Page 5 | Not sure dh is being fair with divorce financials

Fusedspur · 20/05/2025 15:14

NotAnotherOne1234 · 20/05/2025 14:49

In your shoes I'd aim for 50:50, looking to get £270k, divided in a way that enables you to house yourself. Whilst you could go for spousal, I wouldn't. The lawyers are likely to profit most from that move. It will also delay things potentially for years.
Accept half & look to increase your own income.
Good luck

Shit advice. Those pensions are GUARANTEED.

CapitalAtRisk · 20/05/2025 15:19

Fusedspur · 20/05/2025 15:14

Shit advice. Those pensions are GUARANTEED.

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Agreed. I really don't think that people realise how much a pension built up overe 30 odd years by a white colour worker is worth. Often, much more than the house.

CapitalAtRisk · 20/05/2025 15:26

And don't forget, OP, once you reach 55 yrs old you can start to drawn down tax-free sums from that large pension you're going to get from him.

Startinganew32 · 20/05/2025 15:29

Former family law solicitor. This is not legal advice - go take some (as you are doing). My initial thoughts - quite low capital assets for an income of that level. Are you sure that’s all there is or does he have savings/investments you don’t know about?
My instinct would be as it’s a very long marriage, equal division of capital and pensions and a maintenance order to last until he retires. Not sure whether that would be enough for you to buy a small flat - I presume you’re in a low cost area due to the relatively low value of the home. If not, I’d expect a bit of an adjustment to the capital split to allow you to buy a flat, perhaps offset against the pensions.

TheHerboriste · 20/05/2025 15:32

CapitalAtRisk · 20/05/2025 15:26

And don't forget, OP, once you reach 55 yrs old you can start to drawn down tax-free sums from that large pension you're going to get from him.

A spectacularly bad idea, unless she has no plans to live past 70 or so. The pension is not really that big at all.

Mine is about £1.6 million and I'm still working at age 62, because my planner and I agree that it needs to grow a bit more to finance my retirement lifestyle. I'd be panicking if I only had a couple hundred K in my 50s.

CapitalAtRisk · 20/05/2025 15:33

TheHerboriste · 20/05/2025 15:32

A spectacularly bad idea, unless she has no plans to live past 70 or so. The pension is not really that big at all.

Mine is about £1.6 million and I'm still working at age 62, because my planner and I agree that it needs to grow a bit more to finance my retirement lifestyle. I'd be panicking if I only had a couple hundred K in my 50s.

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I'm just trying to ease her into the idea that settling for a pension doesn't mean all the cash is tied up. As you said, yours is worth a lot!

TheHerboriste · 20/05/2025 15:34

JayJayy · 20/05/2025 14:28

To buy something reasonable in these parts I'd need to have around £180-£200k. I've had a look and can get an extremely small mortgage of about £15k but ideally I want to buy something mortgage free and live happily ever after.

I'm not sure waiting on the pensions is the way forward for me and swapping for a greater share of the house is probably the better way to go as I can buy and get myself settled.

I don't really want to move back to be honest. Being in the home is deeply uncomfortable even without him there, it's not a 'home'. I did have the sense to walk through and film everything the other week though as I'd noticed he'd sold something out of the office, I have a record of whats there at least.

Without getting bogged down in detail, I was a prop collector. I have a room full of bits over there which probably total £20/25k in value as well. I think his tactic has been to blind me over division of the small stuff without getting into the main things. I've spent an extraordinary amount of time going back and forth over the custody of ET etc so as frustrating as all this is, I do see moments of amusement.

Can you sell your collection and invest it for retirement? Do you have your own ISA or anything? I am kind of dumbfounded at the idea of spending this much on "collectibles" when one isn't saving for retirement or emergencies.

Original poster

JayJayy · 20/05/2025 15:34

TheHerboriste · 20/05/2025 14:59

How could you never have your own bank account? Ever? What age were you at marriage? Are you from a culture that discourages women from being independent?

I'm not being mean to you but for the benefit of young women reading this forum, how on earth does this happen?

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I thought I’d replied to this but must not have posted.

