DP’s ex after my salary

[Needhelp1000]

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

Your decision, but it is a shame you are listening to the large number of posters who don't know the law. As per my posts, he is required to give his ex everything he knows about your financial situation.

But I'm guessing @prh47bridge (although IANAL) that if @Needhelp1000 doesn't share her financial information with her DP (they're not married so she has no obligation to do so) then her DP can only guess, or say that the two of them have separate finances because he is not yet divorced, and that he just doesn't know much about her financial situation.

It won't be "fair" that you left him. 🙄

Been through all this myself and can tell you, she has NO right to see any of your financial details. You are not expected to contribute to paying for the care of her children. That is between the two of them. When it goes to court, the court may ask for information about what you earn and you could give a rough idea of earnings and expenses, but you don't have to show anything. And as far as your savings are concerned, what savings? Solicitors will say anything to help make things easier fror their client, and the fact that your dp has recieved this request from her solicitor is just a try on, to see if it scares you into supplying it. Don't do it, and tell your dp under no circumstances to either, he has no right to pass on your private information to other people, unless requested to by court, not her solicitor. And if he does, that would would be it for me, she wouldn't need the info because he will have been given the boot. Good luck, these things can get very unpleasant and quite nasty, but it will be over with one day.

I'm in awe of your clear-sightedness and grit, OP. Good luck with the exams!

I am 100% "on your side" here, I too have been involved with a separated (not divorced) man with a narcissistic wife, never again.

But I was talking about in general, there is a good reason for the law to want to look to protect the interests of wives too. Yes as someone said it is not the 50's anymore, but I still see many women who take a back seat to support the careers of their husbands. Even a Nobel prize winner last week on The Life Scientific acknowledged that his scientist wife didn't share his fame because she was at home taking care of the kids.

Your partner should have sorted out his divorce in the two years you were involved before you moved in.

You need to learn how to be a @Needhelp1000 pleaser over all else.

From what I have read here, you are a wonderful person. Your heart is large and giving and you think of others before yourself. But, you need to learn to do for you first. You will find a man who will move the moon for you and deliver you the sun, because THAT is what you deserve. No less.

Learning that your ex put all this on you and behaved so badly knowing you were sitting important exams imminently just makes him worse!

If she refuses to give him the figures, he will have to give his best guess. That may, of course, result in him having to give more to his ex than if he had the correct figures.

A thought occurs to me although I know squat about divorce law, but doesn’t this all stop once the children are 18? The parasitic ex is going to get a pretty nasty shock then, if so. She might have to - gasp - actually work for a living. You know, like the rest of us do?!!

Well done OP and the very best of luck in your exams.

Seconded. Very best luck for the future. 🌹

No - at present she is trying to sort the financial order to split the marital assets before divorcing. This might result in spousal maintenance but probably won’t:

Separately, child maintenance is payable by the NRP to the RP as a percentage of salary but adjusted by the time spent with each parent. In this case, it’s 50:50 so unlikely that CM is much, if anything.

I think the situation is slightly more complex in that the OP is saying one child has additional needs. If their needs are complex, and for example the child has an EHCP, certain arrangements may continue until the child is 25.

Couldn't agree with this more and @MrsDanversGlidesAgain has articulated far better what I have wanted to say.

Wishing you all the best with the exams OP and with whatever the future holds for you. With the type of head you appear to have on your shoulders, I've no doubt you will create a happy and fulfilled future for yourself. Lots of love and best wishes x

Good luck for the exams OP - and I wish you a smooth property completion!

It’ll be interesting to see what happens when she finds out we’re not together any further

Someone this deranged will almost certainly believe you are still together, but that you're claiming otherwise to limit her payout - the kids will be questioned constantly and she'll probably turn up at the house to "catch you out"

It doesn't matter though because you won't be there for the unpleasantness. Excellent decision made, and good luck for the exams and the most brilliant future {flowers]

Totally agree. This is spot-on!

Im glad you have decided to move out and on with your life OP. She has certainly waited to strike after you moved in. You have only lived together 4 months and she is already salivating at money she could try and get 😡

Family courts are total shit at the moment. These contested cases are going on for 2-3 years ! Think about 3 years of this shit show ?! 😮

Him and those children are not your responsibility. I had a situation like this a few years back. Constant constant stress and me paying for his kids, all the house expenses and “his” was used up giving money to her or paying his legal bills!

I just booted him out in the end - that was almost 3 years ago and I still shudder at what I went through with him !

The relief you will feel will be immense 💐💐

He sounds delusional.
So let’s say you broke up yesterday and you’re just co habituating, would a divorcee really be dependent on a rooms mates salary and savings. Stop it both him & her are talking absolute nonsense.
He sounds like a back done’less man.
His wife and children are nothing to do with you.

They're not talking nonsense, it's the law. Granted the law is nonsense and as this very, very long thread shows a straw poll shows most of us think it is nonsense. But it nonetheless is the law.

I don't blame the OP for throwing in the towel though. I waited until my divorce was settled until I even thought about a serious relationship because of the kind of stories I'd read here and elsewhere.

Hopefully the OP's ex-DP will be mightily pissed off with his ex now too and will give her absolute hell in the family court and give her the bare minimum that the law forces him to. She certainly deserves that at least.

Why on earth is it unfair to her that you have two full time incomes?! You work for it, of course it's fair and deserved. If she wants more money then she has to work for it, plain and simple!

What is the law?

@Mainsfed Sorry I burst out laughing when I read that after this mega thread. Somewhere deep in the recesses of this monster a solicitor or two explained the law. Please, please don't ask me to find them 😂

I have been reading all the posts saying how awful the ex-wife is - but come on, she is only as awful as this wet wipe of a man allows her.

I have met this type of a guy before and he truly is revolting: bending over backwards to the demands of a nasty, stupid and greedy woman he is supposedly hates -but with whom he produced several kids - and doing everyhting to keep her happy at the expense of a current decent, loving and kind partner...

Giving his "terrible" ex money. Being absolutely terrified of her. Constantly talking about how "terrible" she is but secretly admiring her ("oh my god, look what she said now"). Its a co-dependent type of masochism, and it really is gross. These awful women are usually told to eff off by everyone else but the ex partner.

Sorry about dodgy English. Its Friday and my brain is tired )) hope you get the idea.

@Bubblyb00b You make an interesting point and although I fear I'm about to trigger another 400 posts I will say this anyway...

The kind of men you are describing as revolting may well more accurately be described as domestic abuse victims in a lot of these scenarios. Within marriage, domestic abuse is just as likely to happen to a husband as a wife (because statistically the vast majority of man on woman domestic abuse happens in unmarried relationships).

These former abuse victims are unlikely to say anything. They will just quietly do as they are told because they fear that their ex will use the legal system and society's prejudices against them to take away their contact with their children or make false allegations about them.

I'm not saying that is the case with the OP's DP but the kind of picture you paint sounds exactly like an abused male.