Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Original poster

DP’s ex after my salary

1000 replies

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 18:57

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Soontobe60 · 31/05/2023 20:20

Those saying your income doesn’t count in a financial settlement are misinformed. Yes, if you are cohabiting, it can be taken into account.
https://www.sadlercross.co.uk/2021/09/23/will-a-new-partner-affect-my-divorce-settlement/
However, I think youre BU because he clearly doesn’t want to get divorced - only when his ex filed for divorce did it come up.

Will a new partner affect my divorce settlement I Family Law Solicitor

When negotiating the financial settlement for a divorce are often asked “Will a new partner affect my divorce settlement?”

https://www.sadlercross.co.uk/2021/09/23/will-a-new-partner-affect-my-divorce-settlement/

duchessofginlane · 31/05/2023 20:21

Get your own place asap with only your name on the mortgage then move out. If the relationship survives he may be in a better position in a few years time when he's divorced and some of his kids are grown but his ex is going to keep being a pain.

ThatsNotGoodMelon · 31/05/2023 20:23

Get out OP. Cut your losses now.

He's a coward, and he's happy to throw you under a bus for an easy life.

TattoedLady · 31/05/2023 20:23

Any man, I mean ANY MAN, who pressures/tries to force you to disclose your financial position so that he can benefit from it, is not a man to have in your life.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 31/05/2023 20:23

SooninBrisbane · 31/05/2023 19:17

Maybe they're working as a team to fleece you, OP?

This was my first thought too.
OP kick him out or leave until he gets his house in order. He does not come across well herer tbh

Original poster
Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:23

Is it worth me speaking to a separate solicitor about this?

DP has just informed me that if I cause more hassle in the divorce & cause more solicitor bills because I’m refusing to state the financials then he wants me to pay the solicitor bills myself. No thanks.

seriously having second thoughts about this relationship now.

OP posts:
Bluebells1970 · 31/05/2023 20:24

I would get your own independent advice here.

To be honest, it sounds like they're both trying to shaft you...

MadeForThis · 31/05/2023 20:24

Leave him.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 31/05/2023 20:24

unsync · 31/05/2023 20:14

After six months of cohabitation you are supposed to disclose as the relationship is considered stable. The Court takes a dim view of the information being withheld and will assume you are hiding income and/or assets. This then usually will benefit the other party. I speak from experience.

My suggestion is to disclose or move out until the settlement is reached. Your partner should go for a clean break settlement.

From my working with divorce lawyers I think this is still correct though it’s been about 7 years since I worked there.

Personally for me, he’s not divorced and is getting you involved in squabbles between him and his wife. I’d say unless he pushes for the divorce asap then you’re over. But even then I’d still keep an eye on this and and any silly talk from him I’d end it.

it sounds like quite an acrimonious divorce already though so I’d also want to question if you want to deal with his ex wife and him as I can guarantee this probably won’t end after the divorce. If it was me I’d probably find a relationship with a single man or a divorcee but with a good relationship with ex.

TattoedLady · 31/05/2023 20:25

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:23

Is it worth me speaking to a separate solicitor about this?

DP has just informed me that if I cause more hassle in the divorce & cause more solicitor bills because I’m refusing to state the financials then he wants me to pay the solicitor bills myself. No thanks.

seriously having second thoughts about this relationship now.

Leech alert!!!

RUN.

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 31/05/2023 20:25

Unfortunately all these people are wrong. She can ask because you are living together and household income has a bearing on childcare payments. If you have a solicitor why are you not getting advice from them?

I'm confused what childcare costs are being incurred? The three children are all teens.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 31/05/2023 20:25

Buy your own home
Spend your own money on yourself.
Let him provide for his own bloody dc. Sadly he is using you op. Hopefully you can see that now..

Pasithean · 31/05/2023 20:25

Been there. Still there. 30 years later she’s retired and left the 7th man, second husband since she was married to DH. Now realises she has spent all her money and wants more. Never gave details 30 years ago or now. Ignore ignore ignore. She has no right to even know what you make.

Elephantscantjump · 31/05/2023 20:25

Yes! Get your own advice and look after yourself and your assets

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 31/05/2023 20:26

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:23

Is it worth me speaking to a separate solicitor about this?