I had an account in my teens. Standard savings thing. We met when I was 19 and opened a joint account around 12 months later I think in order to save for a house. From that day everything was paid into it.
I was naive enough I let him get on with it. Never checked it, even though I got statements he dealt with it.

of course with hindsight I’d have my own account and squirrel bits away. I admit I’ve been very very stupid.

OP posts:

Startinganew32 · 20/05/2025 15:38

Where did all the money go? How long has he been earning 80k plus bonuses? Your house is worth 360k and you also put 90k into it. The mortgage is 130k so why has so little been paid off over the years?
With someone in their 50s given that house prices would have been cheaper when they bought, I’d expect them to have much much more equity than this if one of them was a high earner and there had been a nearly 100k cash injection into the property in recent years.

TheHerboriste · 20/05/2025 15:39

Startinganew32 · 20/05/2025 15:38

Where did all the money go? How long has he been earning 80k plus bonuses? Your house is worth 360k and you also put 90k into it. The mortgage is 130k so why has so little been paid off over the years?
With someone in their 50s given that house prices would have been cheaper when they bought, I’d expect them to have much much more equity than this if one of them was a high earner and there had been a nearly 100k cash injection into the property in recent years.

I was wondering the same thing myself. My mortgage has long since been paid off on one income, and my cottage is worth about the same as OP's house. My income is higher than his but I certainly have a lot more to show for it.

Where is all the money??

Original poster

JayJayy · 20/05/2025 15:43

Startinganew32 · 20/05/2025 15:38

Where did all the money go? How long has he been earning 80k plus bonuses? Your house is worth 360k and you also put 90k into it. The mortgage is 130k so why has so little been paid off over the years?
With someone in their 50s given that house prices would have been cheaper when they bought, I’d expect them to have much much more equity than this if one of them was a high earner and there had been a nearly 100k cash injection into the property in recent years.

Good questions.
low payback on the mortgage would be my guess. Again, I’ve never looked so don’t actually know. We bought it in 2018 so not been paying it back for that long. Money spent on kids house deposits, his cars, holidays, clothes etc

the savings we had were the premium bond account I had control of. That was the emergency fund. His mum is old and he’ll inherit a nice retirement fund there so not something he was ever concerned over.
The £80k has been for about eight years at a guess though he’s earned decent money for a while.

the collectibles were really a small savings plan as all increased in value.

OP posts:

Wastinmylifeaway · 20/05/2025 15:45

Please look at your overall financial pot this way
50% is the LEAST you will achieve
50% is the MOST he can achieve

BernardButlersBra · 20/05/2025 15:47

TheHerboriste · 20/05/2025 14:53

She chose to work part time, no one could have forced her to do otherwise. I don't get the "sacrificed her career" nonsense. She had her keep provided - shelter, food, transport/fuel/vehicle, heat and electricity, insurances, educational expenses, sundries and personal care, holidays, etc. etc. etc. provided for decades, it's not as though she were "supporting him" for free. Plus she got all of the above for her kids plus their extracurriculars, sport and for all we know uni costs as well.

It's a trade, not a sacrifice. People need to stop banging on about how men wouldn't progress in careers without the little woman at home. They likely would progress just as well sans the wife if not better because they wouldn't have kids or an adult dependent to support.

Agree that she is due more of the assets than he is offering, and I hope this is a lesson to anyone tempted to put an inheritance (which is NOT marital property if you keep it separate) into a marital asset.

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PA’s, housekeepers, cleaners, nanny’s etc are all expensive where l live and probably aren’t much cheaper where OP lives. It’s safe to say the OP’s husband got plenty out of her doing the vast majority of the domestic load e.g. where l live it’s £1,200 a month for 2 children, to go to childminder 3 days a week

It’s turned into a sacrifice now, as she’s in her 50’s and doesn’t have 40-50 years to grow her career

Mloop · 20/05/2025 15:50

TheHerboriste · 20/05/2025 14:53

She chose to work part time, no one could have forced her to do otherwise. I don't get the "sacrificed her career" nonsense. She had her keep provided - shelter, food, transport/fuel/vehicle, heat and electricity, insurances, educational expenses, sundries and personal care, holidays, etc. etc. etc. provided for decades, it's not as though she were "supporting him" for free. Plus she got all of the above for her kids plus their extracurriculars, sport and for all we know uni costs as well.

It's a trade, not a sacrifice. People need to stop banging on about how men wouldn't progress in careers without the little woman at home. They likely would progress just as well sans the wife if not better because they wouldn't have kids or an adult dependent to support.

Agree that she is due more of the assets than he is offering, and I hope this is a lesson to anyone tempted to put an inheritance (which is NOT marital property if you keep it separate) into a marital asset.

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If you read her posts, he was clearly coercive. A coercive spouse can force his wife into working part time or not at all.

The courts absolutely do recognise that having a partner to take the domestic load is of benefit to the other spouse’s career and the consequences of that should be recognised in the division of assets. It makes complete sense that if you have a partner taking the load at home you can: work late, work weekends, travel, never have to take a day off for a sick child/sports day. The benefits to a career can be huge. Saying that the person shouldering the domestic burden is ‘the little woman’ is just pure misogyny.

Middlechild3 · 20/05/2025 15:59

JayJayy · 20/05/2025 11:41

Posted briefly a while back, managed to get a free half hour which wasn’t brilliant, but now I have some figures and I feel he’s perhaps not being too fair here…
Sorry it’s long but I wanted to be detailed.

29 year marriage. I’ve always stayed home with part time work (his request) and raised children. Both now independent adults so don’t factor into this now. He would like to stay in the house, bed currently living there alone, I’m renting a room because living with him is impossible. I have meagre savings and a job that brings me in around £1100 a month currently. I am seeing a solicitor tomorrow but at £180 an hour it will be a one off imagine.

His offer at the moment. He wants to keep the house, all the appliances, furniture etc and give me £109k, half the equity. Failing that he can ‘possibly stretch to’ £140k if I don’t go after his pensions. He’s a high earner, and his base salary isn’t reflecting bonuses which can push him to around £100k. If I take either offer I can afford at best a small flat whilst he remains in the four bed nice detached

House has been valued at £350k, £360k and £375k. I’m happy to take the middle figure he wants to go with £350k

outstanding mortgage £130,500

his salary £81k (plus bonuses he currently won’t go into)

my salary £12k ish

pension 1 £198,500
pension 2 £10,000 (estimate)
pension 3 £103,500

i gained a degree in 2011, he was deeply unimpressed with my return to education and using it to work full time would not have gone down well. I’m now 51. I feel stupid that I threw over 30 years away supporting someone who clearly never gave a fucking about me outside of being a maid and a nanny.
i also put around £90k of my own inheritance into the house in 2018. Something I know I’ll never get back.

he’s cut me off I have no access to money or financial advisors like he has and I feel he’s trying his best to make me go away with as little as possible.

I’d appreciate any input. Thanks.

You can't afford NOT to have a solicitor here. There is enough money in the pot to pay for it. Pay a solicitor to fight your corner properly.

Original poster

JayJayy · 20/05/2025 15:59

As a small example. When I went back to college to gain my A levels before my degree, I had two small children and as an only child I was nursing my dad at home through terminal cancer. I didnt have time to think most days but the escape to college was very much needed.

every morning exh would get my car out of the garage for me. A little touch I thought was very sweet of him, until the morning he exploded at me in front of both kids. The reason he was doing this wasn’t to be nice, but because he was tracking how many miles I had driven in my car, and the previous day I’d dropped a birthday gift off to DDs friend. Adding 5 miles I don’t usually do.

I should have left then. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but I carried on. He assured me he’d changed. Again with hindsight I don’t think he did, he just got better at hiding it.

OP posts:

CapitalAtRisk · 20/05/2025 16:02

OP, be kind to yourself. You haven't been stupid, you've been trusting and loving.

But now is the time to get wise. DO NOT let him make you think he's doing you a favour by giving you some crumbs and stopping you learn how much is in the pension pot that you helped him to amass.

CapitalAtRisk · 20/05/2025 16:04

every morning exh would get my car out of the garage for me. A little touch I thought was very sweet of him, until the morning he exploded at me in front of both kids. The reason he was doing this wasn’t to be nice, but because he was tracking how many miles I had driven in my car, and the previous day I’d dropped a birthday gift off to DDs friend. Adding 5 miles I don’t usually do

That is so chilling 😨 And definitely something to mention to a solicitor.

Mumofoneandone · 20/05/2025 16:13

Check if you are entitled to any UC, particularly if he is cutting off joint finances to try and force you into accepting a poor divorce settlement. Or if you are entitled to a chunk of money from the joint account etc
Hope your SHL comes through for you!

Thisisittheapocalypse · 20/05/2025 16:15

Hilarious. His offer is derisory and he knows it.

50/50 is the starting point. Spend the money on a solicitor and ask for a good accountant.

Pemba · 20/05/2025 16:38

How is one of the account holders on a joint account allowed to just freeze the other account holder out? And a bank will just go along with this?
Doesn't seem right.

What a greed selfish bastard he is, sorry OP.

Startinganew32 · 20/05/2025 16:47

JayJayy · 20/05/2025 15:43

Good questions.
low payback on the mortgage would be my guess. Again, I’ve never looked so don’t actually know. We bought it in 2018 so not been paying it back for that long. Money spent on kids house deposits, his cars, holidays, clothes etc

the savings we had were the premium bond account I had control of. That was the emergency fund. His mum is old and he’ll inherit a nice retirement fund there so not something he was ever concerned over.
The £80k has been for about eight years at a guess though he’s earned decent money for a while.

the collectibles were really a small savings plan as all increased in value.

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But was this the first time you bought a property? Were you renting until then? If you didn’t get onto to the property ladder until your 40s then I can understand it but if you in fact bought earlier than that I’d be wondering what the hell happened.

TheHerboriste · 20/05/2025 16:48

BernardButlersBra · 20/05/2025 15:47

PA’s, housekeepers, cleaners, nanny’s etc are all expensive where l live and probably aren’t much cheaper where OP lives. It’s safe to say the OP’s husband got plenty out of her doing the vast majority of the domestic load e.g. where l live it’s £1,200 a month for 2 children, to go to childminder 3 days a week

It’s turned into a sacrifice now, as she’s in her 50’s and doesn’t have 40-50 years to grow her career

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Housewives aren’t doing ANY of those jobs to a professional standard, nor are they subject to performance evaluation, client feedback etc the way actual paid service providers are. Nor are they doing any of those roles full time, while keeping training and skills up to date to objective standards.

Stop trotting that out to inflate the value of a SAHP.

Startinganew32 · 20/05/2025 16:51

JayJayy · 20/05/2025 15:59

As a small example. When I went back to college to gain my A levels before my degree, I had two small children and as an only child I was nursing my dad at home through terminal cancer. I didnt have time to think most days but the escape to college was very much needed.

every morning exh would get my car out of the garage for me. A little touch I thought was very sweet of him, until the morning he exploded at me in front of both kids. The reason he was doing this wasn’t to be nice, but because he was tracking how many miles I had driven in my car, and the previous day I’d dropped a birthday gift off to DDs friend. Adding 5 miles I don’t usually do.

I should have left then. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but I carried on. He assured me he’d changed. Again with hindsight I don’t think he did, he just got better at hiding it.

I hope you enjoy your life of freedom from this sociopath.

Original poster

JayJayy · 20/05/2025 16:51

Startinganew32 · 20/05/2025 16:47

But was this the first time you bought a property? Were you renting until then? If you didn’t get onto to the property ladder until your 40s then I can understand it but if you in fact bought earlier than that I’d be wondering what the hell happened.

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No we bought when I was 23. I lived with parents until that point. His income was low for years really, we took extra on that mortgage to pay for improvement, conservatory etc. bought the new house in 2018 and sold the old to DS at a reduced market value.

I am now wondering what happened tbh.

OP posts: