Can my ex who isn't my child's biological parent apply for legal rights over my child

[Sunsetfarmblue]

My ex partner and I broke up over a year ago. He is not my sons bio dad but has been in my boys life since he was 3 years old. When I moved out with my son, my ex was worried that he'd no longer be able to have a relationship with my son. My son doesn't call him dad but I know my son loves him and enjoys spending time with him. I am very supportive of them having a relationship, and I made a plan with my ex that he can have my son stay with him once a week which we've been managing for months just fine. My sons happy, and I thought my ex was happy but he just told me that he has applied to the court to get parental responsibility over my son. I don't want this to happen. Does anyone know what my legal rights are here? Can he apply for this without my permission or support? And if I contest it, will social services have to get involved? I don't want that upheaval for my child or for myself.

I personally believe his motivation for wanting this is just his own feelings because I don't see any benefit for my son in getting this. They still have a relationship, and unless I thought he was a danger or not good for my child, I'd never stop him from seeing him. I have started seeing another person, they get on well, my new partner is very respectful of my ex but I do believe this could have sparked my ex to do this.

Any legal advice would be much appreciated.

Yes, parentage isn’t necessarily defined by biology.
your sons age, wishes and the ex’s contributions (past and present) in terms of finances, decision making and time spent would all be considered by the court. Whether you have biological children together (I.e. half siblings for your son) is also very relevant.

what does your son want and how old is he?

I'm still not clear if the bio dad has PR.

This definitely sounds like a control thing, now you have a new partner.

Maybe look at it from the child's point of view. My DH was married to someone with a child. When she knew the marriage was over (financial fraud involved and she left him in debt and he nearly lost his house) she removed her son so DH and the child didn't have the opportunity to say goodbye and she didn't allow any contact. DH sent him presents for years but a mutual friend told us she ripped the labels off and told son they were from her.

One day I open the door to a tall handsome young man who asks for my DH, it was his stepson all grown up. He wanted to know why DH had just disappeared from his life. DH was tactful, didn't mention what the ex had been up to and just said he would have liked to see him but his mother felt a clean break was best.

So that young man had been wondering about what had happened for over 10 years. Did his mother do the right thing? I don't think so but not my decision.

I think OP, given what you’ve said about your ex’s behaviour, work on the basis that his intentions are nefarious. Great if they are not.

Some abusive men try to alienate the other parent and use the courts to do so. Have a look at Dr Charlotte Proudman KC on Instagram and get some legal advice.

Because he’s not the child’s father. He is not related at all, they weren’t even married. Giving him PR would be absurd, he has visitation and contact already-why does he need PR?

Any update OP?

As an adoptive parent my heart aches at some of these replies, which seem to be unable to see that the DH clearly loves the boy, and it is very likely reciprocated. Parenting is not always linked to biology. As the absent bio Dad indicates.

@AinmEile no one reading this can make such bald statements as we don’t know, do we? This isn’t an adoption situation.

The OP has stated that her ex has controlling tendencies so it’s not possible to be sure of anyone’s intentions hence why the OP needs solid legal advice.

I am not very convinced by the controlling narrative. She thought he was fine when she was with him, and it seems to me that prompted by responses here then recalled that he had a tendency to sulk.

Although I would say that only the OP knows, and obviously a controlling ex is a different matter.

Has he insisted on paying for your sons costs since you have split?

What a vacuous response. If you want to assert that a man with parental responsibility could decide to keep the OP's son with him for longer than agreed, and that the police would charge him with kidnapping, then you should be the one googling and providing backup for your claims.

Have you been on Mumsnet long? There are so many heartbreaking stories where fathers have done exactly that and the police have done nothing. The posters have had to resolve it through the courts and it's taken months or longer. Giving this man parental rights will create the same risk.

Instead of picking apart my posts line by line and pretending you know everything, despite having clearly misread and misunderstood the OP, how about you explain why you think this child needs another adult in his life who is legally able to make important decisions about him. Keeping in mind, again, that this has nothing to do with access. Just for the ones up the back COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO ACCESS, this is about decision making. He would be applying for a different type of order if he just wanted to make sure he could keep seeing the boy.

Can you think of anyone you know who would apply to the courts for decision making authority over an ex's child who isn't theirs who they see once a week? This is a very controlling move in and of itself.

I think you’re talking about access, which is different. PR requires the agreement of both biological parents.

Agree. He could apply for access if he wanted to make sure he and the boy continue their relationship. I suspect he’s had some say in decisions while he and OP have been together and possibly sees this as his right to continue now they’ve split. I’d fight him tooth and nail.

But no-one is denying them a relationship. PR is very different from access and it does suggest he wants to exercise control to some degree. There is something off about that.

What a vacuous response. If you want to assert that a man with parental responsibility could decide to keep the OP's son with him for longer than agreed, and that the police would charge him with kidnapping, then you should be the one googling and providing backup for your claims.

I did Google it. It didn't take long.

Have you been on Mumsnet long?

Is... is this relevant?

