Ex taking me to court over child arrangements

[sushipushi]

A bit of background info.

I met my ex in university around ten years ago in Exeter. After a year I fell pregnant.

We both moved to my family town 230 miles away so I could be near my family for support. After our son was born, the relationship broke down and I left him. He moved back to Exeter where his job was after he could not stay up here as he knew no one and said he had no support job etc.

For the last 8 years he had made all travel arrangements to come and see our son and pays me maintenance, probably more than CMS calculator states. I have rarely met him for pick ups and drop offs, maybe a handful of times over the years if I have been down his way for work etc. I was happy with this as I don't drive and it keeps my costs down.

Recently, in October we went to mediation as I wasn't happy with him introducing his partner to my son so soon and a few other things. In this my ex stated that he can no longer afford to meet me, he has moved back to his family area which is 250 from me. He also has a child who is 2 years old from a different partner.

In mediation we agreed that I would meet half way on the train. But it's not been working for me. I have to walk to station, get two trains. And then back again. And then again when I get ds.

This was every three weeks and we'd share all holidays.

We went back to mediation where I have now said I am no longer doing the travel. If he wants to see my son then he will have to come and collect him and drop him to me. He said this is not doable due to the 500 mile trip- he states this is too dangerous now as he is older and working a lot it would be unsafe to drive to pick DS up 5 hours then 5 hours back to his. He also states it costs too much and before it put him into a financial rut. Apparently he owed his dad £7k over the years to borrow money to come get our son and hotels etc.

I said well maybe not see him every three weeks and just have him holidays so the travel is broken down. He can pick up from school and then drop him back to me at end of half term. I still want half the summer holidays though.

He is not happy with this and is now taking me to court. The mediator has agreed she can no longer help as I am refusing to compromise with the travel.

Will the court enforce me to meet halfway due to the distance? Will they say he has to take the money out of my maintenance for cost?

He cannot get a train as he would have to get a hotel over night as the train journey is 6 hours long each way.

I'm not sure where I stand as I do not want to meet him half way. It's too long and tiring and costs too much. Please advise? Am I screwed or will the judge say he moved away so it's up to him to come and collect and drop off as that's what most sites say. Thank you!

@WINKINGatyourage

The leaving, the failing to fulfil his responsibility- both lies.

Nope. Both are exactly what he did. He did leave. He isn’t there, raising his child. And by failing to be there to raise his child he would be failing to fulfil his responsibilities. Let’s do the test to check- if OP spent as much time caring for this child as the father does- would the child be OK?

No, neither are what he did at all. You're making out like he walked away, didnt look back and pays 0 towards the child. None of those things are true.

If the mother spent as much time as the father does, then the child would live with the father, wouldn't they. I am sure that is an option, albeit one Op doesn't want.

You're trying to make this man out as a total arsehole - why?

No, neither are what he did at all. You're making out like he walked away, didnt look back and pays 0 towards the child. None of those things are true.

No, I’m making out that he left. Which he did. He moved 250 miles away from his child.

If the mother spent as much time as the father does, then the child would live with the father, wouldn't they.

Er no, I said If mum spent as much time with the child as dad does- which is only every 3 weeks. I didn’t say If dad spends as much time with him as mum does- which is every day and night. If mum matched dads contact with child the child would be neglected. She’s taking up his slack.

You're trying to make this man out as a total arsehole - why?

I’m not- I’m responding to posters suggesting that OP has a responsibility to make up for his choice to leave. She doesn’t.

The dad moved back to where he and the OP met. It wasn’t a move driven by him wanting to be difficult.

The “new partner” is a red herring and totally irrelevant. If they have a two year old she’s been on the scene some time now. OP has no place dictating to about her.

I don’t think the ex is being unreasonable. He moved in the first place to accommodate OP.

@WINKINGatyourage

No, neither are what he did at all. You're making out like he walked away, didnt look back and pays 0 towards the child. None of those things are true.

No, I’m making out that he left. Which he did. He moved 250 miles away from his child.

If the mother spent as much time as the father does, then the child would live with the father, wouldn't they.

Er no, I said If mum spent as much time with the child as dad does- which is only every 3 weeks. I didn’t say If dad spends as much time with him as mum does- which is every day and night. If mum matched dads contact with child the child would be neglected. She’s taking up his slack.

You're trying to make this man out as a total arsehole - why?

I’m not- I’m responding to posters suggesting that OP has a responsibility to make up for his choice to leave. She doesn’t.

He physically left the area, he did not "leave" his child, ie leave the relationship. He moved out. You full well know this but saying he "left his child" makes it sound much worse than the actual reality.

She's taking up his slack? well i'm sure the child could go live with dad if she is so unhappy about that? I mean, the maintenance would stop, and she'd have to pay him.......

Op has a responsibilty to do what is best for her child in the current situation and she is choosing not to do that. But its okay, blame it all on dad.

Op has a responsibilty to do what is best for her child in the current situation

So does the dad. But he’s not.

She's taking up his slack? well i'm sure the child could go live with dad if she is so unhappy about that?

So women who aren’t happy about doing their exes share of the work should give up their children? That’s fucking disgusting.

@WINKINGatyourage

She's taking up his slack? well i'm sure the child could go live with dad if she is so unhappy about that?

So women who aren’t happy about doing their exes share of the work should give up their children? That’s fucking disgusting.

Whats fucking disgusting is taking your ex to mediation over trying to introduce a gf to rock the boat, refusing to compromise etc - saying he can see the child less.

