Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Original poster

Allowing Trans son to go out in "girl mode"

233 replies

Nowayhozay · 30/03/2021 12:10

I say Trans but to be honest I am still not sure that he is, he has always preferred all things typically girly and has always loved to dress in girls clothes.
We as a family have always given him the freedom to express himself, never tried to stop him and have over the years bought the occasional thing that he has asked for, along with hand me downs from his sister he has accumulated a small wardrobe.

He will be 15 in a couple of months and over the last year mainly due to lockdown he has been been spending long periods in "girl mode" 24/7
I have asked him if he ever wishes that he was a girl but he says no and that he is happy being a boy.
Maybe he is somehow in denial?

Anyhow I am really looking for advice or opinions on taking him out whilst dressed as a girl.
He has asked several times and I feel it is really important to him.
Other parents must have dealt with this at some point?

Once restrictions allow I am thinking of driving to a seaside town a few miles away for a walk along the Prom maybe sit in a coffee shop for a while just to see how it goes. See how he feels about it and if it is something he would actually want to do more of.

Am I doing the wrong thing?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 30/03/2021 17:57

Everyone denying there are such things as "female mannerisms" do you also think things like "man spreading" don't exist?

WallaceinAnderland · 30/03/2021 18:00

Man spreading is mostly because of balls isn't it?

ThatsShitTryHarder · 30/03/2021 18:00

@SoupDragon

Everyone denying there are such things as "female mannerisms" do you also think things like "man spreading" don't exist?
Man/spreading is so-called because it’s a man spreading his legs to invade the space of the person sitting next to him. It describes what’s being done and who’s doing it.

If it was a woman doing it it wouldn’t be called man-spreading.

Notagain20 · 30/03/2021 18:07

Please look up autogynephilia and, as a previous poster said, check up what types of porn he might be looking at. It might be that he is into sissification etc and that can lead into some places that are a safeguarding nightmare.

SoupDragon · 30/03/2021 18:15

Man/spreading is so-called because it’s a man spreading his legs to invade the space of the person sitting next to him. It describes what’s being done and who’s doing it.

The point is that it is a male mannerism. Women don't do it.

Of course there are stereotypical male and female mannerisms.

LostInTime · 30/03/2021 18:17

Soupy- my DD has the identical gait to my DH. It's not masculine or feminine, it's just the way they walk. Manspreading isn't a mannerism, it's a power play, isn't it?

Original poster
Nowayhozay · 30/03/2021 18:18

@GNCQ

I have no worries at all about him "passing" there is absolutely no way that you would think he was anything other than just another teenage girl, he wouldn't want to stand out but just blend in with everyone else

Errr he's 15, his voice has broken I assume? He's showing signs of facial hair growth?

It's not about "passing" meaning falsely coming across as the opposite sex, it's about freedom of expression. It's fine to dress how you want. It's not fine to pretend to be something you are not.

He is 14 and there is no sign of 5 0'clock shadow just yet. If he is with his family I'm sure his voice will not be a problem. He is not pretending to be something he is not, he is trying to be himself!
OP posts:
waterlego · 30/03/2021 18:18

Everyone denying there are such things as "female mannerisms" do you also think things like "man spreading" don't exist?

I call them feminine and masculine mannerisms because they aren’t necessarily tied to a person’s sex.

Sometime my ILs scold me for whistling because it’s not ‘feminine’. I have never given the impression that I want or need to be seen as ‘feminine’ but for some reason (their generation and upbringing presumably) they assume that all women want to be feminine. Basically, I just want to move through the world in the way that comes naturally to me; some of which would be described as feminine, some masculine and some neutral.

SoupDragon · 30/03/2021 18:19

Obviously I don't go around thinking "oooh, I'm displaying female mannerisms" but I bet there are tell tale signs. Mostly through societal reasons.

TillyTopper · 30/03/2021 18:21

Yes, I think he should be going out in girl mode if that's how he feels comfortable.

Original poster
Nowayhozay · 30/03/2021 18:22

@multiplemum3

Oh come on its not belittling to ask how you act like a girl or a boy? Ive got kids of both sexes and whilst they have different personalities they've all had their nails painted and all had play fights.
The poster didn't ask a question, just made a statement in a vain attempt at humour at my child's expense
OP posts:
multiplemum3 · 30/03/2021 18:22

If he's just trying to be himself then why does he want to pass for a girl? I think it's great you're supporting him in what makes him happy but he should not be in the ladies toilets and wearing a wig and dress doesn't make him a girl.

WallaceinAnderland · 30/03/2021 18:23

The point is that it is a male mannerism. Women don't do it.

