Ex taking me to court over child arrangements

[sushipushi]

A bit of background info.

I met my ex in university around ten years ago in Exeter. After a year I fell pregnant.

We both moved to my family town 230 miles away so I could be near my family for support. After our son was born, the relationship broke down and I left him. He moved back to Exeter where his job was after he could not stay up here as he knew no one and said he had no support job etc.

For the last 8 years he had made all travel arrangements to come and see our son and pays me maintenance, probably more than CMS calculator states. I have rarely met him for pick ups and drop offs, maybe a handful of times over the years if I have been down his way for work etc. I was happy with this as I don't drive and it keeps my costs down.

Recently, in October we went to mediation as I wasn't happy with him introducing his partner to my son so soon and a few other things. In this my ex stated that he can no longer afford to meet me, he has moved back to his family area which is 250 from me. He also has a child who is 2 years old from a different partner.

In mediation we agreed that I would meet half way on the train. But it's not been working for me. I have to walk to station, get two trains. And then back again. And then again when I get ds.

This was every three weeks and we'd share all holidays.

We went back to mediation where I have now said I am no longer doing the travel. If he wants to see my son then he will have to come and collect him and drop him to me. He said this is not doable due to the 500 mile trip- he states this is too dangerous now as he is older and working a lot it would be unsafe to drive to pick DS up 5 hours then 5 hours back to his. He also states it costs too much and before it put him into a financial rut. Apparently he owed his dad £7k over the years to borrow money to come get our son and hotels etc.

I said well maybe not see him every three weeks and just have him holidays so the travel is broken down. He can pick up from school and then drop him back to me at end of half term. I still want half the summer holidays though.

He is not happy with this and is now taking me to court. The mediator has agreed she can no longer help as I am refusing to compromise with the travel.

Will the court enforce me to meet halfway due to the distance? Will they say he has to take the money out of my maintenance for cost?

He cannot get a train as he would have to get a hotel over night as the train journey is 6 hours long each way.

I'm not sure where I stand as I do not want to meet him half way. It's too long and tiring and costs too much. Please advise? Am I screwed or will the judge say he moved away so it's up to him to come and collect and drop off as that's what most sites say. Thank you!

At least he wants to see his son op 🤷🏻‍♀️

The mediator gave up because the OP wouldn't compromise. Says it all really.

@withmycoffee

The mediator gave up because the OP wouldn't compromise. Says it all really.

What does it say other than OP wouldn’t compromise?

(After trying it I might add!)

@YouBoughtMeAWall

He understandably wants her to take some responsibility for travel.

It isn’t her responsibility to take. She’s fulfilling all her responsibilities to her child. She’s there, every day, raising him.

Which makes it totally ok for her to take him to meditation because she didn't want his new gf involved? Op is being difficult. Not once has she even mentioned what's best for her son. Just what she wants. Its hard for her.

I didn’t say anything about her taking him to mediation. I was responding to comments suggesting OP had a responsibility to travel 500 miles because her ex decided to leave his child.

@YouBoughtMeAWall

I didn’t say anything about her taking him to mediation. I was responding to comments suggesting OP had a responsibility to travel 500 miles because her ex decided to leave his child.

She has a responsibility towards her child. Playing tit for tat with her ex is not good for her child.

He moved away for the same reason they moved in the first place. He did not " leave his child" he left her. He Is clearly still very much committed to his child and to suggest otherwise is ridiculous.

She has a responsibility towards her child.

Which she is fulfilling- by being present in his life and raising him. It’s the father that moved away and is failing to fulfil his responsibility to the child.

Playing tit for tat with her ex is not good for her child.

Not sure what element you think is tit for tat.

He moved away for the same reason they moved in the first place.

they moved in the first place together. OP didn’t move her ex by force. He made a decision and agreed that was where their child would live.

He did not " leave his child" he left her.

I think his child might disagree when he has to go 250 miles to ask dad to make his lunch, sign his homework, wash his uniform.

He Is clearly still very much committed to his child and to suggest otherwise is ridiculous.

Totally disagree. No-one moves 250 miles away from anything they are committed to.

What a load of old man hating shite. He obviously is committed. She didn't force him but it was clearly her decision.

I'm not going to argue with someone who just spouts lies.

"YouBoughtMeAWall
He understandably wants her to take some responsibility for travel.

It isn’t her responsibility to take. She’s fulfilling all her responsibilities to her child. She’s there, every day, raising him.
Which makes it totally ok for her to take him to meditation because she didn't want his new gf involved? Op is being difficult. Not once has she even mentioned what's best for her son. Just what she wants. Its hard for her."

Tbf @TrustTheGeneGenie has a point. Her son is 9 and she hasn't said once what he actually wants out of this arrangement. She also can't dictate when or where her ex can introduce a new partner, what happens on his time is up to him not the op. It also sounds like the mediator has basically given up out of frustration that the op is being difficult. I got frustrated just reading the original post.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

What a load of old man hating shite. He obviously is committed. She didn't force him but it was clearly her decision.

I'm not going to argue with someone who just spouts lies.

Man hating? Oooh I would just love to see the responses here if it was OP that had left.

As for lies?

I’m youbought btw!

If op had left I'd say exactly the same. It would absolutely be no different if she was a woman. Nobody has "left" the child.

The leaving, the failing to fulfil his responsibility- both lies.

What does your DS want?

You keep suggesting your ex sees your son less frequently - dies your son actually want that? Or does he enjoy seeing his dad?
If the latter you need to facilitate their contact because legal requirement or not, it's good parenting. You sound quite obstructive.

@YouBoughtMeAWall

She has a responsibility towards her child.

Which she is fulfilling- by being present in his life and raising him. It’s the father that moved away and is failing to fulfil his responsibility to the child.

Playing tit for tat with her ex is not good for her child.

Not sure what element you think is tit for tat.

He moved away for the same reason they moved in the first place.

they moved in the first place together. OP didn’t move her ex by force. He made a decision and agreed that was where their child would live.

He did not " leave his child" he left her.

I think his child might disagree when he has to go 250 miles to ask dad to make his lunch, sign his homework, wash his uniform.

He Is clearly still very much committed to his child and to suggest otherwise is ridiculous.

Totally disagree. No-one moves 250 miles away from anything they are committed to.

This

Completely
He chose to move this far away. He needs to find a way around it. If he was truly putting his child first he wouldn’t have moved so far away.

I think you were foolish to bring up the matter of his partner and now it's spectacularly backfired.
I have an ExH who lives 250 miles away, his choice to move when our boys were 1&3. As much of a pain as my exH is, he has always done the travelling as he agrees it was his choice to move and should accommodate. I don't agree with my kids doing a 500 mile round trip every other weekend but I've learnt over the years to pick my battles.
I would suggest you attempt the same.

To be honest it sounds like your had it all your own way for a long time and not liking now you have to put the effort in. Court won't care that it's difficult for you or expensive. They look at the dc's best interest which very likely won't be huge long car journeys with a tired dad. The train half way sounds like the best option here. They won't be involved in his girlfriend meeting your son. He has every right to introduce her whenever he sees fit.

Op, how sad that in all of your comments you failed to put your child’s needs and wants first? What does your child want?

I think you shot yourself in the foot with him introducing his girlfriend to your son. It comes across as unnecessarily controlling. Family court is a very different place then you would perhaps imagine. Have a look at court said if your cafcass evaluator feels that you are frustrating contact which you unfortunately you are they may well recommend a change of residence. You must be a love all reproach all of this thread is about inconveniences to you.

How does your son feel about seeing his father ? And CMS will take into account the second child and any other children in the household you may well be very worse off

Please see legal advice as soon as possible

Above * all reproach

OP you come across as very selfish and all me me me in your post. Whereas from your description your ex sounds like he actually cares about what's best for your child! Do you really want to risk a family court judge thinking the same as I do? He only moved to London for you, you cannot seriously expect him to stay there with no support network or job? Anyway as I said before you are coming across as extremely selfish.

The leaving, the failing to fulfil his responsibility- both lies.

Nope. Both are exactly what he did. He did leave. He isn’t there, raising his child. And by failing to be there to raise his child he would be failing to fulfil his responsibilities. Let’s do the test to check- if OP spent as much time caring for this child as the father does- would the child be OK?

Is the other kid with his current partner ?
Wff he at are the arrangements there?

Maintenance and contact are separate.

I don’t think a court will force you to do half the travel time he created by choosing to move

There are some funny people on this thread.
Neither of you are responsible for the others life choices and it seems to me you’ve offered alternatives.

Let him take it to court

@wewillmeetagain

OP you come across as very selfish and all me me me in your post. Whereas from your description your ex sounds like he actually cares about what's best for your child! Do you really want to risk a family court judge thinking the same as I do? He only moved to London for you, you cannot seriously expect him to stay there with no support network or job? Anyway as I said before you are coming across as extremely selfish.

How does he show he cares? He only seems bothered about halving his own travelling time! He should have stayed near and been an actual hands on parent

It’s up to parents to do what is best for their children, whether or not it is fair on them. What matters is fairness to the child who didn’t ask to have parents who live so far away from each other. In this case, the best thing for the child would be for both parents to share the travelling.