Never ending saga with Ex pestering me

[TheNewKaren]

A few years ago my ex partner was evicted from the family home by the court due to his abusive behaviour towards us. Subsequently he sold the family home and I am now living in a rental property with the children. The family home belonged to him, but a settlement agreement was put in place that entitled me to lump sums that he has mostly paid, with the exception of any child maintenance and rent contributions. The has never paid any of these, even though he included these payments into the contract that he drafted himself and also countersigned.

He is a company director and his earnings are not visible to the CMS, as he is taking dividends.

I can manage without his contributions and I earn a decent salary. But he is now increasingly asking for all these previously paid lump sums back, in fact he is now frequently threatening me with court proceedings to force me to repay these funds. Even though I don’t think he will be successful, his behaviour is still scary and I am getting quite worried. I don’t have the money nor the time to deal with court proceedings, but I have a feeling that he is determined to ‘get his own back’.

He is motivated by revenge and he has nothing much else to do.

I am fed up with his threats and demands for money. What can I do that this will stop?

Then you get a new mom-molestation that covers him using third parties and you get it enforced.

Nith no it’s not a criminal offence. The police said any threats involving money are financial matters and therefore civil matters. I told them all of that. The police insist they only get involved when there is actual physical violence.

I wonder what posters on here think about this -

Do your police have a twitter account? If so, every time this man contacts you, every single time Take a photo of it and tweet it, tagging the police with something like ‘is this not stalking @mylocalpoliceforce? When will you enforce the law?

If he threatens to talk to your employer, threaten to contact his board of governors or someone every time you receive contact. Do so. Every. Single. Time.

Write to your MP.
Write to your local newspaper - I’m sure in this current climate that papers will be all over stories where police actively don’t protect a woman from a persistent offender.

The more you draw light to it, the less he can hide. Don’t live in the shadows anymore op, throw the curtains open. It also means he’s less likely to violently attack because he’d be in the public eye and known to his local community for the scumbag he is.

Are you in the UK?
You said rural, and I assume the police there is really useless sadly.
Keep calling Women’s Aid and local and national domestic violence Lines. They will help you. It may take a bit of time. Explain that you and the children fear he will hurt all of you.
Say yes when offered a place in a Refuge!
I did not say yes, and will always regret it even though I survived.

OP you need to get it together. The police CAN help. He cannot legally beat his children ffs. And he cannot blackmail or attempt to extort money from you. These are all illegal behaviours.

You do not have to give him any money, you do not have to open any solicitor letters. He does not have any grounds to take you to court for money which was fairly and legally dealt with at the time.

But if he wishes to go to family court then you go and you take the paper work you have accumulated with you. The letters, the texts, the emails, the threats, the orders, the police logs. Everything.
Get the non mol order, it DOES have power and it IS important. And if he turns up you immediately ring 999.

Get in touch with women’s aid if you’re not already. He is ruling by fear but all these threats he’s making are full of shit. He has no legal power over you - it is all made up rubbish which wouldn’t stand a moment in court. The only reason his solicitor was sending those letters is because he PAID them to. It wasn’t because he had any kind of case which would stand up in court.

The only thing you need to worry about is keeping him as physically far away from you and the kids as possible. Get the order and if he comes anywhere near you or your home then ring 999.
Threats of violence are a criminal offence, he doesn’t have to put his hands on you for it to count.

Yes I did take steps to enforce the order. He was not directly contacting us himself. He sent others. He said he needed to communicate about the house and the children. He was just using this as an excuse. He will pay a lawyer again to harass us on his behalf and I will rack up costs to respond to this. He has nothing else to do. It’s his life to hunt us.

@TheNewKaren

Nith no it’s not a criminal offence. The police said any threats involving money are financial matters and therefore civil matters. I told them all of that. The police insist they only get involved when there is actual physical violence.

You need to tell us which police force is telling you this information?

There are many laws which deal with the THREAT of violence. There are many laws which deal with HARASSMENT. There are many laws which deal with BLACKMAIL and EXTORTION.
None of these are necessarily physically- mostly they are not.

