My BF wants to sue me for custody of unborn child

[Figuresofdelight]

I need advice on this one. I found out i was pregnant after being for one year with my BF. I told him the day i found out and he looked horrified. The next day he declared i had to have an abortion because we're not ready. I am 35 and have been wondering for some time if i will ever be able to have a child. We don't (yet) live together with my BF. Of course i disagreed with him. It quickly turned nasty. He's been harassing le by phone and stalking me at my place for me to have the abortion. Now he says he will get revenge if I go through with pregnancy and refuse to have the abortion. He has seen a lawyer, and he intends to sue me and get full custody of the child the moment it comes into the world. He will say i have a history of MI.
All this is crushing me. How could he be so full of hatred and revenge, when he used to joke nonstop about having a cute baby to ourselves.
Can he really get custody. Should i have the abortion?

OP a French court won’t grant him Full Custody either. Do you speak French fluently? I’ll have a look for some info for you.

I am very sorry but I think this is another threat to try and get you to have an abortion. Is there a chance he might be married?

France sounds pretty similar to the UK: e-justice.europa.eu/302/EN/parental_responsibility__child_custody_and_contact_rights?FRANCE&member=1#:~:text=The%20principle%20of%20joint%20parenting,decisions%20affecting%20the%20child%20together.

Might be worth keeping any evidence you have of these threats (texts, emails, phone calls). It won't look good for him if it came to court.

I'm already keeping a record of his texts. I was hospitalized once for depression and he knows this about me. He also knows i take meds for it. I can't really move as i wouldn't have enough to pay high rent if a baby comes along. This place i get for low rent. My mum lives close by and is supportive of whichever choice i will make.
I dont feel up to lying about having had the abortion. I just can't. It's probably stupid.
It's also stupid to have a child with a psycho i suppose.

e-justice.europa.eu/302/EN/parental_responsibility__child_custody_and_contact_rights?FRANCE&member=1#:~:text=The%20principle%20of%20joint%20parenting,decisions%20affecting%20the%20child%20together

So how is he going to prove he is the father? Are you in the kind of country that carries out forcible dna tests? I'm pretty sure France doesn't.

He's issuing threats because he doesn't want to have to support a child. He's also talking bollocks. Is he going to give up his career to stay home and change nappies of a baby he doesn't want? Of course not.
He's a nasty abusive bully. Block all communication. Keep all his threats and nasty emails..
Then take the decision based purely on your wishes, knowing that you will be going it alone. Best wishes op

So sorry your going through this! My ex took me to court for custody but it wasn't granted as there's absolutely no reason for child not to be in my care.

My advice would be to keep note of every conversation try and record discreetly, screenshot every message snd have it printed for back up, make note of anything on a phone call. My ex never stood a chance of custody. He tried to use my age against me as I was only 17 and he was 20 but it backfired everything went in my favour.

He was awarded contact and I chose the days so my son goes 4 hours on a Tuesday after school and over night on a Saturday from 5PM to 5PM on Sunday.

I wouldn't want a DC with a nasty person, either, OP.
He'd be tied to you for ever. He's shown you who he is now.

Thank you so much.
Unfortunately he is just the type who can decide he wants to raise a child he didn't want and set his mind to it for 18 years. More dogged, obstinate a man i have never met. It's what makes him so liable to harass and stalk.

[quote ditalini]e-justice.europa.eu/302/EN/parental_responsibility__child_custody_and_contact_rights?FRANCE&member=1#:~:text=The%20principle%20of%20joint%20parenting,decisions%20affecting%20the%20child%20together[/quote]
Thank you for the reference

Men sometimes talk shit when in shock. It is extremely unlikely he will want a custody of a child he doesn’t want anyway. This is just to scare you.
It’s a control tactic, he’s full of shif.

Sorry should have said my son was only 7 months old when it went to court, he did have contact with his son but I sort of called all the shots etc like I chose my sons name, he went to daycare very young as I went back to school after I had him and he didn't like the fact he was in daycare, I think my ex was just jealous that I made all the decisions without his point of view but we didn't have a good relationship at the time.

We get along now and things have improved a lot

If there is any way to get to the UK or another country while you are pregnant, do.

@cjadeh1999

Sorry should have said my son was only 7 months old when it went to court, he did have contact with his son but I sort of called all the shots etc like I chose my sons name, he went to daycare very young as I went back to school after I had him and he didn't like the fact he was in daycare, I think my ex was just jealous that I made all the decisions without his point of view but we didn't have a good relationship at the time.

We get along now and things have improved a lot

Was he ever threatening? Talking of waging "war" on you etc.?

Block him now. Make decisions based on what's best for you without his noise.

