Not sure dh is being fair with divorce financials

[JayJayy]

Posted briefly a while back, managed to get a free half hour which wasn’t brilliant, but now I have some figures and I feel he’s perhaps not being too fair here…
Sorry it’s long but I wanted to be detailed.

29 year marriage. I’ve always stayed home with part time work (his request) and raised children. Both now independent adults so don’t factor into this now. He would like to stay in the house, bed currently living there alone, I’m renting a room because living with him is impossible. I have meagre savings and a job that brings me in around £1100 a month currently. I am seeing a solicitor tomorrow but at £180 an hour it will be a one off imagine.

His offer at the moment. He wants to keep the house, all the appliances, furniture etc and give me £109k, half the equity. Failing that he can ‘possibly stretch to’ £140k if I don’t go after his pensions. He’s a high earner, and his base salary isn’t reflecting bonuses which can push him to around £100k. If I take either offer I can afford at best a small flat whilst he remains in the four bed nice detached

House has been valued at £350k, £360k and £375k. I’m happy to take the middle figure he wants to go with £350k

outstanding mortgage £130,500

his salary £81k (plus bonuses he currently won’t go into)

my salary £12k ish

pension 1 £198,500
pension 2 £10,000 (estimate)
pension 3 £103,500

i gained a degree in 2011, he was deeply unimpressed with my return to education and using it to work full time would not have gone down well. I’m now 51. I feel stupid that I threw over 30 years away supporting someone who clearly never gave a fucking about me outside of being a maid and a nanny.
i also put around £90k of my own inheritance into the house in 2018. Something I know I’ll never get back.

he’s cut me off I have no access to money or financial advisors like he has and I feel he’s trying his best to make me go away with as little as possible.

I’d appreciate any input. Thanks.

And stop ignoring that abusive controlling men often insist on their wives not working or not earning much because it gives them power over them. This one tracked how many miles she drove in her car ffs. I know I’d prefer working a 50 hour week than being financially dependent on this guy so getting room and board for the duration of the marriage and then being financially fucked when it ends is hardly getting a good deal or benefiting from it.

Plus the man gets the social status of having a wife and kids - it’s not the same as if he’s supported Ukrainian refugees for ten years with no recompense. He has also gained from the transaction. It’s hard to quantify in monetary terms but it does carry value.

Yeah, there's plenty dodgy here. No wonder your DH doesn't want you digging around in his accounts.

Yes I would be too. You have been homeowners for 28 years AND you have put 90k into the house. I would expect more equity even if you did sell a house to your DS. Given that he can get a substantial mortgage and you put in non-matrimonial funds, I would push for enough to buy yourself a flat mortgage free so more than half the equity. That could be in return for giving up a spousal maintenance claim but I don’t think this wanker would pay any maintenance he was ordered so a clean break would be better for you.

How old is he? Similar age or older?

You have marital assets of at least 541.5. That doesn’t even get into things like furnishings, appliances, and cars. The starting point would be 270.75. You may be able to make a claim for a larger share or for spousal maintenance. His initial offer is laughable.

you don’t need to get into an expensive legal battle over this and fight over everything. Even if you just total it all up and split it down the middle you will be in a much better position than he is trying to create.

I would have thought he would have to buy you out, half if the value!?

He wants to keep his pensions 😆 I bet he does. He can get to fuck! Pensions will be split. You should be getting more than 50% equity to make up for the fact that you earn about 10% of what he earns. He's a cheeky fucker and you need legal advice.

@Startinganew32 hes two years older, 53.

Are all your children at a fairly similar stage in terms of being helped with buying homes etc? It is entirely possible that he saw helping your ds as a price to pay to keep you enslaved. Do be prepared that he might decide to shut the purses for all the dc too. They will be guilty by association with you.

He might not, but the chances are he will line another woman up to replace you who may have her own children. It is not unknown for men to then give everything to her if he dies. I would fight for your fair share now on the basis that he might leave none of his share to your shared dc. Of course you might not be able to leave anything to your dc after care home fees etc but don't let him try to convince you that it will all go to the children in the end.

