Never ending saga with Ex pestering me

[TheNewKaren]

A few years ago my ex partner was evicted from the family home by the court due to his abusive behaviour towards us. Subsequently he sold the family home and I am now living in a rental property with the children. The family home belonged to him, but a settlement agreement was put in place that entitled me to lump sums that he has mostly paid, with the exception of any child maintenance and rent contributions. The has never paid any of these, even though he included these payments into the contract that he drafted himself and also countersigned.

He is a company director and his earnings are not visible to the CMS, as he is taking dividends.

I can manage without his contributions and I earn a decent salary. But he is now increasingly asking for all these previously paid lump sums back, in fact he is now frequently threatening me with court proceedings to force me to repay these funds. Even though I don’t think he will be successful, his behaviour is still scary and I am getting quite worried. I don’t have the money nor the time to deal with court proceedings, but I have a feeling that he is determined to ‘get his own back’.

He is motivated by revenge and he has nothing much else to do.

I am fed up with his threats and demands for money. What can I do that this will stop?

I did say to him ‘sue me for it’ and even the DCs say ‘just go to court then and sue our mum for it’ but he is not doing this. The DC think he knows he does not have a chance, or he would have done this already. He keeps telling everyone that ‘this will go back to court’. He is enjoying it too much to have us live in fear of him

From what you have said, it sounds like it already went through court and he lost. There wouldn't be any grounds to take this back though court again unless he had some new infromation that wasn't presented last time.

More likely he knows he doesn't have any case and this is all just his way of getting revenge against you. I suspect that the best thing you could do is to get as far away from him as possible.

Get a new no contact order, report every breach. This will be taken seriously, there is no reason to contact you. My friends ex in prison for the breaches to his order.

OP, could you take a small step today to help you and DD feel a bit safer? A bit more in control? Even if it is something as simple as taking a folder and writing EVIDENCE on it in big letters, then putting every single piece of dirty correspondence from him into it, unopened?

You must feel so powerless and scared and at his mercy.

I understand how you feel. I was a (white) non professional foreigner in the UK.
When I came home to my homecountry (in Scandinavia) the police here told me the same police in rural UK have told you.
Your exH will not be chastised by the community, and you do bear the brunt of it all.
So you and the children must try to move when you can. Nevermind the schooling, the exams can be taken later. Can you move back to your homecountry? Your youngest is old enough to decide herself, and you DO NOT need to facilitate contact.
In the meantime, I know it is hard. You are doing a Fantastic job of keeping a home for your little family in the face of such an enemy. You are really strong!
But this is no way to live and you have to Get away. Either to a secret location or to where you have family and support.

You don't have to respond to solicitor's letters.

I definitely think getting away from him is the best long term solution, but in the meantime I would also recommend going completely no contact with him.

Don't respond to his letters. Don't answer his calls. Don't answer the door to him. If you encouter him in a public place then do not engage with him and leave as quickly as you can.

You are under no obligation to have any contact with him. So shut him out of your life.

Report him, he sounds a bit unhinged.

@TheNewKaren

MrsBertBibby In 2013 I obtained an occupation order and we were able to live in our family home for three years. Then he sold the house. The occupation order and all the correspondence, hearings etc cost me £40,000. I have just managed to pay this off. Tbh instead of the occupation order we should have moved out. But I didn’t have a great job at the time and there was nowhere for us to go. Now we are renting and he is still not leaving us alone. He is going to relentlessly terrorise me while I am alive and now he is starting on the children. He has always used them as pawns. If I don’t give him the settlement money back, he will start hunting them too.

OP a lot of what you paid for can be done for free. Most DV organisations are open and have been throughout all the lockdowns. If you can't get through to the helpline, they have chat services. If you can't get through to chat services try your local org which you can find here.

You can apply for free, yourself for a non mol. You can contact FLOWS for free legal advice, email if you can't get in contact by phone. You can also contact Rights of Women.

Call the police and get a reference number for each and every form of harassment. Log it all on paper. Download the Brightsky app which has an online journal and gives you advice on DV. Collate a file of evidence include all the letters he's sending as it's harassment, don't shred evidence. Add text messages and call messages.

