My BF wants to sue me for custody of unborn child

[Figuresofdelight]

I need advice on this one. I found out i was pregnant after being for one year with my BF. I told him the day i found out and he looked horrified. The next day he declared i had to have an abortion because we're not ready. I am 35 and have been wondering for some time if i will ever be able to have a child. We don't (yet) live together with my BF. Of course i disagreed with him. It quickly turned nasty. He's been harassing le by phone and stalking me at my place for me to have the abortion. Now he says he will get revenge if I go through with pregnancy and refuse to have the abortion. He has seen a lawyer, and he intends to sue me and get full custody of the child the moment it comes into the world. He will say i have a history of MI.
All this is crushing me. How could he be so full of hatred and revenge, when he used to joke nonstop about having a cute baby to ourselves.
Can he really get custody. Should i have the abortion?

You could also contact the British Embassy in Paris for help. Their consular section will have a lot of experience in dealing with child custody cases. At very least they will provide you with some advice and also a list of experienced local lawyers you could reach out to. They can also refer you to charities and other organizations that can help you, both in France or back in the UK

I'm in Normandy so probably too far away but maybe worth a call. My lawyer was stupendous - Vanessa Lemarechal at Piro Vinas Associates in Lisieux. My ex finally lost everything and was banned from taking us back to court.

Because you aren't married, he doesn't get parental rights to the child unless he claims it.

He doesn't have to have anything to do with the child but as you say he is being vengeful.

Focus your legal advice on the fact that he is pressurising you to abort and threatening you if you don't. Stalking etc. And call the police when he stalks you or comes round so you can start to create a record of behaviour.

The harassment limits are v v low in France for eg 5 phone calls would count as harassment.

@Figuresofdelight

I don't live in Britain. His lawyer told him he could get custody. We aren't married. He doesn't want this child but wants to get back at me... my whole life.

As if a great big self-centred, man-baby like that would last a week with primary custody of a small child.

You have no idea what his lawyer said or if he even has one. You only know the gubbins he is telling you to try to bully you into line. Block his number. Save emails and any other evidence of harassment.

You must realise that he is bluffing and that he is an unsuitable parent for a child. Cut him off, collect your evidence, move if necessary. He won’t follow through and even if he tries he wouldn’t get anywhere (assuming you are in a country with sensible laws). You’re not somewhere like UAE, are you?

@seven7sisters

I have to say, if I was in your shoes; I wouldn't want to spend effectively the rest of my life linked to a man like that and would not have the baby.

I'd also not want to put a child in the middle of a situation like that, forever being pushed and pulled and used as a weapon. (Him, not you obvs)

You are still young & can have a child with someone who wants to be with and support you. Life is to short.

But that's me, you have to do what you want.

Good luck x

I hate to say it but I feel the same. Having a baby with this man means being tied to him for life - intensely so in the next 18 years. He sounds horrendous between the pressure to abort and the threats to take your newborn from you. I would think very carefully about how this will play out and how much stress it will put on you for the pregnancy and in the future. The chances of him simply disappearing and losing interest are not high.

can also see how you don''t want to be forced into an abortion because of his abuse. Best of luck whatever you decide.

@seven7sisters

I have to say, if I was in your shoes; I wouldn't want to spend effectively the rest of my life linked to a man like that and would not have the baby.

I'd also not want to put a child in the middle of a situation like that, forever being pushed and pulled and used as a weapon. (Him, not you obvs)

You are still young & can have a child with someone who wants to be with and support you. Life is to short.

But that's me, you have to do what you want.

Good luck x

Totally agree with this, sadly.

I haven't read the rest but listen up and do this:

-Do not put him on the birth certificate
-Keep a record of everything. Back up all screenshots, download a call recording app and record any calls he makes do you, keep a diary of everything and date it
-Call Women's Aid and request a support worker due to the abuse you are suffering.
-Call the police and report his stalking, threats and harassment.
-Block him on everything and refuse any engagement with him.
-If he turns up, call the police.
-Report what is happening to your midwife
-Tell friends and family what is going on.

This will help you build an evidence base in the event he tries to take you to court. Keep everything. Don't engage. Get support from WA and police immediately.

@danorak

I haven't read the rest but listen up and do this:

-Do not put him on the birth certificate
-Keep a record of everything. Back up all screenshots, download a call recording app and record any calls he makes do you, keep a diary of everything and date it
-Call Women's Aid and request a support worker due to the abuse you are suffering.
-Call the police and report his stalking, threats and harassment.
-Block him on everything and refuse any engagement with him.
-If he turns up, call the police.
-Report what is happening to your midwife
-Tell friends and family what is going on.

This will help you build an evidence base in the event he tries to take you to court. Keep everything. Don't engage. Get support from WA and police immediately.

She is in France

Would it help to stop calling him your boyfriend?

He's rather lost any claim to THAT honour, hasn't he?

Gather every single piece of documentary evidence - emails, screenshot texts, answerphone messages etc, and record any phone calls.

Although I would personally block him so all communication now has to be via documented emails.

@Figuresofdelight

I don't live in Britain. His lawyer told him he could get custody. We aren't married. He doesn't want this child but wants to get back at me... my whole life.

Can you just get on a plane? Just go?

OP a few posters have suggested coming to the UK, are you originally British or have a right to reside here, or have family here who would help?

He probably hasn't even got a lawyer.

He sounds like a little boy making silly threats because he's lost control of a situation.

It's OK OP, no need to message. I'll try to direct you on the board, are you in Paris?

Call 3919, national domestic violence helpline. They will advise and also signpost you to local support orgnisations that can provide legal, social and psychological support. Also try to get through to the CAF and make an appointment with a social worker who can help set up benefits and financial support. Phone a lawyer and appy for aide juridictionelle in case you need it. You can also contact a "centre medico social" that will support and help set up protection for you and they are often linked to PMI (protection maternelle et infantile) that provides free healthcare for mothers and babies.
Document everything, if he threatens, do a "main courante" each time at the police station so that you leave a paper trail everywhere.
No one will make an decision for you about keeping a pregnancy but make sure you do what you want so that you can be at peace with your decision either way.
Good luck!

There is no way in any European country that having depression would be grounds to remove a child from the mother's care. In the UK we even have special mental health wards for mothers with young babies. He would have to prove that the baby would be neglected or come to harm. 1 in 4 people have a mental illness, does he think 1 in 4 mothers lose custody?!

Keep the texts to show he's an abusive cunt

I’d be very tempted to get a termination if you can’t move far away. The thought of being tied to a man like this for the next 18 years is awful.

I call bullshit on what he's saying. Do you know for a fact whether he's even seen a lawyer? I think he's made it up in order to coerce you into an abortion.

Unless you can guarentee you will not be tied to this man (as in, no contact or involvement whatsoever) I'd abort. If only for your sanity

Slightly different as I can't speak to how your guy has been abusive to you... but My biological dad was evil. Pure evil. My mum ran to a different part of the UK when I was 5 due to it. She was forced to let him have access due to different damn laws :/ .

One of my strongest memories is age 6 screaming and crying not to get dressed to go with him, whilst my mum yelled and cried that I had to. It was awful.

Re manipulation/spite .... When I had to go for overnights she would have frequent harrasing phone calls at midnight ect telling her I was ill or hurt or in pain (knowing she couldn't drive and he was across the border with me! But i was actually fine and asleep!) There was also the threat hanging over that if something did happen to me, he would fight her judgment on any medical decisions. I could go abroad at 13 with school, only cause he died. If he hadn't dropped dead I wouldn't have been allowed foreign travel til 18.

At one point he made threats to take me away for good, and kill anyone who got i his way. (mum was in court that day) and my cousin with a police escort had to take me out of school because police + the bloody courts knew he was a monster and it was a legit threat. still insisted on 50/50 though -.- as he hadn't abused me.

Eventually we moved to a different part of the UK and thank god the devil got bored or too busy with drugs and booze and didn't look for us. When I was 12. He finally died. A year later my mum was sectioned after having a breakdown. 14 years later she is still on medication, top psychologists have said she's so traumatised it's hard to do any work with her.

The only safety my mum had was when he died. Heck. The only safety I had was the relief he was dead and wouldn't be able to kill my mum now.

I know she's glad to have me as I'm what made her leave eventually....

I would honestly rather abort if my relationship turned abusive. Everything legally ect is so damn hard to prove especially with the rigid emphasis on 50/50. It wouldn't be worth my sanity to deal with being tied to someone like that.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

@Figuresofdelight

I don't live in Britain. His lawyer told him he could get custody. We aren't married. He doesn't want this child but wants to get back at me... my whole life.

Where do you live? In some countries the father would automatically get custody.

Just seen it's France so you will be fine. I would block and ignore him until baby is here, then see what contact arrangements you can cone up with between you. If that's not satisfactory a d he wants to go down the legal route, it will be for the court to decide

Unless you are walking outside howling at the moon and telling authorities you are Joan of Arc they aren't going to take your baby away. I can't see how France will be much different in their stance to the UK.

I had a hard enough time getting 50/50 of a toddler and that was with someone who evidenced significant levels of depravity and self-centeredness.

Thank you to all for your incredible support... I now have to make the hard decision. 💐

I'm sorry @Figuresofdelight. It will be very difficult whatever you decide. But please think about what it will mean if this man is in your life forever as the other parent. Co-parenting with an abusive ex is hell.

I would seriously lie through your teeth and move as far away as possible if you decide to keep the baby. Even if you do this, you will have questions to answer when the child grows up.

If you decide not to continue with the pregnancy, it is your choice and your choice alone. Not that piece of shit ex. If it is the right choice for you, nobody would judge you and I wish you much peace and strength.

@ConfusedNoMore

I think I'd like through my teeth frankly. Tell him you have done it. Then move. Preferably to another country. Block him on everything. Obviously do not name him on birth certificate.

God what a bastard.

Absolutely this, I wish I had done the same. He sounds dangerous.