Then with his income he could get a modest mortgage with a 15 year term and would be able to house himself in a similar type of property to you (except you’d need to buy outright).
I think 180/200 for rehousing might be on the ambitious side given that you’d need at least 80% of the equity to do so. You might have to adjust that and see if there are cheaper properties that still meet your needs. Or it might come at the cost of a lower percentage of his pensions. See what your solicitor says when you meet with her.

Kids are both married late 20s and early 30s. Both have bought over the last 5 years.
They are very much aligned with him unfortunately. They both knew the marriage was in deep trouble, but both have happily taken hand outs, treats from bonuses etc so ashamed to say they will follow the money.

Which is it then?! Was she doing it as a “professional” so got paid the going rate with regular pay reviews, got annual leave (my childminder takes about 5 weeks a year FYI), sick leave (so the husband needs to do ALL of the house and child stuff so won’t be able to go to work!) etc.
Or was she swanning around living the life of Riley watching morning TV, lunch with the girls (spoiler: husband didn’t like a 5 mile car trip to drop off a child’s gift so he’s not going to have liked this much either! Plenty of beauty treatments, tennis lessons / yoga etc. So husband had to scamper home from work on time to collect children from school -3pm will cut into his afternoon but there you go

You have been very stupid and very gullible
However you are no longer stupid or gullible and you have a whole new group of friends to help you and support you ❤️
Just for clarity.....your soon to be ex husband is a cunt

Edit: and he is a sociopath

This.

He’s not your friend. Don’t expect him to be fair.

Please get a good solicitor and as well as the other relevant info tell her/him that your ex was and is emotionally and financially abusive.

She definitely needs to get into a battle. Because he is guarding his pension jealously and is hoping she won't notice, or that she will be too cowed by him to object.

She needs to be a bit careful though because this is what lawyers would term a small money case. The liquid assets are very modest and barely enough for them both to rehouse. The pensions aren’t huge either. It’s not the type of case to throw money at. She’s likely to come out with about half the assets, maybe a small adjustment for her inheritance (but it’s a long marriage and it was used for the house). She would be wise to push for a bit more of the liquid assets so she can rehouse without a mortgage. If it goes to court, about 20 grand will go on legal fees.

Depends how much else he is hiding. One friend of mine found a whole lot of hidden properties. If he has been earning and not paying the mortgage off, putting extra into pensions and lying about how much, or has additional savings accounts for example. OP needs full disclosure and this does not sound like a man who is going to do that willingly.

Exactly. He's already done a dodgy sale of an asset to their son that OP doesn't really understand..

There may be more deprivation or hiding of assets going on here.

I doubt it would go to court, once he understands that it's in his best interests to settle.

Could you take advice through women’s aid op? You have been in an abusive relationship. They might be able to help, especially with the financial control.

Exactly. Like my ex’s £300k pension, for starters.

OP you only have to fight this fight one time.

Come on now this is just an utterly ridiculous statement 😂

“Housewives aren’t doing ANY of those jobs to a professional standard”

You think all Housewives are incapable of cleaning their own houses to the same standard as a “Professional” cleaner. What training do all these professional cleaners have, that a housewife doesn’t?! My cleaner is fabulous and worth every penny I pay her…… but I don’t pay a cleaner because I can’t clean as well as her, it’s because I don’t want to and don’t have the time to. (PS I’m not a Housewife myself!)

You clearly just hate women. And housewives. Been burned by one and now hate them all?

I am volcanically angry on your behalf OP. Find your anger, but make it ice cold and calculating.

Pig-ignorant post. It's actually very easy, and surprisingly common, for a controlling man to stop a woman working especially when if she does he might have to take some responsibility for the care of joint children.

Suspect the MRAs and their handmaidens have found this thread. @JayJayyignore them and be guided by your solicitor.

This is hilariously dumb. I am caring for my children to a far higher than "professional" standard, because I am their mother, which is something you actually cannot buy. "Inflate the value of a SAHP" 😂Your idea of "value" is pretty fucking sad.