Can my ex who isn't my child's biological parent apply for legal rights over my child

[Sunsetfarmblue]

My ex partner and I broke up over a year ago. He is not my sons bio dad but has been in my boys life since he was 3 years old. When I moved out with my son, my ex was worried that he'd no longer be able to have a relationship with my son. My son doesn't call him dad but I know my son loves him and enjoys spending time with him. I am very supportive of them having a relationship, and I made a plan with my ex that he can have my son stay with him once a week which we've been managing for months just fine. My sons happy, and I thought my ex was happy but he just told me that he has applied to the court to get parental responsibility over my son. I don't want this to happen. Does anyone know what my legal rights are here? Can he apply for this without my permission or support? And if I contest it, will social services have to get involved? I don't want that upheaval for my child or for myself.

I personally believe his motivation for wanting this is just his own feelings because I don't see any benefit for my son in getting this. They still have a relationship, and unless I thought he was a danger or not good for my child, I'd never stop him from seeing him. I have started seeing another person, they get on well, my new partner is very respectful of my ex but I do believe this could have sparked my ex to do this.

Any legal advice would be much appreciated.

Hello everyone! I couldn't find a way to edit my original post in order to give you all an update so I'm adding this message and hopefully you'll all be able to see it.
I didn't expect so many responses, and I can see this has been a very polarising topic of discussion. Thank you to everyone for taking the time to give their input on the situation regardless of what 'side' you're on. This is exactly what I wanted to avoid, a war over who is right and who is wrong as I find it very stressful.

There have been some questions come up from people regarding specificities on my situation so I will attempt to answer them below as well as give an update on what is actually happening:

1. Where am I based? England.
2. Childs age and feelings towards ex: 10. He doesn’t call him dad but he loves my ex, and they have a good relationship. My son feels safe with him and seems to enjoy the time they spend together (which is why I’d never, ever stop that).
3. Were we married? No, my ex and I were never married.
4. Bio dad: Bio dad and I were married. Bio dad lives in Ireland, I moved to be with him and our son was born there. The bio dad has not been in contact with us since I was awarded custody of our son, approx eight years ago. Bio dad struggled with mental health issues after the birth of our son. Our relationship broke down. When we broke up, I wanted to move back home to be close to my family for support as I didn't know anyone in Ireland. Bio dad took me to court to attempt to get custody of our child but I was awarded custody and the court ordered me to facilitate weekly video calls between bio dad and son which I did until he stopped showing up for the calls (it was a horrible experience which I don’t want to have to repeat). He technically still has PR, it hasn't been officially removed from him so it's my understanding that the court would look to get his input before awarding PR to someone else.
5. Does my ex pay for my child? No, he doesn't give me money but he covers all expenses when my son is with him. He has taken my son away on a weekend trip and paid for it. Bought him birthday presents, etc. I give him a portion of the child benefit I receive because he mentioned expenses regarding my son and that he is struggling financially. I also continue to contribute to the mortgage on the house we own (I moved out, he stayed in the house)
6. Is my ex abusive/controlling? No. My ex has never been abusive. You could argue that he was emotionally manipulative and that was part of the reason we broke up. For example, he'd often go quiet and almost sulky if something had upset him, I like to communicate openly and I hate knowing that people I care about are upset so I'd try to coax him to talk to me then I'd feel sorry for him. I realise now that this is something I have to work on in terms of setting boundaries and not feeling bad for setting them. But I must reiterate, my ex is NOT abusive. We were there for each other, he's always been there for my son, and that is something I’m very grateful for and loved about him.
7. Why did we seperate? We were quite different as people and that became more apparent as time went on. We had different communication styles. I'd often feel criticised by him for small things, for example; he'd say I couldn't make the beds properly so he would have to do it. Small things, and often said in a jokey way but they built up over time, and made me feel incompetent sometimes. I felt he was often trying to show how much I needed him which is backed up by the fact he told my new partner he was pleased we weren’t moving straight in together because he wanted me to ‘experience running a household by myself so he could see how much he did for me’ (bear in mind, I brought in the majority of the money, split the chores 50/50 and I’ve lived on my own in the past and managed just fine) Truthfully, I fell out of romantic love with him. It was a very hard decision on my part, I loved him as a person and was always so grateful for the way he was my son. He didn't want to break up and I felt extremely bad for hurting him by breaking up. I went through a lot of turmoil (as I'm sure he did too) when making the decision but ultimately, I wasn't happy and knew it was the right thing for both of us to seperate. He deserves someone who is fully, romantically in love with him and so do I. At first, my ex suggested that we continue to live together until my son had finished high school so as not to disrupt his life but I didn't feel this was right for anyone, especially my son. So, it was decided that I'd move out with my son into a rented house nearby so that they can still be logistically close, and also, so it didn't cause too much disruption to my sons life i.e. same area, same school, still near my parents, etc) Plus, it means that my son still gets to spend time in the home that he grew up in as my ex stayed in the house, although, we own it together so eventually either my ex will need to buy me out or we'll need to sell it but for now it's ok and the last thing on my mind.
8. Current partner: I would NEVER think it is ok to just bring people willy nilly into my sons life as some people have alluded to. My son is my priority in all of this, always has been and always will be. My new partner met my ex partner before meeting my son out of respect for ex, and has reassured ex that he would not ever try to take his place. My ex and new partner are civil and pleasant with each other, my new partner has always been respectful towards my ex so any fear the new partner would try to take his place is not warranted. I introduced my new partner VERY slowly to my son, he is not trying to be a new dad but rather in his own words 'another supportive, loving adult in my sons life'. My son and new partner get on well, if they didn't, new partner wouldn't be in my life.
9. Exes motivations for wanting PR: Originally, he said it is because he is scared he doesn't have any rights over my son and that I could stop him from seeing him. I have reassured him that won't happen and my actions over the past year and a bit have backed that up. I understand and sympathise with that fear of his, but ultimately, he hasn't applied for a contact order he has applied for PR. When I explained this, and reassured him further, he went on to say that he won't have any official authority in the parenting and decision making of my son without a PR. I believe his motivations are solely to do with his feelings and him being able to retain control over MY life, and that is not a good enough reason to grant him PR in my eyes. Why didn't he push hard for this when we were together? It seems that there has been this sudden rush after I moved out and the break up was ‘real’ in his mind as for a long time he didn’t want to believe it was happening. I get his fears but this seems to be all about HIS fears. The rationale behind doing this should only be about the benefits to my son and I don't see the benefits for my son in my ex having PR for him. I have always been the primary parent, I've always done the majority of the parenting when my ex and I were together, and my ex never had a problem with my parenting before now. I've never given my ex any reason to think that I would take anything, other than myself, away from him. He still sees my son, he got to keep living in our house whilst my son and I moved out, he got to keep our car. I went above and beyond in reassuring him, even facilitating meetings between my new partner and my ex which in a lot of people's books would be an awkward experience. Yes, he has been a significant person in my sons life but so have my parents (who’ve also helped immensely with childcare) and they don’t have PR.

Update:
Further backstory that I hadn’t explained in my original post; ex came to me a month ago to say he had applied to the court for this and there was a hearing date, I told him this wasn’t something I supported and after a lengthy discussion of him trying to convince me to give him PR, he agreed he’d cancel it - I gave him the money for the cancellation fee. Fast forward to a few days ago, he lets me know that he ‘forgot’ to send the cancellation forms, and that he found out he can still apply for this without my permission so is going ahead with the court hearing.
I contacted the court explaining that I was of the impression the hearing had been canceled and reiterating that I didn’t give my consent to him having PR of my child. I sent the cancellation form and paid ANOTHER cancellation fee. The court have said that even though I’ve paid and sent cancellation fee, the court hearing may still go ahead and they will update me as soon as possible.

The update is helpful OP. Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Not yet, I'm waiting to hear back from the court as to if the hearing will go ahead.

Okay, so I'm afraid taht yes, your ex was controlling and while I'm pleased you're happy with the current financial split, I really hope you have all this in writing becuase you've been pying all the bills while together, you're STILL paying a big chunk of the bills and he is living in the house. I'd be very very worried about the long term financial implications for you.

he was also controlling and manipulative and I suspect what you've mentioned on here is just the tip of the iceberg.

Do not wait for the court to respond. Speak to a lawyer immediately. At this point, I am concerned that he will be lying to the court. He's already made all kinds of ridiculous statements regarding your competency re housekeeping etc, and this may well be ramping up.

Also, FYI, the whole song and dance about introducing new partner to your ex... more control.

You cannot be blase about this. Please call a lawyer TODAY.

Oh, and please stop giving him part of whatever child benefit you get. YOu are paying for his HOUSE. YOu dont' need to give him anything more. If he can't afford to live there, then really, you should be selling the house and he can go buy a smaller home that's appropriate for a single man.

It might be wise to talk to one anyway. From your update it sounds like he isn’t being upfront with you. A lawyer will advise you with the best course of action going forward re continuing visitations etc…

It sounds like you are being more than accommodating and reassuring with your ex. It sounds like he doesn’t like that you are in ‘control’ here. If you weren’t being reasonable about things I could see his rationale but it looks like the PR thing is about a power struggle with you rather than wanting what is best for your son.

I'm finding it hard to understand why you have not sought legal advice immediately. If an ex partner was trying to get PR for my child, that is the first thing I would do!

