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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Original poster

Allowing Trans son to go out in "girl mode"

233 replies

Nowayhozay · 30/03/2021 12:10

I say Trans but to be honest I am still not sure that he is, he has always preferred all things typically girly and has always loved to dress in girls clothes.
We as a family have always given him the freedom to express himself, never tried to stop him and have over the years bought the occasional thing that he has asked for, along with hand me downs from his sister he has accumulated a small wardrobe.

He will be 15 in a couple of months and over the last year mainly due to lockdown he has been been spending long periods in "girl mode" 24/7
I have asked him if he ever wishes that he was a girl but he says no and that he is happy being a boy.
Maybe he is somehow in denial?

Anyhow I am really looking for advice or opinions on taking him out whilst dressed as a girl.
He has asked several times and I feel it is really important to him.
Other parents must have dealt with this at some point?

Once restrictions allow I am thinking of driving to a seaside town a few miles away for a walk along the Prom maybe sit in a coffee shop for a while just to see how it goes. See how he feels about it and if it is something he would actually want to do more of.

Am I doing the wrong thing?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 30/03/2021 14:34

He isn't in denial, he seems like a well balanced individual who is confident in who he is. Listen to him and what he wants to do, don't force an agenda onto him.

lunar1 · 30/03/2021 14:35

I'd let him wear whatever he likes as long as it's appropriate for the occasion, ie. no hot pants for school.

It's really sad that boys and men can't wear what they want without so many labels. It's one of the very few advantages women have over men, we can generally wear whatever without people questioning our identity.

GNCQ · 30/03/2021 14:36

@jessstan2

It depends where your son wants to go. If he is obviously a boy dressed as a girl he will be extremely vulnerable.
Gender ideology myth number 7.

He might get some comments. No need for the hyperbole.

Any normally dressed teenaged girl will get comments anyway.

Difference being, a teenaged boy will have the physical ability to kick the crap out of someone who crosses a line. A teenaged girl won't have that physical ability. So he'll in fact be far less vulnerable than a girl.

OP your boy will be fine.

WallaceinAnderland · 30/03/2021 14:37

Off topic but I never understand why people start threads when they don't have the time to engage with posters on said thread. It always come across a bit bad mannered to me Grin

SoupDragon · 30/03/2021 14:37

a teenaged boy will have the physical ability to kick the crap out of someone who crosses a line

Ridiculous generalisation.

SeasonFinale · 30/03/2021 14:39

I think you mean trans daughter rather than trans son?

WallaceinAnderland · 30/03/2021 14:40

I have asked him if he ever wishes that he was a girl but he says no and that he is happy being a boy.

jessstan2 · 30/03/2021 14:44

You may be right, GNCQ, I have no personal experience. Perhaps I watch too much crime TV :-).

I am glad the op is cool with her boy dressing as a girl.

jessstan2 · 30/03/2021 14:45

@SeasonFinale

I think you mean trans daughter rather than trans son?
He's not trans at the moment, just wants to wear girls' clothes.
SavoyCabbage · 30/03/2021 14:55

I wouldn't mention it. I've got two teenages and I hardly ever talk to them about what they are wearing. It's practically the job of a teenager to wear stuff their parents don't like.

Pre-lockdown I'd take them shopping if they needed new clothes or get them to send me links. I'll say 'you look good today, are those your new jeans' or whatever but that's as far as it goes. They don't need my opinion.

Soontobe60 · 30/03/2021 15:00

What do you think he’s in denial about? He wants to wear dresses, he’s a boy. Leave him to it. Don’t be quick to label him.

LaBellina · 30/03/2021 15:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quaagars · 30/03/2021 15:12

Off topic but I never understand why people start threads when they don't have the time to engage with posters on said thread. It always come across a bit bad mannered to me

Also known as bitch plopping lol
Poke the nest and run away Grin

1, why in denial? If has said is happy being a boy, why would you not believe? Unless you think is hiding from you as not sure how you'd react if said anything else otherwise?

2 - Yes, it'd be trans daughter not son if was trans, you sound as if you're confused lol, I know I am just trying to make sense of what you're trying to say Grin

SSW101 · 30/03/2021 15:14

This is where I struggle with the concept of telling vulnerable lads never to use women's toilets (as previous posters suggested). It should of course be totally acceptable for a young man to wear whatever he wants but as other posters have said feminine clothes makes them vulnerable to predatory men. Personally I think they would be safer from these men if they quickly use the women's loos. I swear that 5 to 10 years ago I wouldn't have batted an eye if I saw a teenage lad in a dress/skirt/make up nipping to the women's loo in a public area. I would immediately have thought that it was an area where they felt safer and it wasn't doing any harm. I understand the importance of women's only spaces and the heightened rhetoric about it in recent years, but I don't think anybody wants vulnerable young lads who want to express themselves through clothing to be put in any added danger

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 30/03/2021 15:21

Your son is not trans nor is he in ‘girl mode’. Fashion is a form of free speech.

sleepyhead · 30/03/2021 15:21

So tricky. There's nothing wrong with wearing whatever you like, but it's also true that we live in a world where looking different attracts attention (both positive, roughly neutral and negative).

