Not sure dh is being fair with divorce financials

[JayJayy]

Posted briefly a while back, managed to get a free half hour which wasn’t brilliant, but now I have some figures and I feel he’s perhaps not being too fair here…
Sorry it’s long but I wanted to be detailed.

29 year marriage. I’ve always stayed home with part time work (his request) and raised children. Both now independent adults so don’t factor into this now. He would like to stay in the house, bed currently living there alone, I’m renting a room because living with him is impossible. I have meagre savings and a job that brings me in around £1100 a month currently. I am seeing a solicitor tomorrow but at £180 an hour it will be a one off imagine.

His offer at the moment. He wants to keep the house, all the appliances, furniture etc and give me £109k, half the equity. Failing that he can ‘possibly stretch to’ £140k if I don’t go after his pensions. He’s a high earner, and his base salary isn’t reflecting bonuses which can push him to around £100k. If I take either offer I can afford at best a small flat whilst he remains in the four bed nice detached

House has been valued at £350k, £360k and £375k. I’m happy to take the middle figure he wants to go with £350k

outstanding mortgage £130,500

his salary £81k (plus bonuses he currently won’t go into)

my salary £12k ish

pension 1 £198,500
pension 2 £10,000 (estimate)
pension 3 £103,500

i gained a degree in 2011, he was deeply unimpressed with my return to education and using it to work full time would not have gone down well. I’m now 51. I feel stupid that I threw over 30 years away supporting someone who clearly never gave a fucking about me outside of being a maid and a nanny.
i also put around £90k of my own inheritance into the house in 2018. Something I know I’ll never get back.

he’s cut me off I have no access to money or financial advisors like he has and I feel he’s trying his best to make me go away with as little as possible.

I’d appreciate any input. Thanks.

She would get the actual pension - not the cash value. Just transferred to her name.

He thinks you’re an idiot. Well fxxk him. You’ve got the entire vipers of Mumsnet on your side (and that comes with a lot of legal knowledge!!)

Remember also he can only buy her out of the house if their JOINT savings are double what he needs to pay, as those savings are, at least, half the ops.

Oops, I meant 15!!!!

He is obviously being ridiculous and once he sees a solicitor he will realise that (but not tell you).

Time to be utterly self centred and ruthless. Depending on how horrible he is I would be tempted to move back into the house, document his behaviour, record it with the police and apply for an occupation order and non-mol. But I appreciate that requires a level of psychological strength that you may not have (understandably).

The only other thing I would say is that 51 is YOUNG! You will come through this and you have a huge new part of your life to live, free from him.

.

Who wants to work until 75? Not many jobs are even doable at that age. Most of my family have died before then. I don't think anyone should be ok with working until they drop.

What an absolute bastard. Which I guess is why you left him. 💐

To buy something reasonable in these parts I'd need to have around £180-£200k. I've had a look and can get an extremely small mortgage of about £15k but ideally I want to buy something mortgage free and live happily ever after.

I'm not sure waiting on the pensions is the way forward for me and swapping for a greater share of the house is probably the better way to go as I can buy and get myself settled.

I don't really want to move back to be honest. Being in the home is deeply uncomfortable even without him there, it's not a 'home'. I did have the sense to walk through and film everything the other week though as I'd noticed he'd sold something out of the office, I have a record of whats there at least.

Without getting bogged down in detail, I was a prop collector. I have a room full of bits over there which probably total £20/25k in value as well. I think his tactic has been to blind me over division of the small stuff without getting into the main things. I've spent an extraordinary amount of time going back and forth over the custody of ET etc so as frustrating as all this is, I do see moments of amusement.

Alongside the financial going’s on op, I would urge you to reframe your thinking.

on your second post you expressed delight at people’s comments that you would get half, or more.

but. Why wouldn’t you?!?

you have contributed EQUALLY to every penny in that pension pot, every brick of the house, every pound in the bank. Equally.

so that’s the 5050

but beyond that, for the next 15 or so years, he will earn more every year than you can, even if you work the same numbers of hours. That needs evening out too. Either by more than 5050 or spousal, but one or the other.

but my point is really - own this, this is your worth, this isn’t you ‘doing him over’ or something to be smug about, this is simply what you are owed.

your retirement should be equal. If he can afford a 4bedhouse and a Maldives holiday, then you should be able to too.

Don't get a credit card yet. Go see the solicitor and discuss the payment issue. If you do need a credit card, get ONE. Then, in six months, transfer to a second one. By then you'll have more credit history so you will probably be able to do that quite easily.

You've alluded to abusive behaviours during the marriage (and his current behaviour makes it clear he IS abusive) so it might be worth thinking through those and writing those down because I believe (I don't know the details - you'll have to ask your solicitor) that on that basis you might be able to get more support such as legal aid or not having to go to mediation.

I'd also be tempted to go into the house and pick up specific things that you want/need/ But again, probalby best to discuss that with a solicitor. It's completely batshit for him to think he can just kick you out and you don't get anything that's int he house from the high value practical items like appliances and furniture to sentimental items.

