Not sure dh is being fair with divorce financials

[JayJayy]

Posted briefly a while back, managed to get a free half hour which wasn’t brilliant, but now I have some figures and I feel he’s perhaps not being too fair here…
Sorry it’s long but I wanted to be detailed.

29 year marriage. I’ve always stayed home with part time work (his request) and raised children. Both now independent adults so don’t factor into this now. He would like to stay in the house, bed currently living there alone, I’m renting a room because living with him is impossible. I have meagre savings and a job that brings me in around £1100 a month currently. I am seeing a solicitor tomorrow but at £180 an hour it will be a one off imagine.

His offer at the moment. He wants to keep the house, all the appliances, furniture etc and give me £109k, half the equity. Failing that he can ‘possibly stretch to’ £140k if I don’t go after his pensions. He’s a high earner, and his base salary isn’t reflecting bonuses which can push him to around £100k. If I take either offer I can afford at best a small flat whilst he remains in the four bed nice detached

House has been valued at £350k, £360k and £375k. I’m happy to take the middle figure he wants to go with £350k

outstanding mortgage £130,500

his salary £81k (plus bonuses he currently won’t go into)

my salary £12k ish

pension 1 £198,500
pension 2 £10,000 (estimate)
pension 3 £103,500

i gained a degree in 2011, he was deeply unimpressed with my return to education and using it to work full time would not have gone down well. I’m now 51. I feel stupid that I threw over 30 years away supporting someone who clearly never gave a fucking about me outside of being a maid and a nanny.
i also put around £90k of my own inheritance into the house in 2018. Something I know I’ll never get back.

he’s cut me off I have no access to money or financial advisors like he has and I feel he’s trying his best to make me go away with as little as possible.

I’d appreciate any input. Thanks.

@arethereanyleftatall, indeed, a joint choice, no a forced one!

Give me a break. If her children are late 20s/early 30s they haven’t needed a SAHM for well over 10 years; more like 15.

@TheHerboriste@vivainsomnia

im not sure if you’ve read the ops posts, but she has detailed an extremely controlling man. Let’s not pretend they don’t exist.

true, she can’t prove it. But, even if was absolutely a joint decision, fair would still be to have an equal financial footing for retirement.

I don’t disagree that the op should now be looking for full time work, and she has already detailed that she is increasing her hours. but she will never now earn per hour what her ex can earn per hour due to their joint as best/his coercion at worst decisions, and this should be reflected in the settlement.

true, she can’t prove it. But, even if was absolutely a joint decision, fair would still be to have an equal financial footing for retirement
It doesn't matter whether it exists or not as a whole, OP would still need to show some evidence of it for it to be taken into consideration.

Never said OP wouldn't be entitled to half the pension pot. She is, but if she is qualified, unless she suffers from a disability, she would be expected to maximise her income from now on.

Ultimately, OP needs to decide how much she wants to pay a solicitor to fight for any extra she can get, hoping that the 'extra' won't just pay the bill. The solicitors are often the winners in these fights.

yes, now.

but when they were still together, it’s a perfectly reasonable choice as a couple to have the party that earns less taking on less paid work, but more housework/cooking so that they can BOTH enjoy more leisure time.
I know when I was with my ex he would have a thousands times over rather worked a few more hours in his ridiculously high paid job but not had to think about whether we needed loo roll or not.

These last couple of pages of posts won’t be of any help to the OP and I’m not surprised that she isn’t coming back…

Far too much dick-swinging on this thread of late. I think the OP has probably had her fill of that before posting on Mumsnet

I’m kind of seeing it as keeping the thread in active for her

It sounds like you've been a victim of domestic abuse
Which means you can report him to the police and get an occupation order so you can live in the house and he can't

Disappointed for you. You’d hope your DC would offer support.

