My BF wants to sue me for custody of unborn child

[Figuresofdelight]

I need advice on this one. I found out i was pregnant after being for one year with my BF. I told him the day i found out and he looked horrified. The next day he declared i had to have an abortion because we're not ready. I am 35 and have been wondering for some time if i will ever be able to have a child. We don't (yet) live together with my BF. Of course i disagreed with him. It quickly turned nasty. He's been harassing le by phone and stalking me at my place for me to have the abortion. Now he says he will get revenge if I go through with pregnancy and refuse to have the abortion. He has seen a lawyer, and he intends to sue me and get full custody of the child the moment it comes into the world. He will say i have a history of MI.
All this is crushing me. How could he be so full of hatred and revenge, when he used to joke nonstop about having a cute baby to ourselves.
Can he really get custody. Should i have the abortion?

So it’s possible to have an abortion up until 12 weeks gestation, which is the same as 14 weeks pregnant or 14 weeks since your last period.
www.service-public.fr/particuliers/vosdroits/F1551

@Diggersaursarethebest

OP, Why don’t you book an appointment to see either your gp (médecin traitant’) or a midwife (sage-femme indépendante) - independant just means a midwife who’s not attached to a hospital. They do women’s health stuff like smears and contraception as well as pregnancy appointments and post-birth care for mums and babies. It’s normal in France to start seeing a midwife or dr in early pregnancy - they like to see you once a month in the first and second trimesters (suivi de grossesse). You could tell either a gp or a midwife about your ex. They will know exactly where to find the info you need. They will be able to refer you to perinatal mental health services if you need that. They will be able to help you organize an abortion if that’s what you want. A midwife definitely does these kinds of appointments. Some gps do and some don’t. If your gp does some women’s health stuff and you have a good relationship with them then they ‘d also be a good bet.

Yes I could do that. I already spoke with a family planning person but it didn't help me at all to make up my mind. I mentioned the fact my partner didn't want the child to my GP and gynaecologist but though they were supportive they did not lean either way. I have an appointment to get legal advice from townhall on Feb 1st.

Where in France are you based OP? If you send me a message I'll direct you to a secret fb group which deals with (getting away from) abusive men. Is this man French born or foreign born? I'm so sorry you're going through this. If you want to keep the baby, keep it. Do you work?

[quote Diggersaursarethebest]So it’s possible to have an abortion up until 12 weeks gestation, which is the same as 14 weeks pregnant or 14 weeks since your last period.
www.service-public.fr/particuliers/vosdroits/F1551[/quote]
Only have 3 weeks left...

Spite I assume. When I was 23 weeks pregnant I found out he was in another relationship with a girl I knew! We were still together when I found out about the other girl and he was cheating on me but I have no idea how long it was going on before I found out. I was of course fuming and jealous and when baby was born I wouldn't allow her to be around my son. Then because it was my choice to put my son in daycare and because I chose his name and wouldn't give baby his surname.

He did see his son but because I wouldn't allow the girlfriend around him was the reason he apparently took me to court, but the court sided with me and said they should be together at least 6 months before child is introduced etc but they broke up like 2 months after the court case anyway😂 the case started when my son was around 4 months old but didn't actually goto court until he was 7 months old.

You can also see an assistante sociale for guidance on your legal standpoint. I would also porte plainte contre X because this man is threatening you and you may need police help. Are you British or French born?:x

They can’t help you make up your mind about whether or not to keep this pregnancy but they can give you all the answers to your questions about custody. Sorry if any of the info I’ve linked is stuff you already know - your first post sounded like you were not familiar with the system and could do with some signposting. Courage. Your bf is a cunt and he should most definitely be your EXbf, whatever you choose to do.

I’m so sorry OP, how awful. He sounds insane.

Go no contact. Do not put him on the birth certificate… Deny it is his to anyone official.

