Ex threatening police on me for “revenge porn”

[Lovelybitofsquirrel3]

I am highly stressed.
This ex manipulated me into sleeping with him by telling me he wanted to marry me and move in with me.
he “doxed” me by giving his friends my name and address and diagnoses and frightened me by sending me death threats on anonymous accounts. I didn’t report it to the police because I didn’t want him to be in any trouble.
The other month someone sent me photos of him in a thong dressed up as a woman, there are no nude parts shown. I was shocked. I sent it to his mother on Facebook and sent it to two of his friends who I thought would want to know. At the time I was being told by the person who sent me the photos that he was manipulative and has hurt all the girlfriends he has ever had which added up as it’s what he did to me. He is now saying by sending the photos I have done revenge porn and it’s punishable by two years in prison. It turned out that someone had made him do this to humiliate him years ago. He’s just told me this now and I don’t know what to think.

Makes no difference, it's an intimate image.

Yes. It still doesn't change my response.

It was a hateful thing to do and I don't buy the excuse that the people you send the photos too would want to know.

It was purely for revenge.

What he did to you, which was awful and disgusting, doesn't justify what you did.

No I'm not transphobic, people can do what they want. It was shocking because he would go on about how much he hated trans people and then it turns out he was secretly dressing up as one. And thats shocking.
I have no previous convictions

You know when guys say “my ex is utterly crazy, properly insane” and MN think it’s just an insulting phrase…

You've behaved very badly @Lovelybitofsquirrel3 .

This ex manipulated me into sleeping with him by telling me he wanted to marry me and move in with me. is immaterial. You chose to sleep with him, he lied and it doesn't make what you did in revenge OK.

ETA the only sensible way to go if you have received death threats is to the police.

The person that sent the photos to me has known him for a decade, and he said he has known my ex to manipulate and hurt ever girl he has ever been with, but he couldnt tell me before it was too late because my ex kept my identity from him. he found my contact details afterwards somehow and we have been in contact for the past year. he only recently sent me the photos of him in a thong. It's him in a womans outfit, thong and long socks with a skirt lifted up, the other photos are similar

And how would you feel if one of your exes sent a picture of you in a thong and heels to your mum?
“You thought his mum should know” so you could have messaged her saying “hey I’ve received an image of your son in a very compromising situation. I thought I should let you know that someone is sending them to people”. But you didn’t want to be a Good Samaritan, you wanted to humiliate him.
You going on about how awful he is/was only adds to the revenge porn claim. It doesn’t matter what he did or didn’t do, what you did crossed the line and is by the very definition of it “revenge porn”.
To be honest I don’t think enough people like you get prosecuted. It’s a despicable thing to do to another human being.

So you clearly broke up with your ex a year ago or more.

You knew what you were doing when you sent the pictures to his mother and his friends and it was in no way altruistic.

How did your friend get the photos, why did he send it to you, you and your friend sound like you've been gossiping about your ex and decided to send private photos, what's the point in that other than to embarrass your ex, you're both to blame.

Sorry if it's hard to follow. I;m extremely nervous and my head is a mess. I only got told tonight.
I am disabled and they were telling me I shouldnt be alive and sending me threats they were going to come and kill me and knew where I lived or send my information to terrorist organisations. I didnt understand it but it seemed believable as they also sent me photos of them submitting reports. That was a while ago now, and it took me a long time to feel even a bit ok. He said it wasnt him it was his friends but i felt he was probably involved or enabling it.
He also raped me which I needed counselling for, I have been diagnosed with depression and have been really struggling with my mental health to an even greater extent than I would of if it hadnt of happened. I've had very little energy and felt very drained this past year. He gave me hell it really felt like a dream to have something on him that may tear apart two of his main friendships (which didnt work). I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. I didnt report because I didnt want the stress and also had conflicting feelings for him and didnt want him to get in trouble.
I know what I did was wrong, I never thought anything would happen to me. To respond to an earlier comment I dont know if it was a set up. I feel really afraid. He is really angry. I really dont need this stress right now.

It's still an intimate image from your description.

I'm sorry he manipulated you but it doesn't excuse what you have done.

If he does report to police and it is investigated/there is evidence/you are interviewed- if you admit the offence with no previous you could be issued with a caution.

If you don't admit the offence and there is supporting evidence and the victim is supportive, it would be taken to the crown prosecution service (I believe in most police forces this is a requisite now for DV offences, which it is, you are ex partners) and they will decide if charges are brought against you.

With no previous custodial sentence would be less likely, maybe a suspended sentence. But no one could say for sure.

Trying to justify or reason why you didn't won't help in any case.

Your best hope is of course that it's a threat and he doesn't go to the police.