I really hope your solicitor is an expert, and like most who’ve posted here, I wish you well.

im all for working and keeping careers, but blimey sometimes you have to factor in reasons why someone may have been PT - sometimes the other persons job makes it harder to work, travel, shifts, - sometimes there are elderly parents that need help or are ill, social care often needs supplementing - sometimes the guy makes it that he ‘prefers’ someone taking the brunt of the domestic shit and moans so much it’s easier to go along with it -

You have to remember that everything has a value and whilst the starting point is 50/50 because of the discrepancy in earning ability this could go up to 60% or more.

If he wants to keep his pension intact then he will need to give up the house, he can’t afford it

Always have a laugh at stbexh’s who think they can tell their stbexw’s what they can have or afford to give them

They don’t get to decide, a judge does

Average of those house prices is £362500 There is £232000 in the house

£312000 in his pension

• cars, watches, jewellery, furniture, savings and investment accounts and stocks and shares

Just on the above stuff there is £544,000

50/50 = £272,000
60/40 to reflect his higher earning capacity = £326,000
Even the latter would mean you could take the house + mortgage and get £40,000 of his pension.
You might have to put your props collection on the table but you could decide to retain that and take less pension

Please explain to your solicitor that you have had to move out and he has cut you off from the joint acvount

That alone is financial abuse. That could be also a factor in how much you get allocated

What shocks me most is the adult children who would drop you like a stone if you are seen to not have any money

Wait till there df has to move out of his precious home and give up his precious pension.

If he is earning the amount he is and struggling to make any inroads into the mortgage. Really wondering how long before he either runs out of money altogether or dc realise he isn’t the money bags they thought he was

I am wondering what stories your stbexh is making up about you

Thank you for this.

I wish I could say I was further forward but sadly am not. I've pushed and pushed for financial mediation but this has been refused and ignored every time. He's quite happy to play games with me and hope I run out of funds I imagine and will let everything drag out until the 11th hour. I cant decide if he just wants to see me run dry or if it's another control thing as if I couldn't pay my rent here I'd have to move back.

There have been further control games, a refusal to provide me with a PIN so I could obtain a PAC code for my mobile phone, which he had control of. I won this particular one as I managed to guess what the PIN would be so obtained the code and took out my own contract. I screenshot this particular WhatsApp conversation. Another was actually amusing in a WTF way....
Last year I won a competition, quite a large amount of homeware and one of the items was a lovely Orla Kiely duvet cover. As I said upthread we've had separate bedrooms for years so it's only ever been on my bed. I'd mentioned to him in a message that I'd be taking it the next time I was at the house. I mentioned it only out of courtesy in case he'd put it on his bed or something. His reply? "You cant have it....it's a marital asset"
Oh how I laughed.
I forwarded my prize email, pointed out it was my prize and I would be having it. It's now on my bed.

My solicitor (I managed to scrape enough for a visit) suggested I speak to my GP about the financial abuse and control and ask if they would fill in a form for me that could potentially entitle me to legal aid so I have an appointment with him next week. She'd helped me compose something asking for spousal maintenance which was soundly refused by him. He claims he has no money, which is frankly laughable.

I've also got a job interview for a full time position which would be perfect for me so things are looking up a bit there, especially as my current workplace has gone on a 4 day week and my hours have been drastically cut.

One bit of good news is DD is now speaking to me. Early days, she doesn't want to talk about the divorce at all, and thats fair enough it's not something I'd drag her into anyway, it's a start.
He isn't beating me though and my resolve is now bloody iron clad!

Well, unless I remember this thread incorrectly, on the plus side, the longer he drags it out, the more the assets increase?

