My BF wants to sue me for custody of unborn child

[Figuresofdelight]

I need advice on this one. I found out i was pregnant after being for one year with my BF. I told him the day i found out and he looked horrified. The next day he declared i had to have an abortion because we're not ready. I am 35 and have been wondering for some time if i will ever be able to have a child. We don't (yet) live together with my BF. Of course i disagreed with him. It quickly turned nasty. He's been harassing le by phone and stalking me at my place for me to have the abortion. Now he says he will get revenge if I go through with pregnancy and refuse to have the abortion. He has seen a lawyer, and he intends to sue me and get full custody of the child the moment it comes into the world. He will say i have a history of MI.
All this is crushing me. How could he be so full of hatred and revenge, when he used to joke nonstop about having a cute baby to ourselves.
Can he really get custody. Should i have the abortion?

@ConfusedNoMore, here yes that advice makes sense.

In France? Not so much. If the OP was lying about the abortion and moving (in France), didn’t tell him but he happened to learn about it a few years down the line THEN she would be in the position where she would really loose the child.
French courts aren’t supportive of parents who alienate their children from the other parent, esp through lying, and EVEN WHEN said parent is abusive.

There has been quite a few cases like this where the mother had the child and never said a word (with usually the father not being aware) amd it didn’t go down well at all.

I wouldn’t dare take that risk tbh.

New development : after reading some of the posts here, i had made up my mind to get the abortion after all. However heartbreaking.
This evening he came to my mum's where i was staying to get away from his evening doorbell-ringing. He managed to get me out on the street and told me he may be ready to reconsider and support me in my choice of having the baby. After 2 months of being horrible and a crescendo of hate and revenge... I'm wondering wether i can still trust him?

Full custody. Lol. Most men don't even do 50/50.
Ignore.

He is not someone you want to have in your life. If you have the baby or not, you need to cut him out as much as possible.

What does he mean by ´support’? Does he mean he’ll stop harassing you? Does he expect you to come back to him and for the three of you to be a happy little family?
OP, he can’t just erase two months of horrendous behavior. What he is actually proposing and do you trust him to really stick to it?

@MananaTomorrow I guess I was talking hypothetically , that having this child with that man would be a huge risk, and trying to get away from him to do so would be the only way (in theory) I could see this being 'ok'. What you day is extremely concerning and absolutely @Figuresofdelight should take that on board.

It sounds like you have @Figuresofdelight However painful, I think you are making the only safe decision for your wellbeing. I'm sorry .

Why on earth would you think you could have any kind of relationship with someone who has treated you like this.
Do you really want your child being subjected to that?

Heavens. Don’t have an abortion because of this idiot.
How would you feel if this was your last chance to have a child. If you’re happy not to have kids that’s different. I’m in my 50’s and don’t regret not having children but some do.
I’m sorry you are not in the UK where you would have so much more support from this abuser.

@Figuresofdelight

New development : after reading some of the posts here, i had made up my mind to get the abortion after all. However heartbreaking. This evening he came to my mum's where i was staying to get away from his evening doorbell-ringing. He managed to get me out on the street and told me he may be ready to reconsider and support me in my choice of having the baby. After 2 months of being horrible and a crescendo of hate and revenge... I'm wondering wether i can still trust him?

No you can't. You'll be on a rollercoaster for the next 18 years (forever)

@Figuresofdelight

New development : after reading some of the posts here, i had made up my mind to get the abortion after all. However heartbreaking. This evening he came to my mum's where i was staying to get away from his evening doorbell-ringing. He managed to get me out on the street and told me he may be ready to reconsider and support me in my choice of having the baby. After 2 months of being horrible and a crescendo of hate and revenge... I'm wondering wether i can still trust him?

no he hasnt changed, hes playing the game,. Getting you past that abortion end stage and hes about to ruin your life.

Its hard, but get the abortion, do not put your child through this its hell

@Figuresofdelight

New development : after reading some of the posts here, i had made up my mind to get the abortion after all. However heartbreaking. This evening he came to my mum's where i was staying to get away from his evening doorbell-ringing. He managed to get me out on the street and told me he may be ready to reconsider and support me in my choice of having the baby. After 2 months of being horrible and a crescendo of hate and revenge... I'm wondering wether i can still trust him?

He’s playing you If he had ever ,loved you or this unborn child you wouldn’t have ever stated this thread

Sorry but do not have a child with him.

Of course you can't trust him.

He is threatening, abusive and manipulative. He's dangerous.

