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Original poster

DP’s ex after my salary

1000 replies

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 18:57

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
LookAtThisMess · 31/05/2023 19:19

This sounds really dodgy. Personally I would end the relationship.

IncomingTraffic · 31/05/2023 19:20

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 19:16

@CatastrophicCat He has basically told me that if I don’t give my financials then the divorce cannot proceed and that it will be delayed.

I think he is trying to guilt trip me into giving across the details though because her solicitor is being insistent. Truth be told he doesn’t like confrontation and would quite happily provide them with the information needed.

He has just said that if I don’t give the details then she’ll get a court order out against me and it’ll cost me money lol!

Thanks for all your help.

This is HIS problem. Don’t let him gaslight you into believing it’s yours.

HE failed to divorce his wife before starting a new relationship and moving in with you. It’s not you causing any delay or difficulty there. He had plenty of time to sort his shit out before this.

I’d tell him in no uncertain terms that if his ex tries to take you to court, you will end the relationship and (because I’m going to guess it’s your house) he’ll be homeless.

Mama2six · 31/05/2023 19:20

He is most definitely a walking red flag, He is guilt tripping you and he sounds sneaky as hell, do yourself a favour and get yourself and your money out of that relationship do t give your details over ever

vipersnest1 · 31/05/2023 19:21

In the words of my DM 'tell her she can gorn run'. It's a slightly more polite way of saying fuck off.

Okshacky · 31/05/2023 19:22

Move out and tell him you’ll come back when he is divorced.

icelollycraving · 31/05/2023 19:23

My advice = 🏃‍♀️

Original poster
Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 19:24

Thanks all your help everyone, really helped with confirming the little doubts that I tried to bury to the back of my head.

feeling upset especially as I contribute to his children whilst they’re here, help look after them and even help pay for the youngest‘a childcare through a scheme at my work.

I’ve had to endure DP’s ex send shitty comments to him about me, including insulting me and my job - she thinks she’s in for a pretty penny because I’ve worked hard in my career and earn a comfortably salary. DP, who is never one for an argument, refuses to stand up to me and it’s evidently showing in this situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 19:25

Sorry meant to say he refuses to stand up for me, not stand up to me!

OP posts:
IncomingTraffic · 31/05/2023 19:25

Okshacky · 31/05/2023 19:22

Move out and tell him you’ll come back when he is divorced.

This is pretty good advice.

Is this relationship worth it? A not divorced man with an actual money-grabbing ex who works very PT despite having teenagers only 50% of the time who wants you to subsidise her. Those 3 teenagers living with you 50% of the time (and judging by your DP’s attitude here, I bet you end up picking up loads of the work related to that). A DP who is trying to guilt you into giving your financial information to his ex.

Surely you realise that you deserve better than this.

TheCreamTeaWasFromMe · 31/05/2023 19:26

He's talking complete shite.

I would seriously re-think your relationship with this man. Someone so conflict-averse that they would happily throw you under the bus rather than risk upsetting their Ex, is likely to cause you more grief in the future.

I would move out. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Date him until he gets divorced if you want to continue the relationship.

Hamfish · 31/05/2023 19:26

Move out and tell him you’ll come back when he is divorced

This is fraudulent and would invalidate any financial order agreed. A new partners salary can be included when considering how to divide marital assets, particularly as he now has someone to share costs with and she does not.

Redannie118 · 31/05/2023 19:27

I used to work for CMG. It wouldnt matter if you were the Queen, she has zero rights to your money and any assessment would be on his salary and savings alone. If you have a true 50/50 agreement with no overlap on her side she has no claim, however your partner is free to provide any financial support he chooses.

If your partner wants you to provide your financial details its because he wants to minimise his payments and have you pick up the slack for his responsiblities. This is a huge red flag OP. As for the divorce, he is living with you now, so technically he is commiting adultery( No judgement- just how the law sees it) and could push for a quick, clean break on those grounds. He is using the " no divorce" as blackmail to financially control you.

ThisGirlCab · 31/05/2023 19:27

Does your DP know your financial situation? If not. Could this be a ploy to find out how much you have?

His divorce can proceed without knowing your earnings so I'm suspicious.

TheCreamTeaWasFromMe · 31/05/2023 19:27

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 19:24

Thanks all your help everyone, really helped with confirming the little doubts that I tried to bury to the back of my head.

feeling upset especially as I contribute to his children whilst they’re here, help look after them and even help pay for the youngest‘a childcare through a scheme at my work.

I’ve had to endure DP’s ex send shitty comments to him about me, including insulting me and my job - she thinks she’s in for a pretty penny because I’ve worked hard in my career and earn a comfortably salary. DP, who is never one for an argument, refuses to stand up to me and it’s evidently showing in this situation.

No, no, no, no.

He's already got you paying towards his children and wants to roll over to placate his ex?

Run like your heels are on fire and your arse is catching. Seriously. Throw this one back.

IncomingTraffic · 31/05/2023 19:28

even help pay for the youngest‘a childcare through a scheme at my work.

STOP doing this.

I say that as a fool who did the same back when I qualified for childcare vouchers. Did he pay me back for the lost salary? No. Did he fuck me over in multiple ways? Yes. Did I have to put up with bullshit from his nasty ex? Yes.

A man who will let you pay his childcare bills but won’t stand up to his nasty ex is not a good partner.

You deserve far better than this.

BigglyBee · 31/05/2023 19:29

This is awful for you, but it might be a valuable and timely warning. You will never be a priority, and he is an utter invertebrate.

It's always harder to leave than to tell someone else to, but I really think that getting out now would save you years of heartache. This man is not the one for you, and there are far better ones out there if you still want one.

Berthatydfil · 31/05/2023 19:30

Wow he wins cock lodger of the year award from me. You are supporting him and his children and now he wants you to support his ex wife.
fuck that - I would be out of there as soon as I could.

Okshacky · 31/05/2023 19:32

It isn’t fraudulent to move out. OP isn’t married and she can leave when she likes.

Northernsoullover · 31/05/2023 19:32

He was an absolute fool to move in with you. He'll get a smaller settlement which he'll need when you chuck him out. You can do better. In fact, what a great excuse to ask him to move out!

VivaVivaa · 31/05/2023 19:34

OP, you sound lovely, but he is a humongous walking red flag and I can’t believe you don’t see it. At best he cares about you, but he’s a pushover who hasn’t got your back…at worst he’s attempting/achieving financially and emotionally abusing you. I would leave him and this whole sorry situation in a heartbeat.

MrsAnon6 · 31/05/2023 19:34

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 19:16

@CatastrophicCat He has basically told me that if I don’t give my financials then the divorce cannot proceed and that it will be delayed.

I think he is trying to guilt trip me into giving across the details though because her solicitor is being insistent. Truth be told he doesn’t like confrontation and would quite happily provide them with the information needed.

He has just said that if I don’t give the details then she’ll get a court order out against me and it’ll cost me money lol!

Thanks for all your help.

I'm pretty sure there's not a judge in the world who would give an order for that. She's just trying aggressive tactics to bully and scare. DO NOT give in n.

Tannedandfake · 31/05/2023 19:35

It’s not about ‘after your salary’
Its about if you and him are living together, then his housing needs are less than hers ( if than for example if she has 90% car and needs 3 bedrooms£

caringcarer · 31/05/2023 19:36

I'd be asking him to move out then. He can get the divorce and once finance orders are in place could move back in. Your assets are absolutely nothing to do with your boyfriend let alone his wife. I'd be making sure by living alone.

Shadowworry · 31/05/2023 19:36

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 19:16

@CatastrophicCat He has basically told me that if I don’t give my financials then the divorce cannot proceed and that it will be delayed.

I think he is trying to guilt trip me into giving across the details though because her solicitor is being insistent. Truth be told he doesn’t like confrontation and would quite happily provide them with the information needed.

He has just said that if I don’t give the details then she’ll get a court order out against me and it’ll cost me money lol!

Thanks for all your help.

This is nonsense total nonsense.

he shouldn’t be knowing your income and neither should she

he sounds like a right drip and happy to guilt trip you

your house

tell him to leave

WheelsUp · 31/05/2023 19:37

Which country are you in?
If it's England then your salary doesn't affect divorce.
Your partner is making the common mistake of thinking that you must obey the contents of a lawyer's letter. You can pay a solicitor to write whatever you want in a letter. It doesn't have to be legal, they will act as a letter writing service. One poster had a solicitor's letter demanding that she stops using her exh's surname 😂
There is a form where your partner and his ex disclose assets and debts. Like child maintenance, your financials don't come into it. Your partner's behaviour towards you is very concerning though. I hope that you haven't made a massive mistake

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