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Original poster

Absent father now wants parental rights

187 replies

AnxiousSandwich · 20/09/2023 21:15

So I've gotten myself into a bit of a situation and really need some advice and pointers on what to do next and how to move forward with things.

This could be outing so if you know me in real life please just keep it to yourself.

So several years ago I got into some sort of casual relationship with a man who told me he was divorced. I have kids from a previous relationship so we kept it very casual and it seemed to work well. I didn't question why I never went to his house I just took him at his word.

I really opened up to him over the years and felt like I was respected and valued. I loved him with my whole heart.

Last year I was on the pill after having the implant removed. I fell pregnant. Obviously this wasn't ideal but I felt I could cope with it and had enough love for a baby. He really pushed for an abortion. To the point he started to refuse to see me or talk to me. I didn't want to abort so said he could choose to not be involved. However, he was keen to maintain a sexual relationship with me. Stupidly I let this carry on.

Fast forward to now and it turns out everything was a lie. He's still very much married. And now his wife knows about the baby and me. I don't know how honest he's been with her though.

I put a claim in for child maintenance recently after much persuasion from other people.

They now want a paternity test - that's fine, it's definitely his. But he's now talking about reregistering the baby so he's on the birth certificate so he has parental rights and talking about access and custody.

He never wanted her and hasn't been at all interested since she was born. She's 5 months old. Has repeatedly told me he doesn't want anything to do with her and has no feelings towards her.

Can they as a couple now request custody??? I feel like they just want to make everything more difficult for me and don't have the baby's best interests at heart.

What can I do??

I'm sorry this is so long, I didn't want to only give half the information. Can anyone offer any advice?

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 20/09/2023 21:29

If he is talking about access, then I presume he has developed feelings - or he thought telling his wife would lead to her saying 'have nothing to do with your baby' and she has reacted differently.

Do you live reasonably near him?

Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 20/09/2023 21:31

He still says he feels nothing for her.

He actually said "well if I'm paying for it then I might as well have access"

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 20/09/2023 21:32

urgh

I wonder if he will actually keep it up, with nappy changing and distrubed sleep and what not, though.

Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 20/09/2023 21:34

SheilaFentiman · 20/09/2023 21:32

urgh

I wonder if he will actually keep it up, with nappy changing and distrubed sleep and what not, though.

I don't want her to spend time with someone who feels indifferent towards her though. He's now refusing to talk about it all. Just says he's tired. Since lunchtime so not because it's late or anything.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 20/09/2023 21:35

So... is he really talking about custody, do you think? As in, building up to her living with him 2-3 nights a week? Or more like access, with a two hour trip to the playground every Sunday?

yogasaurus · 20/09/2023 21:36

Access reduces CMS payments…

MargsMargsMargs · 20/09/2023 21:36

Honestly, if he didn’t want the baby why should he pay maintenance? Genuine question. I am single in my 30s and my only chance of being a mum increasingly looks like it might be getting pregnant after a one night stand. I’d keep the baby and run!

Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 20/09/2023 21:36

@SheilaFentiman I honestly have no idea. I thought maybe he was saying it so I'd drop the claim but apparently they're paying for the paternity test so that I can't refuse him going on the birth certificate.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 20/09/2023 21:38

yogasaurus · 20/09/2023 21:36

Access reduces CMS payments…

Will I have to agree to overnights?

OP posts:
Freezingcoldinseptember · 20/09/2023 21:38

He can apply to court for a judge to order dna testing.. Do not offer or agree to use just any company.. Results won't be accepted by a court.. It will cost him money. Go with it for now. Can't imagine the dw really wanting to pursue this.

Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 20/09/2023 21:38

MargsMargsMargs · 20/09/2023 21:36

Honestly, if he didn’t want the baby why should he pay maintenance? Genuine question. I am single in my 30s and my only chance of being a mum increasingly looks like it might be getting pregnant after a one night stand. I’d keep the baby and run!

He has a responsibility. Simple as that.

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 20/09/2023 21:39

They are wanting access to reduce the maintenance payments. They are probably asking for a paternity test because they are hoping that maybe the baby isn't his and they won't have to pay!

Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 20/09/2023 21:40

Freezingcoldinseptember · 20/09/2023 21:38

He can apply to court for a judge to order dna testing.. Do not offer or agree to use just any company.. Results won't be accepted by a court.. It will cost him money. Go with it for now. Can't imagine the dw really wanting to pursue this.