Some people absolutely relish this, hold their heads up high and own their world. Other people don't like drawing attention to themselves and so may modify how the look to fit in to the norm.

A middling height, androgynous teen boy wearing a standard dress, jacket and shoes may get the odd glance, unlikely to get much positive/negative attention.

A tall, large, more overtly masculine looking boy wearing bright colours, a magenta boa, makeup, killer heels is likely to get more attention - positive and negative.

The same would be true for a female to an extent although stereotypes give her a lot more leeway in terms of what's considered "correct".

What's his aim here?

To go out and about his business wearing the clothes he feels comfortable in? Why on earth not? Don't see why you have to be with him.

To launch himself on the world and say "look at me! I am fabulous" Again, why not but he needs to understand about positive and negative attention, be mentally strong enough to cope with the negative stuff, and there may be contexts (e.g. big, cosmopolitan city) where it will work better than others.

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 30/03/2021 15:21

He’s fifteen. He can (and should) dress and act as he likes. You can guide him and advise him but you can’t stop or allow something like this.

He needs to make his own journey and explore who or what he is on his own. Be passive in everything and give no opinion either way.

If it’s a phase he will outgrow it, if it isn’t then he will know you love him regardless.

ThatsShitTryHarder · 30/03/2021 15:29

He’s 15 - surely if he thinks people might take the piss, it would be even worse if he’s with his mum?

Let him go out where and when he wants to and just support him to be himself.

GNCQ · 30/03/2021 16:24

@SSW101

This is where I struggle with the concept of telling vulnerable lads never to use women's toilets (as previous posters suggested). It should of course be totally acceptable for a young man to wear whatever he wants but as other posters have said feminine clothes makes them vulnerable to predatory men. Personally I think they would be safer from these men if they quickly use the women's loos. I swear that 5 to 10 years ago I wouldn't have batted an eye if I saw a teenage lad in a dress/skirt/make up nipping to the women's loo in a public area. I would immediately have thought that it was an area where they felt safer and it wasn't doing any harm. I understand the importance of women's only spaces and the heightened rhetoric about it in recent years, but I don't think anybody wants vulnerable young lads who want to express themselves through clothing to be put in any added danger
Oh give over.

So you're happy to let teenaged boys into the girls loos and changing areas just because of how they dress? Really?

That makes girls and women more vulnerable seeing as they're now in a mixed sex area when they're semi naked and enclosed.

Why is OP's son suddenly welcome to use the women's and girls area just because he has a certain fashion style on?

He's male. He isn't suddenly "vulnerable" just because he has put on a bit of eyeliner!

GNCQ · 30/03/2021 16:25

Men nowadays don't give a crap if a bloke walks in wearing a skirt and lippy.
Doesn't anyone remember Boy George?

toffeebutterpopcorn · 30/03/2021 16:35

I love the story that Fionne tells on twitter every so and often of being in the means loos dresses as the elfin queen as he does and a man was staring at him.

The man eventually told him that they were in the men’s loos and Fionne said that they are a man. Pause... “well you're very pretty”.

timewilltellsontrushit · 30/03/2021 16:45

@GNCQ

Men nowadays don't give a crap if a bloke walks in wearing a skirt and lippy. Doesn't anyone remember Boy George?
Erm in central London / Brighton but sadly other places aren't so open minded. It will take people to do it to make the change sure, but be aware that as wrong as it is people will stare and comment negatively.
SSW101 · 30/03/2021 16:46

@GNCQ It's hard. Either way there is a risk to someone. I'm haunted by a horrific attack in the city where I went to uni where two men dragged a lad into a department store toilet and raped him. So I always remember that everyone is vulnerable to predatory men. I just don't want to force vulnerable people - whether women or certain men who seem more likely to be targeted - into areas that we know are less safe for them. If everywhere had more individual shared toilets (e.g. what we have on trains) this would be less of a problem. But for now we have to use our common sense

Usagi12 · 30/03/2021 16:49

Just let him wear what he wants. No need for labels or drama 🙄 he's exploring who he is, just like every other teenager ever. Am sure he'll be fine x

Love51 · 30/03/2021 16:53

@SeasonFinale

I think you mean trans daughter rather than trans son?
I think the op would know! This is a boy who wears a skirt, not a boy who says he's a girl. Cross dressing has been claimed by the trans umbrella.
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