Your ex was controlling and still is towards you. Him saying that about you to your new boyfriend is really horrible of him. The way he talks about you is so condescending. Control is a form of abuse. You keep saying he was never abusive, but he was.

You need to stop giving him money, stop giving him your son's child benefit money!! If he complains, tell him he still has the court cancellation fee you gave to him that he didn't use. You need to force the house sale ASAP and cut all financial ties with this man.

I really do hope the court cancels this case. I really hope he is not awarded PR, if anything, you need to cut all ties with this controlling man.

I agree that you need a solicitor immediately, not when court eventually get back to you!

This financial split sounds very unfair and while you feel it isn't a priority, you do need to get proper separation in this aspect of your life.

OP, PLEASE get off Mumsnet and stop putting your energy into sharing this info with strangers whose motivations and knowledge you don't know.

Please stop waiting around for the courts.

Please pick up the phone this afternoon and book a solicitor appointment and learn your rights.

OP you should see a solicitor but I still can't see that he is able to apply for PR directly. Is that definitely what he has asked for? Have you seen the court papers and does it say e.g. application under s4 Children Act 1989?

There are two routes to a court giving a PR order to a man:

1. If he is the father (not just a father figure, the legally recognised father) and doesn't have it by another means: https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1989/41/section/4
2. If he is a step-parent (i.e. married or in a civil partnership with the mother): https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1989/41/section/4A

Those are the only ways in which he could get a PR order and neither seems to apply.

The other route to PR is by getting another order that gives some form of caring role for the child, which then gives the holder PR for the duration of the order. The most likely route in this situation is a child arrangements order https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1989/41/section/12 (look at ss1(A)).

It's not clear to me whether he has applied for someting he isn't eligible for, or he has applied for another order that comes with PR. If he is legally advised then my guess is that this is a child arrangements order application.

Thanks for your input. I just need to clarify, I wasn't paying all the bills when we lived together, we split them.

YOu said you were bringing in the majority of the money, hence my comment.

Either way my other comments stand. He is doing financially very well out of you currently as you're continuing to pay your share of the mortgage while also paying rent elsewhere. And he was absolutely controlling and I suspect it would just have got worse.

I'm also interested to know - if he's looking for PR, is he also planning to take the financial burden of that? Because, you know, that's what people with PR have to do - the clue is in the name "Parental Responsibility". So he'd have ot take responsibility for the child in terms of well being etc....

If you get to court (and I'm pretty sure you will) this is an important question I'd be adding to my list to ask him.

This thread is quite mind blowing. It's almost impossible to understand how he justifies wanting PR when he's currently spending just 1 day a week with your child. I also agree with other posters that the finances and general attitude are all a bit off. Why are you giving him even more money for the day a week your son is with him? What massive extra expenses are there considering he's already living in a house you're paying at least half for?

You really should seek legal advice and make 100% sure that you are able to speak up in court when the time comes.

I give him a portion of the child benefit I receive because he mentioned expenses regarding my son and that he is struggling financially. I also continue to contribute to the mortgage on the house we own (I moved out, he stayed in the house)

Why are you giving him child benefit?? And why are you paying for the mortgage when you don't live there anymore? Why didn't you stay with your son?

What do you mean why didn't I stay with my son? My son and I moved out, my son lives with me.

OP, experience here shows SOME people will misread, twist and seize on the slightest thing and worry at it like a demented Jack Russell. It does not matter.

Use what you've written on this thread as a basis for your statement to your solicitor. If nothing else it will be good practice for any attempts to get at you.

All the best. Have you phoned for an appointment yet?

I meant stay in the house with your son. It's strange you moved out but still pay the mortgage. Why do you give him money to look after your son for a day? Very cheeky for him to ask you for money.

I moved out with my son, I didn't leave my son. My ex didn't want to leave the house but I didn't want to live with him anymore so I moved out with my son. I still contribute towards the mortgage because I own half of the property and I want to ensure it is paid.

No you misunderstood what I wrote. I meant why didn't you and your son stay in the house which you own? Your ex could've moved out seeing as it's unfair to uproot a child. Better for him to leave. Stop paying for the mortgage unless you live there and he moves.

Jesus Christ stop paying the mortgage

I am going to go against the grain of advice here as a mother of 2 teenage boys. A boy really needs a male figure in his life once he is s teenager. Your ex clearly feels threatened by your new relationship and wants to formalise the arrangement. Nothing wrong with the idea, in my opinion. I would facilitate it personally. Your new relationship might or might not work out. Either way you will be pleased to have another man interested in your son once your boy hits puberty. The years when male children remain sweet mama boys fly past very quickly

He has a relationship with ex and a close relationship with his granddad. I don't see why contact has to equal control over decision making.

My ex didn't want to leave the house. I couldn't force him to move out as he legally owns half the house.

But I own half of the house