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Original poster

I want to live with my daughter abroad where I am from but my EX , her Dad is not letting me

286 replies

Yuu101 · 03/08/2024 18:06

My ex and I separated five years ago, and we have an eight-year-old daughter.

I had to take him to court because he only wanted to be a dad when it suited him. The court has now ordered that they see each other every other weekend, and we share holidays and school breaks.

He drives 60 miles every time he picks up our daughter, and his petrol costs are deducted from the child maintenance he provides.

I now have two other children with my partner, and we are planning to relocate temporarily abroad to my home country. Living costs, especially for childcare, are very high in the UK, and we have no family here to rely on.

In our new location, I have siblings and extended family who can help with childcare. Our money will go further there, as my family owns a house we can live in, and my partner is expecting a lump sum of inheritance soon.

Neither my partner nor I will need to work anymore.

I told our daughter about our plan, and she wants to come with us.

I informed her dad, and he said he’d prefer her to live with him because he doesn’t want to lose their bond, which I understand. However, apart from following the court order, he makes no extra effort. She often ends up stuck on her gadget at his place.

Our daughter expressed her feelings to him, but he ignored her.

I have a new partner and two other children to consider, and I can’t leave her behind when she complains about being bored at her dad's. Additionally, he has a wife, a daughter, and another baby on the way. His mom also lives with them.

I know I need to apply for a C100 and take this matter to court since her dad isn't willing to compromise.

Has anyone experienced court proceedings like this? How did it turn out for you?

Thanks.

OP posts:
Mickey79 · 03/08/2024 18:09

What is the plan for maintaining current contact arrangements with her dad, if you move countries?

Pigeonqueen · 03/08/2024 18:10

Hmmm I think you would be unreasonable to move considering he does actually spend quite a lot of time with her and wants to be involved.

My ex moved to America when dd was 4 and she now doesn’t even consider him a dad really because she barely ever sees him. I think if a parent wants to be a parent it’s wrong to make that more difficult for them by actively moving to another country.

Singleandproud · 03/08/2024 18:11

Why did you tell her? Why did you think it would be ok to make all these plans? The courts really aren't going to go for it. It's likely they'll suggest you leave her with her dad to maintain the status quo and you travel back to see her or just have her for part of the holidays. They like to maintain the relationship with the dad and he sounds lazy but not abusive preventing him that relationship would be wrong and they like to minimise disruption and moving her to another country where she potentially doesn't speak the language will absolutely disrupt her. Is your new partner and children important enough that you'll leave her here? Or can you wait the 4+ years until her voice is listened to in court or the 10 years until she's an adult

Ioverslept · 03/08/2024 18:13

Singleandproud · 03/08/2024 18:11

Why did you tell her? Why did you think it would be ok to make all these plans? The courts really aren't going to go for it. It's likely they'll suggest you leave her with her dad to maintain the status quo and you travel back to see her or just have her for part of the holidays. They like to maintain the relationship with the dad and he sounds lazy but not abusive preventing him that relationship would be wrong and they like to minimise disruption and moving her to another country where she potentially doesn't speak the language will absolutely disrupt her. Is your new partner and children important enough that you'll leave her here? Or can you wait the 4+ years until her voice is listened to in court or the 10 years until she's an adult

Edited

Why wouldn't she speak the language?

Sunshineafterthehail · 03/08/2024 18:13

You complained he wasn't being a df.. Now you are complaining he is being a df..

Marblessolveeverything · 03/08/2024 18:17

You want to live elsewhere she needs access to her father.i don't see a court going your way to be honest.

PeriIsKickingMyButt · 03/08/2024 18:18

You are unlikely to win TBH but you can try

Tiswa · 03/08/2024 18:19

If she was born in this country that will take precendence I’m afraid and it is u likely to be granted without permission from the father (moving within this country is different)

AdiLane · 03/08/2024 18:23

As a single parent, with three LO’s, I wanted to move abroad to my family.

However, turning the decision on its head and thinking of his my children would feel if they were moved abroad, away from me for long periods of time, I knew I couldn't do this to them (or him).

We moved within the UK so that life was more manageable but only a distance that maintained the DC’s relationship with their dad.

Aniseedtwists · 03/08/2024 18:24

I completely understand your rationale but I can’t help feeling a bit sorry for your 8 year old. Both her parents have new families & she’s being asked to make a pretty life changing decision with very little concept of what that will be like. I agree with others that if your ex wants contact a court is unlikely to rule in your favour.

Lavenderflower · 03/08/2024 18:25

I would be surprised if the court allowed this. Whilst you may feel he is not the best dad, you chose him and he is her only dad.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/08/2024 18:26

I don't think it's reasonable to expect him to agree, I certainly wouldn't be happy about it.
If she was a teenager her opinion would hold some weight but she's not and she deserves to build a relationship with her father.

