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Original poster

Never ending saga with Ex pestering me

192 replies

TheNewKaren · 01/01/2021 17:09

A few years ago my ex partner was evicted from the family home by the court due to his abusive behaviour towards us. Subsequently he sold the family home and I am now living in a rental property with the children. The family home belonged to him, but a settlement agreement was put in place that entitled me to lump sums that he has mostly paid, with the exception of any child maintenance and rent contributions. The has never paid any of these, even though he included these payments into the contract that he drafted himself and also countersigned.

He is a company director and his earnings are not visible to the CMS, as he is taking dividends.

I can manage without his contributions and I earn a decent salary. But he is now increasingly asking for all these previously paid lump sums back, in fact he is now frequently threatening me with court proceedings to force me to repay these funds. Even though I don’t think he will be successful, his behaviour is still scary and I am getting quite worried. I don’t have the money nor the time to deal with court proceedings, but I have a feeling that he is determined to ‘get his own back’.

He is motivated by revenge and he has nothing much else to do.

I am fed up with his threats and demands for money. What can I do that this will stop?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNewKaren · 05/01/2021 10:37

The shredder is ready.

I’m expecting a huge ‘bill’ from him, seeing that he has kept spread sheets on every single expense for the family since he bought the pram for DC1 in 1999.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNewKaren · 05/01/2021 10:42

We agreed to keep contact ticking over while DC2 is still in school and under 18. She used to be ok around him, but this has now changed due to his recent shenanigans. We thought he would at least be useful to do the school run, but this has proven to be a great tool for him to be horrible to us by being unreliable and letting us down in the last minute, calling me out of meetings etc
After that, nobody will see him anymore.

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 05/01/2021 10:51

you've done so well in getting away from him and I agree with a pp that this is his final, huge, effort to maintain some control as the children are now getting to an age where they can make decisions for themself.

(In passing, perfectly demonstrating just how in control of themselves men like this really are. The fuckers.)

I think you should talk to your daughter honestly and see how she feels about contact. If she wants it to stop, then stop it - block him on all numbers including hers and just don't engage any more.

Some counselling (have you had any?) would be really good for you because it seems there is something about a legal threat that really pushes your buttons - he knows this - so exploring some techniques specifically around this might really help. You basically want to stop that panicked feeling when a lawyers letter arrives, so maybe some CBT to 'unlearn' that reaction? Have you done the Freedom Programme? It's brilliant and available online.

I do think it would be worth speaking to rights of women or some other charity to find your legal options too. A non-mol order sounds like a great idea if it's doable at a low cost.

This sounds like I'm haranguing you - I'm not! I think you're fucking amazing to have got you and the children away. This is basically the last push and you can do it.

AmandaHoldensLips · 05/01/2021 15:07

The Shredder is an excellent purchase. Do not read, just shred. Shred everything. Even the stuff you were holding on to "just in case".

You are heading out of the woods now that the children are older, and life will improve exponentially for you.

Shut down every single route of contact for him so that he can no longer reach you.

You've done brilliantly. Welcome to the Survivors' Club. We rock.

popsydoodle4444 · 05/01/2021 15:22

He kept a spreadsheet on everything he brought for the family?,what a lunatic.

He will be laughed out of court,anything he spent on you/kids/family home was part of a normal marriage,he isn't entitled to a refund when his purchase decided to walk away from his abusive shit.The fact he hasn't paid everything he owes from the sale of the house/doesn't pay child maintenance or anything else he was told to pay speaks volumes about his character.

At 16+ the children have no obligation to see him,they can cut Christmas contact if they wish.

I can't believe his solicitor has accommodated his bizarre request for a refund for the money spent during your marriage.I'd look to take out a non molestation order.

And don't drop your claim for CM;even after the kids turn 18 CM arrears can still be claimed.

I sincerely hope he's not in another relationship because I feel sorry for the woman if he is.Your ex is a narcissist who can't stand the fact you stood up to him.A new woman is referred to as a new supply.

Well done you for divorcing such a vile specimen of a man.

Original poster
TheNewKaren · 05/01/2021 16:08

Tbh I’d be happy if he finally ‘replaced’ me. I was used by him to get over his first marriage.

He is preparing this bill / case on his own, he does not think much of solicitors anymore after they did not get him what he wanted the first time round.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNewKaren · 05/01/2021 16:11

Amanda when did you stop looking over your shoulder?

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 05/01/2021 16:59

@TheNewKaren

Tbh I’d be happy if he finally ‘replaced’ me. I was used by him to get over his first marriage.

He is preparing this bill / case on his own, he does not think much of solicitors anymore after they did not get him what he wanted the first time round.