There are so many heartbreaking stories where fathers have done exactly that and the police have done nothing. The posters have had to resolve it through the courts and it's taken months or longer. Giving this man parental rights will create the same risk.

That is heartbreaking, of course. However, the actions or inactions of the police in these cases don't change the fact that child abduction is a crime, even if you have PR. Which is what I said you know, before, when you said it wasn't.

Instead of picking apart my posts line by line and pretending you know everything

I literally just googled. Precisely because I don't know everything. That's sort of what it's for - honestly, try it, it's free to everyone.

how about you explain why you think this child needs another adult in his life who is legally able to make important decisions about him

My thoughts on whether this child 'needs' another adult in his life to make decisions are fairly neutral - I said I see why the ex may feel he needs to go through the courts in some manner rather than rely on OP's good will. I'm still saying that.

Keeping in mind, again, that this has nothing to do with access. Just for the ones up the back COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO ACCESS, this is about decision making. He would be applying for a different type of order if he just wanted to make sure he could keep seeing the boy.

I can't really speak to why the ex went down this particular avenue over another. I know as little about it as you do so it's probably best not to speculate on the details.

I'd just like to say that at no point have I ever thought it was ok to bring people in and out of my childs life.

As I've already stated, I have been extremely supportive of the relationship my son and ex have. I have not, and would not, stop my ex from seeing my son as long as my son wanted to continue seeing him and it was a safe environment for him to do so (which I've no doubt it is).

I've also stated that I understand the fear he could have about losing contact with my son. I'm not an unreasonable person and he fully knows this. I have reassured him in the past that I would not stop them from having a relationship. Why not tell me he was continuing with applying to the courts? There is an element of sneakiness here and that doesn't sit right with me, it scared me in all honesty and has caused me to lose trust in him. Also, as another person mentioned, if this was just about contact why not go for a contact order rather than parental responsibility?

When we were together, he absolutely helped with day to day child care duties, however, I'd like to point out that the majority of parenting was always done by me.

When I asked him his motivations behind this, he said that he wanted to be able to have authority over parenting decisions. So, again, not just about about contact in his mind. The sad thing is that if he ever had any reasonable concerns, I would always listen and he knows this because he's admitted that. I fear that this is partly to do with being able to retain some control or placeholder in MY life.

As for my new partner, I introduced him to my son VERY slowly. My new partner met my ex first, out of respect for my ex. My partner has reassured my ex that he is not trying to take his place, and that he will always respect the relationship they have. So - for saying this is about him feeling threatened that a new guy would push him out, it couldn't be further from the case. He might feel that way but it is not justified with any fact.

I have always looked at this from my childs point of view which is why they still see each other regularly. I'm not stopping contact, and as long as my son is happy with this arrangement, I will not stop contact. Parental responsibility aka having rights over the decision making of a child and contact are two different things.

Which is why they still see each other regularly. I don't think my son sees him as a father, but my son definitely loves him and values their relationship which, again, is why I have continued to facilitate and support their relationship. I'd like to point out also, that whilst my ex was very helpful day to day, and great with my son, I was always the primary parent and did the majority of parenting.

Who would you want looking after your son if you died? If the best option would be your ex then this is a sensible step.
At your sons age he isn't going to be forced into contact if he doesn't want it, but this would also protect your sons right to contact with his stepdad if circumstances such as you getting a new relationship impacted it.

Given he's raised him from as young as he can remember it seems reasonable, he's as much his dad as a biological dad at this point.
It would also probably be quite meaningful to DS through teen years if he hits that stage where he feels rejected by his biological dad. It makes his dad "officially" his dad rather than just a substitute.

I think it sounds ridiculous that your ex has done this OP, totally unnecessary and as you say, it’s just backfired in damaging your relationship with him. we do not want a situation in our society where if you cohabit with somebody they by default can get equal legal rights over to your child unless there’s a very good reason for this. Contact if they are bonded- yes of course, but you’re not denying this.

He may have been advised by a family lawyer that he needs to do it, they really stir shit and put the fear of God into people, I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s partly what’s triggered it

in theory, the courts will only make an order.
If it is in the child’s best interests, I don’t see a reason considering that you have been so respectful of his relationship with your child.

"I'd just like to say that at no point have I ever thought it was ok to bring people in and out of my childs life."

I wasn't saying that you did this at all and apologies if it came across that way. All I meant was that you had brought your ex into your child's life and this created a bond that your ex is afraid of losing.
I know you say you would never stop contact but it's hard for the other person to live their life, entirely dependent on your goodwill. You may have the best intentions to never stop contact but you don't have any loyalty to him now and realistically there's nothing to stop you from just changing your mind. I get why he wants his protection to be legally nailed down.

But I do also get why you aren't happy and I think probably a right to access is sufficient rather than full on PR. Since it's the case that you were doing the vast majority of the parenting, that does make a difference imo. Maybe your ex does need a reminder that with rights come responsibilities and is he fully on board with all that entails?

Okay so he wants input into decisions about your son. Lawyer needed. Access agreement is completely reasonable but control isn’t