Can you move areas? Honestly if I could have my first again I would pack my bump and run rather than spend years dealing with the twat

@CaMePlaitPas

Where in France are you based OP? If you send me a message I'll direct you to a secret fb group which deals with (getting away from) abusive men. Is this man French born or foreign born? I'm so sorry you're going through this. If you want to keep the baby, keep it. Do you work?

How do i send a private message?

do i want to share my whole life as a parent with a man like this? Is it worth the risk?

This is the question that you need to answer. Because it sounds very much like he will be equally involved in the child’s upbringing.

It’s a big choice to make that decision for the child to have that kind of father, as well as for you to have that level of heavy involvement with someone like this for the rest of your days. Parenting can be such a wonderful experience when done with a great partner. This man sounds like he will make your parenting experience miserable from before the baby is even born.

He’s already ruining it for you now.

i hate to say this; i would abort.

unless you can move countries (you said you cant?), i would abort and be glad this man is out of your life forever.

i say that as someone who has experience miscarriages too, but i would not want to bring this baby into the world with a psycho like that

OP are you British? I would seriously think about coming to the UK to have the baby if so. In any case I would think about moving away from your ex before the baby is born.

@RogerDodger

He’s already ruining it for you now.

It's true...

Does France have the equivalent of womens aid or the citizens advice you can approach? Keep all texts and any proof you have that he is harassing you into an abortion just in case.

I think he is just trying to force you into an abortion. Do not reply to anything. Do you have friends or family you can go to stay at for a week or so just to get away from him for a bit?

@Figuresofdelight, click on the "Message poster" just above the message to send a PM.

Might you want to move back to UK at any point before the child is 18? If so, you need to do so before it is born. Once child born, if custody shared, likely to be difficult to leave France.

I have to say, if I was in your shoes; I wouldn't want to spend effectively the rest of my life linked to a man like that and would not have the baby.

I'd also not want to put a child in the middle of a situation like that, forever being pushed and pulled and used as a weapon. (Him, not you obvs)

You are still young & can have a child with someone who wants to be with and support you. Life is to short.

But that's me, you have to do what you want.

Good luck x

Document EVERYTHING. Was this in writing. Save it - dates, times, everything. There is no WAY he can force you to have an abortion.

@Figuresofdelight, to send a private message to someone (such as CaMePlaitPas), you click on "Message poster" in the blue bar above their post. Just be careful what you say and avoid giving any personal details about yourself. I have no reason to believe that CaMePlaitPas is not posting in good faith, but you can never be too careful sending private messages to strangers on the Internet, and assuming they are in good faith, they will be happy to help you whilst keeping it anonymous. If they point you to any resources such as a FB group you will be able to check them out independently on your own before joining. Good luck!

I'm pretty sure it's not possible in France. I've been through courts here endlessly and family court is a pretty sensible low key place.

Get yourself a lawyer - where are you? Someone may well have a recommendation for you.

@Wallywobbles

I'm pretty sure it's not possible in France. I've been through courts here endlessly and family court is a pretty sensible low key place.

Get yourself a lawyer - where are you? Someone may well have a recommendation for you.

I'm in the Paris region

Don't abort a baby that you want just because your ex is abusive. He doesn't want full custody. He wants to bully you. Seek legal/police advice about his harassment. Don't put in writing that he is the father because without a DNA test you don't know for sure. Make it as difficult as possible for him. He will give up. He wants control not a baby.

But if you do go to court go for blood the first time. So no parental responsibility for him at all. Don't dick around being nice go the whole hog. I spent 9 years in court and it was shit.
If we'd been a lot meaner right from the start it would have been much quicker.
You want him very wary of taking you back to court.
Mine told the judge I was on "stupéfiants" and that he wanted our 2&3 year olds taken into care. That was his opening gambit!
So go with a very complete dossier witness statements. Doctors statements. Psych statements (all viewed positively). All his texts and threats. I was allowed to introduce into evidence a recorded (phone call) death threat.