I can't tell you how much you need to let him get on with preparing his bill. Laugh at this, it's ridiculous. My ex h spent the best part of 10 grand on solicitors trying to find one who would agree with him. He didn't. He also ended up with exactly zero from our divorce due to an amazing judge who saw him for what he was. You must cut off all lines of communication and not bite. A non mol is a very good idea. He will find a new supply eventually.
AmandaHoldensLips · 06/01/2021 17:19

@TheNewKaren It took years for me to stop the feelings of dread, and I later discovered that I had C-PTSD from the years of abuse. This totally makes sense when I think about it. I still have bad dreams sometimes, but at least I understand where they come from and that it is just part of the post traumatic stress fallout. Mind you, we are talking about a full-on psychopath here. I had no idea and there was no such thing as the internet back then.

Men like that move from one victim to the next. They are parasites. The only thing that worked for me was to do the complete shut-down, no contact, no engagement.

Original poster
TheNewKaren · 07/01/2021 07:49

All your messages mean a lot to me. It’s so easy to be controlled by fear and worry what he may do next and when he will strike next. We never see it coming.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNewKaren · 07/01/2021 07:53

I get that Amanda including the bad dreams. I have regular bad dreams about him killing me and every time I try to shout for help, but I am not able to speak in my dream.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNewKaren · 07/01/2021 07:55

Everyone around me is wondering why I have no interest in a relationship, but I’d never go there again. Never.

OP posts:
CostaDelCovid · 08/01/2021 12:28

I would get yourself into a Refuge personally. Their locations are hidden and not searchable. He will NOT find you

Seatime · 08/01/2021 13:08

Women's Aid have advice for financial abuse. He is just trying to control you. This too will pass, and soon, as the children are practically grown up. I would keep his letters as evidence against him. Keep talking to friends and family about him. He is trying to brainwash you, so you need as many sane voices as possible, including the children. I wouldn't let him into your home again, work with the children on this, team up against him! Release this crazy bastard! There is light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck! Flowers

Original poster
TheNewKaren · 17/02/2021 23:16

I have an update. He’s been arrested for charging into our house and attacking us. Now released but he has a new trick up his sleeve: he’s buying our rented home and planning to evict the children and I.

OP posts:
PreyingMantlepiece · 17/02/2021 23:25

Seriously? He thinks he can do that? If you do have to go through another move, preferably once your youngest has left sixth form, I'd go for away and not pass on the details to anyone except those you trust. You should have to go through that, but I'd want the distance.

notapizzaeater · 17/02/2021 23:37

What a twat ! I'd make him evict me, no way would I move willingly. Have you a non mol on home so he can't come near you ?

AfterSchoolWorry · 17/02/2021 23:45

Oh my God. He's deranged.

RandomMess · 17/02/2021 23:46

Just shows him for the pathetic specimen he is.

I would look for another rental and serve notice ASAP. He may not evict you but just to be the controlling landlord from hell.

I would explore every law that exists to protect you from him.

Thanks
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 17/02/2021 23:47

What a twat.
My ex husband did this OP, always in court and threatening this that and the other for 5 plus years.
In the end I just stopped responding and didn't go to court anymore to attend these absurd hearings, the judges had zero time for him and his antics eventually ended in a no contact order so he was no longer allowed to see his young son.
I then reported him to the CMS for non payment of maintence and he buggered off to Germany so he didn't have to pay anything so that was 10 years of wonderful peace by which time my son had grown up and left home.
Any judge will see through his bullshit.
You have a settlement agreement so he will not be successful.
My ex was always in court trying to have our clean break consent order overturned, he never succeeded and was eventually told by the courts to bugger off and don't come back.
Just ignore him totally. I get that it is scary and upsetting, I remember feeling like that too, my ex would take photos of me when I was out and accuse me of doing all sorts of things that made me an unfit mother - it was never ending.
He can't do anything to you - HE signed the agreement after all.

RandomMess · 17/02/2021 23:48

This is all more evidence of harassment. Have you told the police you want to press charges as it's ongoing abuse and harassment spanning years and years?

oil0W0lio · 17/02/2021 23:49

I can't imagine how stressful and traumatic this must be for you OP, are his threats being logged with the police do you feel able to go into hiding?
I feel as if you need some sort of professional help, there must be a way of putting a stop to his dreadful and ridiculous campaign against you, has he been diagnosed with anything like a personality disorder or mental illness, psychopathy etc?

VanCleefArpels · 17/02/2021 23:50

Is the property for sale? The fact that he has threatened fur such a long time to sue you for money but never followed through indicates he knows these are empty threats. Which makes me question the buying the property thing? In any event he can’t just chuck you out if he does actually buy it. It will take up to a year to legally evict you so don’t panic!

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 17/02/2021 23:51

Oh yes and get a new non mol including not allowing him to purchase your rental. I think I had 5 or 6 in all by the end of it.

Quartz2208 · 17/02/2021 23:52

How on Earth can he buy it?

Even so I think the time now is to go fully no contact and move where he doesn’t have your address and go completely silent
And get an injunction against him

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