Ex taking me to court over child arrangements

[sushipushi]

A bit of background info.

I met my ex in university around ten years ago in Exeter. After a year I fell pregnant.

We both moved to my family town 230 miles away so I could be near my family for support. After our son was born, the relationship broke down and I left him. He moved back to Exeter where his job was after he could not stay up here as he knew no one and said he had no support job etc.

For the last 8 years he had made all travel arrangements to come and see our son and pays me maintenance, probably more than CMS calculator states. I have rarely met him for pick ups and drop offs, maybe a handful of times over the years if I have been down his way for work etc. I was happy with this as I don't drive and it keeps my costs down.

Recently, in October we went to mediation as I wasn't happy with him introducing his partner to my son so soon and a few other things. In this my ex stated that he can no longer afford to meet me, he has moved back to his family area which is 250 from me. He also has a child who is 2 years old from a different partner.

In mediation we agreed that I would meet half way on the train. But it's not been working for me. I have to walk to station, get two trains. And then back again. And then again when I get ds.

This was every three weeks and we'd share all holidays.

We went back to mediation where I have now said I am no longer doing the travel. If he wants to see my son then he will have to come and collect him and drop him to me. He said this is not doable due to the 500 mile trip- he states this is too dangerous now as he is older and working a lot it would be unsafe to drive to pick DS up 5 hours then 5 hours back to his. He also states it costs too much and before it put him into a financial rut. Apparently he owed his dad £7k over the years to borrow money to come get our son and hotels etc.

I said well maybe not see him every three weeks and just have him holidays so the travel is broken down. He can pick up from school and then drop him back to me at end of half term. I still want half the summer holidays though.

He is not happy with this and is now taking me to court. The mediator has agreed she can no longer help as I am refusing to compromise with the travel.

Will the court enforce me to meet halfway due to the distance? Will they say he has to take the money out of my maintenance for cost?

He cannot get a train as he would have to get a hotel over night as the train journey is 6 hours long each way.

I'm not sure where I stand as I do not want to meet him half way. It's too long and tiring and costs too much. Please advise? Am I screwed or will the judge say he moved away so it's up to him to come and collect and drop off as that's what most sites say. Thank you!

@WINKINGatyourage

She suggests it because its better for her.

No, it very clearly says in her post, it’s in the paragraph immediately before the one you quoted, that she suggested it because he doesn’t want to travel to collect him every three weeks anymore. It’s all there.

Er, yeah, and neither does she.

@WINKINGatyourage

I agree the issue with the new partner is being difficult. My comments have been in response to those suggesting it’s OPs responsibility to make up for his choice to move. It isn’t. She’s already making up for it by doing his share of the parenting. She can be right about one thing and wrong about another.

She's not "making up" for anything ffs. I will say it again, if she feels she is doing too much "for him" she has other options.

Sounds tough but what's best for you son? Surely you knew that after many years of him doing all the travel that this might come up. Whats the story with his new partner anyway, why didnt you want your son to meet her?

I don't blame him for being uncomfortable staying at your to break the travel. There's many threads on this site of new gfs feeling insecure about their p spending lots of time with their ex and staying over, no matter how platonic the circumstance

Er, yeah, and neither does she.

Er, because she doesn’t need to travel every 3 weeks to see her child, she lives with him. She didn’t move away.

She's not "making up" for anything ffs. I will say it again, if she feels she is doing too much "for him" she has other options.

And I’ll say it again, that’s fucking disgusting. Throwing threats out to women who dare to complain about doing their exes share of parenting.

So you met him in both London and Exeter?

@WINKINGatyourage

Er, yeah, and neither does she.

Er, because she doesn’t need to travel every 3 weeks to see her child, she lives with him. She didn’t move away.

She's not "making up" for anything ffs. I will say it again, if she feels she is doing too much "for him" she has other options.

And I’ll say it again, that’s fucking disgusting. Throwing threats out to women who dare to complain about doing their exes share of parenting.

No, she didnt move away, but youre ignoring, as is she, what is best for her child.

nobody is "threatening" anyone - she isnt complaining - you are - she seems happy with the maintenance and him seeing the child in school holidays as long as he travels.