DP has just informed me that if I cause more hassle in the divorce & cause more solicitor bills because I’m refusing to state the financials then he wants me to pay the solicitor bills myself. No thanks.

seriously having second thoughts about this relationship now.

Your gut is telling you second thoughts for a reason. I third the people saying they’re trying to shaft you now, after your update.

Floofydawg · 31/05/2023 20:26

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:23

Is it worth me speaking to a separate solicitor about this?

DP has just informed me that if I cause more hassle in the divorce & cause more solicitor bills because I’m refusing to state the financials then he wants me to pay the solicitor bills myself. No thanks.

seriously having second thoughts about this relationship now.

OMG do NOT allow him to suck you into this. He sounds worse and worse with every update you write. What a horrible man.

BishopRock · 31/05/2023 20:26

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:23

Is it worth me speaking to a separate solicitor about this?

DP has just informed me that if I cause more hassle in the divorce & cause more solicitor bills because I’m refusing to state the financials then he wants me to pay the solicitor bills myself. No thanks.

seriously having second thoughts about this relationship now.

This from a man who never got round to seeking a divorce himself. This could have been done and dusted years ago had he been sufficiently bothered.

Instead he's angry with you for not rolling over and doing as his ex says!

Don't just have second thoughts, OP, why on earth would you want to stay with such a spineless man.

lamaze1 · 31/05/2023 20:26

SooninBrisbane · 31/05/2023 19:17

Maybe they're working as a team to fleece you, OP?

This was my thought.

Either way he sounds dreadful. At best he is spineless. At worst he is manipulative. If he actually caters about you he wouldn't be annoyed with you, or be behaving so unreasonably in basically supporting his ex. You say he doesn't like confrontation, but it doesn't sound like he has any issue with making demands of you! Or guilt tripping you!

Mommasgotabrandnewbag · 31/05/2023 20:26

LeilaRose777 · 31/05/2023 19:03

Absolutely not! Do not give her any information about yourself whatsoever. I'm a bit puzzled by these two statements though:
"Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out."
"saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings."
So they split up four years ago and he never initiated divorce proceedings, but is now worried that the divorce will be delayed because he won't give her your private information? That bit doesn't make sense at all.

It makes complete sense. He wants to declare his partners earnings and savings so he personally is less impacted by any potential maintenance claim.

So he is refusing to get divorced on this basis.

OP never start a serious relationship with a man who is still married. I myself would not have stood for it.

They are both trying to fuck you over here.

Muggyoutthere · 31/05/2023 20:27

I’m so glad he isn’t living in your home but I do think you should get your own place asap as it doesn’t sound like either of them want to avoid dragging you in to all their drama.

He sounds really weak tbh OP and upsetting you is clearly the path of least resistance in his mind which doesn’t give a great idea of how he values you.

The fact he didn’t get round to a divorce until forced and now wants you to do as he says to make his life easier is not the type of man I would personally find attractive if I’m honest.

Get your money going into your own property and leave them to argue between themselves. And stop paying for his kids.

Original poster
Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:27

@SmirnoffIceIsNice

The youngest has just reached teen years and still goes to a holiday type club in the holidays etc - that’s what I meant. I don’t mean everyday childcare. He does have additional needs though so does need someone to be there during the day when we’re both working during the holidays.

OP posts:
OngoingConfidence · 31/05/2023 20:29

OP, it's not just a red flag, its a red sheet, and he's just handing it to you. I hope you reconsider this relationship

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 31/05/2023 20:29

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:23

Is it worth me speaking to a separate solicitor about this?

DP has just informed me that if I cause more hassle in the divorce & cause more solicitor bills because I’m refusing to state the financials then he wants me to pay the solicitor bills myself. No thanks.

seriously having second thoughts about this relationship now.

OP, get advice now. I dont trust this man at all. He might have snared you into a trap with his wife in cahoots. Please be careful and dump him. You deserve better.

BishopRock · 31/05/2023 20:30

He wants to declare his partners earnings and savings so he personally is less impacted by any potential maintenance claim.

What a peach of a man!

FairAcre · 31/05/2023 20:30

I think you really should get some legal advice of your own. You need to protect your salary and assets.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.