Which police force are you dealing with because they need naming and shaming.

You can get a non-mol to include 3rd parties. You could even include that financial matters are now settled via court so he isn't not to have you contacted about that either.

The situation has moved on.

If you did as he demanded he would just move on to new demands. It's not about the money it's about power.

He told my parents what he would do to me and my dad wrote it all down and sent it to the police. The only thing that happened that they told him not to contact my parents anymore. My dad has a pacemaker. He was very upset and the damage was done. The message had already reached me.

I agree RandomMess There will always be something else.

I told the police on many occasions exactly this. That he is demanding money. That he said he will only ever leave us alone if I give him money. That he is constantly threatening me with demands for money and I don’t owe him anything.

The police are unanimous in their response. It’s a civil matter. It’s not a criminal offence. I sent them an email. They responded in writing. They can’t help me.

They also keep calling him my husband. He is not my husband. I keep telling them that he is not my husband. I would know if he was. Somehow this does not resonate with them.

They can help. This is harassment

Here’s the response from the police when I reported that he is threatening me if I don’t give him all my belongings and all my money: ‘Some of the issues you have disclosed are a very civil matter e.g. money and belongings etc. which you should seek legal advice for from either a solicitor or the citizens advice bureau.’
How could a solicitor or the citizens advice bureau even help me with threats like that?

Please cease all contact, the dc can make own plans, probably won't.
Get help, women's aid, legal advice. He is mad maybe dangerous. I would move and disappear but you need backup. Don't placate or cooperate, have nothing to do with him except through court

I even directly asked them what they would do, if he approached any stranger in the street and tried to force them to give him money. The still responded this is not the same thing, he’s my former partner/husband/ whatever they call him and therefore it’s not up to them to settle a dispute around money. It’s not a dispute. They don’t get it.

You have all my sympathy OP. My situation is slightly different to yours but I have been suffering at the hands of my exH for several years & the police are absolutely useless. They are sympathetic towards me, admit that I am the victim of severe coercive control but then say they can’t do anything about it.....‘Sorry, it’s a civil matter, not a police one.’ I have lost a job & several friends because of it & really been pushed to the edge.
I will never contact the police again because it’s just too upsetting to reach out in desperation & be told they can’t help.
Sorry I can’t offer any practical help but i want you to know that you are not alone.

He will just loiter in the supermarket, by the school, in front for the house and find me. He does not care about shouting g at me in public, he called me a thief, a whore, all sorts of things. There is nothing I can do about it.

Thank you bobby81

Disgusting. What is wrong with our society that this type of thing isnt better challenged?

I don’t understand how people on here all think the police would help, or Woman’s Aid would be even available. I don’t know how many times I tried to ring someone, anyone, to get help. There isn’t anybody available at any time if the day. Not even if I wait in the line for an hour. Services are all overwhelmed.

He is now calling the children ‘bastards’ because they we’re born outside marriage and recently told them that he doubts they are even his children. He of course refuses a DNA test.
He is ramping up the threats. He is now increasingly insulting and terrifying the children, because he knows that this is getting to me more than anything else. I don’t care what he does to me. The only thing that matters to me are the children and he knows this.

I’m so sorry. This sounds horrendous. You shouldn’t have to, but you need to move far away. Get those children away from him. Your daughter already sounds dreadfully affected by him. Change numbers, don’t give addresses. Tell parents to block him and not respond. Your children don’t need contact with him. It won’t do them any good.

Deep breaths, you’re in a hysteria cycle and you need to think things through.

The demands for money are irrelevant. Yes the police can’t do anything about him asking for money. You can ignore those letters, they don’t have any legal status and are not relevant to your issues here. Stop leading with these when you talk to police/domestic abuse lines.

The issue is the actual threats, the breaking in and the assault. THIS the police very much can help you with, and this is the strength of the domestic abuse services. This is also something where you should have your local MP copied in—trust me this will make a difference.