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Original poster

Never ending saga with Ex pestering me

192 replies

TheNewKaren · 01/01/2021 17:09

A few years ago my ex partner was evicted from the family home by the court due to his abusive behaviour towards us. Subsequently he sold the family home and I am now living in a rental property with the children. The family home belonged to him, but a settlement agreement was put in place that entitled me to lump sums that he has mostly paid, with the exception of any child maintenance and rent contributions. The has never paid any of these, even though he included these payments into the contract that he drafted himself and also countersigned.

He is a company director and his earnings are not visible to the CMS, as he is taking dividends.

I can manage without his contributions and I earn a decent salary. But he is now increasingly asking for all these previously paid lump sums back, in fact he is now frequently threatening me with court proceedings to force me to repay these funds. Even though I don’t think he will be successful, his behaviour is still scary and I am getting quite worried. I don’t have the money nor the time to deal with court proceedings, but I have a feeling that he is determined to ‘get his own back’.

He is motivated by revenge and he has nothing much else to do.

I am fed up with his threats and demands for money. What can I do that this will stop?

OP posts:
courtrai · 01/01/2021 17:13

Ask him to proceed to court action or quit pestering you else you will go for a non-contact order. I think judges in the family court system are well versed in such behaviour and give short shrift to such imbeciles as your ex partner

Original poster
TheNewKaren · 01/01/2021 17:28

The kids have already told him that there will be no contact if he does not stop this behaviour. He doesn’t care. He is using them to try and get revenge.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNewKaren · 01/01/2021 17:30

The kids are teens, in 6th form and at uni.

OP posts:
Collaborate · 01/01/2021 19:11

Go to the CMS and apply for a variation. They will then take his dividends in to account.

With your next breath tell him you want no further contact from him save to discuss the arrangements for the children. If he does not respect that then change your number and tell him to stay away from your house. If he fails to respect that instruct a solicitor to write to threaten an injunction, and if he still fails to respect that apply for an injunction order.

Original poster
TheNewKaren · 01/01/2021 22:31

Thank you both. It sounds very straightforward, but he is not going to give up any time soon, even with an injunction. He will get a lawyer and have him send letters several times a day, as he did before, to wear me out. At the time I equally got a lawyer, but I could afford it more than now, as I was in our house and did not have to pay any rent. Now I would have to deal with the fallout myself, in addition to a very demanding job and two kids stuck at home in tier 4 :-(. He even sold the house for far less than it was worth just to get us out of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNewKaren · 01/01/2021 22:40

Another court case is exactly what he is looking to achieve. He lost the first one and he’s not getting over it. He’s now trying to mess with the children’s’ heads (he doesn’t get it that they are almost grown up and don’t care about the nonsense that he is concocting). He told them I had ‘lots of affairs’ and he told even me that I had ‘lots of affairs’ in a way that he is expecting me to believe this myself. But this was one of his standard accusations in the bad old days. He has a way of making things up that we never see coming. He seems to think he is still in control of us and the only way to make me communicate I guess would be to take me to court about money that he now telling me I have to give him.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNewKaren · 01/01/2021 22:46

He said he would only leave me alone if I gave him money. I could pay voluntarily or he would continue to make my line hell.

OP posts:
katmarie · 01/01/2021 22:53

You have the option of going to the police. He is harassing you, and the police have the power to arrest him for it.

NovemberR · 01/01/2021 22:55

I'd change my phone number and simply bin any letters that come from him.

The kids are old enough to facilitate their own contact with him if they wish. There does not appear to be any reason for you to have to have any dialogue whatsoever with him.

If he continues to pester you I'd report him to the police.

Original poster
TheNewKaren · 01/01/2021 23:23

I think I will do that and go to the police. He told DS the other day that he is going to collect the money from me for a dental bill from over ten years ago when he was the main provider and the dental bill was paid with money he gave me. It is getting out of hand and he is now also dragging the kids into it. I was thinking as well that he should not be able to threaten me anymore and that this behaviour should have consequences. He entered every penny that he ever spent on the family into a spread sheet and now wants it all back.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/01/2021 23:29

Absolutely apply for a non-molestation order.

I believe the National domestic abuse helpline can guide you through the process.

Thanks
Lolapusht · 03/01/2021 11:13

If he hadn’t paid you sums that were included in a court order then I’d take him back to court. If he’s proposing taking you to court to reclaim all the money he spent in the family while you were married then let him. He will get nowhere. Do not pay him anything. Use legal channels to stop him. You and your children don’t need to have anything to do with him.

AmandaHoldensLips · 03/01/2021 11:30

I am so sorry you are being subjected to this.

I had exactly the same from my ExH with a constant barrage of legal shit which was for the same reasons - just wanting to make my life hell and being totally unreasonable.

It's very hard to deal with.

My advice would be, do not engage with him. Do not open letters or emails. Do not answer the phone to him. Take advice from Women's Aid.

The only correspondence you need to open is if you receive a summons from the courts directly. Everything else is just him making noise.

Again, you have my utmost sympathy. My ex eventually gave up when he realised I would never engage with him again. He was so angry it was terrifying.

Original poster
TheNewKaren · 03/01/2021 16:50

Thank you all!
Amanda I am sorry you have been goon through this as well. It is terrifying. There is no reason why he can’t get on with his life and just move on and allow us to do the same. Even though it is not realistic, I am stupidly terrified of getting a court summons. He is not entitled to any money from me and I am still terrified. Whenever he is starting to threaten me, panic kicks in and logical thinking goes out of the window. :-(

OP posts:
BornIn78 · 03/01/2021 16:57

If the kids are 6th form and Uni age, then you have no need to actually be in touch with him really. They can make their own contact arrangements amongst themselves,

Are you engaging with these threats? I take it they’re coming in by text.

Just block his number, email address and social media.

Original poster
TheNewKaren · 03/01/2021 17:49

He is blocked on email and text. I am not on social media for this reason and he can only send me letters and speak to me in person. He has contact with our youngest child and is using this angle to get to me. And Christmas was a great opportunity for him to have an angry tirade. I stupidly allowed him to spend Christmas Eve with us and give his presents to the children. They don’t want to be on their own with him and I thought this would be the best way out to invite him and be done with contact over Christmas He got kicked out as usual, but had plenty of opportunity to rant before that.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNewKaren · 03/01/2021 17:53

And I was complying with the tier rules btw at the time.

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 03/01/2021 19:22

Hang on in there. With the kids being of their age, you have no obligation to engage with him. Cut him off. Cut him out.

I suspect this is the thing that is most enraging to him - that he has lost any "power" over the situation and can no longer exert any form of control over you.

Well done for getting away from an abusive man. It's an awful shame that our kids have arsehole fathers, but nothing we can do about that except be the best mum that you can. Which I am sure you are.

I bought myself a shredder and would put all correspondence straight in it. But then I would get anxiety about doing that. If anything has a return address on the envelope (solicitors letters etc) I would cross out my address and write RETURN TO SENDER on the envelope and put it back in the postbox.

Do whatever feels right for you. You do not need to engage. Burn it. Bin it. Return it. Do not let it into your life.

Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. I am well out of the other side now - this was over 20 years ago for me - but it was hell.

AmandaHoldensLips · 03/01/2021 19:23

Also the law has changed and modernised since my time, and this kind of behaviour is now reportable to the police and is downright harassment. Women's Aid can advise you.

BlueThistles · 04/01/2021 01:37

@AmandaHoldensLips

Also the law has changed and modernised since my time, and this kind of behaviour is now reportable to the police and is downright harassment. Women's Aid can advise you.

This...

his bullying is utterly ridiculous ... do not hand over a single penny

AlwaysITW · 04/01/2021 03:33

I'd be gathering any evidence I had (text messages etc) and making a case to the police for harassment. Speak to WA first in case they have any tips to ensure the police investigate this as ongoing domestic abuse, because that's what it is.

Also is it worth speaking to your solicitor about some kind of 'cease and desist' type letter? If the money he's chasing is money the courts awarded to you I would think that means he can't come after you for it, 'the courts decision is final' type thing? Bad practise on his solicitors part as well I would imagine, encouraging (and no doubt charging) a client to pursue legal action he has no chance of winning. Worth a try, would be delicious if his solicitor has to tell him they can no longer facilitate his harassment of you!

RandomMess · 04/01/2021 08:31

I believe the National Domestic Violence helpline can guide you through applying for a non-molestation order?

TheFormidableMrsC · 04/01/2021 08:57

This is harassment and I'd report it as such. Everything else, absolutely do not engage with him AT ALL. He hasn't a hope in hell of getting money from you so just ignore it. Courts also spot a vexatious litigant from a mile away. The only correspondence I would respond to is anything from the court (which is highly unlikely anyway).

When I was being harassed by OW, the police told me to keep a diary and report every single thing, however small, because it builds a picture upon which they can act. Hold firm OP, he has NO power over you.

Lotusmonster · 05/01/2021 06:26

How awful OP. I don’t know what to say but just want to send support and thoughts. From where I’m sitting, probably the hardest part of this was getting rid of him initially and you’ve been brave and done that....bloody well done. The rest now is mopping up. Some good advice here on shredding machines, return to sender etc..do it!!!!

Rainbowqueeen · 05/01/2021 06:42

Get a non molestation order

Do your kids actually want to see him?? I’d look into counselling for them. It’s very hard emotionally breaking away from a parent like this as a young person.