kids. I hope I'm not secretly trans.

I wouldn't refer to it as cross dressing OP. That has negative connotations.

Let him wear want he wants. He's saying something about himself, whatever it is. It's likely a teenage phase and if he's prepared to put up with the potential negative reactions leave him to it.

I wish we could go back to the '80s where there were loads of GNC role models of both sexes and no one doubted what 'gender' they were.

@WallaceinAnderland

also time dressed and behaving as a girl

How does he behave like a girl @Nowayhozay

The way he moves and his mannerisms change, they always have done even as a child I could notice it but its more obvious now. He will experiment with hair and make up, I actually think his personality changes when he dresses for a long time but perhaps that's just me.

There are differences in the way boys and girls behave, sorry if you don't agree

My son at 15 wanted to wear dresses to a few events. I am afraid I did tell him that in an ideal world that would be fine, but that he needed to be aware that his peers would comment and they would take the Mickey and he needed to be prepared to handle that. This might be fine for a confident, self assured NT extravert teen, but I did feel my anxious, socially awkward, shy autistic teen would draw down the sorts of social reactions he wouldn't then manage. We talked through a compromise and he wore a flamboyant shirt bought from a gender neutral store, and discreet makeup. He won best shirt and got lots of positive feedback from cooler peers so it worked out well.

Of course anyone "should" be able to wear what they want; but teens are notorious for their social conservatism in terms of "in groups" and "out groups" so I would be having that discussion frankly with him to check he us aware and confident enough to still go ahead.
Funnily enough I think they'd be more accepting of someone who "declares" a trans identity and adopts cross sex clothing than of someone who wants to wear 'female' clothing but declares themselves male.

@legalseagull

Gosh I have no idea if I've 'behaved like a girl' today. I'm wearing jeans and I kicked a football around with the kids. I hope I'm not secretly trans.

Please don't turn this into a joke Fine if you don't understand but please do not belittle my child

I have no worries at all about him "passing" there is absolutely no way that you would think he was anything other than just another teenage girl, he wouldn't want to stand out but just blend in with everyone else

Errr he's 15, his voice has broken I assume? He's showing signs of facial hair growth?

It's not about "passing" meaning falsely coming across as the opposite sex, it's about freedom of expression. It's fine to dress how you want. It's not fine to pretend to be something you are not.

Don’t call your child trans if they’re not trans

Oh come on its not belittling to ask how you act like a girl or a boy? Ive got kids of both sexes and whilst they have different personalities they've all had their nails painted and all had play fights.

Gender stereotypes are regressive and unhelpful to men and women, OP. That's why you're getting push back for referring to certain behaviours or clothes as girls'.

The stereotypes are clearly deeply engrained for your son, hence the change in behaviour that accompanies the clothes.

I'm willing to bet he'll turn out to be gay. In the current climate it's easier to be non-specifically 'queer' than gay.

please do not let your son use women’s only spaces. Whether or not he is in “girl mode” he is still a male and should use the correct sexed space. Dress or not.

I wore trainers, jeans and a t shirt today. I dug a hole in the ground and I swore. Was I in boy mode? My vulva and I used the women’s facilities.

These stereo types are limiting and facile. They make a mockery of hard one women’s rights. And we will not give them up.

You sound like a lovely mum. But FGS do not sweep aside the real and protect rights of women.

@PferdeMerde

Don’t call your child trans if they’re not trans

Cross dressing comes under the Stonewall trans umbrella.

www.stonewall.org.uk/help-advice/faqs-and-glossary/glossary-terms

T

TRANS

An umbrella term to describe people whose gender is not the same as, or does not sit comfortably with, the sex they were assigned at birth.
Trans people may describe themselves using one or more of a wide variety of terms, including (but not limited to) transgender, transsexual, gender-queer (GQ), gender-fluid, non-binary, gender-variant, crossdresser, genderless, agender, nongender, third gender, two-spirit, bi-gender, trans man, trans woman,trans masculine, trans feminine and neutrois.

He will experiment with hair and make up, I actually think his personality changes when he dresses for a long time but perhaps that's just me.

Yes, I think it’s just you.

He’s 15 - you really need to step back and let him be himself. You seem over-invested.

Another person here uncomfortable with the notion of 'behaving as a girl'.
I would support his desire to wear whatever he wants, do his hair however, wear makeup if he wants to, and do all this as a boy.

It sounds like he adopts ‘feminine’ mannerisms when he is wearing clothes traditionally targeted at girls or women. Although the word ‘feminine’ is obviously derived from the word ‘female’, they do not always have to go together. Many women reject the idea of femininity. Some men embrace it. It is a style of dressing/behaviour/speech and mannerisms available to anyone, regardless of their sex.

Women’s facilities are for females. Not for all people who look or feel ‘feminine’.

OP thank you for explaining. I know this is difficult but if you remove the stereotypes, it's really hard to say how one behaves like a girl.

All children are different, not just girls and boys. Girls are different to other girls. Boys are different to other boys. We need to accept these differences without using stereotypes.

What you are describing in your son sounds like drag. He enjoys 'wearing the costume' of how he perceives femininity. But that doesn't make him a girl. And no, he should not be using female only spaces.

Gosh, what exactly are female mannerisms? I don't think I'm doing any of those, despite being female for 47 years.