In-laws seeking legal right to access our children

[GoldPombear]

So, my in-laws are very difficult people. We have tried hard to maintain a positive relationship with them and there are bad times and more manageable times. But they essentially always cause me anxiety and cause my husband great upset and mental health breakdowns (he has generalised anxiety disorder). We have three children, and since our engagement, and then first pregnancy, the bad times have got worse.

More recently, things have been more settled, so we had been seeing them more (they live 130 miles away). However, they were/ are emotionally abusive and were physically abusive towards my husband in the past. So they don't have unsupervised contact with our three children (all under 6). (There is one exception, when our son was small we went to a funeral and they looked after him nearby while we were in the church service). However, we can never do enough, we are never in the right, they are very controlling and are incredibly entitled in relation to our children. When they have these horrible outbursts, they never apologise, they blame us and then start throwing money at the situation, bug presents etc. However, they haven't directly done anything to harm or upset our children, if they did it would be clear cut.

Out of the blue, they told us that they had met with a solicitor to get access to our children. I can't explain the visceral impact of hearing this. I do not trust them but I never thought they could stoop this low. Reading online it doesn't seem to say they have much of a case, though they have a lot of money they could throw at the situation if they wanted to. They seem to be seeking contact without us, but again I don't think this would be granted. Anyway, we suspect they have been told to sort the relationship with us, as they brought up going to mediation.

I think I'm asking what other people would do? I can't see how the relationship can be repaired from this and I'm not sure I want it to be repaired. But they aren't my parents and my husband is understandably very confused.

If the legal advice had told them they had a good case, I suspect they would have proceeded and we would have had a letter in the post. But now they haven't got the answer they wanted.

Would other people try and maintain this relationship? Or is all trust broken? I know they are relatives, but they have caused so much pain and stress and unnecessary drama ovet all the years i have known them, that I can't see much benefit for my children for us to continue this relationship......

They've tried to get access to your children without your consent. Of course you can't ever trust them again. You should cut all ties.

They sound utterly insane and very very toxic.

For all your sakes, stop contact immediately.

I would keep all communication in writing in some form to keep a record. And any texts and such you already have then keep them.
I would maybe say you agree to talk to them but under the understanding they will not be getting unsupervised visits.

If they have been physically and emotionally abusive to your dh then you should not trust them.
Or ignore them completely and if you do get a solicitors letter then hire your own to reply explaining the reasons behind no unsupervised visits .
They sound very hard work and stressful

Totally agree, they sound awful OP

No form of contact with them ever again. They don't have a case.

Jesus, no way I'd feel comfortable around them at all - on your DH's behalf and definitely not around the children.
Who does that? What on earth did they think the impact would be upon you and your DH of being put through that?
What cruel people they are.

They sound awful. Their lawyer should have told them they have no ‘rights’, so don’t expect to receive any letters.

Personally I would cut contact entirely.

If you feel it may go further, ask your husband to document the abuse he suffered, in a ‘to whom it may concern’ style and lodge it with your wills. If you have not done so already, please nominate a guardian/ guardians for your children in the event of such being needed.

They have no rights to your children. Your children however, do have the right to maintain a relationship with grandparents who have previously been a major part of their lives. This does not sound like it is the case for your children.

They will have to apply for permission to the court to even seek a contact order. This is likely to be denied unless they can prove they have previously had a close and positive relationship with your children.

That's how I feel. Thank you

Bloody hell, that's awful. Your poor husband. He needs shitloads of therapy to process this, and definitely go no contact.

Thank you. They do such a good job on making us doubt ourselves, that I need outside perspectives

Yep I would be cutting ties completely in this situation.

Attending mediation with someone who has abused you, be that financially, emotionally, physically, is never a good idea.

I’m sorry OP it sounds like a horrible situation but be assured they really don’t have a leg to stand on here legally, let them waste every penny trying but do not engage.

I'd cut them off. And don't worry.
Parents will not be penalised for a grandparents CAO.
That would be detrimental to the child.
Tell the mediator you will not be engaging and will not all any contact at all ever.

Throw in that it's causing the breakdown of your marrige.

Thank you. Good advice about keeping records

Dgps have to request the courts permission to even apply to make an application for contact. On the basis of them having had a relationship with them that was unsupervised and for a long period of time. For example they had lived with the dc or provided childcare with overnight care... A relationship that having ended now is negative to the dc's wellbeing...nothing at all like your ils had with your dc. Have no concerns they stand a chance. Even a big bank balance can't swing it for them. Remember a solicitor will write anything they are paid to type up.

Thank you

If you’re in the IK, there’s no such thing as grandparents’ rights so they certainly can’t force anything. I wouldn’t be facilitating anything with them but I’d leave it in your husband’s court to decide if he wants them to have supervised visits

I'd support no contact given the impact on their son, your DH, never mind all the other reasons.

Keep records as suggested.

They don't care about us. We've told them the impact in the past. They only care about seeing our kids and I feel sick at the thought of that, to be honest

I think (not a lawyer) that mediation is more or less mandatory in any legal proceedings now, but they haven’t actually brought any proceedings yet, have they? You haven’t had a letter before action?

it may be wise to try mediation just so you have ‘clean hands’ in any future proceedings. It may be that mediation might actually help (esp if the mediator comes to the same conclusion about them as you have!).

but hopefully an actual lawyer will be along in a minute. I suspect that putting everything in writing from now on is a good idea. And I would make sure that embedded in that is the assertion that they have never had any meaningful alone time with your dc, in case they try to claim otherwise later , since I have a vague memory that this would be key to any legally enforced contact

We do have other guardians stated on our Wills. But I'm now worried they might take that further after this move, if either me of my husband were to die. I wonder if there's something we can have written into our Wills to state that we do not approve access to them?!

To quote you:

But they essentially always cause me anxiety and cause my husband great upset and mental health breakdowns

they were/ are emotionally abusive and were physically abusive towards my husband in the past.

When they have these horrible outbursts, they never apologise, they blame us

Then you say:

they haven't directly done anything to harm or upset our children

The abuse you have outlined above IS directly harming and upsetting your children. They are attacking their parents, causing great stress.

Ask yourself, why would you want these people anywhere near innocent children???

Please look after yourself and your family, there is zero reason to feel guilty for protecting your children.

NAL either, but I would strongly advise you to refuse mediation. They don't have a case and the relationship is fucked beyond repair now. They abused your husband when he was a defenceless child and now they are seeking to go over your heads to the courts of the land to FORCE you to let them spend time with your children, unsupervised? Nah, cut that one off at the pass.

Yes, I believe there is. Seek legal advice. Are your appointed guardians close relatives?

Mediation is voluntary. It can look bad if you don't agree to mediation without good reason but previous abuse is a good reason.