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Original poster

Ex taking me to court over child arrangements

158 replies

sushipushi · 18/01/2021 16:28

A bit of background info.

I met my ex in university around ten years ago in Exeter. After a year I fell pregnant.

We both moved to my family town 230 miles away so I could be near my family for support. After our son was born, the relationship broke down and I left him. He moved back to Exeter where his job was after he could not stay up here as he knew no one and said he had no support job etc.

For the last 8 years he had made all travel arrangements to come and see our son and pays me maintenance, probably more than CMS calculator states. I have rarely met him for pick ups and drop offs, maybe a handful of times over the years if I have been down his way for work etc. I was happy with this as I don't drive and it keeps my costs down.

Recently, in October we went to mediation as I wasn't happy with him introducing his partner to my son so soon and a few other things. In this my ex stated that he can no longer afford to meet me, he has moved back to his family area which is 250 from me. He also has a child who is 2 years old from a different partner.

In mediation we agreed that I would meet half way on the train. But it's not been working for me. I have to walk to station, get two trains. And then back again. And then again when I get ds.

This was every three weeks and we'd share all holidays.

We went back to mediation where I have now said I am no longer doing the travel. If he wants to see my son then he will have to come and collect him and drop him to me. He said this is not doable due to the 500 mile trip- he states this is too dangerous now as he is older and working a lot it would be unsafe to drive to pick DS up 5 hours then 5 hours back to his. He also states it costs too much and before it put him into a financial rut. Apparently he owed his dad £7k over the years to borrow money to come get our son and hotels etc.

I said well maybe not see him every three weeks and just have him holidays so the travel is broken down. He can pick up from school and then drop him back to me at end of half term. I still want half the summer holidays though.

He is not happy with this and is now taking me to court. The mediator has agreed she can no longer help as I am refusing to compromise with the travel.

Will the court enforce me to meet halfway due to the distance? Will they say he has to take the money out of my maintenance for cost?

He cannot get a train as he would have to get a hotel over night as the train journey is 6 hours long each way.

I'm not sure where I stand as I do not want to meet him half way. It's too long and tiring and costs too much. Please advise? Am I screwed or will the judge say he moved away so it's up to him to come and collect and drop off as that's what most sites say. Thank you!

OP posts:
WINKINGatyourage · 20/01/2021 18:22

especially if they consider dad life to be more stable than your own ( kicking up a fuss when he introduced your ds to his gf as an example)

Wow! That’s really scraping the barrel.

changedmynamelol · 20/01/2021 18:25

@WINKINGatyourage

especially if they consider dad life to be more stable than your own ( kicking up a fuss when he introduced your ds to his gf as an example)

Wow! That’s really scraping the barrel.

It's the truth. I have experience of legal family matters. Family court is ruthless .
WINKINGatyourage · 20/01/2021 18:28

So a man who left his child and moved 250 miles away, fathered a second child and has now moved onto a third woman, is considered more stable than the resident parent who has been consistent in the child’s life throughout because she raised concern over him introducing the latest partner too soon, to the extent that the child should be removed from the mother? Are you seriously telling me that a court in the UK would deem that to be in the child’s best interests? Seriously?

Bollss · 20/01/2021 18:31

@WINKINGatyourage

So a man who left his child and moved 250 miles away, fathered a second child and has now moved onto a third woman, is considered more stable than the resident parent who has been consistent in the child’s life throughout because she raised concern over him introducing the latest partner too soon, to the extent that the child should be removed from the mother? Are you seriously telling me that a court in the UK would deem that to be in the child’s best interests? Seriously?
They may well do. Courts don't like "difficult" parents. They also don't like it when the parent doesn't even mention what's best for the child, and only what's best for them.

The only reason dp didn't end up in court with his ex is because the mediator strongly advised her to agree a "deal" (She still got the better deal if you like) because a judge wouldn't take kindly to her attitude.

midnightstar66 · 20/01/2021 18:45

Fwiw family court tend to only not like it if the woman doesn't play ball. Men seem to be able to act as unreasonably as they wish!

midnightstar66 · 20/01/2021 18:49

Not that I think the man in this case is actually being unreasonable

Skeptadad · 20/01/2021 18:54

That's interesting midnightstar66.

My mum and brother (both social workers) were pleased I had a female judge because females apparently treat other females harsher if they are not being child focused.

I am sure there is a higher expectation of a mother's behavior than a father in society. But maybe the flip side of that coin is that mothers end up with the children so it's to be expected? If dad's were historically more child focused than mum's I guess they would have a precedent for being primary carer.

WINKINGatyourage · 20/01/2021 18:58

Right so mum has to be solely focussed on what is in the child’s best interests, but courts can remove children from their mothers to punish uppity women, rather than putting the child’s interests first. Right. Hmm

Bollss · 20/01/2021 19:25

@WINKINGatyourage

Right so mum has to be solely focussed on what is in the child’s best interests, but courts can remove children from their mothers to punish uppity women, rather than putting the child’s interests first. Right. Hmm
Er, no. You've spectacularly missed the point again. They don't do it to punish women. They do it because it is in the best interest of the child to live with someone who puts them first, and not with someone who uses them against the other parent, or is only bothered about their own needs, or tries to alienate the other parent, or is game playing... I could go on. It's not a punishment to the parent, it's in the interest of the child.
WINKINGatyourage · 20/01/2021 19:32

No no, raising a concern over dad introducing yet another new partner too soon is not using the child against dad. That’s a legitimate concern.