Speak to your landlord, explain the situation and ask not to sell to your husband and to ignore if he makes an enquiry. Stop sharing with your daughter if she is getting hysterical and find a counsellor through your DV organisation if you need to off load. If your children no longer want to speak to him, then block his number on all their phones/online. Speak to the school and explain the situation should he show up there.

Get some CCTV for outside your home and call the police if he turns up each and every time. You are trying to collate evidence. Find out if your local council has a Sanctuary scheme to protect your home in the case of DV.

Bightsky app: www.hestia.org/brightsky

I’m not sharing with my daughter. She is hearing things first hand from her dad. She does not see any of his ‘paperwork’.

poppyzbrite4 your scenario sounds like the ideal world.

• Why would the landlord be receptive to my ask? They are not accountable to me. Any such request would very much alert them unnecessarily.
• The evidence has to be carefully prepared by an expert for an occupation order. The house did not even belong to me and the court had to be convinced to make an order to remove him from a hone where he was the sole owner. I paid over the odds because of the amount of correspondence, in particular relating to the children and to protect them from him / managing controlled contact.
• I agree that an injunction is the way forward. This does not stop him from making demands about money though. I have absolutely no idea how to make this ever stop. He will always ‘find’ something that he thinks he can demand from me. He knows I’m terrified of him. He needs to prove to the community that he is in the right and I am in the wrong. He believes I need to be punished for leaving him and I don’t have the right to leave him. He thinks he owns us. That’s the problem and there are no laws that tell him to stop that and to stop hunting us.
• He is already blocked and nobody sees him anymore.
• School is informed. There has always been a ‘no contact’ note attached to the information about her father.
• The police LOL they will come round, express their regret and tell he whilst I am still physically unharmed there is nothing they can do. These sort of incident reports won’t be helpful. They are worded in such a way that is completely unhelpful.

The truth is that there is not much help out there.

For the sake of yourself and your children, you all need to 'disappear'. Gather funds and move, quietly and quickly. Yes your child is still at school, they can move schools, yes it may set them back a little but it has to be better than the mental trauma they are facing currently.

Yes, it isn't that easy. Yes, there is still a possibility that he'll find you. But right now you are a sitting duck aren't you? He's ay the school, the house, the letting agents, the supermarket. He's everywhere. Moving quickly and quietly elsewhere will buy you all breathing room. Yes you shouldn't have to, but if you are getting no support anywhere from anyone, surely at this stage for the mental state of all of you, fleeing is your best option.

I can't imagine being in the position you are currently in. When I ran I was single with no kids, I moved 200 miles with 3 suitcases and started again after months of planning and saving quietly. It was terrifying, i spent a long time looking over my shoulder, but it does get better, the fear gets less and your confidence grows.

At this stage with no help from police, no relenting from him, and the sheer trauma yourself and your children are facing, I'd consider leaving to be my only option, if to do nothing than to buy time and breathing room.

BarryTheKestrel He will still find us - he will hire a tracing agent and he will find us. There is no such thing as disappearing. The only way is to deal with it heads on. Running makes it appear as though I have done something wrong and it will just prolong the agony. He has nothing else to do. He is consumed by hatred and revenge.
He got kicked out of his home.
He stayed in a hotel for three years to hide this from the community (but everyone knew)
He is a lonely old man with no family, no friends and his children cross the road when they see him
When DS goes back to uni, he will be out of his reach. But DS is worrying about DD and me and wants to protect us. I keep telling him that we will be ok and he should not put his life on hold because of his scumbag of father.
It’s tempting to run, but it’s not the solution.

How old is your DD?

Has your dd been able to access support based on how he is treating her?
Either through women's aid or going down the road of her rights as a child?
www.crae.org.uk/ this might have some info. I'm in a different jurisdiction so different resources etc.

He can demand but you needn't listen. If you can't disappear go no contact with non molestation injunction. Don't reply to anything except from court or your own solicitor. Don't feed his bullying.
He won't change but you can disengage. Wind it right down, right back. You and your daughter should not communicate with him. Get support and try to live your life. Don't fight just ignore. Not easy but you need to leave him talking to himself.

Bellringer this is very good advice. This is what I have to do for now.