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Original poster

DP’s ex after my salary

1000 replies

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 18:57

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
NosyHamster · 31/05/2023 20:03

This sound like another case of a man being too scared to upset his ex but being quite happy to upset his new partner

ladykale · 31/05/2023 20:03

Hamfish · 31/05/2023 19:26

Move out and tell him you’ll come back when he is divorced

This is fraudulent and would invalidate any financial order agreed. A new partners salary can be included when considering how to divide marital assets, particularly as he now has someone to share costs with and she does not.

Is this the case when they're not married thoug?? Makes no sense as she could move out anytime (and should!)

YukoandHiro · 31/05/2023 20:04

"I honestly feel so angry at myself for getting involved with him - I feel a bit silly to be honest."

It's not too late. You don't need to stay with him. Listen to your instincts.

Did you move into his place or vice versa? Either kick him out or move out yourself until the divorce is complete. The marriage and divorce is not your problem; don't let him make it yours

Floofydawg · 31/05/2023 20:04

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:00

@DeliciouslyDecadent yes I feel like an idiot now.

OP don't feel like an idiot, but do get him out of your life. If he's this spineless with the ex, he's not going to get any better. You'll both be dancing to her tune forever.

I speak as a step-parent, with a husband who DOES have my back. But it's still not easy.

notacooldad · 31/05/2023 20:04

To be honest I'd be shipping dp back to where he came from.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 31/05/2023 20:05

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:03

@DeliciouslyDecadent he pays pretty much everything for the kids. I help out with costs when the kids are here with us but even when the kids are with the ex, he’s paying for their clothes, their expenses, phones, computers etc etc… their eldest, who is always quite open with me, stated that their mum pays barely anything towards them.

That's not the point.

He is still married. He needs a legal settlement and there is no way you should be paying towards his children.

If he is spending what you say, why is he delaying a divorce?

He might even be better off!

He will pay what he owes and then he can spend more if he wants to.

Garrard · 31/05/2023 20:06

Hamfish · 31/05/2023 19:26

Move out and tell him you’ll come back when he is divorced

This is fraudulent and would invalidate any financial order agreed. A new partners salary can be included when considering how to divide marital assets, particularly as he now has someone to share costs with and she does not.

Very true.

OP, extract yourself. Find a man who doesn't have children and an not-very-ex wife.

NosyHamster · 31/05/2023 20:08

OP, apologies if I’ve missed this, but are you absolutely sure his solicitor insists you disclose your details? Have you seen this in writing, or is it just what your DP says?

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 31/05/2023 20:09

I cannot believe that that drippy twat was planning on handing over your private and totally irrelevant financial information to his wife’s solicitor, that he believed he should and that he tried to threaten you into it with a scenario based on his complete stupidity. Jesus Christ.

I like the poster’s suggestion of ‘I’m going. Message me when you’re divorced.’

Glad to see your head is screwed on, OP, and you’re getting your own property.

Xenia · 31/05/2023 20:09

Best he moves out and once his divorce and the divorce finances are negotiated an in ideally a clean break financial settlement order sealed by the court then and only then consider living together and only after having a solicitor draw up a cohabitation agreement. it is not fraudulent of course if you require him to leave because of his 3 children and convoluted situation (never mind the facgt as he is still married it is technically he committing adultery even). lots of reasons to live separately.

VivaVivaa · 31/05/2023 20:10

He gave her around 80 percent of the equity of the marital home so she could buy somewhere as she would only get a small mortgage

This was a very silly move doing this not in the context of a divorce settlement on his behalf.

Namechangeed · 31/05/2023 20:11

Could he not move out to save the hassle? Seems like a lot of hard work and that would be an easy fix. Obviously not forever, just enough to protect yourself for the meantime.

pinkyredrose · 31/05/2023 20:11

OP why did they split up? Wondering if he's dancing to her tune for any particular reason.

Marmight · 31/05/2023 20:11

Only a judge can compel you to disclose your earnings.
Tell your dp that if he shares them with his ex, you will leave him
If the ex takes you to court, let her, you can self represent.
Stop the childcare vouchers but only if they are in lieu of paying more bills etc.

