Never ending saga with Ex pestering me

[TheNewKaren]

A few years ago my ex partner was evicted from the family home by the court due to his abusive behaviour towards us. Subsequently he sold the family home and I am now living in a rental property with the children. The family home belonged to him, but a settlement agreement was put in place that entitled me to lump sums that he has mostly paid, with the exception of any child maintenance and rent contributions. The has never paid any of these, even though he included these payments into the contract that he drafted himself and also countersigned.

He is a company director and his earnings are not visible to the CMS, as he is taking dividends.

I can manage without his contributions and I earn a decent salary. But he is now increasingly asking for all these previously paid lump sums back, in fact he is now frequently threatening me with court proceedings to force me to repay these funds. Even though I don’t think he will be successful, his behaviour is still scary and I am getting quite worried. I don’t have the money nor the time to deal with court proceedings, but I have a feeling that he is determined to ‘get his own back’.

He is motivated by revenge and he has nothing much else to do.

I am fed up with his threats and demands for money. What can I do that this will stop?

Yes I agree Womens Aid/Freedom Programme.

I dont think he actually needs to do anything other than simply say that is he plan to cause you issue.

The actual process involved in buying the house and evicting you is massive and would really need to be a cash buyer (a mortgage for him with tenants in situ doesnt come easily). And if he is with that cash inform the CMS and HMRC.

I suspect that he has learnt that the easiest way is just to tell you and get you in a flap without actally needing to do anything

@bigdecisionstomake

OP - this is truly terrifying. Can you speak to your landlord and find out if they are likely to sell to him? If they do then he will have keys to your house and although the law says he can't use them without reasonable notice, given his previous behaviour I suspect this is unlikely to stop him.

I would speak to your landlord in confidence and explain the seriousness of the situation and try to establish whether they are actually considering selling to him.

Tenants can quite properly change the locks to avoid any incursion by the landlord - I’d always advise tenants to do this

Report to police as harassment. Insist on it. Insist on it - show copies of texts, calls emails where you have told him to stop - do not engage. Do not reply.

@VanCleefArpels Yes, that's a good point about the keys/locks and definitely something to do if he does manage to purchase the house. It might even be worth doing that now as a precaution in case the landlord tries to bring him round for a viewing. I know in theory you can deny access for this but some landlords don't always follow the rules.

Hopefully his buying the house is just a threat, but definitely speak to the landlord as soon as you can to try to find out exactly what is going on and make sure they are aware of the history of abuse.

What is going to happen if I speak to the letting agency? Would thy not try to give me notice anyway due to the situation? Would they want a tenant who may cause problems by association with somebody like my ex? I always pay my rent on time btw and keep the house super tidy ans clean.

@TheNewKaren you don’t need to talk to anyone. You just need to keep paying the rent and carry on with life. Nothing will happen to you. Any tenant runs the risk of having notice to leave at any time, it goes with the territory. But as I’ve said this takes a long time and has to be done legally. Please try not to worry about who might (massive might for reasons previously given) own the property. Don’t invite trouble by poking the ant hill - just keep on keeping on

VanCleef I think you are right. If this is a smokescreen I’ll look rather silly inquiring at the letting agency about a non-existent house purchase. I need to take a deep breath and pay no attention whatsoever to his threats. Instead, if I have some spare time, I should contact the CMS and tip them off about his real income.

That’s the spirit! Sending strength x

Thank you VanCleef and everyone.

He will never stop coming after me. He is so angry and entitled. I’m scared and panicking all the time, it’s so difficult to think clearly.

I agree with Collaborate go back to the CMS and ask for a variation so they will have to take his dividends in to account, I did this successfully.
As for the lump sum, was it Court Ordered? If so he does not have a leg to stand on. Let him waste his money taking you back to court, you can easily self represent as I did and the Judge will have it thrown out, if it even gets that far.
I agree with the 'loss of control' he is feeling which now drives him, my ex was exactly the same.
Shred his letters, do not allow him in, or near your home. If your youngest still sees him then they go straight out the door as soon as his car pulls up outside, then lock the door after.

You need to press charges and get a non-molestation or restraining order against him. Please keep phoning the National domestic violence helpline and get their assistance.

Agree about the variation too.

I would also speak to the police and tell them that you are so concerned about his vendetta you feel like he could commit family annihilation- in fact ensure it's in writing.

You and the police need to take this seriously. What sort of man bursts into his long time ex home and assaults them apart from a very dangerous one?