Girls do it. They are taught not to though, so by the time they become women they don't do it any more.

The times I've heard 'knees together girls' in primary school are plentiful. No-one says it to the boys.

Original poster
Nowayhozay · 30/03/2021 18:24

@ThatsShitTryHarder

He will experiment with hair and make up, I actually think his personality changes when he dresses for a long time but perhaps that's just me.

Yes, I think it’s just you.

He’s 15 - you really need to step back and let him be himself. You seem over-invested.

He is 14
OP posts:
LangClegsInSpace · 30/03/2021 18:25

Several of you seem to object to "girl or boy mode" well our family were using these phrases long before Eddie Izzard ever did! My son spends time dressed and behaving like a boy and also time dressed and behaving as a girl hence the different modes, I can not see why that is a complicated concept or would offend anyone.

Because it's outrageously sexist?

But still this is going to be a part of who he is for ever

That's a huge assumption, he's only 14.

Notagain20 · 30/03/2021 18:26

If he's a boy who enjoys wearing girls clothes then he shouldn't be using women's toilets etc, althoughi can understand your fears about hostility from other men. But that's something he has to learn to navigate, and it may mean that there are limits to his ability to express himself - until toxic male norms are dismantled that is! In the mean time, women and girls should not be expected to give up their right to exclude men and boys from their private spaces.

I'm sorry OP, I'm sure you just want him to be safe and happy and able to express himself.Sadly until men sort their aggressive policing of masculinity out, he is going to have to limit his expression or accept the risk.

LangClegsInSpace · 30/03/2021 18:27

He is not pretending to be something he is not, he is trying to be himself!

Up until the point where you take him in the women's toilet and decide it's OK because he 'passes'.

Original poster
Nowayhozay · 30/03/2021 18:29

@multiplemum3

If he's just trying to be himself then why does he want to pass for a girl? I think it's great you're supporting him in what makes him happy but he should not be in the ladies toilets and wearing a wig and dress doesn't make him a girl.
Because he is young, discovering himself, because he wants to experiment and experience things while he can. He doesn't have a wig !!
OP posts:
NeedsImprovement01 · 30/03/2021 18:29

OP you clearly strongly believe in gender stereotypes and that gendered behaviour is what divides society not sex. A lot of people on these boards do not believe this, so you will not get the support here you are looking for and you will get a lot of resistance suggesting that toilets etc. should be gender identity segregated rather than by sex.

Please though consider if your perspective could end up influencing your son to believe he is "in the wrong body" rather than accepting he is who he is and likes what he likes.

Notagain20 · 30/03/2021 18:34

Young and discovering ourselves is great, being a boy in women only spaces is harassment and not OK! If he wants to experiment with his appearance that's cool, it's lovely that you want to support him, but you would be negligent if you allow him to think that it's cool and groovy to disrespect women's spaces, or not understand why they are important, or why it's men who need to be changing their behaviour to accept more versions of maleness

LangClegsInSpace · 30/03/2021 18:35

He still spends a lot more time in girl mode than he ever did, and has been pushing boundaries when he has to be in boy mode, underwear choices etc.

I agree with a PP - check his internet history.

Abraxan · 30/03/2021 18:36

I don't think we need to worry about changing rooms for his trip out but if he needs a wee I have to agree with another poster that the Ladies would be the safest and best option.

Which is the best option for other woman and girls wanting to use a 'ladies' facility? They may well prefer the 'ladies' to not have a male in the toilets, regardless of how they are dressed.

Random789 · 30/03/2021 18:38

"pushing boundaries when he has to be in boy mode, underwear choices etc"

Just wondering how you know this much about his underwear choices. Surely this is something where a 14 year old has some privacy?

ThatsShitTryHarder · 30/03/2021 18:38

He is 14

It really is a minor thing to pick out from my post, when you yourself described him as “15 in a couple of months”.

Nonetheless you are over-invested in this aspect of his personality and you need to step back and allow him to find his own path.

Original poster
Nowayhozay · 30/03/2021 18:39

@NeedsImprovement01

OP you clearly strongly believe in gender stereotypes and that gendered behaviour is what divides society not sex. A lot of people on these boards do not believe this, so you will not get the support here you are looking for and you will get a lot of resistance suggesting that toilets etc. should be gender identity segregated rather than by sex.

Please though consider if your perspective could end up influencing your son to believe he is "in the wrong body" rather than accepting he is who he is and likes what he likes.

Thank you. I realise now that I am looking for support in the wrong place. I understand that we all have different opinions and beliefs but I didn't expect to be attacked after posting on the LGBT Children board. Obviously not a safe space after all. Thank you again for not being dismissive though
OP posts: