Not sure dh is being fair with divorce financials

[JayJayy]

Posted briefly a while back, managed to get a free half hour which wasn’t brilliant, but now I have some figures and I feel he’s perhaps not being too fair here…
Sorry it’s long but I wanted to be detailed.

29 year marriage. I’ve always stayed home with part time work (his request) and raised children. Both now independent adults so don’t factor into this now. He would like to stay in the house, bed currently living there alone, I’m renting a room because living with him is impossible. I have meagre savings and a job that brings me in around £1100 a month currently. I am seeing a solicitor tomorrow but at £180 an hour it will be a one off imagine.

His offer at the moment. He wants to keep the house, all the appliances, furniture etc and give me £109k, half the equity. Failing that he can ‘possibly stretch to’ £140k if I don’t go after his pensions. He’s a high earner, and his base salary isn’t reflecting bonuses which can push him to around £100k. If I take either offer I can afford at best a small flat whilst he remains in the four bed nice detached

House has been valued at £350k, £360k and £375k. I’m happy to take the middle figure he wants to go with £350k

outstanding mortgage £130,500

his salary £81k (plus bonuses he currently won’t go into)

my salary £12k ish

pension 1 £198,500
pension 2 £10,000 (estimate)
pension 3 £103,500

i gained a degree in 2011, he was deeply unimpressed with my return to education and using it to work full time would not have gone down well. I’m now 51. I feel stupid that I threw over 30 years away supporting someone who clearly never gave a fucking about me outside of being a maid and a nanny.
i also put around £90k of my own inheritance into the house in 2018. Something I know I’ll never get back.

he’s cut me off I have no access to money or financial advisors like he has and I feel he’s trying his best to make me go away with as little as possible.

I’d appreciate any input. Thanks.

Stop expecting him to be fair and start treating him as a con man who wants to fuck you over. Because this is what is happening. And stop discussing money with him, ask your solicitor to do it.

There are cheaper ways to get help. Amicable are great and work to help you avoid going to court - and they negotiate with both of you to find a fair split.
You are entitled to at least 50% of all assets including cars / pensions / even jewellery.
Then you might get a bit more depending on his age vs yours and your earning potential. Whatever you do, don’t take the offer you have on the table at the moment.

Minimum 50% of house, savings and pensions. I bet he’s hiding savings and investments too.
I agree with asking solicitor for final bill to come out at settlement. He’s trying to screw you over.

Total marital assets: £400k, £200k house, savings? So £600k at least. If you’d both been equal earners then half would be fair. As you have sacrificed your career to support his, you are entitled to much more than half - maybe a starting point would be 80%?

He is offering you 25%….

Work until she is at least 76? That's a bit harsh.
OP also says it was her not-so-DH's preference to work part time. No, he didn't physically force her, but we all know of men who make it nigh on impossible for a woman to work full time by not taking their share of the parenting.

The starting point is 50:50. With this kind of disparity it could easily end up 60:40.

I’m stunned.

thank you every single one of you. I know it seems utterly ridiculous but it never occurred to me to think of assets rather than the equity in the house. I’ve had a few sleepless nights thinking how could it be fair that he gets to keep the lovely big house and I walk away with nothing.

to the poster who suggested a credit card to pay. Thank you. That’s something to look into this afternoon.

I’ve realised over the last few weeks how conniving and shrewd he is. It’s a side of him I saw in his work. But not something I thought I’d ever experience. You’re right. He’s not my friend.

As for my earnings. Any decision for me to not work part time in the marriage was met with controlling behaviour. Looking back it was probably abusive, but that’s one to unpack another day. My part time hours elicited stalking type behaviour so full time would have been absolutely unbearable.
I have a great boss who has already increased my hours to help me and is hoping to increase them more int he next few weeks so hopefully the pressure will be off a bit there at least.

He can absolutely shove his ‘offer’ and you need to pull yourself together.

you need a solicitor. Get one. Go after him for costs at the end. go to mediation, he doesn’t get to pick and choose.

your starting point is half of EVERYTHING. If he doesn’t want to share his pension then he can give you more of the house money.

stop letting him walk all over you with his bullshit.

You don’t just ‘not go after the pensions.’ You’re literally owed half of the pension pot. If he doesn’t want to give you that he can try and negotiate with you I.e you get all the house equity in exchange or something.

How has he cut you off financially - this doesn’t sound legal either

Other people have already covered assets/pension so I won’t repeat those.

But you mention his base salary is £81k and he won’t disclose his bonus information. This massively stood out to me. My husband works in finance and his base salary is only about 25% of his annual take home pay. 75% of his earnings come from bonuses and commissions. So there could be a very big reason why he is keeping his bonus amounts quiet from you. There could potentially be substantial money in savings/investments that he doesn’t want you to know about!

You can’t afford not to see a Solicitor. Who will hopefully employ a financial detective to find out everything you own as a couple! Get a credit card or make an arrangement to settle the fees once the divorce/finances are completed.

Edited to add - and do not disclose anything to your husband. He is not your friend anymore. And do not agree to anything with him in writing or verbally. If pushed - just say “I’m going to speak to a solicitor and I think it’s best if everything is agreed through them.”

As @arethereanyleftatall says:

the starting point is half of EVERYTHING.

Not just half the equity in the house!!! What an absolute joker. I would however love to be there to see his face when he gets told though 😃

It’s a very long marriage with a huge discrepancy in earnings and pensions. 50/50 is purely the starting point. Very similar to my situation, ex earned 4 times what I did with bonuses and had 5 very valuable pensions. I was awarded 90% equity and shares in 3 of his pensions, giving us equality of income in retirement. I’m now 64 and have just retired with a healthy pension pot of £525,000 so will be fine. I also bought a lovely 2 bed cottage mortgage free. No judge will allow him to keep a large house on his own, you should have similar properties going forwards. If that means you are mortgage free and he needs a small mortgage, so be it. And you’re in your 50s, please don’t neglect the pensions (especially if any are defined benefit, they can be very valuable - as I discovered)! You will be expected to maximise your income and you are happy to do so, I’m glad your boss is supportive.

My ex unilaterally decided that any pre marriage assets were not to be considered. My solicitor put him right about this and the whole lot went on the table including a £300k pension he didn’t want to disclose, and his bonuses which he said were “none of my business.”

Don’t you just hate being underestimated?

This is so so true. My ex cetv value was £500k. Nhs pension. My solicitor advised I got an actuary to do different types of valuations. It went up to £1.5 million!

I understand after a super long marriage like yours, you are entitled to a ‘similar standard of life when retired.’

The baseline is half of everything. Then your earning capacity has been affected by mutually agreed choices, and you might want to consider asking for more to reflect that.
Insist on full disclosure of all savings, pensions etc before you even start negotiations , then consult a solicitor once you have these.
Meanwhile, either move back in or protect your right of occupation by getting it registered.

OP, from personal experience, if he gets an annual bonus that 'he doesn't want to discuss', my guess is that he's been salting it away into other pension schemes that you don't know about. Or other investment vehicles. Other properties?

£300k pension pot for a high earner in his 50s is very small. I'd expect that figure to be several times that.

It might also be worth moving back in to try to start sneaking around to see if you can see any of his paperwork. The bank statements on the full disclosure form have to go back 3 years iirc (probably not) so that you can see if he moved anything out before the form!

Don't get mad, get half

So when i initially ended the marriage I removed myself from the house for a couple of days to give us both a bit of breathing room. I stayed in the cheapest, grottiest hotel you could begin to imagine.
No cooking facilities, and helpfully I'd come on a period, so went to the local morrisons and withdrew £100 from our joint account to buy some supplies and a few pot noodles. within minutes I had a message that simply said 'you appear to have withdrawn money from the joint account. This is not for your use'.
An hour later the bank called, he'd frozen it and I was left with the £100 in my hand.

I didn't have my own bank account, I never have had. At some point I realised the family premium bonds were in my name so managed to use some of those to live. Eventually I negotiated the amount that was in the bonds (about £9k) for the value of his car. This is what I'm currently living on.

I would tell him that you want your £90K back and then split the remainder of the house equity 50:50. Plus half of everything else. Even the contents of the house that he wants to keep will cost a lot for you to replace.

FOR FUCKS SAKE

Woman, get to a solicitor NOW, stick it on a loan/credit card and get this sorted. Jesus Christ!!!!!!

Omg just saw your last message. What a disgraceful bastard he is. Get the best solicitor you can, and yes put in on a credit card! Good luck op.

Those pension values don’t seem very high compared to his salary. You need some decent advice.

@JayJayyyou can also apply for spousal maintenance , and I would, if only to piss him off.

Currently applying for credit cards.
I'm absolutely guilty of burying my head in the sand, thinking he would offer a little courtesy I guess. 33 years is a long time to spend with someone. I get he's angry and bitter but I couldn't remain so unhappy for what could potentially be another 30 years of my life.

I've wallowed, I know this. I needed you all to pull me together a bit. I felt like the bad guy in all of this so I think I was more of a pushover in the situation.

Wallowing over. I'm on it.

Where abouts are you?? I’m wondering if someone here has any good solicitors that they could share ? If you let us know your general location?