SummerSnowstorm · 03/08/2024 18:27

Offer for him to stop paying maintenence if you go.
If he shoves her on screens and uses petrol costs to reduce CM I wouldn't be surprised if he's only seeing her to reduce CM and would agree to you moving if it stopped.

Lincoln24 · 03/08/2024 18:29

Most of your OP is irrelevant legally. You're not going to be able to make a case that he isn't committed because he doesn't do anything over and above the court order or doesn't make enough effort. In terms of finances, if he's paying what CSA stipulates, he's doing his bit. He's kept up contact and if anything driving 60 miles each time is evidence of quite strong commitment. Gadget use is neither here nor there in court unless very, very extreme.

Nor are you going to be able to make a case that her dad's is unsuitable because she is bored or because he has a new family, as this applies to you too.

Her wishes and feelings will be sought but at eight it's unlikely they will be a major argument in your favour as she's too young to make the decision.

It's going to be a difficult case to make, the fact she has always lived in this country will go against you, on the other hand the fact you are the resident parent and will have significant support overseas could tip the balance the other way. IMO it will come down to the judge on the day.

Ponderingwindow · 03/08/2024 18:29

You never should have mentioned anything to your daughter. she should not be put in the middle of this.

you have absolutely no business trying to move abroad. Your child deserves a relationship with both parents. You essentially committed to staying in place once you had a child.

Original poster
Yuu101 · 03/08/2024 18:30

My daughter is complaining that her Dad is always busy and she is always stuck at home doing nothing. Are you all people aware that if him or me does not follow the court order , that there are consequences?

I said to my daughter is she wants to live with her Dad that is okay with me as I appreciate that this decision is base on what is best for the whole family. My partner and my other two children considered.

I understand and appreciate everyone has got opinions on this matter. What I actually asked if someone had to do this before and what was the outcome. Rather than what people think.

We have suggested she will spend her holidays in the Uk and we will shoulder the cost.

And Yes, I had to discuss it with her to know her feelings on the matter. If she’s not to hesitant in living with her Dad, I would not be asking this question.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/08/2024 18:31

I don't think you should move until she is 18 and able to make a really independent decision. You are moving to suit you, not her - it clearly is not in her interest to move to another country from her father.

Mountainclimber50 · 03/08/2024 18:32

What country are you moving to? How easy is it to visit from the UK?

Original poster
Yuu101 · 03/08/2024 18:32

I had to discuss it with her as CAFCASS will get involve because of her age. I have sought legal advice. I needed to know what her feelings are before I can decide whether it’s worth taking it to court or not

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/08/2024 18:33

I said to my daughter is she wants to live with her Dad that is okay with me as I appreciate that this decision is base on what is best for the whole family. My partner and my other two children considered.

So you basically said either you choose me or I will leave you behind. You staying in her home country where her other parent lives was not an option.

6pence · 03/08/2024 18:33

agree the no maintenance thing might sway him. Also offering to pay all her travel costs when going to see him. And perhaps asking which times he’d like her. Give him some agency.

Marblessolveeverything · 03/08/2024 18:34

If you don't obey a court order you could loose custody and gain a conviction. So you require a conviction free record for your career at sometime in the future that may be an additional impact.

UpUpUpU · 03/08/2024 18:36

So what is the long term plan? You OP says a temp move and that you wouldn’t need to work. So when would you come back and how would you do that if you hadn’t have been working. I’m assuming you’d have left you jobs here?

AdiLane · 03/08/2024 18:38

Yuu101 · 03/08/2024 18:30

My daughter is complaining that her Dad is always busy and she is always stuck at home doing nothing. Are you all people aware that if him or me does not follow the court order , that there are consequences?

I said to my daughter is she wants to live with her Dad that is okay with me as I appreciate that this decision is base on what is best for the whole family. My partner and my other two children considered.

I understand and appreciate everyone has got opinions on this matter. What I actually asked if someone had to do this before and what was the outcome. Rather than what people think.

We have suggested she will spend her holidays in the Uk and we will shoulder the cost.

And Yes, I had to discuss it with her to know her feelings on the matter. If she’s not to hesitant in living with her Dad, I would not be asking this question.

My daughter is complaining that her Dad is always busy and she is always stuck at home doing nothing. Are you all people aware that if him or me does not follow the court order , that there are consequences?

What is the court order? How is it not followed now?

Original poster
Yuu101 · 03/08/2024 18:39

Thanks Everyone.

I don’t understand how people think how I am being selfish when at the moment I work while looking after 3 children.

When we move, the kids will have me full time.

As per everyone, I am alone in this country. My family is all over there and her Dad was originally from there too. So , we thought she could also experience our culture. How we were brought up.

No one in here clearly have been to court before with this, so I will have to do it and see how it pans out.

It’s hard for the resident parent because the non resident parent could move and live abroad and there is nothing the resident parent can do to stop that.

Thanks for all your output though.

OP posts: