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Original poster

DP’s ex after my salary

1000 replies

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 18:57

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
ApolloandDaphne · 31/05/2023 19:53

Absolutely do not divulge your financials. You are in no way obliged to pay for his children.

Thehop · 31/05/2023 19:54

I could not be with someone that's either this wet, this thick or this dodgy.

move out until he's divorced this is way more stress than any man can be worth.

JenWillsiam · 31/05/2023 19:54

I would end it over this.

Your income is irrelevant. There’s no obligation from you at all.

Doggymummar · 31/05/2023 19:54

Oh it is! Sorry the advice seemed a bit visceral for legal. I neRLY weighed in myself

pinkyredrose · 31/05/2023 19:55

He has just said that if I don’t give the details then she’ll get a court order out against me and it’ll cost me money lol!

Are you sure he's the guy for you?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 31/05/2023 19:55

Sorry, but if all three children are teenaged, why are you needing to pay for childcare?

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 31/05/2023 19:55

housing situation - he has purchased his own place after they split. He gave her around 80 percent of the equity of the marital home so she could buy somewhere as she would only get a small mortgage

Well that was incredibly stupid of him, unless he's done this via a solicitor and she's agreed to a financial order, which strikes me as unlikely if she's talking finances now.

She will be entitled to a % of his new house, and if she's spend her equity, then he'll not be able to claim anything back from that

Niceseasidetown · 31/05/2023 19:55

He sounds at best weak, thick as shit and a manipulator.

Honestly why would you choose him out of all the possible lives you could be living?

Slunds like he's done a good job if encouraging you to think that it's his ex who is the problem and that he just hates confrontation.

This reads a lot bleaker than that.

TheCreamTeaWasFromMe · 31/05/2023 19:56

He’s not happy and is saying again and again that his ex will fight this and take me to court and I’m going to end up costing myself money and more importantly, him money.

And how, exactly, is his Ex going to take you to court? On what grounds? The fact that you are shagging the man she used to shag? It wouldn't get that far. She has zero right to your information.

Honestly, if this man is so truly intent on making you a casualty of his divorce then you really should run far, far away.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 31/05/2023 19:57

I wouldn't have moved in with a man who wasn't already going through the legal process of divorce.

Basically you were / are living with a married man who has 3 youngish children who he should be supporting. I assume he delayed the divorce to avoid the legal obligation to pay for them.

I'd reconsider this relationship and probably end it.

Floofydawg · 31/05/2023 19:58

IncomingTraffic · 31/05/2023 19:28

even help pay for the youngest‘a childcare through a scheme at my work.

STOP doing this.

I say that as a fool who did the same back when I qualified for childcare vouchers. Did he pay me back for the lost salary? No. Did he fuck me over in multiple ways? Yes. Did I have to put up with bullshit from his nasty ex? Yes.

A man who will let you pay his childcare bills but won’t stand up to his nasty ex is not a good partner.

You deserve far better than this.

100000% this. Stop paying anything towards his kids and get rid of him. He is a spineless twat who is massively taking the piss. I'm actually really angry for you now.

TheCreamTeaWasFromMe · 31/05/2023 19:58

As in move out and stay with friends or family until your new place completes. Then thank your lucky stars you didn't get any further entangled with this idiot.

If you are still hesitating, I'd strongly recommend you re-post this thread on the Step-parenting boards. The MNers there will give you the unvarnished truth - having been through it themselves - of what you are getting yourself into if your fella isn't 100% on your team.

TinkBevan · 31/05/2023 19:59

Christ OP,

id be doing the following:
moving out,
revoking the childcare vouchers
dumping his sorry ass…

could you imagine being married to him? He’d screw you over financially.

Solonge · 31/05/2023 19:59

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 18:57

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

My friends son went through this. When childcare is 50/50 there is no maintenance. He can get a no fault divorce in a matter of weeks. If there is nothing, other than being lazy, that is stopping her working, she wont be awarded any money. If you are worried move out for a few werks whilst he gets divorced.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 31/05/2023 19:59

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Well you should have asked him when you met him and kept on asking him.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 31/05/2023 20:00

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 19:48

I’ve just tried to broach the subject again. I said I wasn’t happy with him passing on the information and therefore asked him to deny answering to the solicitor.

He’s not happy and is saying again and again that his ex will fight this and take me to court and I’m going to end up costing myself money and more importantly, him money.

His solicitor has told him that I should disclose my details too.

housing situation - he has purchased his own place after they split. He gave her around 80 percent of the equity of the marital home so she could buy somewhere as she would only get a small mortgage.

I moved in with him and am not on the mortgage or deeds. I am currently in the process of buying my own property so that I own something.

I'd be dubious that his solicitor has told him that. Just sounds like another way of getting you to reveal the information.

Get out, quick.

Original poster
Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:00

Massive thanks to everyone for confirming what I thought. DP has now gone off in a massive huff after I stood my ground.

To the people saying I don’t deserve this, I agree. I honestly feel so angry at myself for getting involved with him - I feel a bit silly to be honest.

He is being spineless I’m afraid. He is terrified of upsetting his ex who is incredibly aggressive through her words. I honestly think he’s scared of her.

OP posts:
CatastrophicCat · 31/05/2023 20:00

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 19:16

@CatastrophicCat He has basically told me that if I don’t give my financials then the divorce cannot proceed and that it will be delayed.

I think he is trying to guilt trip me into giving across the details though because her solicitor is being insistent. Truth be told he doesn’t like confrontation and would quite happily provide them with the information needed.

He has just said that if I don’t give the details then she’ll get a court order out against me and it’ll cost me money lol!

Thanks for all your help.

He doesn't like confrontation with anyone else but is quite happy to risk pissing you off Hmm I would be questioning why keeping other people happy (and, crucially, off his back) is more important than your happiness OP. Might be a good question to ask him directly if you're so inclined, depends whether you think he's capable of self reflection and personal growth I suppose. As it stands he's a selfish prick who doesn't put you first and is cowardly enough to allow others to trample your boundaries, and you know you deserve better than that Flowers

Original poster
Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:00

@DeliciouslyDecadent yes I feel like an idiot now.

OP posts:
chezpopbang · 31/05/2023 20:02

Unfortunately all these people are wrong. She can ask because you are living together and household income has a bearing on childcare payments. If you have a solicitor why are you not getting advice from them?

BravoMyDear · 31/05/2023 20:02

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 19:50

@BravoMyDear He works full time. His ex only works 12 hours a week.

We even offered to have the kids more so she could work full time but she refused - she just states she doesn’t want to work full time.

we pay for everything for the kids and it seems we pay for most expenses even when the kids are with her.

Ah, sorry, I misread that bit in the OP. Still, I don’t think you should be contributing towards childcare, you’re not their parent (or even step-parent).

his ex will fight this and take me to court and I’m going to end up costing myself money and more importantly, him money where is he even getting this from? Pressuring you to cave is a huge red flag @Needhelp1000 and this comment is very telling of the type of person he is.

ThisGirlCab · 31/05/2023 20:02

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:00

@DeliciouslyDecadent yes I feel like an idiot now.

No, an idiot would have rolled over and given her details of your earnings. You can and will do better for yourself.

ladykale · 31/05/2023 20:02

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 19:24

Thanks all your help everyone, really helped with confirming the little doubts that I tried to bury to the back of my head.

feeling upset especially as I contribute to his children whilst they’re here, help look after them and even help pay for the youngest‘a childcare through a scheme at my work.

I’ve had to endure DP’s ex send shitty comments to him about me, including insulting me and my job - she thinks she’s in for a pretty penny because I’ve worked hard in my career and earn a comfortably salary. DP, who is never one for an argument, refuses to stand up to me and it’s evidently showing in this situation.

Why are you paying for his children at all? You're not even married. Why do women let themselves be taken for a fool.

Say no. Put extra cash into your savings. Do not spend it on his children

Original poster
Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:03

@DeliciouslyDecadent he pays pretty much everything for the kids. I help out with costs when the kids are here with us but even when the kids are with the ex, he’s paying for their clothes, their expenses, phones, computers etc etc… their eldest, who is always quite open with me, stated that their mum pays barely anything towards them.

OP posts:
DeliciouslyDecadent · 31/05/2023 20:03

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:00

@DeliciouslyDecadent yes I feel like an idiot now.

You're not but you might just be if you allow this to carry on as it is!

Stand up for yourself then run-fast.

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