He might try for custody. Its unlikely he'd get it.

www.service-public.fr/particuliers/vosdroits/N19805
Under ´enfant’ read through the sections called naissance’ ´authorité parentale’ and ´separation des parents’
Assuming you’re not married, the father has to register the fact that he’s the father of the baby before they are 1 yr old to be given parental responsibility (autorité parentale). Mum’s get this automatically when the birth is recorded (unless a mother actively chooses to relinquish her child at birth). If he waits longer to ´recognize’ his child, he can still be officially registered as the baby’s father and get parental responsibility but he has to ask a family court judge for this.
There is info describing the French equivalent of having one resident parent and one non resident parent with something like every other weekend and school holiday contact and also some info on shared 50/50 care.
There is nothing at all to suggest father’s can demand 100% custody.
I’m sure it occasionally happens when mothers are deemed by the family court to be unable to care for their child. But the judge would decide that, your bf/ex can’t just decide to make up pr exaggerate Mental Health issues for you.
It doesn’t say anything about it on this page but I’m pretty sure they don’t separate newborn infants from their mum’s in France either. This info is really about children and not tiny newborn babies.

Pretty sure French law isn't that dissimilar to the U.K. with 50/50 preferred but not until kids are a bit older. My friend had to really fight for any access from his ex. Can't you get the French equivalent of a nonmolestation order?

So….
1- judges are quite hot in France with ensuring that both parents are actively involved with the child so in that way, he is right that he can and will get some involvement p.
2- because it’s France, you need to keep a written record of everything.
3- go and see a lawyer to get your own advice.
4- reach out to as many people as possible about his behaviour.
Eg go and see a psychologist to get support because of his harassment. From a BRITISH perspective it sounds over the top. From a French pov, you will have a proof that his behaviour affected you badly, that he is unstable etc…
5- because of point 1- there is no way he will get full custody of the child.

Most importantly, go and see a lawyer!

Of course another way, is to move away.
What I would NOT do in France is to tell him you had an abortion when you hadn’t. Because if he finds out, then you are likely to end up in that exact situation where you will or be the NRP and he will the child more or less full time.

Threats that weren't realistic. Said I would never see a birthday or Christmas as he was taking him away from me and before he was born threats about baby not having his surname, tried to tell me it was illegal for him to not be present at birth. There's a lot more behind the story of why I didn't want him at the birth.

I was on a low income at the time, I was 17 and still in school and he tried to use this against me and my son will only ever need him as I won't ever be able to do anything for him.

Now I can drive/own a car (he can't drive)
I have a house it's rented but even still while he still lives with his parents
I've been to university and now have a teaching job while he's a sales assistant in a supermarket.

Not that any of the above counts but I just love the fact I am doing better than him after everything he said to try and put me down

He's recently stopped ringing my doorbell every evening, maybe because his sollicitor told him to stop.
What all of you have been saying is kind of reassuring, but true enough do i want to share my whole life as a parent with a man like this? Is it worth the risk?

Ha now that is a good question.

It also shows that his tactics are working :(

OP, Why don’t you book an appointment to see either your gp (médecin traitant’) or a midwife (sage-femme indépendante) - independant just means a midwife who’s not attached to a hospital. They do women’s health stuff like smears and contraception as well as pregnancy appointments and post-birth care for mums and babies. It’s normal in France to start seeing a midwife or dr in early pregnancy - they like to see you once a month in the first and second trimesters (suivi de grossesse). You could tell either a gp or a midwife about your ex. They will know exactly where to find the info you need. They will be able to refer you to perinatal mental health services if you need that. They will be able to help you organize an abortion if that’s what you want.
A midwife definitely does these kinds of appointments. Some gps do and some don’t. If your gp does some women’s health stuff and you have a good relationship with them then they ‘d also be a good bet.

@cjadeh1999

Threats that weren't realistic. Said I would never see a birthday or Christmas as he was taking him away from me and before he was born threats about baby not having his surname, tried to tell me it was illegal for him to not be present at birth. There's a lot more behind the story of why I didn't want him at the birth.

I was on a low income at the time, I was 17 and still in school and he tried to use this against me and my son will only ever need him as I won't ever be able to do anything for him.

Now I can drive/own a car (he can't drive)
I have a house it's rented but even still while he still lives with his parents
I've been to university and now have a teaching job while he's a sales assistant in a supermarket.

Not that any of the above counts but I just love the fact I am doing better than him after everything he said to try and put me down

Well done! Why did he want to keep the baby so much though? Or was it spite? The thing is, the man I'm with is 35, not 20, and has no excuse for behaving like that.

I doubt he has the slightest intention of wanting the baby full time. He is just trying to bully you.

That’s not to say he won’t be a pain in the ass mind.

Abortion in France is only legal in the first trimester (12-13weeks I think - I’ll check for you). They will do them later for medical reasons but not just on request.