Not sure dh is being fair with divorce financials

[JayJayy]

Posted briefly a while back, managed to get a free half hour which wasn’t brilliant, but now I have some figures and I feel he’s perhaps not being too fair here…
Sorry it’s long but I wanted to be detailed.

29 year marriage. I’ve always stayed home with part time work (his request) and raised children. Both now independent adults so don’t factor into this now. He would like to stay in the house, bed currently living there alone, I’m renting a room because living with him is impossible. I have meagre savings and a job that brings me in around £1100 a month currently. I am seeing a solicitor tomorrow but at £180 an hour it will be a one off imagine.

His offer at the moment. He wants to keep the house, all the appliances, furniture etc and give me £109k, half the equity. Failing that he can ‘possibly stretch to’ £140k if I don’t go after his pensions. He’s a high earner, and his base salary isn’t reflecting bonuses which can push him to around £100k. If I take either offer I can afford at best a small flat whilst he remains in the four bed nice detached

House has been valued at £350k, £360k and £375k. I’m happy to take the middle figure he wants to go with £350k

outstanding mortgage £130,500

his salary £81k (plus bonuses he currently won’t go into)

my salary £12k ish

pension 1 £198,500
pension 2 £10,000 (estimate)
pension 3 £103,500

i gained a degree in 2011, he was deeply unimpressed with my return to education and using it to work full time would not have gone down well. I’m now 51. I feel stupid that I threw over 30 years away supporting someone who clearly never gave a fucking about me outside of being a maid and a nanny.
i also put around £90k of my own inheritance into the house in 2018. Something I know I’ll never get back.

he’s cut me off I have no access to money or financial advisors like he has and I feel he’s trying his best to make me go away with as little as possible.

I’d appreciate any input. Thanks.

just with regards to the post, you can set up a redirection with the post office or ask them to hold your post at a local parcel depot for you to collect, i think there is a small fee for this but may give you some peace of mind that he does not have access to any medical letters or bank statements which may come in the post :)

You put in £90k of your own inheritance to buy the house and he wants to fob you off with £109k!!! Stop being bullied. Spend your money on a good solicitor who is wise to this type of bully. Put the money on a credit card or maybe they will bill you when things are settled. I agree with the person who said you should move back into the house. Don't take any nonsense. Reach out to trusted, loyal friends for moral support.

update to this!
we went through a mediator and after more laughable offers (one of which was about 70/30 in his favour) and the barrister telling him he needed to think again he offered £200k and £150k pension which came out just over 50/50 in my favour.
Settlement due any day now and then I can start house hunting!

I’ve not seen him in person for many months and stopped letting the daft games get to me.

i feel positive now, I can build a future! I also changed jobs and am now in a fabulous role which I absolutely love. I have a life emerging in front of me

That's brilliant news OP, well done for holding your nerve and not letting him wear you down.
How are things with your children?

@JayJayy So good to read your update. Really pleased that things are getting there and you have got a lot more from him than he offered originally and you have a new job which you love. How's things on your DC's front?

Brilliant news! Congrats, well done for sticking it out - and good riddance 🥳

How lovely OP, may you live happily ever after!

Get an interest free credit card and put a decent solicitor on it, pay it off when it’s all settled x

Child front one DC still sulking but other is all good. Unfortunately they need to realise I gave over half my life to them and now it’s time for me.
I weighed just over 95kg when I left that house, I’m now down to 73kg and look a different person. I feel so healthier both in body and mind.

thank you to all who supported me on here!

His pensions are worth considerably more than the equity in your house, so absolutely must be considered within the pot of capital for division. His offer basically amounts to returning your £90k investment into the house, with a little extra. A joke. You don’t do a financial deal on divorce without full financial disclosure, so make him do Form E and then try to mediate. If not, go to court. You can self-rep if you have to, but do get advice from a family lawyer first on a fair split. As a starting point, if you take the pensions and equity in the house and split that 50/50 (on the basis of the £360k valuation), that’s £265k. That doesn’t allow anything to reflect the fact that you’d have to furnish a new property. What about a car? If he wants to keep his pensions then he AT LEAST needs to get a new mortgage to enable him to pay you the £265k BUT at your age I would take advice on whether even that would be a sensible deal, because you may well be better served in retirement if you get a pensions sharing order. Too many women make the mistake of giving up entitlement to pension and then find themselves in a very impoverished retirement

Well done 💐

Excellent update. Glad things are going well!

This is brilliant news. Thank you for updating. X

I love how you now just laugh at him.

I’m sure sulking child will improve if they have children and suddenly want an involved grandparent!

Well done OP. What about house contents? Did you manage to go in and get things you needed/wanted?

I did. Between us we had quite a collection of memorabilia, but most of it was easy to say “that’s mine” or “that’s his”. At first he did detail everything with prices etc but I got to the point where I said enough, you keep your collectibles, I’ll keep mine so I do have everything I wanted.
unfortunately as I’m still renting this tiny flat most are still at the house, where he threw everything I own rather unceremoniously into a spare room. He has agreed these can remain there though until I’ve purchased a property as I was concerned I’d have to start paying for storage I really can’t currently afford.
i get the impression he’s finally accepted I’m not coming back and is now just getting on with his own life a bit more.

@JayJayy It's hard dealing with all that, but once you have your own property and all your stuff in it, I'm sure you will feel relieved that you've got through all this and able to consider what you want the other side of all the stress and upset to look like. Stay strong.