Yes, it is the very definition of revenge porn.

No, you shouldn’t have done it. All you mitigating circumstances are just noise that contribute to the revenge aspect of what you did. Please don’t tell the police any of this because your “defence” is actually your motive.

I'm really sorry you went through all that.

You should report to the police, even if some time has passed.

It won't help you regarding sending images though, and all the advice here still stands.

OP I would probably ask for this thread to be deleted and go and seek legal advice

You need to stop this ridiculous behaviour. You are not helping yourself. You could potentially get in trouble but as well as that you are creating more animosity and drama. His group of buddies aren't going to stop tormenting while you are engaging with them and putting a target on your back. And his mum, well i imagine his mum loves him and will always love him regardless of what he wears, who he date's or how he fucks up. Also, the photo sender isn't your friend. They didn't do you a favour by sending it to you. They either love the drama, want to shag you or think its funny.

OP I might ask for this thread to be taken down if I were you, considering the fact you've made comments around hoping sending the photos would break the friendship group up etc. If anyone you know IRL reads this it could make things worse.

Yea I'm also disabled and have never thought to send revenge images of my ex. I haven't plenty of images taken during the relationship consensually that could embarrass him. Has never crossed my mind. He was also horrible and abusive towards me, threatened my job and all sorts. You knew it was wrong OP and you wanted to embarrass him. You should go to the police if anyone is threatening you.

Thats what I thought. In any case, it shouldn't have been sent any further.

I'm not sure it is a crime to send a photograph of a man dressed up as a woman, if it was, pantomime dames wouldn't be allowed to be photographed would they

How long ago was this? The law was changed on January 2024 so that it's an offence to share simply without consent, whereas before it was necessary to prove an intent to cause distress. If you did this over 12 months ago, there's still a need to prove intent.

You can see exactly what counts as an intimate image by checking section 66D of the Sexual Offences Act. Without seeing the photo (do not post!) it's impossible to say.

Having investigated many of these cases (former police officer), before the change of law last year, they rarely resulted in prosecution. It's one of the reasons the law was changed.

As a domestic-related incident, the decision to charge this would rest with the CPS, not the police. Although the police would have to be of the view that there was enough evidence and public interest to make a successful prosecution a realistic prospect in order to refer it to the CPS in the first place.

If there's a documented history of domestic abuse with the OP as victim and the XP as perpetrator, this would probably fail that test and no action would be taken.

If you haven't reported the past abuse OP, that may not help you. It's one of the reasons I'd always encourage victims to report - get it on record so that a manipulative abuser can't use your silence against you.

Even if you went to court and were convicted, you'd never go to prison for this. You might even be offered a caution instead of court, or more likely words of advice if the officer investigating felt the case was significantly undermined by complicating factors such as previous abuse.

None of which alters the fact that this was wrong.

You’re in the wrong here OP, there’s a very clear case here in proving distress and since the change to the law thankfully they are much stricter on these offences, as they should be.

Good. You deserve it. You committed a vile crime and clearly feel zero guilt about it.

1 A person intentionally shares a photograph or film that shows, or appears to show, someone in an intimate state without their consent.
2 A person intentionally shares a photograph or film that shows, or appears to show, someone in an intimate state with the intention of causing alarm, distress or humiliation to that person and without their consent.
3 A person intentionally shares a photograph or film that shows, or appears to show, someone in an intimate state with the purpose of their own or someone else’s sexual gratification, without the consent of the person in the photograph or film, and without the reasonable belief that they consent.

An intimate state is construed as a photograph or film that shows or appears to show a person engaging in an act which would be considered sexual, a person is doing something would could be considered sexual, all or part of a person’s exposed genitals, buttocks or breasts.

The above is from CPS. I'd argue a man in a woman's thong is an image that would be considered sexual.

Why, just why?

You can try to justify it all you want but you've potentially committed an offence here.

Honestly, it sounds like this photo was just another way for your Ex to harass you. Change your social media settings so strangers can't send you messages.

Why are you still talking to him now, after he had his friends sent you death threats and after he raped you?

Setting the picture incident aside, please cut this man and his friends and family completely off - do not have contact with them. If they keep contacting you with death threats and porn/intimate pics, please report report it to the police.

With regard to the picture, you clearly should not have forwarded it on, but what's done is done. I think the options are now:

1. Sit tight, under the assumption that your Ex is just holding this over you because it's another way of controlling and intimidating you.
2. Contact legal aid (don't know about eligibility) or a lawyer directly and describe your situation with all the background around death threats. Don't say you forwarded the picture to get his mum to throw him out or break up his friendships.

Also, get mumsnet to delete this thread.