Time to develop some self respect and free yourself of him, whatever you decide to do about the baby.

@Figuresofdelight

New development : after reading some of the posts here, i had made up my mind to get the abortion after all. However heartbreaking. This evening he came to my mum's where i was staying to get away from his evening doorbell-ringing. He managed to get me out on the street and told me he may be ready to reconsider and support me in my choice of having the baby. After 2 months of being horrible and a crescendo of hate and revenge... I'm wondering wether i can still trust him?

you cannot trust him. This is him playing with you. Have a termination. Don't tell him - or at most text "I am no longer pregnant". Block him and move on. Don't discuss, don't tell him you terminated. Don't give him any information - he will use it as a stick to beat you with

@Figuresofdelight

He managed to get me out on the street and told me he may be ready to reconsider and support me in my choice of having the baby. After 2 months of being horrible and a crescendo of hate and revenge... I'm wondering wether i can still trust him?

He is manipulating you.

He is invading your space and getting into your head and placing his own thoughts there.

At the moment you have control but, watch him change once you are past the point you can terminate (if that's what you decide to do). Remember also that he will be firmly in your life, and your child's life, for the next 18+ years.

Whatever you do will be hard but think carefully about the consequences of your next actions. Strength to you OP. 🌹

@Figuresofdelight my friend lives in France and has been going through a ''custody'' dispute with her ex. From what I know the French courts are similar to the UK ones in the their approach with 2 notable differences...

1. Not paying child support is not acceptable
2. Abusive behaviour has a significant impact on child visitation decisions (unlike in the UK!)

Your ex sounds awful to be honest and very manipulative. Please think very carefully before you trust a man who has treated you so badly. I forgave a lot during my pregnancy & took my ex back numerous times.. it was the worst mistake I made. Once our child was born, he did everything he threated me with during my pregnancy and much much worse.

It sounds like he's trying to scare you into having an abortion. First of all he's demanding you have one. Then saying he wants full custody. He doesn't want full custody. He's trying to scare you. I've just seen you're in France. I really hope there are support services over there that can help you with this. Do you have friends and family you can talk to?

I'm sorry but I wouldn't have a child with him. He's absolutely vile and he would make your life a misery. You are too young to tie yourself down to someone like this.

You have seen his true colours. He may have turned nice for now but you know how quickly he could snap back. Personally I would terminate. I know it's awful but I couldn't put myself of a baby in this situation. It will be forever volatile

Well the reality is you went to your mums to get away, and he still followed you....
No. You can't trust him one bit.

Tell him to leave you alone for 2 weeks whilst you think things through. Book the termination appointment and it will give you time to consider. His behaviour during that short window will be very telling.

But in your shoes, I wouldn't make a choice that results in being tied to him forever.

OP, I hope you’ve had a good week since your last post.
I think he’s realised his harassment of you isn’t going to make him look good in court or he’s realised what having a baby full one entails so is making it look like he’s being gracious saying you can share custody.

As awful as it sounds, I would think having a termination to free yourself from this man, then doing something like looking into a sperm donor to have a child by yourself as a single parent might be helpful.

But you shouldn’t be in the awful position of having to choose that to keep away from this man. In the U.K., ringing your doorbell every night would have police involvement for harassment and stalking, and how is that ever going to look good at court.

[quote Pinkyxx]@Figuresofdelight my friend lives in France and has been going through a ''custody'' dispute with her ex. From what I know the French courts are similar to the UK ones in the their approach with 2 notable differences...

1. Not paying child support is not acceptable
2. Abusive behaviour has a significant impact on child visitation decisions (unlike in the UK!)

Your ex sounds awful to be honest and very manipulative. Please think very carefully before you trust a man who has treated you so badly. I forgave a lot during my pregnancy & took my ex back numerous times.. it was the worst mistake I made. Once our child was born, he did everything he threated me with during my pregnancy and much much worse.[/quote]
What did he do? Do you regret keeping the baby?

Hello all, I'm back on here and seemingly back to where i started. After a week of calm, i asked him to come with me to my first big scan. He was cold and hard throughout. Now he's back to threatening me with the courts if i keep the baby... will this ever end?

@Figuresofdelight so you have decided to keep the baby? I'm worried for you.

I think the worst thing you could've possibly have done was asking him to go to the scan with you.

Cut him out of your life NOW!!!! This isn't a game anymore.

If you are deciding to keep the child your sole responsibility is their welfare and your physical and mental health. You cannot maintain that with him on the scene.