DP’s ex after my salary

[Needhelp1000]

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

@BetterFuture1985 well ok, maybe - but they are still quite capable of being abusive towards their new partners, n idea if this is art of the clinical picture but I will stay by my description - gross!

The OP isn't responsible for rescuing her ex-P even if he has been abused.

The roles in a drama triangle are persecutor, victim, and rescuer, and until the OP said "hell no" to ex-P's nagging and threats to make her pay his legal bills, she was the rescuer with the ex-P as victim and STBXW as persecutor. The relationship was stable because ex-P was content in the victim role and OP tolerated being the rescuer and so things seemed superficially OK. When OP said "hell no" to giving financial details, she stepped out of the rescuer role. Ex-P reacted by adopting some of the persecutor characteristics by chasing her for this information and issuing threats. This destabilisation of the drama triangle exposed that ex-P cannot see the OP as a full human, only as a rescuer (aka cash cow, aka meal ticket) and cannot defend himself effectively against STBXW's persecuting behaviour, adopting aspects of the persecutor role himself to avoid doing so. Ex-P is hence not a suitable person for anyone to date as he is only capable of holding the victim or persecutor roles in a relationship (either with a persecutor or a rescuer) and a relationship needs not to be based on drama triangle roles. I am not being harsh to ex-P: most Mumsnetters would recommend to a woman who had been abused that she takes the Freedom Programme and works on her sense of self-worth before starting another relationship; we would not recommend that she seek out a rescuer to date.

Please be careful I've just heard someone on FB say they've been caught out like this. She had met her partner at work and he told her he'd split from ex. They had 3 kids who he had 50% of the time too and he contributed most of the money towards them albeit from a dead end job he hated but ex didn't pay a lot. As she became involved she too started to contribute as she was on a much higher wage then was asked like you for her income to be shared. She was told by ex and the alleged partner both solicitors had insisted and she could be in trouble for not sharing. So she assumed it was the law. She did this for a year and even married him. He then left his dead end job and split with her. Returning to the ex. Before filing for martial support and child support against HER despite them not being her kids. Because she'd taken financial responsibility as a parent according to CS she needed to continue to support them, she was also made to pay him support due to not working. It turned out he knew this a d she only had it dropped after 3 years of paying out after fighting it in court. He was investigated after it turned out two other women were also paying similar support packages as well as a male the ex had set up with for some time. They'd made a lot of.money from it and were never seperate just willing to go to any length.

I'd say leave this cretin before he takes everything from you, Tell him you spoke to a solicitor and they've advised only his i come can legally be counted unless you are WILLING to include your own which your not and that the best advise he could give you si to leave him then seperate all finances quickly and leave.

It must be a rare thread in Legal that fills up, but I think you are going to do it, OP!

Remain resolute OP.

I doubt he will relinquish your usefulness easily.

Free childcare can be challenging to source...

You mind yourself

I agree it's not the OPs problem. I just don't want potential abuse victims being called revolting.

I'm more than happy to call someone who threatens to send his DP the legal bill for his divorce "revolting".

Traditionally when people are together they end up sharing the same finances so technically he was correct. Also, he sounds like he was under duress from a revolting ex and her equally revolting solicitor.

You really think some random woman trying to get the OP’s money is irrelevant?
Takes all sorts I suppose!

He was technically correct to ask for the info. He crossed the line into revolting when he threatened to make her pay for the solicitor's fees if she didn't supply that info. Threats are not how decent men solve problems.

Threats are not how decent men solve problems.

Absolutely this.

Especially when him not yet being divorced is entirely his own fault because he never even tried to get divorced. His ex initiated it after OP moved in.

Agree with @IncomingTraffic . All of this could have been avoided for op if he'd sorted everything out already.

1- Why has he not started divorce proceedings as soon as things got serious with you?
I dont understand why his ex has started divorce and not your partner.

2-Why is HE saying, by you not disclosing your financial situation he will delay divorce?
Is he serious about being with you, surely if he was, he would of started divorce proceedings and got his financial stuff worked out beforehand.
Your earnings and savings surely are nothing to do with his ex, i hope you are splitting all domestics too while hes with you.

My internal alarm bells are ringing!

I would not live with or marry this guy . Why not have a together but live apart relationship until the kids have grown up and left home

For the latecomers: OP has gone to stay with her brother for a bit, then has professional exams and is away with work, and has asked DP to leave her alone until she gets back. Lawyers on the thread have agreed that this is a common question in divorce proceedings but the general consensus is that the DP has been quite unpleasant to OP about all this, which isn’t acceptable. OP has various other alarm bells about the relationship and is buying her own place anyway, so is unlikely to move back in after this period away.

Good luck with your exams - and well done sorting out this emotional turnoil and standing up for yourself!

@SheilaFentiman thank you for the summary. I have been very worried about the OP. Hopefully the decision has been made to live apart.
If the stbexp has any true feelings for the OP he will apologise and leave the lady alone. She can do so much better and there are nice men out there. I posted up thread about joining a proper marriage bureau. That's what I would do. And not as expensive as paying for someone else's family.

I think OP is pressing pause for now to focus on her exams, but I think things will look quite different going forward!

Wishing you all the luck for your exams. I am sure you will smash them. You are amazing.

It is the shame both of them could not realise how fortunate they were to have someone so kind, and loving in the kids lives. I feel a bit sorry for them. You seem to have such a lovely bond with them.
Best of luck for the future.

I think it would be interesting to see if he would go for that sort of arrangement.
For me it's a perfect setup because you get the good bits of a relationship without being roped into being a free housekeeper.
I suspect that for the man in question the free housekeeper (along with all the other things that she does for him) is the bit of the relationship that he will want to keep
☝️👀
IMO when you live together it's much easier for one person to dominate the other person by keeping up a constant subtle pressure, pushing for what they want and what benefits them.

I posted up thread about joining a proper marriage bureau. That's what I would do. And not as expensive as paying for someone else's family.
lolz

But let's remember that a woman doesn't need a man in her life. He (theoretical man, not this man) should only be there if he brings positives.

@senua agreed. I have a lovely DH but I would never live with anyone again if he goes before me!
I mention the old school way as it worked for a friend of mine. She got lots of fortune hunters. The agency checked people out. It's not all bad shoes and fake tan. There are a few discrete establishments.

To save @BetterFuture1985 looking through the thread, the law is that Form E (financial disclosure) requires OP's partner to disclose whatever he knows about OP's income, assets and liabilities. Similarly, if his ex had a new partner, she would have to disclose his financial information.

In theory, having a partner reduces his needs, which is one of the factors considered in determining the financial settlement. OP's finances are unlikely to make much difference to the divorce and may not affect it at all, but failure to disclose could delay his divorce, could result in his ex getting more than if he had disclosed OP's finances and, in some circumstances, could leave the financial order vulnerable to challenge on the basis of non-disclosure.

I've always found the stance on who is responsible for what ridiculous.

A child over 18 is an adult - yet if they want to go to university parents are expected to help them and the amount the adult gets is determined by the parents income, which they are not obliged to give them.

A non-resident parent can reduce their maintenance due to living with children they are not responsible for, and presumably have their own NRP paying maintenance for them.

A new partners wages are taken into account in divorce proceedings when there are no legal ties. They aren't married, don't co-own the property etc. While the judge can decide OP could contribute more to their household to give her DPs ex more money, OP has absolutely zero requirement to do so. They could split on the day of the order and her DP has no recourse to support from OP when the financial order has handed what he would need over to his ex, relying that someone who cannot be held responsible will help out.

Thanks prhl. Hopefully not an issue if OP dumps him?