One way of looking at it. I like that! 😁

In case you can’t get legal aid I would ask your solicitor about the timeline and steps and forms you will have to go through to show financial abuse etc and obtain this divorce and a fair settlement. I would then ask which bits you can do on your own and which you might need help with (barrister for court days etc) One friend did pretty much her own divorce and wrote all her letters. She had her solicitor guide her and look over her letters and forms and went to court with her each time.
Go through all the steps, fill out the forms and return them to the court in a timely manner and expect him to do the same and get on the list for a court hearing

If he doesn’t want to do mediation then that is up to him
I wouldn’t let him know anything is bothering you and I wouldn’t ask twice for anything

When the time comes he needs to fill out the form (can’t remember the code for the form) to say he hasn’t any money

Also be careful in what you say to your dd

She probably knows her df is going to mine her for info on you after her visits and calls so keep everything vanilla and turn the conversation to what your dd is up to. Keep everything from what you have bought, who and where you have visited and check everywhere for AirTags, cameras/recording devices and any devices for spyware. It might sound extreme but friend found a hidden camera after her stbexh had his solicitor contact her over something that she knew had only ever been mentioned in her living room and stbexh wasn’t living there at the time and she had a non mol order against him so he wasn’t allowed in the house.

Just tell him you want 50% of everything, nothing more, nothing less. He's a cheeky devil.

At 51 I would make sure you get half the pensions moved over to you. You don’t have very long to build your own pot, and it’ll take you time to ramp up your earnings.

As PP have said, if he’s in a local Govt, or blue light pension scheme then it’ll be worth even more to you.

His equity offer looks far too low too. Find a way to get the money together for a decent solicitor.

You need to move back into the house immediately if you haven't done so. I'm speaking from experience with my ex wife.
She had all the power and I had to settle for lower equity settlement.
She was happy to let thr divorce drag on knowing I was struggling with solicitor fees and would eventually break

A court will not take kindly to him refusing evidence of his bonuses or refusing mediation. Dont forget to include the bonuses in your calculations - and the value of furniture and fittings remaining in the house. Also if half the car is worth more than the premium bonds that needs to be factored in. Your housing need will be greater as you have lower earning power so you should get more of the equity. The court will also consider your inheritance, although putting it into the house means he will probably be seen as having a right to something like half of it.

Ask your solicitor about applying for a financial order - https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/67c991862ecc810ad1fc663e/Form_A_0425_save.pdf

Some information on this here amicable.io/what-is-a-divorce-financial-order?utm_device=c&utm_adgroup=&utm_source=google&utm_medium=ppc&utm_campaign=ProspectingPMax&utm_term=&hsa_cam=22321319758&hsa_grp=&hsa_mt=&hsa_src=x&hsa_ad=&hsa_acc=6105384446&hsa_net=adwords&hsa_kw=&hsa_tgt=&hsa_ver=3&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22687371789&gbraid=0AAAAADQEGtgehsoX6LzCbx0GOj0PiUQ4f&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI97Xk1bemjgMV7pJQBh3Ghxv5EAAYASAAEgK1qfD_BwE

Still here, still reading. Thanks again for everyone's input.

I have now repeatedly asked for financial mediation and am still being ignored on the topic. He's still claiming he has no money, yet again a visit to the house whilst he was at the office last week revealed lots of new, expensive items.
He also generously left me my post, one of which was an NHS letter dated 1st June. I have visited many times since that date so this was clearly withheld.

In other news I have managed to secure myself a full time job to start in a couple of weeks. I've decided that I shall appoint the solicitor proper then as I should be able to afford her. For now he can continue game playing as it wont elicit any response from me.

Moving back is not an option, for the sake of my own mental heath. I feel like I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel here and going back to that house and being with him would set me so far back.

Congratulations on the new job 🥳

I would continue to refuse to discuss anything with him directly. As soon as you can afford it, go see a solicitor and get the ball rolling. I hope you get every penny that you deserve!

Congratulations - things are definitely looking up for you. If you are able to get back in the house when he is out search for any evidence you can find on financials.

You can start the divorce process yourself online. https://www.gov.uk/divorce/apply-for-conditional-order-decree-nisi

There is a 20 week wait before you can apply for a conditional order.

If you have house insurance check if there is a free legal advice line.

There is advice on financial settlements here including a link to a calculator https://www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends

Congratulations on your new job @JayJayy and bravo on your steely resolve. You sound like you have the measure of your ex now and you know what to do 👏🏽