Londonmummy66 · 20/01/2021 19:32

To be fair I can see both sides of the argument. But relying on trains and changing them is more expensive and stressful than driving. If you have another chance of mediation could you offer to take DS for the first train and have ex pick him up from that station rather than half way? Less expensive for you and also less hanging around at stations waiting from connections etc for DS - which isn't a great start and finish to the weekend.

ILoveYou3000 · 20/01/2021 19:45

No no, raising a concern over dad introducing yet another new partner too soon is not using the child against dad. That’s a legitimate concern.

We have no idea how new the new girlfriend is. Could be a year, could be three weeks.

We also have no idea if OP has introduced her son to any men.

Awful lot of projection from certain people on here.

The only person who counts in this is the little boy. His needs, and wants, should be at the forefront of both his parent's minds. And making things easier for him in terms of travel time and being able to see his dad and younger sibling.

It's hard because although technically dad moved away from his son, mum moved first. Had dad not gone alone then and given the relationship a try, would he be in better standing with some on here? Or would it still be all down to him to travel?

WINKINGatyourage · 20/01/2021 19:56

We have no idea how new the new girlfriend is. Could be a year, could be three weeks.

No we don’t, and we don’t need to. The child’s parent, OP, is the one who had a concern and raised it with her ex. She doesn’t need MN approval to do that.

We also have no idea if OP has introduced her son to any men

No we don’t, and her ex would be within his rights to be concerned if he thought a new partner was introduced too soon too.

Awful lot of projection from certain people on here.

Grin I wonder who you could mean?

Had dad not gone alone then and given the relationship a try, would he be in better standing with some on here?

Again, not sure who you mean by “some” Wink but I’ll answer with my perspective. If the Ex had said during pregnancy, “no, my family/job is here, I want to stay here and raise our baby” and Op had moved anyway then I’d expect her to do all the travelling and cover the costs. Her choice to move from where they were living and where the child’s father was. But that’s not what happened. they moved to a new place to start their family and then he moved away, knowing that’s where his child would be.

Bollss · 20/01/2021 20:08

@WINKINGatyourage

No no, raising a concern over dad introducing yet another new partner too soon is not using the child against dad. That’s a legitimate concern.
We have no idea if she was "yet another" or whether it was too soon do we? You've made that up.
WINKINGatyourage · 20/01/2021 20:17

Well it is yet another new partner. We do know that, because he has had another child with a different woman in between OP and this woman. So yes, yet another new partner. Whether it’s too soon- only OP knows whether it’s too soon and as it was OP who was raising the concern, and that’s the language she used, that’s the word I used. Because that was the basis of her concern. It would be silly for me to use a different word because a different word wasn’t what she was concerned about.

WINKINGatyourage · 20/01/2021 20:18

Or do we just disbelieve all OPs now as default?

BillMasen · 20/01/2021 20:47

@WINKINGatyourage are you so determined for the man to be the bad guy you’re just making shit up?

Redburnett · 20/01/2021 20:52

You cannot have it all your own way. What is best for the child? That is the main issue for the court.

WINKINGatyourage · 20/01/2021 20:53

I’ve made nothing up Confused

Bollss · 20/01/2021 20:59

@WINKINGatyourage

Well it is yet another new partner. We do know that, because he has had another child with a different woman in between OP and this woman. So yes, yet another new partner. Whether it’s too soon- only OP knows whether it’s too soon and as it was OP who was raising the concern, and that’s the language she used, that’s the word I used. Because that was the basis of her concern. It would be silly for me to use a different word because a different word wasn’t what she was concerned about.
So he doesn't know if it's too soon even though it's his child and his relationship?
WINKINGatyourage · 20/01/2021 21:01

So he doesn't know if it's too soon even though it's his child and his relationship?

He presumably doesnt think it’s too soon, as he has introduced the partner. But he isn’t here, OP is, and we are. If he was posting the OP would you take his word for it that it wasn’t too soon or would you disbelieve him?

Bollss · 20/01/2021 21:04

@WINKINGatyourage

So he doesn't know if it's too soon even though it's his child and his relationship?

He presumably doesnt think it’s too soon, as he has introduced the partner. But he isn’t here, OP is, and we are. If he was posting the OP would you take his word for it that it wasn’t too soon or would you disbelieve him?

I'd think it was none of his business just like I think it's none of ops business. Unless it's a safeguarding risk which it clearly isn't, it's his decision to make.
WINKINGatyourage · 20/01/2021 21:07

Unless it's a safeguarding risk which it clearly isn't

We don’t know that it clearly isn’t.

Bollss · 20/01/2021 21:11

@WINKINGatyourage

Unless it's a safeguarding risk which it clearly isn't

We don’t know that it clearly isn’t.

I'm sure op wouldve taken bigger steps than mediation if it was a safeguarding risk, don't you?
Starlightstarbright1 · 20/01/2021 21:18

op I simply wouldn't ask on MN.

If mum wants to move away should stay for sake of relationship with dad.

If Dad moves despite having child doing all the childcare, dr's appointments, dealing with school she needs to facilitate contact ...

He has moved further away again rather than say I can't move firther away as I wouldn't get to see my DS...

trust your solicitor.

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