Quite typically, after not contributing to the children all year, he turned up with large and expensive Eater eggs for them. DD wants to move far away where he can’t find us and at the same time she is scared what he will do to us if we does find us.

She was hysterical all night. She thinks he will be less dangerous if we do what he tells us to do. At the same time she was crying and yelling at him to leave us alone. The kids are asleep but as usual I stayed up all night worrying what he will do to us next and if he can actually take me to court to claim funds he gave me in the past.

There is absolutely no help available. No helplines are open, nobody stopping him from terrorising us. I tried to get through to a helpline yesterday, I really needed to speak to somebody, but there was nobody on any of these services available. It’s such a battle.

OP you write so clearly and sound so matter of fact, but this sounds terrifying.

Can you clarify if he physically attacked you when you say he barged in? Has he been physically abusive in the past as well? Is he being charged for this?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Over ten years ago now, my father had some sort of mental break and it got really nasty between him and my mum. She eventually tried to get him out of the house and he refused to leave, he would take photos of her when she was leaving the house, stay up all night ranting and raving. She worked in a school and he wrote letters t the council accusing her of beating the children and taking drugs. He spread rumours about her sleeping with my brothers friends (early 20s) and prostituting herself. He told all and sundry that my brother and I were not his children. Eventually, my mum applied for a non molestation order and he had to comply.
I think it meant he could have no contact whatsoever, including letters. Could you apply for one of those?

Can’t you call the police OP? I don’t want to sound dramatic but you sound so scared, and your DD sounds terrified. Where do you honestly think this could go if he continues to escalate, and I don’t ask that in an snarky way. I notice a PP suggested reporting him for every little thing as it’s harassment. Have you been doing this? I think you should.

Have you got security at your home? I think you need to do things to make you feel like you’re taking back your power because he’s making you feel powerless and under siege by barraging you with letters and turning up constantly. Get a ring doorbell so it records every time he does turn up. Get a folder and put every piece of post in there - I don’t recommend shredding it because you can use it all as evidence for harassing/stalking surely? Report him. Every time.

OP, he is a real horror.

Can I suggest you read Collaborate's advice at the beginning of the thread? I would echo it (we are both family lawyers.)

There is help out there but you have to take it. You are in the mental habit he has instilled of believing he will always win. He won't if you let a lawyer fight him for you. But you have to decide that.

I wouldn't shred anything tbh. I would just put everything in a box as evidence of his abuse. You may need it all in order to get a non mol order or restraining order.
I know it is difficult to speak to anyone over the BH, but he can't progress buying a property over a BH either.
Ring Womens Aid on Tuesday morning and take it from there.
I am so sorry you and your children are being subjected to this.

MrsBertBibby In 2013 I obtained an occupation order and we were able to live in our family home for three years. Then he sold the house.
The occupation order and all the correspondence, hearings etc cost me £40,000. I have just managed to pay this off. Tbh instead of the occupation order we should have moved out. But I didn’t have a great job at the time and there was nowhere for us to go. Now we are renting and he is still not leaving us alone. He is going to relentlessly terrorise me while I am alive and now he is starting on the children. He has always used them as pawns. If I don’t give him the settlement money back, he will start hunting them too.

In the end my lawyer gave up. They knew that I was broke and the responses to his endless letters and emails were racking up the costs. He would agree to things, then disagree and wind up even his own lawyers that they refused to continue. He spent twice as much as I did just to harass me and he would happily do this again. He was sending an average of three to five letters was he day about the children, money, furniture, the house and he did this until the house was sold. Then he disputed everything he had previously agreed to and said it was not valid and wanted the money back. Then he changed his mind again and said I could keep it on condition that I would not take out any further injunctions and there would be no more family court proceedings. I obeyed. Now he wants it back anyway and he also wants all my personal property. Unless I give him all my money and all my belongings, he will continue. Nobody is stopping him. Nobody will stop him.

There were mumsnetters on here who helped me with the responses to his letters when my lawyers told me that they could not work for me anymore. I paid a monthly instalment, but could not afford to increase this and they could not continue to work for me, because I was not paying enough.

Do you have a good MP?
Have you been able to speak to a senior officer in the domestic abuse section of your police force?
It seems to me that abuse and violence against women and girls is at least getting some attention atm. It is worth trying to speak to your MP and police again.

Surely this is stalking, intimidation, harrassment? If he was doing this to anyone else it would be taken seriously.

Have you applied for a non moleststion order OP? It sounds so awful, and he sounds like he knows exactly what he’s doing in creating a constant fear in you. I’m so sorry this is happening.