Is that really okay? or because dad moved away does he totally relinquish his rights to see his child? No, no he does not.

If OP is so fucking pissed about being RP - she has options, doesnt she?

It seems okay for dad to see little of his children but its "fucking disgusting" for mum to be in that position.... hmm ok

@WINKINGatyourage

Op has a responsibilty to do what is best for her child in the current situation

So does the dad. But he’s not.

How do you work that out then? sounds like he is to me.,

@WINKINGatyourage

She's taking up his slack? well i'm sure the child could go live with dad if she is so unhappy about that?

So women who aren’t happy about doing their exes share of the work should give up their children? That’s fucking disgusting.

Stop deliberately misinterpreting what people are saying, it's puerile

I wouldn't do the travel but I do think you should butt out about who he meets when with DF
He is a parent and you have no rights to over his decisions re meeting a new partner

@WhatsMissed

The dad moved back to where he and the OP met. It wasn’t a move driven by him wanting to be difficult.

The “new partner” is a red herring and totally irrelevant. If they have a two year old she’s been on the scene some time now. OP has no place dictating to about her.

I don’t think the ex is being unreasonable. He moved in the first place to accommodate OP.

The two year old has a different mother. The current partner is not her.

Stop deliberately misinterpreting what people are saying, it's puerile

Nothing misinterpreted- that’s exactly what was said “complaining are you? Well hand the child over then” vile.

@WINKINGatyourage

Stop deliberately misinterpreting what people are saying, it's puerile

Nothing misinterpreted- that’s exactly what was said “complaining are you? Well hand the child over then” vile.

No, i said she had that option, didn't i?

Which she does, doesnt she?

Alternatively she can accept that her child is looked after, cared about, paid for and that dad wants to spend time with them - and do half the travelling which is the best thing for the child.

I really do not think she has anytthing to complain about, however, if its really that awful, she does have another option.

No, i said she had that option, didn't i?

Which she does, doesnt she?

But that’s not the solution to her doing her exes share of the work is it? The solution is for him to pick up his own share. So why would you suggest she hand the child over?

He has done the travelling for 8 years when ultimately, OP moved to be close to her family, even if that happened in 4be very short time they were together. How is that not accommodating?

Of course he is being difficult now, OP took him to mediation for no valid reasons.

Sounds like everything has always been u Der her terms and he's now kicking back, probably because the new girlfriend made him open his eyes, which is probably why OP is not keen on her being around.

@WINKINGatyourage

No, i said she had that option, didn't i?

Which she does, doesnt she?

But that’s not the solution to her doing her exes share of the work is it? The solution is for him to pick up his own share. So why would you suggest she hand the child over?

How do you suggest he does his own share when she doesnt want him to have the child regularly?

Where has she said she doesn’t want him to have the child regularly? Talking of lies!

Sounds like all was perfect (for you) until he tried to introduce his new partner to his child?

He has done all of the travelling, he’s paid more than ordered too, he wants to see his son..... but you can’t get on a train?

You’ve mentioned how hard it is for you but not mentioned your son.

@WINKINGatyourage

Where has she said she doesn’t want him to have the child regularly? Talking of lies!

from the OP "I said well maybe not see him every three weeks and just have him holidays so the travel is broken down. He can pick up from school and then drop him back to me at end of half term. I still want half the summer holidays though"

Yep, show me the part in there where it says she doesn’t want him to have him? I can see where she suggests maybe not every three weeks after he said he didn’t want to travel every 3 weeks to collect him.

Hmmm. Sounds to me like you’ve had things pretty much your own way and when you threw your toys out of the pram about him introducing his girlfriend, it prompted a “fuck this!” reassessment in his part

This.

The distance thing has worked for 8 years. You did no travel and got higher than mandated CMS.

Then you dragged him to mediation over his new gf. Which is none of your business. It’s none of your business where he goes and who he sees in his contact time, just as it’s none of his business who you spend time with.

This is your doing. I have no idea what the courts will say but you have landed yourself in this situation and are now refusing to compromise so the courts are involved.

I think you need to take a look at your own behaviour before trying to control your ex’s.

@WINKINGatyourage

Yep, show me the part in there where it says she doesn’t want him to have him? I can see where she suggests maybe not every three weeks after he said he didn’t want to travel every 3 weeks to collect him.

i didnt say she doesnt want him to have him, i said regurlarly, the holidays isnt regularly as in EOW is it?

She suggests it because its better for her.

On one hand youre saying hes not doing his fair share, on the other its totally ok that op suggets he has him less. So which is it? is dad a lazy bastard or is he not? should he have him more or shouldnt he?

She suggests it because its better for her.

No, it very clearly says in her post, it’s in the paragraph immediately before the one you quoted, that she suggested it because he doesn’t want to travel to collect him every three weeks anymore. It’s all there.

oh come on @WINKINGatyourage it's fairly clear what the op wants. She's being intentionally difficult about a few things. If she hadn't mentioned the new partner more people would be on her side. Like a previous poster said she shot herself in the foot there. She's having a bit of a strop because her ex has a new partner. She gets more maintenance than cms would say and has had him do nearly all the travelling for the last 8 years, 8 years! She hasn't come across very well.

I agree the issue with the new partner is being difficult. My comments have been in response to those suggesting it’s OPs responsibility to make up for his choice to move. It isn’t. She’s already making up for it by doing his share of the parenting. She can be right about one thing and wrong about another.