SheilaFentiman · 31/05/2023 20:12

Lots of people threaten court, doesn’t mean they will do it, even if they do have ground!

Original poster
Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:12

pinkyredrose · 31/05/2023 20:11

OP why did they split up? Wondering if he's dancing to her tune for any particular reason.

Might be outing but she was having multiple affairs. She left DP to be with the other man but apparently they split up not long after. This was all before I came into the scene

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 31/05/2023 20:13

Hamfish · 31/05/2023 19:26

Move out and tell him you’ll come back when he is divorced

This is fraudulent and would invalidate any financial order agreed. A new partners salary can be included when considering how to divide marital assets, particularly as he now has someone to share costs with and she does not.

To be fraudulent the break up would have to be a fiction that they were only pretending had happened wouldn't it? I think posters here are suggesting she genuinely break up with him and only get back together if they are both still interested after he's divorced.

viques · 31/05/2023 20:14

musixa · 31/05/2023 19:09

She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

😂

I think you could respond that you work full time and think it is unfair that she only works 12 hours a week and expects to profit from your labour.

90schickk · 31/05/2023 20:14

Her solicitor shouldn’t have even asked, should have advised against it.

There is no legal right.

Tell her to take a running jump and LTB if he doesn’t like it.

The entitlement astounds me.

unsync · 31/05/2023 20:14

After six months of cohabitation you are supposed to disclose as the relationship is considered stable. The Court takes a dim view of the information being withheld and will assume you are hiding income and/or assets. This then usually will benefit the other party. I speak from experience.

My suggestion is to disclose or move out until the settlement is reached. Your partner should go for a clean break settlement.

Elephantscantjump · 31/05/2023 20:15
  • If the divorce and financial settlement have not been sorted out yet, and you move in together then his ex’s solicitors may say that you represent a resource to your partner. The fact that you are housing him means that he may not need as much of the equity in his matrimonial home as his ex-wife. If your partner has children from his marriage and they are predominantly going to live with his ex-wife then she may say their housing needs should be added to her own housing needs so she should have more of the equity. And anyway, her lawyers may say, since you are helping your partner to address his housing needs, the ex-wife can how have more of the equity since he does not have as great a need.
  • If the divorce and financial settlement have not been sorted, and the ex-wife wants spousal maintenance then she will say the fact that you are living together means that you are sharing your living expenses so perhaps this frees up a bit more income for spousal maintenance. But she cannot claim against your monthly income. That is your money – not your partner’s nor his ex-wife’s.
https://www.divorcefinancetoolkit.co.uk/2013/07/can-my-ex-claim-money-from-my-new-partner/

You may have to disclose because you live together, but you've said its his house and his mortgage etc. Your finances from housing sound quite separate. I can't see how your income would be a big deal. I'd probably talk to a solicitor- some not many will give you a free 30 mins

Divorce Finance Toolkit · Can my ex claim money from my new partner?

The inside track for those struggling with divorce finance issues.

https://www.divorcefinancetoolkit.co.uk/2013/07/can-my-ex-claim-money-from-my-new-partner

nahwhale · 31/05/2023 20:15

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 19:16

@CatastrophicCat He has basically told me that if I don’t give my financials then the divorce cannot proceed and that it will be delayed.

I think he is trying to guilt trip me into giving across the details though because her solicitor is being insistent. Truth be told he doesn’t like confrontation and would quite happily provide them with the information needed.

He has just said that if I don’t give the details then she’ll get a court order out against me and it’ll cost me money lol!

Thanks for all your help.

Wow. Ditch him then he won't have to worry about it!!!!

WhimHoff · 31/05/2023 20:17

I would ask him to move out until he’s divorced.

Raindancer411 · 31/05/2023 20:17

I cannot see any solicitor saying a non connected person, would have to disclose their finances. The kids are their responsibility, and your money or situation wouldn't come into it...

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 31/05/2023 20:18

Tell your DP that he needs a better solicitor, one who understands that she's not entitled to this information or your money. FFS.

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