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Original poster

Should I just let them carry on stealing?

191 replies

Toytownupthehill · 17/09/2021 07:47

My elderly DM has had tens of thousands of pounds stolen from her by my two siblings for entirely different reasons. When I try to intervene I am told it is none of my business, which is true, it still pains me to see someone stripped of everything that she and my DF worked for. I have power of attorney but I can't stop her being robbed. Should I just give up?

OP posts:
SilentPanic · 17/09/2021 10:27

You're being very defensive here with anyone who is simply telling the truth. I think that's probably because you know that doing nothing in this situation is really quite neglectful.

Do what you want to do, but don't bite posters' heads off when they point out that you're enabling theft from a vulnerable person.

Marni83 · 17/09/2021 10:27

@Mantlemoose

I can see why you're upset/angry but if your DM is of sound mind and knows they are taking this money and has told you to keep out then they're not stealing. If she isn't and you report to police this won't mean she ends up in care at all. You can give up POA which given the brief details you've provided is what I would do.
Confused
DrMorbius · 17/09/2021 10:28

Surely this is a wind up. Two people are stealing from your elderly and vulnerable parents and you are doing nothing. Nah not having it.

Fluffypastelslippers · 17/09/2021 10:28

@Marni83

What other reason could there be for the mother having to go in residential care if the op reports?!

I have no idea, OP isn't really forthcoming with details. It could be anything and it could be an incorrect assumption. Nobody HAS to go into a care home. Even if OP mum did live with one of the 'thieves', choices still exist.

BrilloPaddy · 17/09/2021 10:28

Phone the bank if you have POA and explain the situation. They can help you put security checks on the account and have the card cancelled immediately.

Then get the Police involved.

If you can't, then pass the POA to someone who has her best interests.

MrsRobbieHart · 17/09/2021 10:30

@DrMorbius

Surely this is a wind up. Two people are stealing from your elderly and vulnerable parents and you are doing nothing. Nah not having it.
Yeah, there’s clearly a shit tonne more behind this but OP isn’t saying.

At a guess, they’re probably not stealing, just being allowed to use their mother’s account and OP doesn’t like that she isn’t.

PraiseBee · 17/09/2021 10:32

Weird thread...

Marni83 · 17/09/2021 10:34

@Fluffypastelslippers

You can’t think of any other reason why? Not one.

Clearly the elderly not her lives with one of the thieving siblings
She doesn’t want the op to get involved because she knows that she would then have to move out of the thieving siblings home.

Presumably the elderly mother and the op know, for whatever reason, that no other option than residential home eg op lives too far away and mother can’t Independently live alone.

There’s literally no other reason there can be as far as I (and you!) can see

Fluffypastelslippers · 17/09/2021 10:35

@Marni83

I can think of lots of reasons. My point was you gave one reason, which isn't an actual reason why she would need to go into a home. Until OP clarifies there is not much spout speculating

MrsIsobelCrawley · 17/09/2021 10:35

That seems like a spectacularly naive comment, I am not a career criminal but unfortunately it's not a totally new idea to me that elderly people are taken advantage of. Also, having POA doesn't literally give you any responsibility.

So what you are saying is that you are complicit.

diddl · 17/09/2021 10:36

If Op has POA & knows her mum's card is being misused, it is hard to understand why she hasn't done anything about it.

Mamanyt · 17/09/2021 10:38

Contact the police, and tell them what is happening, and exactly what sort of POA you have, how inclusive it is. Ask them if you are responsible, and if so, FILE A REPORT.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 17/09/2021 10:40

change the pin before they do

Notsandwiches · 17/09/2021 10:40

Whatever you do, someone is not going to be happy with it.

The least confrontational choice would be to change bank or change the PIN but this would only work if your Mum isnt going to hand over the new details.

leavesthataregreen · 17/09/2021 10:43

I don't understand your attitude. Of course it's your business. She is your mother. And you have POA - that means you are supposed to act as the legal, responsible adult in the event of exactly this sort of issue.

Find out how much they have taken. If you have legal responsibility over her bank accounts, freeze any cards they have used or transfer her core funds to a new account that only you can control. Tell them you will contact the police if they take any more money from her. If they have joint POA just tell them you know and you will inform the police of the abuse of funds unless they return them.

moynomore · 17/09/2021 10:44

Posters spectacularly don't understand how a POA works. If the mother still has "capacity" and hasn't given the OP permission to invoke the POA the OP can't use it!!!! My goodness, get out of legal matters of you don't know what you are saying.

Also, OP said the mother knows about the "stealing" and doesn't want to do anything about it and told OP to mind her own business. Doesn't sound like stealing to me really.

I know my mum gives my sister loads of money through what in would describe as guilt and I don't think she should, but it's none of my business. I hold a POA for my mum, but she's fully capacitated at the moment, so I certainly can't swoop in and start changing PINs and calling the police.

DamnUserName21 · 17/09/2021 10:45

Does your mum have capacity?
You can contact the local adult safeguarding team to get the situation looked at and they can decide if your DM is being financially abused.

moynomore · 17/09/2021 10:47

@DamnUserName21 that is good advice. Maybe it's time to consider if she has capacity. But I can see how the OP would be worried that a determination like that could start the mother along a new path (care homes etc.).

Marni83 · 17/09/2021 10:50

[quote Fluffypastelslippers]@Marni83

I can think of lots of reasons. My point was you gave one reason, which isn't an actual reason why she would need to go into a home. Until OP clarifies there is not much spout speculating [/quote]
Could you give me just one of these many reasons

Just one

Fluffypastelslippers · 17/09/2021 10:54

@Marni83

What are you asking? For me to get into a hypothetical debate over someone's mum going into a home?

Grow up.

You do not know that the mum would have to go into a home if her adult DC was reported for theft. It's much easier to admit you do not know that than try to goad someone into a meaningless argument.

lnsufficientFuns · 17/09/2021 10:54

Holding PoA is an absolute pain and completely stressful, because YES it does confer responsibility to you.

Step up

Cancel the cards

If you can’t stand up to your siblings then resign - after you call the police and the guardian office

Plumtree391 · 17/09/2021 10:55

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this situation, Toytown. It's terrible that your siblings fleece their mother in this way.

If this sounds too simplistic or naive, please ignore. It occurred to me that your mother could open another bank account and have most of her income paid into that, perhaps keeping the original one open for bills only and a small float. Your siblings wouldn't have to know anything about it.

Marni83 · 17/09/2021 10:55

No

For for just one of the many reasons you refer to
Literally just one

Because as far as I can tell - the reason I outline is the only one

FreezerBird · 17/09/2021 10:55

We had a similar situation unfortunately, although it wasn't relatives involved which sort of made it easier I guess. My late mother had regularly supported another family in the village who had been through real hardship. Although not related there was a close link and she wanted to do it.

As she became frailer and a little more vulnerable the requests started (whereas previously she had decided when and how to support) and became more and more frequent.

When my sister (who had POA which was not yet active at the time) spoke to her she became more and more defensive about it but it was regular, gentle and non-confrontational discussions about the situation which led to her eventually agree to invoking the POA so my sister had the unenviable task of telling them no more money would be forthcoming.

So regular chats about it and keeping lines of communication open at this point might be the way forward.

Marni83 · 17/09/2021 10:56

But if the mother lives with one of the thieving siblings
And she reports that sibling

I think safe to assume - she would have to move out!