Allowing Trans son to go out in "girl mode"

[Nowayhozay]

I say Trans but to be honest I am still not sure that he is, he has always preferred all things typically girly and has always loved to dress in girls clothes.
We as a family have always given him the freedom to express himself, never tried to stop him and have over the years bought the occasional thing that he has asked for, along with hand me downs from his sister he has accumulated a small wardrobe.

He will be 15 in a couple of months and over the last year mainly due to lockdown he has been been spending long periods in "girl mode" 24/7
I have asked him if he ever wishes that he was a girl but he says no and that he is happy being a boy.
Maybe he is somehow in denial?

Anyhow I am really looking for advice or opinions on taking him out whilst dressed as a girl.
He has asked several times and I feel it is really important to him.
Other parents must have dealt with this at some point?

Once restrictions allow I am thinking of driving to a seaside town a few miles away for a walk along the Prom maybe sit in a coffee shop for a while just to see how it goes. See how he feels about it and if it is something he would actually want to do more of.

Am I doing the wrong thing?

Assuming this is true, I’ll bite.

What exactly do you think he’s in denial about?

Why can’t he be a man who wears dresses? What’s wrong with that?

@Veterinari

Is he possibly gay and in denial?

I am unsure what being gay and wearing “girls” clothes have to do with each other?

He's not trans
I suggest that you talk to him about the difference between being a boy dressing feminine and a boy trying to appear to be a girl. The first is cool and can look great, if he's strong enough to withstand the odd comment. The second is completely different and brings a whole load of other issues.

Him going out in feminine clothes at 15 wouldn't be an issue to me - at that age, I'd expect him to know what the likely consequences are and your plan sounds fine.

Does he or you as a family use "girl mode" or are you just using that as shorthand for the feminine attire? I get the appeal of a - mode shorthand when there is obvious switching, but if being used, I'd go with feminine rather than girl, a description rather than an identity.

It's natural to wonder if he's "in denial" but really, I'd do your best to put that aside. Guys can enjoy being feminine just as many women women being what is socially perceived of as masculine. It's not automatically an identity or a dysphoria issue. If he's not expressing any distress at being perceived as a boy or his body, then it's just something he likes (though I agree with the pp about checking his internet - there is a whole mess of horrific internet things that become connected to feminine males and there are adults that prey on boys like this).

@MazekeenSmith

He's not trans I suggest that you talk to him about the difference between being a boy dressing feminine and a boy trying to appear to be a girl. The first is cool and can look great, if he's strong enough to withstand the odd comment. The second is completely different and brings a whole load of other issues.

I'd suggest he talks to her as she seems to have no idea!

Check out with him what he would be comfortable with - tea with granny /local town /further away town. What's been stopping him so far? I worry that by suggesting a town away you will signal that it's embarrassing or shameful. But it would be worth exploring how to deal with misgendering or questions or unwanted attention.

I'm female and I'm never in 'girl mode' as you call it OP. I think it's a really bad phrase to use as if you mean clothes and hairstyles, you are reinforcing harmful stereotypes. You might come back to explain a bit more about what you mean. I don't know if he affects stereotypical 'girlish' mannerisms when he is wearing those clothes. If he does I would say that's pretty offensive too.

Why do you think he's trans if he's happy being a boy?
He can wear what he wants.

What’s girl mode?

Sipping Prosecco and cooooing over kittens?

If he wants to wear a frock tell him to wear a frock. It really is as simple as that!

I guess it depends on what he wants to wear. Pink T-shirt with skinny jeans, no issues. Teen fashion is diverse. Full on dress with heels then I think you need to discuss with him that some people will give me some negative attention because of stereotyping. Does he want the attention do you think? Can he handle it?

I think a PP comment about is he gay is valid, some gay men like very effeminate gay men.

It doesn't sound like he is trans OP if he is happy as a boy. He is just a boy who likes feminine things and dress. That doesn't make him a girl--- I don't wear pink or play with dolls or wear lipstick but I'm still a woman.

I would let him go out dressed how he wants. He's going to do it at some point. He might get some negative attention but he'll have to learn to deal with that/negotiate that if he is going to wear feminine things, sadly.

Does he have friends who would support him, he could go out with them? Or your idea of a trip out could be good too.

I had some brilliant male friends at school age who would wear dresses etc, although none are trans, some are gay, some straight. Good on your lad, I hope it goes well.

So he likes ‘feminine’ clothing/appearance? Doesn’t mean he is a girl or trans, just let him be himself without attaching a label

He has told you clearly that he's happy being a boy.

There is no such thing as "girly" activities. You have let him do whatever he enjoys. Good. Why are you forcing labels on it?

As if he's happy as a boy, he's not dressing "as a girl". He's dressing in clothes which he likes, which happen not to conform to accepted stereotypes for his gender.

Let him do him and stop trying to think for him.

But the OP doesn’t want to ‘let’ him go out in girl clothes, she wants to take him out in girl clothes and see how he feels about it. He’s already said he’s happy being a boy and he’s more than capable of choosing what he wears when he goes out, so leave him to it.

There is no such thing as 'girl mode'

@ChiefBabySniffer

I'm so sorry, what a nightmare.
Thanks for sharing, all parents of tweens and teenagers need to know these things are happening...

I would like to know what the clothes are too. What's the fashion for 15 year old girls at the moment, is it still ripped jeans?

Teens will always wear the latest fashion and often look ridiculous to older generations. Teddy boys, mods and rockers, punks, goths, pants on the ground - they have all had their day. It's a rite of passage and for many this will be the same I expect.

Let him wear what he wants

I think some people are being deliberately goady here

There is the ideal way the world should be and then there is real life

I can’t imagine a young lad going out dressed as a girl around here and not getting verbal abuse from some other kids . It’s not right no but I can see why op is nervous about doing the right thing for her son

I say this as someone who dresses incredibly “ boyish “ and always have but it’s always been more acceptable this way round

Stop asking him if he 'wants to be a girl'. That's got nothing to do with liking clothes and stereotypically girly things. He's just breaking stereotypes without losing touch with reality. Sounds like a cool kid to me.

Girl Mode/Boy Mode are phrases used by Eddie Izzard. Considering how knowledgeable people tend to be on here about gender issues, the OP probably assumed that most people would know what she meant.

The others are right OP. It's just clothing. Id describe your son as more gender fluid than trans but it's up to your son to decide his label. He might get negative attention but that could happen if he was in jeans and a t-shirt too. I understand that you worry that people will be mean but if that happens, your son will need your support There are many sad stories where adults have described what it's like to be in the closet or in denial about being gay. I'm not saying that your son is gay but it's going to take an emotional toll on him if he suppresses who he is.

It wasn't always acceptable for women to wear 'boyish' clothes though @Changemaname1

Women had to fight very hard to establish the right to wear what they want. I can see it becoming very acceptable for boys to wear what they want too.

It depends where your son wants to go. If he is obviously a boy dressed as a girl he will be extremely vulnerable.

I'd let him .

Teenagers have always pushed the boundaries of social conformity to "acceptable clothes and appearance". Decades ago he'd have been a Goth or a teddy boy or a Ziggy Stardust wannabee or a punk. Usually showing their rebellious non-conformity by going round in a group of kids looking just the same as them.

He can wear what he liked as long as he does realise that there is the risk of verbal abuse...

Last time I was over at the art school I saw a few men is floaty skirts. No one batted an eyelid. I looked like Oor Wullie (as usual).