@LightDrizzle

Hmmm. Sounds to me like you’ve had things pretty much your own way and when you threw your toys out of the pram about him introducing his girlfriend, it prompted a “fuck this!” reassessment in his part. I don’t know what the court would order, in our case it ordered 50/50 drop-offs but the distance was much shorter.

Have to agree with this OP, sorry.

It sounds like he has been more than reasonable over the years but you are not very willing to compromise. I understand that the train journey isn't ideal for you but it's only twice each month.

My DP has children with his ex and when they split she moved to be near her own family, which is over 150 miles away. Neither of them have ever quibbled over the journey - they meet halfway, always, regardless of the fact it was her that moved away.

My OH would never dream of insisting she had to drop and pick up every time, not least because it just wouldn't work for the children. If my OH had to drive all the way to their house after work on a Friday to get them, they wouldn't even get back to ours again until about 11pm at night, it just wouldn't work, they are too young.

I can also understand why your ex - who has a partner and young child - does not want to stay overnight at your house!

@beantrader

Sounds tough but what's best for you son? Surely you knew that after many years of him doing all the travel that this might come up. Whats the story with his new partner anyway, why didnt you want your son to meet her?

I don't blame him for being uncomfortable staying at your to break the travel. There's many threads on this site of new gfs feeling insecure about their p spending lots of time with their ex and staying over, no matter how platonic the circumstance

Agree with this also.

People are forgetting that the aim of the game is for this little boy to have regular contact with both parents. That is the main goal, and OP seems obstructive to this unless it is done completely on her terms. What about how her little boy will feel when he only sees his dad on school holidays as opposed to every 3 weekends?

Yes her ex moved back to his hometown, but equally they had already moved 230 miles to OP's hometown when they were together - I think it's natural for anyone to want to head back to their own area after a relationship breakdown.

He is only asking to meet halfway, I don't think that is unreasonable.

Also agree re him not wanting to stay over - he already has limited time with his child AND limited time for his 2 children to spend time together, why would he want to spend a big portion of that staying over at his ex's house?

nobody is "threatening" anyone - she isnt complaining - you are

It doesn’t matter who you’re saying it to, you’re still saying the same thing - “If you don’t like doing your exes share of the work give up your child”

The thread title is misleading.

Your ex isn’t “taking you to court”

YOU took him to mediation over something petty you disagreed with. YOU are refusing to compromise and work with the mediation.

If you land in court, it isn’t your ex that took you there. It’s YOU.

@WINKINGatyourage

nobody is "threatening" anyone - she isnt complaining - you are

It doesn’t matter who you’re saying it to, you’re still saying the same thing - “If you don’t like doing your exes share of the work give up your child”

no, i'm not.

Op isn't complianing about doing her "ex's share of the work"

(he also pays maintenance above what he needs to for that share, sees him by the sounds of it as often as he can)

the only person who is complaining about that is YOU. Op seems happy with the maintenance and the care involved.

YOU are complaining that she is doing to much, YOU also dont think she should enable him to do more and YOU are the one making things up about "threats"

Usually on MN when a relationship ends the OP is urges to return ‘home’ if they do not have a support network around them, including a fairly recent thread involving a poster who had moved to Hampshire and was being urged to return to Scotland.

Unless the new partner is a danger to children there was absolutely no reason to go to mediation. Your exs relationship is not your business, just as any relationships you have are none of his business.

I'm quite shocked at PPs saying courts won't take into consideration how expensive and time consuming this is (for either side really). My situation isn't like OPs but I'm not able to drive yet - wasn't allowed for many years due to medical reasons, I've learned and am trying to finally take my test but it has been cancelled twice due to covid - I couldn't afford to do the journey my son's Dad does on the train to pick him up (usually eow but not at the moment, his choice) and drop him back off. Like flat out, don't have the money in my bank to pay for a train ticket. Lots of people also might not have time or energy to do long journeys on public transport due to work or illness? I probably can't afford the extra petrol for an 80 mile journey every 2 weeks when I do eventually get a car - I'll be doing the journey as often as I can and will do it regularly if he's able to give me petrol money but if I literally don't have the money, what would the courts expect me to do exactly? And for clarity neither of us moved away, we met on holiday! Our situation is fine as it is but I'm just wondering on the back of what people have said.