Thank you.
i suspect as i mentioned briefly above at some point the blinkers will come off and I’ll unpack how all this happened. How I became grateful for being allowed to buy the odd thing etc. in all the years we were together I don’t think I have ever bought myself anything without seeking approval.

I admit the last time I saw him when he was offering me the £109k to go away I did leave shouting ‘you wouldn’t be standing in this house if it weren’t for me, do not forget that’.
I needed to find my fight. I’ve been so deflated over it all and being made to feel like this is what I deserve.

I’ve found that fight today. No more moping about.

OP if you take the lowest valuation of your house you have almost 220k equity. If you got £180k from the house you’d probably be able to buy mortgage free. There is over 300k in pensions (and you really have to see proper valuations, not what he tells you)! He earns 81k + bonuses, you earn 12k. This is a very long marriage. If he gets 40k from the house he can easily service a £140k mortgage to allow you similar housing. Please don’t overlook the pensions - the state pension is £12k per annum, even if you are mortgage free that’s not a lot to live on in retirement! I’ll say again - my situation was similar to yours although he earned just over £100k + bonuses, at the time I earned just shy of £30k. I still got 90% equity (£350k) and a pension share giving us equality of income in retirement. Please don’t sell yourself short.

In your shoes I'd aim for 50:50, looking to get £270k, divided in a way that enables you to house yourself. Whilst you could go for spousal, I wouldn't. The lawyers are likely to profit most from that move. It will also delay things potentially for years.
Accept half & look to increase your own income.
Good luck

OP you've been given brilliant advice, and your situation is very similar to mine nearly 10 years ago when I got divorced. I had, similarly, inadvertently married an absolute cunt, and the cuntish behaviour that was unleashed once we were divorcing was awful.

Just to say, like a PP, I got a good deal more than 50%, a massive chunk of pension and spousal for a while. Be advised by your solicitor, harden your heart, stay civil, keep hour head down and just keep on going until you are divorced. My exH massively underestimated me. That was fun 😂

I did get a credit card, and I seem to remember doing some sort of pre-approval thing on the Money Saving Expert website, so it might be worth a look there.

A solicitor will be worth every penny.

She chose to work part time, no one could have forced her to do otherwise. I don't get the "sacrificed her career" nonsense. She had her keep provided - shelter, food, transport/fuel/vehicle, heat and electricity, insurances, educational expenses, sundries and personal care, holidays, etc. etc. etc. provided for decades, it's not as though she were "supporting him" for free. Plus she got all of the above for her kids plus their extracurriculars, sport and for all we know uni costs as well.

It's a trade, not a sacrifice. People need to stop banging on about how men wouldn't progress in careers without the little woman at home. They likely would progress just as well sans the wife if not better because they wouldn't have kids or an adult dependent to support.

Agree that she is due more of the assets than he is offering, and I hope this is a lesson to anyone tempted to put an inheritance (which is NOT marital property if you keep it separate) into a marital asset.

Yay op 💪💪💪

you got this

and we will help you every step.

the finance consent order is a minefield, one that you have zero knowledge about before it’s suddenly thrust upon you.

keep posting, we’ll help x

As others have said, it is 50:50 as a starting point but you may be entitled to more and not less.

he will see it that you didn’t earn the money so you aren’t entitled but your work was keeping the house going, raising the children that enabled him to have his career. You don’t deserve a penny less

he is required legally to disclose all his assets including pensions and that is why you need a solicitor to do all the necessaries to ensure everything is on the table. Your solicitor will do the negotiating for you. It will cost but you will recoup the money back. The solicitor should be able to ensure he releases money to you in the interim so it absolutely is worth taking one on.

I don't think this is how judges calculate it any more. They expect able adults to support themselves. Once these people are no longer married, they are not entitled to the exact same lifestyle going forward.

OP, you will wish you had those pension payouts when you are older. If you tie up all of your share of the settlement in a flat or whatever, your income will be very meagre in older age when it's more difficult to earn. Be careful.

This.

Penny wise, pound foolish.

Don't shoot yourself in the foot, @JayJayy . There's a reason why solicitors are able to charge what - to you - may seem unreasonable.

Focus on the prize rather than the price...

How could you never have your own bank account? Ever? What age were you at marriage? Are you from a culture that discourages women from being independent?

I'm not being mean to you but for the benefit of young women reading this forum, how on earth does this happen?

I absolutely wouldn't hand over the house to him. But really this is the absolute folly of relying financially on a partner who earns a good salary. Also try and get a share of his pension which might be better than more cash now. Looking at the years ahead. I agree you need a solicitor.

You take the average of the 3 house valuations. Don't ignore the pension share to get more equity.

OP, as you said, it's time to find your fight. He has clearly ground it out of you, over years.

There is no way he will offer you a fair or equitable deal without you grinding it out of him, clearly.

Do not limit yourself to one solicitor's appointment. That would be a massive false economy.

Just ask yourself - why doesn't he want you to go after his pension? Because it's worth a lot! Prob around a million pounds. Prob more than your house.