He's asked for the dna test through the csa. He says he can then use that for a court order. It seems like it's the wife calling the shots.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 20/09/2023 21:40

MargsMargsMargs · 20/09/2023 21:36

Honestly, if he didn’t want the baby why should he pay maintenance? Genuine question. I am single in my 30s and my only chance of being a mum increasingly looks like it might be getting pregnant after a one night stand. I’d keep the baby and run!

Yes he should, he had sex which means there is always a possibility of pregnancy, so yes he pays for the baby he made.
If he didn't want to have babies he should have taken steps to avoid that.

Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 20/09/2023 21:41

Spirallingdownwards · 20/09/2023 21:39

They are wanting access to reduce the maintenance payments. They are probably asking for a paternity test because they are hoping that maybe the baby isn't his and they won't have to pay!

He knows she's his though. There was no one else. For me at least.

OP posts:
yogasaurus · 20/09/2023 21:41

AnxiousSandwich · 20/09/2023 21:38

Will I have to agree to overnights?

Show quote history

Not anytime soon, but if he takes you to court, potentially one day, yes

CurlewKate · 20/09/2023 21:42

@MargsMargsMargs
"Honestly, if he didn’t want the baby why should he pay maintenance?"

Because he had unprotected sex.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 20/09/2023 21:45

Court will insist on their dna company. . Ime it needs to be done via court.. Do not agree to anything until a judge orders it.

WandaWonder · 20/09/2023 21:47

AnxiousSandwich · 20/09/2023 21:38

He has a responsibility. Simple as that.

Show quote history

And you have a responsibility, you chose to have a child with him

Fairymcclary · 20/09/2023 21:50

Tell him (don’t put it in writing) that it sounds great, is he sure him and his wife are okay with it after he lied to you both, tell him it will be lovely to be able to go out and meet new people (allude to men) and get free time to make new friends. Does he want every other Saturday night? Say his wife sounds amazing and very tolerant about him lying and ask when you can meet her so baby can get to know her.

Tell his wife the truth about how he duped you both. Tell her you are so very sorry and wouldnt have touched him with a barge pole had you have known he was a liar. I presume you are no longer involved with him in any way? If so tell her you called it off the minute you found out (assuming that is true). You need her onside really. Hopefully she is a far better person than her husband - could she be pushing this as she cannot understand why her shitbag husband wouldn’t want to see the baby?

If you are still having any form of relationship with him you need to stop - his actions show he is a callous cold hearted man who is selfish and only has his interests at heart. Very unattractive qualities. He’s no prize at all.

Could he be calling your bluff to cancel the cms claim?

TrialbySourdough · 20/09/2023 21:50

WandaWonder · 20/09/2023 21:47

And you have a responsibility, you chose to have a child with him

Show quote history

How is the OP failing to meet her responsibilities for their child? She's raising her daughter entirely alone, at the moment with no financial contribution from the other parent.

SqueakyDinosaur · 20/09/2023 21:50

Because if he was that sure he didn't want a child, it was up to him to ensure it didn't happen. You need to read Gabrielle Blair, @ designmom without the space on twitter. Or her gloriously-titled book, Ejaculate Responsibly. Hard to believe she's a Mormon.

heartofglass23 · 20/09/2023 21:52

This is why I never pursued CMS.

It's much easier being a 100% solo parent than having a deadbeat, emotionally abusive Disney dad.

He could control everything about your life for the next 18 years. Where you live. Holidays. Health care. Who dd goes to if you die. What school/nursery she goes to. Religion.

I'd move and not share my new address.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 20/09/2023 21:54

Start mentioning the private schools you have in mind for dd and how he will be expected to pay 50 %. Watch him backtrack.. He is trying to scare you off cms op.

Fairymcclary · 20/09/2023 21:56

His wife may be calling the shots but it sounds like he is doing what is required to ensure she doesn’t leave him?
This could be he says it was a one night stand? Or that you tricked him? Or that you are lying?

So her first step would be to get proof (dna) then she can make a decision on whether she wants to stay with him. Or she could think he’s a shitbag for not wanting to see the child and is pushing him to do the right thing (as many new girlfriends do with the new boyfriend in their life- then boyfriend asserts his parental ‘rights’ so he doesn’t appear to be the loser he really is).

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