Ex threatening police on me for “revenge porn”

[Lovelybitofsquirrel3]

I am highly stressed.
This ex manipulated me into sleeping with him by telling me he wanted to marry me and move in with me.
he “doxed” me by giving his friends my name and address and diagnoses and frightened me by sending me death threats on anonymous accounts. I didn’t report it to the police because I didn’t want him to be in any trouble.
The other month someone sent me photos of him in a thong dressed up as a woman, there are no nude parts shown. I was shocked. I sent it to his mother on Facebook and sent it to two of his friends who I thought would want to know. At the time I was being told by the person who sent me the photos that he was manipulative and has hurt all the girlfriends he has ever had which added up as it’s what he did to me. He is now saying by sending the photos I have done revenge porn and it’s punishable by two years in prison. It turned out that someone had made him do this to humiliate him years ago. He’s just told me this now and I don’t know what to think.

Do you think this might of been away of you trying to get some control back ? It might be worth once all this is over trying to get abit of therapy so you can move forward in healthy ways xx

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Shame on you . You’ve lowered yourself to his standards and I hope you get a good talking too by the police. You tried to get back at him and it’s massively backfired

That was posted to his mum with malicious intent.
What mum on god's green earth would want to know their son's kink...erm zero.

I hope you still have evidence of the threatening messages etc sent to you because you may well need them if he does report you to the police. Not that it cancels what you did, but it may be able to be used as some explanation of why you have done this. Also, do you have real-life friends who can help you now? You sound incredibly vulnerable - you have suffered horribly at his hands, you didn't report it to the police because you didn't want him to get in trouble (!), for some reason you have been in communication with one of his "friends" for the past year, your reasoning is completely skewed or you would never have considered sending these images to his friends and his MOTHER of all people - you really need some level-headed person or people to help you through this now, regardless of whether he reports it or not.

I dont have much evidence. I have diary entries I made at the time and I had counselling at the time for the rape. I don’t have photos I deleted any that I had permanently including from the cloud and I haven’t kept conversations. I wanted to get rid of all reminders. I actually deleted my accounts because they were associated with him.
I’m not sure whether I should try and move house to give myself a new start. I want to move on one day. It feels weird to think about having another man here when my ex was here once. It’s like he lives here still as a ghost. It all feels unreal, I don’t want to spend my life without him, if I’m honest with myself, but I know people won’t understand.
I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster not sure if I like him or not and have been in two minds about it. He has been the same as he will give me a stipulation and tell me to change something about myself and then when I come back and we fall out he will say he will report me for harassment.
I learned that I’ve been trauma bonded to him and he’s manipulated me in lots of little ways but I know that people wouldn’t understand or would think I was lying about the abuse or the rape if I was still talking to him or have feelings for him so I wasn’t honest and haven’t told people I was still in contact.
this time he said he won’t report me because he doesn’t want anything bad to happen to me but then he went on a rant about how fundamentally evil I am that I’m selfish and self centred (I don’t believe any of it) so I’ll be worried for a while with this hanging over me not sure if he is going to go ahead and report me
For a long time I’ve wanted to be ok and not feel the need to speak to him any more and I feel degraded every time that I do. He went on about me being emotionally immature too but I think he can’t handle conversations and is flakey and disrespectful and I told him so. this needs to be the year that I stop speaking to him for good.
I’ve had therapy and I know more about myself but not everything. A lot of self care and love is what I need

Ok, reading that last post makes me think he's not going to report you. The threat of doing so and have you dancing to his tune is far more useful.

You do, however, need to cut him and this unhealthy relationship out of your life. I believe everything you've said. I've seen how abusive relationships work and I understand the duality of fear/wanting to escape versus attraction and wanting to stay. But if you want a happy life you'll need to end it. Don't hand him power and do it abruptly, without a safety plan however. Get all your ducks in a row first and do it safely. Seek advice from Women's Aid or your local DV agency.

I would definitely move away and have a fresh start.

It sounds like you’re not just involved with him but his friends and family too.

You need to let him go and let him live his own life and I don’t think you can do that whilst you’re still living so close and in contact.

You shouldn’t even have his number, let alone his friends or mums.
Delete them all and move on.

You committed a crime which the maximum sentence is a prison sentence and having to sign the sex offenders register.
You did it to try and humiliate him and you didn’t just send it to one person, you put thought into what would cause the most damage, which will not be taken lightly.

I doubt you’ll receive those things though because men typically don’t report these crimes (even women underreport them) but this should be a massive wake up call to you and prove that you cannot ever have any contact with him or anyone he knows ever again, else you are going to pay for it.

The police can get old messages even if they’ve been deleted off your phone/the cloud and so that shouldn’t stop you from reporting things.

Apologise to him and say that you are stepping away and to not contact you again.
Then delete/ block his number - try and get a new one if possible.
If he tried contacting you, ask him not to and if he tries again warn him with the police.
If he keeps trying or is getting aggressive then definitely contact the police.

If it does go further, then your actions afterwards will be taken into consideration.
Acting remorseful and stopping all contact with him and people he knows will work in your favour.
If you have contact with him or meet in person etc then you could be seen as being manipulative and using the images to control him into staying in touch with you.

If you have nothing tying you to the area then definitely move if you cannot emotionally break away from him.
It sounds like a fresh start might be nice for you anyway.

You have been manipulated into doing this but you do freely admit that you sent the photos as a revenge. You need to get some legal advice asap as everything you say and do from now on is important. You have made a mistake due to vulnerability and having been subject to violent threats yourself but you do need to now face up to the mistake and deal with it head on. Have you got anyone who can support you? It will be very important to have a consistent account of what happened and to not say anything self incriminating. It's not the biggest mistake in the world so do try to get it in proportion.

I honestly thought his friends would be as shocked as I was that he was dressing up as a woman. He made me out to be crazy so I sent the photos for proof because I thought no one would believe me.
I don't know if he will actually go ahead with the threat at some point. I don't have previous convictions but I have had police involvement a number of times before because of my mental health issues. I know that can be used against me so I'm not sure if I should contact the police myself anyway or not.

It's not against the law for a man to dress as a woman, why would anyone care, it's no ones business and any private photos should not have been shared by anyone. I'd ignore it now, stop all contact with him and his friends. Perhaps your keyworker can help you, you need to let him go.

By sending the photo, which is crazy behaviour, all you have done is validated that to his friends if he's told them you are crazy. Now they have proof.
Don't self report to police, they can't do anything with that and it won't change things. Nothing will happen unless he makes a complaint, and all it looks like is that you've tried to get in first with your story. It counts for nothing and won't help.
Just don't have any contact with him or his friends. Block them all and try and move on. If he makes a complaint you will have to deal with it then. Nothing you do right now can help what's already happened.

But they don't have the right to know.

By sharing that information because you were so shocked by it just shows you to be a bigot tbh. It's only shocking if you think there's something wrong with it.