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Legal matters

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Original poster

Ex taking me to court over child arrangements

158 replies

sushipushi · 18/01/2021 16:28

A bit of background info.

I met my ex in university around ten years ago in Exeter. After a year I fell pregnant.

We both moved to my family town 230 miles away so I could be near my family for support. After our son was born, the relationship broke down and I left him. He moved back to Exeter where his job was after he could not stay up here as he knew no one and said he had no support job etc.

For the last 8 years he had made all travel arrangements to come and see our son and pays me maintenance, probably more than CMS calculator states. I have rarely met him for pick ups and drop offs, maybe a handful of times over the years if I have been down his way for work etc. I was happy with this as I don't drive and it keeps my costs down.

Recently, in October we went to mediation as I wasn't happy with him introducing his partner to my son so soon and a few other things. In this my ex stated that he can no longer afford to meet me, he has moved back to his family area which is 250 from me. He also has a child who is 2 years old from a different partner.

In mediation we agreed that I would meet half way on the train. But it's not been working for me. I have to walk to station, get two trains. And then back again. And then again when I get ds.

This was every three weeks and we'd share all holidays.

We went back to mediation where I have now said I am no longer doing the travel. If he wants to see my son then he will have to come and collect him and drop him to me. He said this is not doable due to the 500 mile trip- he states this is too dangerous now as he is older and working a lot it would be unsafe to drive to pick DS up 5 hours then 5 hours back to his. He also states it costs too much and before it put him into a financial rut. Apparently he owed his dad £7k over the years to borrow money to come get our son and hotels etc.

I said well maybe not see him every three weeks and just have him holidays so the travel is broken down. He can pick up from school and then drop him back to me at end of half term. I still want half the summer holidays though.

He is not happy with this and is now taking me to court. The mediator has agreed she can no longer help as I am refusing to compromise with the travel.

Will the court enforce me to meet halfway due to the distance? Will they say he has to take the money out of my maintenance for cost?

He cannot get a train as he would have to get a hotel over night as the train journey is 6 hours long each way.

I'm not sure where I stand as I do not want to meet him half way. It's too long and tiring and costs too much. Please advise? Am I screwed or will the judge say he moved away so it's up to him to come and collect and drop off as that's what most sites say. Thank you!

OP posts:

SeasonFinale · 19/01/2021 09:59

It's all about you. Not once is the impact on your DS mentioned other than you don't want your ex's new partner to meet him.

OnceIWasAnApe · 19/01/2021 10:08

It sounds here- and it will in court- that you threw your toys out of the pram because of the new gf, and that you're punishing your ex (and also your DC) by refusing to compromise at all. Of course the journey is exhausting and expensive- but it is for your ex too.
Make the effort for the benefit of your child.

singlemummanurse · 19/01/2021 13:39

Have you looked at other methods of travel? Are either of you near airports? That could dramatically cut down travel time. Or if train is too expensive are there coaches? You need to show that you are focusing on your child's best interest, try and come up with compromises and show you are willing to coparent. Maybe reduce maintenance if dad pays toward travel, receiving parent picks up, so you do all the travelling in one day rather that twice in a weekend. Judges tend to like parents that can show that they are thinking about their child's best interest and are willing to compromise, although your offer of less frequent but longer visitation is quite often ordered for such a long distance from people I know that have long distance plans.

Carrottop73 · 19/01/2021 14:03

Your ex sounds reasonable and I feel for him in the situation. I think you should do your share of the travel, at the very least financially. He did the right think supporting you to move where you wanted to live and has been doing all travelling for 8 years without complaining. It’s time for you to do your share. It’s for your sons benefit.

Maybe longer time for your son to spend with his father in school holidays to reduce the travel.

sofiaaaaaa · 19/01/2021 14:04

Even if the contact is less frequent, you’d still be expected to assist with facilitating travel on those occasions

sofiaaaaaa · 19/01/2021 14:04

Honestly this is solicitor territory. It’s not a good sign that the mediators aren’t on your side.

Takingontheflab · 19/01/2021 14:17

Unfortunately you appear selfish and unreasonable. The fact he's done all the leg work for so long will go in his favour.

Heidi1976 · 19/01/2021 14:39

A similar situation to this happened to a close friend of my husbands. Except the difference was the mother moved away. She was uncompromising on contributing to any travel (as you appear to also be) and the judge did not look favourably on it. AT ALL. She now has to share travel. You are going to have to suck this one up OP or else risk coming out of court worse than you went in. Plus he has a 2 year old where he lives and he moved away due to work and his own support network, he didn't do it out of spite to you. This will be taken into consideration as well. Both parents need to facilitate contact and take responsibility.

SD1978 · 19/01/2021 14:54

He is still the same distance, roughly isn't he? It's font from 230-250 miles away?

Original poster

sushipushi · 19/01/2021 15:03

@SD1978 he is 250 miles away, I was told by a solicitor that it is his responsibility to see his child and it's not up to me how he does it.

OP posts:

Doingitaloneandproud · 19/01/2021 15:16

You've basically got the hump he has introduced a new partner to your DS, that's not your business and you will be told that in court if they see all this happened after that occurred.
Your mediator saying she can't help anymore as you are unwilling to compromise also won't look good for you.
He moved away but he shouldn't have to do the whole journey all the time, if the roles were reversed you would expect him to help with the meets.
It's a shame you aren't actually thinking of what's best for your son in this and instead it's all about you.

Cheator · 19/01/2021 15:38

My sons dad also moved 250 miles away and so far does all the travelling, his other ex and mother of his older child would point blank refuse to contribute so he has to come up anyway. What makes it easier is that when he arrives for pick up he is able to rest at mine, have a nap, a coffee and relax before the journey home.
We do holiday contact only, 10 hours of driving in one weekend is too much for my son.
We also only do one week of the two week half terms so that my son gets holiday time with me too.

Elieza · 19/01/2021 16:38

You corrected me when I said you were the one that moved. I stand by what I said.

To recap, you were both in Exeter at uni, you fell pregnant and moved nearer your family. He came too. (I doubt he would have moved to that area had he not been dating you. He moved for YOU).

Then you split up and are now complaining that he went back to his job in Exeter.

I’m not surprised he moved back. Why stay in a strange town with no job or a job that perhaps wasn’t good that he’d only taken to be near you so you could be near your parents.

You both moved 230 miles then he moved 250 miles I think you said. So his new place is 20 miles away from Exeter uni presumably.

So if you had both stayed in Exeter with the child he’d have moved 20 miles away.

I think he should pay for the 20 miles travel as that was his choice.

And you should pay for the 230 miles as that was your choice as you wanted near your parents.

You are completely ignoring that man left his home and job to move near your parents for YOU. That’s a big step for anyone. I think you are ungrateful for his sacrifice and unappreciative of what he’s done to date.

“What goes around comes around” and “Treat others as you would be treated yourself” are phrases which come to mind. So again I ask you, how would you feel if your roles were reversed and you were in his shoes? What would you feel was fair then?
And again may I ask if you can get a lift from anyone even to the second train so that’s all you have to get to make your journey on public transport? (Perhaps after covid in light of what you’ve said later in the thread)

sofiaaaaaa · 19/01/2021 16:50

Agree with PP.

I do think it’s a bit rich that you moved 230 miles away for “family support”, yet it’s a massive problem when he did the same thing! He moved 8 years ago after only living north for a few months it seems. You were the one that moved initially OP, so you contributed to the present long distance between you both.

I doubt you’ll find many judges with the viewpoint that he’s solely responsible for travel costs in your situation.

The “public transport and ECV dad” angle still doesn’t quite work in your favour, as many travel on public transportation daily without contracting COVID-19.

MotherExtraordinaire · 19/01/2021 16:54

@Elieza