I'll be doing the journey as often as I can and will do it regularly if he's able to give me petrol money but if I literally don't have the money, what would the courts expect me to do exactly?

They expect you to facilitate your dc's contact with the other parent as a priority. That's what they expect you to do. I know this as it's the exact position I was in. They weren't interested that the reason I couldn't afford it was because exp refused to pay any child maintenance and had several thousand in arrears. I had to find a way or be in breach of a court order

You’re talking absolute shite @TrustTheGeneGenie.

@WINKINGatyourage

You’re talking absolute shite *@TrustTheGeneGenie*.

How am I? youv3 said all those 5hings

Bloody hell @midnightstar66 sorry to hear that! Something like that in my situation - being forced to to pay out the amount it costs in our circs every 2 weeks - would put me into a massive amount of debt and probably see my utilities cut off

Look whether you can’t get it, or you just don’t want to get it, I’m not going to sit here all night and break it down syllable by syllable for you. You said what you said. It’s there in black and white for everyone to see.

@SimonJT

Usually on MN when a relationship ends the OP is urges to return ‘home’ if they do not have a support network around them, including a fairly recent thread involving a poster who had moved to Hampshire and was being urged to return to Scotland.

Unless the new partner is a danger to children there was absolutely no reason to go to mediation. Your exs relationship is not your business, just as any relationships you have are none of his business.

This is what I was going to post. I presume he felt he needed support and did what many women on here are advised to do.

Then he sucked up the travel and paid his responsibilities (more).

Then you had a hissy fit over a new partner and it’s blown up in your face. You’re shitting it that it looks like he’s not prepared to suck it all up any more and are being intransigent.

@midnightstar66

I'll be doing the journey as often as I can and will do it regularly if he's able to give me petrol money but if I literally don't have the money, what would the courts expect me to do exactly?

They expect you to facilitate your dc's contact with the other parent as a priority. That's what they expect you to do. I know this as it's the exact position I was in. They weren't interested that the reason I couldn't afford it was because exp refused to pay any child maintenance and had several thousand in arrears. I had to find a way or be in breach of a court order

This is not true You are expected to observe and respect eh children’s right to contact and a relationship with the other parent You are also obliged in Law to observe and comply with any part of a CAO unless there are safeguarding risks etc that roesnet themselves

You are not as the remaining resident parent told to travel three hundreds of miles every other weekend because the other parent moved away.

Enabling is the wrong word to use

Can you not meet him at Paddington? From memory the train to Exeter is 2 hrs so although there's turnaround time it might be easier?

Ultimately it's only a few years til your son can travel on his own so compromise might be the solution but it won't be long term

Is the two year the child of the ex and his “new partner” or am I confused? If I’m not she’s hardly that new.

Yes they can force you to travel half way . They won't be interested in your feeling twords his new girlfriend.

You are not as the remaining resident parent told to travel three hundreds of miles every other weekend because the other parent moved away.

You could well be. I was, it wasn't that far but I was expected immediately to cover half of the journey. This is despite ex being totally absent for 4 years previously and never having put in a bit of effort to look after or see his dc. I didn't move anywhere. He doesn't even do his share, his girlfriend does it as she drives. I had to take 3 busses with dc then 3 busses back myself twice EOW. Took around 4 hours each time so 8 hours in a weekend. They journey by car is significantly less. My friend also expected to do half of an Edinburgh- Inverness journey EOW. This father has done it all by himself for 8 years and during mediation op has been uncooperative due to issues that are nothing to do with her. I'd not be in the least surprised if the court expect her to make some effort to facilitate the contact at the current level rather than decrease it.

It's possible that the court might think you are getting in the way of your child's ability to have a good relationship with his dad. They might even suggest a change in the child's residency in dads favour, especially if they consider dad life to be more stable than your own ( kicking up a fuss when he introduced your ds to his gf as an example)
Family court is a very bizarre and secretive thing. A pp suggested the courts would consider it important to have a relaxed mum in the best interests of the child. It's not as easy as that.